14. Book Review -- Parenting is Heart Work
Book Title: Parenting is Heart Work
Author: Dr. Scott Turansky, Joanne Miller
Year of Publication: 2005
Publisher: David C. Cook
Pages: 256
Author’s Web-site: http://www.effectiveparenting.org
Full Book Available in: English
You should read this book if you…
Want to help your children change on the inside, not just outwardly. Those changes are permanent and a conscience develops, which guides them in decisions that involve right and wrong throughout their lives.
“In a nut shell”…
Most parenting strategies are behavior-based. This may change behavior on the surface, but the only way to truly change them is if parents, together with God, work on their hearts.
Key Ideas…
Changing your child’s behavior often works for the short term, but it does not transform a child’s heart for the future. When parents focus discipline on the heart, children make lasting changes.
God changes our hearts through salvation, and our behavior changes based on what He does in our hearts.
Children need to know: God is creator; God has a plan; God knows all things; God gave His Son to die for us; God is judge of the world.
Children learn from parents what faith looks like each day as little pressures, irritations, and responsibilities challenge their peace and joy.
Most children need help processing what they did wrong after parents give consequences. Talk with them every time you have to discipline—even small offenses. This trains children to talk about problems. At some point you should ask them, “What did you do wrong?”
Action Steps…
Parents need to maintain a strong connection to God, which will enable them to be more effective with their children.
Start watching your child’s heart. Become more aware of the deeper problems. Ask God to show you the real issues that your son or daughter is facing. Spend time talking to the Lord about your child’s heart issues.
When your child misbehaves, recognize that something in the heart is going on. We can learn what is going on in our child’s heart by listening to our child and looking at what he treasures.
Set a goal of having 10 minutes a day or an hour or two a week of one-on-one time with each child.
“As you learn to listen to your child’s heart, identify target areas that you sense are a problem. Behavior indicates what’s happening inside, so when you see a particular weakness, jot it down on a piece of paper. You might list things like procrastination, pride, fear, gloom and doom, or lack of confidence.” Pg 132
Memorize Bible verses each week. Choose verses based on needs you see in your family and discuss them with your children.
Quotables…
“Kids need parents who are willing to take a stand for what’s right, demonstrate leadership, and set firm limits. They need moms and dads who will show them the path and encourage them to stay on it.” Pg 52
“Punishment focuses on justice; discipline concentrates on teaching. Instead of a sentence to be served, discipline is an opportunity for growth.” Pg 184
“Pray for your children often. God not only works through prayer to change your kids, but he also uses your prayers to make you more sensitive to his work in their hearts. In your payer time, be sure to listen as well as talk.” Pg 18-19
“Teenage rebellion doesn’t start at age thirteen; it starts much earlier, in a young child’s heart.” Pg 43
Miscellaneous…
“When you fail, admit it. Model humility as you grow. Require the same from your kids.” Pg 107-108
It’s important to be firm with your children, but if you are harsh or angry, it will hinder closeness.
How this has changed my parenting…
The book tells us that when your child is angry, you should refuse to become emotional and instead be willing to listen. I thought this was important because it is so easy to get angry or frustrated when children disobey. The book says that doing this is counter-productive. Listening will bring you closer to your children and also enable you to handle the situation in a more rational way.
Problem-solving too early instead of showing empathy hinders deeper relationships. Often we just want to fix a problem and move on to the next thing, but by doing this we can miss valuable opportunities to talk with our children about what is going on. If your child is misbehaving, it is important to discuss rather than just discipline and move on.
It’s amazing how transparent children can be when you take time to actively hear what they have to say. Most of us lead very busy lives, so this was a good reminder to slow down and practice active listening skills with our children. We can learn a lot about what is going on in their lives and hearts by doing this.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Book Review, Children, Parent Resources, Christian Home, Fathers, Men's Articles, Mothers, Parenting, Women's Articles
15. Book Review -- Parenting with Love and Logic
Book Title: Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility
Author: Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay
Year of Publication: 1990, 2006
Publisher: NavPress, http://www.navpress.com
Pages: 271
Author’s Web-site: http://www.loveandlogic.com
Full Book Available in : English
You should read this book if you…
Are interesting in finding effective ways to parent without power struggles.
“In a nut shell”…
This is a win-win approach to parenting. Kids learn responsibility & the logic of life by solving their own problems. Parents win because they establish healthy control without resorting to anger, threats, nagging and exhausting power struggles. This approach puts the fun back into parenting.
Key Ideas…
There are two simple rules of Love & Logic parenting:
First, adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats. Parents make sure they are willing to enforce whatever choices they give. Then they must consistently maintain those limits to help children understand that they are responsible for their actions and will suffer reasonable consequences for actions that are inappropriate. By using this consultant style of parenting as early as possible in the child’s life, they ask their children questions and offer choices instead of telling their children what to do. They put the burden of decision making on their kids shoulders. Thus, by the time the children become teens, they are used to making good decisions.
Second, when a child causes a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child. While allowing the natural and imposed consequences to do the teaching, wise parents are empathetic. They do not show frustration, anger or do any pleading. They show empathy without rescue when unwise choices result in consternation, pain, and regret. They allow the consequences of mistakes to do the teaching. Consequences lead to the child’s self-examination and thought.
Rather than tell kids what to do, Love & Logic parents are always asking questions and offering choices. Choices work because they create a situation in which children are forced to think. They provide opportunities for kids to make mistakes and learn from the consequences. Choices help us to avoid getting into control battles with our kids. Children hear that we trust their thinking abilities when we give them choices and the decisions they make prepare them for a lifetime of decision-making that awaits them in adulthood.
Action Steps…
When a child acts inappropriately, the parent can say “uh-oh” or “bummer” if the child is older. Keep your voice melodic while saying this to avoid sounding angry, frustrated, and sarcastic.
Offer the child choices. The parent does not tell the child how to act. Instead, two choices are given, both of which are acceptable to the parent and can be enforced if the child decides to do nothing in response. This returns control to the child and any consequences come from the child’s decision, not the parents.
Calmly enforce whatever choices you give.
Quotables…
“Allowing children at a young age to practice decision making on simple issues teaches them to think and control their own lives. Then when adolescence hits, they will be less susceptible to peer pressure regarding alcohol, drugs, sex, and other temptations. They will have learned they can make their own wise decisions.” Pg 44
“Responsible behavior has a direct correlation to the number of decisions children are expected to make. The more they make, the more responsible they become.” Pg 52
How this has changed my parenting…
Prior to learning the importance of setting limits by offering kids choices and letting them live with the consequences of those decisions I was more of a drill sergeant parent. I thought controlling my children so they would behave appropriately was better for them in the long run so I often told them what to do. I didn’t trust them to make decisions for themselves because I was afraid they may not be “perfect.” I was afraid to allow them to make mistakes so I robbed them of many significant learning opportunities attempting to rescue them too often.
I was eager to try out this consultant style of parenting and become more of an advisor and counselor to my children rather than police officer. I remember the first time I tried it with my ten year old. I was tired of constantly nagging him to pick up his clothes in his room. I decided to offer him choices. “Jason, you’re welcome to make your bed and pick up your clothes from your bedroom floor before school. If you choose this, then you choose to have time after school to watch your favorite TV show. Or you’re welcome to make your bed and pick up your clothes from your bedroom floor after school. If you choose this, then you choose not to have TV time after school. You can decide.”
Of course, he had to test this limit the first day. When he arrived home from school he ran into his room and started picking it up really fast and asked to watch his favorite TV show. I told him, “Jason, I think I know what you have in mind. I’m so sorry, but the very moment you choose to leave your clothes on the floor this morning when you left for school was the moment you choose not to watch TV after school. I’m sorry son, but you can decide again tomorrow.” There was no TV after school that day and a few others. But it didn’t take long before he was choosing to watch his favorite TV show each afternoon.
Being an advisor parent is so much more fun than being the drill sergeant parent and most importantly it changed my relationship with my children. They have learned to trust themselves and their decisions as a result.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Book Review, Children, Parent Resources, Christian Home, Fathers, Mothers, Parenting
16. Book Review -- Passport2Purity
Book Title: Passport2Purity
Author: Dennis & Barbara Rainey
Year of Publication: 2004
Publisher: FamilyLife
Pages: About 120
Author’s Web-site: http://www.FamilyLife.com
Full Book Available in: English
You should read this book if you…
Have children entering adolescence – ages 11-15.
“In a nut shell”…
Passport to Purity is a manual that helps you plan a weekend away with your child in order to connect with your children before they enter their teen years. It sets the stage to discuss what to expect physically, emotionally and socially. It gives them principles to help them decide in advance what their convictions will be in areas of friendships, dating and sex.
Key Ideas…
Prepare for the adventure of being a teenager. Your child is going to make some pivotal choices during their teen years. This book helps set the stage for parents to discuss important issues such as peer pressure, sex and dating. There is only a small window that your child will seek their parent’s direction and advice. It is important to have open communication now to develop a close parent/child relationship.
There are discussions on peer pressure. It’s important for a child to decide in advance how they are going to handle it when all their friends are drinking and having sex. Principles from the Bible will help them make wiser decisions.
What is sex? What does the Bible say about it? What boundaries will you set? If your child makes these decisions in advance, they will be prepared during the given time.
What is dating and what is the purpose of dating? Parents need to be involved with the dating experience of their child.
Action Steps…
Set up a special time with your child. Preferably, set up an overnight road trip.
1. Make this a special time. Set some money aside for a nice dinner out and buying a small gift for your child to remember this time together.
2. Plan ahead and make appointments if necessary. Buy tickets to a ball game, movie, make an appointment to get your nails done, etc.
3. How well do you know your child? (Some questions to think about)
a. What is his/her best friend?
b. Who is his/her greatest hero?
c. What embarrasses his/her most?
d. What’s his/her biggest fear?
e. What’s his/her favorite type of music?
f. What makes them angry?
g. What chore does he/she like least?
h. What activity did he/she enjoy most last weekend?
4. Be prepared to share some of your own experiences growing up with your child (how you changed physically, peer pressure from friends, dating). Be careful only to share what is appropriate.
5. Write a letter to your pre-teen. Draft it first. Share your feelings in a natural way. Recognize that he/she is growing up, how much you appreciate them. Highlight some of their key strengths. Share your excitement about this special getaway with them. Indicate your commitment to train and support them through this time and express your unconditional love for them.
6. Be prepared to answer these questions:
a. What is the purpose of sex? Dating? What kind of person do you want to marry? Date?
b. How much sexual activity do you think you should experience prior to marriage? (hugs, holding hands, kissing, passionately hugging and kissing, touching below the neck, touching below the waist, taking clothes off, intercourse). Where do you want to challenge your pre-teen to draw the line? What point is it difficult to stop?
Quotables…
“My guess is that 99.9 percent of all parents look at their eleven- or twelve-year old and don’t have the foggiest idea that he is beginning to grapple with adult issues.” Pg xxi
“Our experience leads us to believe the most pivotal choices are made during the age span of about eleven to fifteen. Wrong choices can tragically alter the course of a child’s life.” Pg xxi
“You must be proactive to train and prepare your preteen for adolescence, or the culture will do it for you.” Pg xxii
“It’s your job to guide your children…You can’t pick them up and carry them to adulthood. They have to walk the path. But they need you as their guide.” Pg xxii
“Maintaining a strong relationship with your child is the key that will enable you to guide him through the teen years.” Pg xxviii
“Every teenager faces traps. These traps can ensnare you. To avoid traps, you need to make wise choices based on your personal convictions.” Pg 4
“Everyone is susceptible to peer pressure. Peer pressure will test your convictions.” “You need to know what to look for in a friend.” Pg 9
“God designed sex within marriage so that you could experience closeness with your husband/wife.” Pg 19
“Treat young women with respect. Keep your sexual desires under control.” Pg 28
“What is the purpose of dating? To discover the person whom God wants you to marry.” Pg 40
How this has changed my parenting…
My daughter feels she can talk to me about anything, where it may have been uncomfortable at first. But this book reinforces that it’s okay and important to have your parents involved in your life and their friends do not have the answers. I also learned a great deal about setting standards and knowing our convictions prior to being tested.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Book Review, Parent Resources, Christian Home, Fathers, Mothers, Parenting
17. Book Review -- Raising Kids for True Greatness
Book Title: Raising Kids for True Greatness
Author: Tim Kimmel
Year of Publication: 2006
Publisher: W Publishing Group
Pages: 220
Author’s Web-site: http://www.familymatters.net
Full Book Available in: English
You should read this book if you…
Want to raise children who are great in God’s eyes and not merely successful by the world’s standards.
“In a nut shell”…
Teach your children to serve God and others while here on earth, and God will richly reward them someday in heaven.
Key Ideas…
Learn how to prepare your kids for true greatness by helping them answer three critical questions:
What will be their mission in life?
Who will they spend their lives with?
Who will be their master?
Action Steps…
Model for my children what authentic faith in God and true concern for others looks like.
Teach them to give back to life much more than they take.
Quotables…
“If you aim your children at anything less than greatness, you’ll set them up to miss the whole point of their lives,” author Tim Kimmel says. “When we don’t need all that the earth has to offer, it becomes far more pleasing to live here”.
Statistics and Interesting Facts…
This book has a “Ten Ways…” list at the end of each chapter that I love! They give practical tips in several areas. One area is, Ten Ways to Be a Great Member of the Family:
Everybody helps everybody…always, in whatever ways are needed
Be upbeat, positive, and encouraging
Remember, “please” and “thank you” are not just good manners; they’re the calling cards of a grateful heart
Have a lot of fun, just not at the expense of anyone else
Each week, do your best to eat as many meals as possible together as a family. You’ll cut the chance of your kids using tobacco and drugs in half and double the chances they’ll bring home A’s on their report cards!
Respect one another’s space and stuff. Ask, and it most likely will be given unto you
Guard family traditions, and do your best to celebrate all birthdays, holidays, and major milestones
Guard the morals and integrity of everyone around you. Be sensitive about how you communicate, what you view, and whom you bring into the family circle
Be quick to rally around a family member who is down, whether it’s a result of sickness, injury, failure, rejection, or discouragement
Assume that the Lord Jesus is an ex officio participant in every detail of your family. Make sure He always feels at home and comfortable with what’s going on
Other “Ten Ways” lists include …to Be a Great Employee, …to Build a Great Attitude in Kids’ Hearts Toward God, …to Be a Great Teammate, …to Be a Great Classmate, …to Be a Great Friend, …to Be a Great Neighbor, …to Teach Your Children to Put God First, …to Be a Great Church Member, …to Help Your Kids Get the Best Out of Organized Sports.
How this has changed my parenting…
It has readjusted my focus. We live in such a competitive society, and we feel/expect our kids to do well and be successful. This has helped to take my focus off comparison and helped me define what I want more than anything for my children—for them to be great in God’s eyes!
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Book Review, Parent Resources, Christian Home, Fathers, Mothers, Parenting
18. Book Review -- Sacred Parenting
Book Title: Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls
Author: Gary Thomas
Year of Publication: 2004
Publisher: Zondervan
Pages: 223
Author’s Web-site: http://www.garythomas.com
Full Book Available in: English
You should read this book if you…
Are a parent of any aged child
“In a nut shell”…
The author discusses how God uses our kids to change us and draw us closer to Him.
Key Ideas…
When we realize that having children isn’t about us but is rather about God, then the trials and sacrifices of parenting are easier to handle. The issue is no longer how proud my children make me, but how faithful I’ve been to do what God wants me to do.
It is important that our children see my husband and I spending our time and effort focusing on God.
What our children ask of us is nothing compared to what we ask of God. We must never forget that God has forgiven us, is patient with us, and endures our own failings to an even greater extent than we do for our own children.
Any time we can bring our children joy, we bring a smile to God’s face.
When you give your baby a bath, you are washing God’s baby. Pause a moment in your busy day and look up to heaven. When you minister to that youngster, can you imagine God smiling down at you? When you fix that hungry six year old a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you are feeding one of God’s children.
Action Steps…
Try to thank God for our children more than asking Him to change them. Pray with gratitude for what God is doing in their lives, and list the qualities he’s given them for which I feel grateful.
You must become what you’re praying for your children to become. If I want my son to be a man of prayer, I must first become a woman of prayer.
One of the greatest gifts a parent can give to his or her children is to enjoy them, to love them, to laugh with them, to let them know that we feel so very thankful that they are our children.
When a child disobeys, God wants us to respond in love. Children need to see our total commitment to them and that our primary concern is for their well-being.
Quotables…
“A God-centered parent acts out of reverence for God. Regardless of how my children treat me, I know that God wills that I move toward my children, to get engaged in their lives, to offer biblical correction and loving support. It doesn’t matter how they respond to me as much as it matters what God has called me to do. Though I adore my children, I don’t get out of bed on just a few hours of sleep solely out of love for them, but out of reverence for God.” Pg 21
“Our spouses and our children can’t quench the God-given spiritual hunger in our souls. When we neglect God, we ask our marriage and our parenting to become stand ins for God—something they were never designed to be.” Pg 21
“Many of us are so tempted to focus on purifying our children that we neglect our own spiritual growth.” Pg 19
How this has changed my parenting…
It has reminded me that it is not about me, my comfort, my happiness or how proud my child makes me, but being obedient to God in serving my child. Also, it is a reminder that I must grow to be more like Christ in order to be the best Mom I can be. The most important thing is to share the gospel with my child every day.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Book Review, Parent Resources, Christian Home, Fathers, Mothers, Parenting
19. Book Review -- Scream Free Parenting
Book Title: Scream Free Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool
Author: Hal Edward Runkel, LMFT
Year of Publication: 2007
Publisher: Broadway Books, a division of Random House, Inc.
Pages: 218
Author’s Web-site: http://www.screamfree.com
Full Book Available in: English
You should read this book if you…
Find yourself feeling anxious about your kids and their choices, and emotionally reacting to those choices.
“In a nut shell”…
This book is about learning to create the relationships we’ve always craved, by simply learning to focus on ourselves, calm ourselves down and grow ourselves up.
Key Ideas…
Become the “cool” parent your kids really need by controlling yourself and growing yourself up.
Keeping your cool means creating space for them to make decisions and for us to calm our anxiety about those decisions.
Keeping your cool means letting the consequences do the screaming and not giving empty threats.
Take time for yourself.
Action Steps…
To enjoy the “personal” side of parenting (fun/playful) you must take care of the “business” side first (assert yourself as authority).
Your ability to calm yourself down, even when your kids are out of control, is the best way to set their place in the family.
Let the consequences do the screaming.
Welcome consequences and then you become a life guide for your children; walk alongside them as they struggle and suffer through them.
Practice changing your part of the relationship and watch the changes begin around you.
Love yourself for the benefit of your children.
Put on your own oxygen mask first so that you are healthy enough to take care of your children (as in flying with young children on a commercial flight, in the case of a crash, you are to put on your oxygen mask FIRST before you put one on the child).
Create time for a hobby, coffee with a friend, a retreat, etc.
Quotables…
“Emotional reactivity is our worst enemy when it comes to having great relationships.”
“Whenever we give in to our anxiety we create the very outcome we are trying to avoid.”
“The only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves.”
“Your emotional responses are up to you. You always have a choice.”
“Without space to make their own mistakes our kids live only borrowed lives.”
“Becoming a ScreamFree Parent is about learning to operate out of respect for your highest principles, not in reaction to your deepest fears.”
“Your child is testing you to see that you are stable and consistent. And he wants you to pass.”
“Your goal is not to stifle their emotions but, rather, to steer them toward productive expression.”
“Stability and structure are necessary components in a healthy home.”
“ScreamFree Parenting is not a problem-solving or behavioral modification model; it is a growth model.”
“Loving yourself first is the only true way to be ScreamFree, because it is the only way to seek your own calm first. It is the only way to truly benefit your kids without burdening them with the need to benefit you.”
How this has changed my parenting…
Since reading this book, I have found myself calm when my two-year-old son says “no” or hits in rebellion to my requests. I give him a choice to obey or disobey and suffer a consequence; I allow him to make his choice and enforce the consequence calmly without getting anxious about what he chooses. I now recognize that I can only control myself, and I have been doing more things to take care of myself so that I am more energized and in a healthier mental and emotional state to take care of my son.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Children, Parent Resources, Christian Home, Fathers, Men's Articles, Mothers, Parenting, Women's Articles
20. Book Review -- She's Gonna Blow!
Book Title: She's Gonna Blow! Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger
Author: Julie Ann Barnhill
Year of Publication: 2001
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers
Pages: 272 pages
Author’s Web-site: http://www.juliebarnhill.com
Full Book Available in: English
You should read this book if you…
If you tell yourself “I am not going to get angry again and loose my temper with my children.” Yet again, you find yourself losing your temper only to be left with a sense of guilt and despair. Also, if you are struggling with the joys of parenting and/or to enjoy your children.
“In a nut shell”…
This book is about one mother’s open and honest journey through her parenting experience and her battle with anger. She candidly shares, with a touch of humor, her own daily struggles and mistakes as a mother. She reassures, all mothers, that they are not alone in the struggles that come with raising a family. She offers useful and helpful advice to deal with the anger in your life and begin to take step towards change.
Key Ideas…
Julie Ann Barnhill breaks down her book into two parts.
In the first part, she explores the various reasons women may be dealing with anger, likening them to volcanoes. She focuses on understanding your “style of erupting.” She explains three styles of eruption. The first is a simmering anger often displayed in a negative attitude towards life. The second style is described as an eruption that spews “verbal cinders of sarcasm” (Pg 35). The third style is an explosive eruption generating both verbal and physical abuse. She challenges that any of those types of eruptions can cause our children harm; therefore, we should desire to seek help.
Julie also focuses on recognizing the warning signs and the underground issues of anger, as well as, when you’ve gone too far. She tells of three warning signs that may lead to an eruption. The first, she describes as “little triggers, big eruptions” (Pg 53), which are the many little things that can cause stress. The second is sarcastic language that we tend to emit when irritable and the third is your own physical condition (i.e. PMS) that can set off explosive responses. She then categorizes the underground issues into three pressures that women face. She explains that pressures from the past, pressures from within and mounting pressures can be the root to our anger. Lastly, she shares through her very own account, that if you have induced any bodily harm on your child when angry, that you’ve gone too far. She lovingly encourages women to seek help.
In the second part, Julie provides sound and practical advice to move towards change. She presents 14 insightful and helpful strategies to “keeping things cool.” In addition, she includes appendixes chock-full of information about depression, child development stages and a wide-ranging recommended reading list.
Action Steps…
In each chapter Julie Ann Barnes inserts Time Out/Tamers, which are practical tips, for moms, to help with anger management. Following are the Top Ten:
Times like this are good occasions to start repeating the sane mother’s creed: “This too shall pass.” Pg 21
Sometimes you can short-circuit a volcanic explosion by concentrating on your physical reactions. Remind yourself to breathe deeply and slowly… Pg 36
If piles of laundry – or any other visual annoyance – tend to shake your temper, find a way to put them out of sight until you can do something about them. Pg 51
Learn to recognize the physical signs of anger in order to gain control over them and stop your anger from escalating. Pg 60
In so many stressful parenting situations laughter really can save you. Take advantage of the fact that your children really are funny…and let the tension escape through a laugh instead of a tantrum. Pg 88
Never underestimate the power of a sincere apology. When you realize you’ve misdirected anger toward your children…admit it. Pg 89
We can lessen the stress and improve our relationships if we consciously choose to forgive the child that is “always” doing something that upsets or bothers us. Pg 95
Looking your child square in the eye and tenderly holding his face in your hands, say, “I love you just the way you are!” Pg 102
If the unexpected throws you for a loop and triggers responses of anger then take a few minutes to plan for the unexpected in order to prevent angry eruptions. Pg 122
If PMS is a problem for you, you can alleviate some of the discomfort by simply decreasing your salt intake. Pg 179
Quotables…
“Do you find yourself assuming that you’re the only mother struggling with anger toward your children? The mother that you least expect may be burdened with the most secrets of anger and rage.” Pg 26
“This is the nagging issue of mother guilt. And this one’s a real pressure cooker for most of us because we have bought into assumption that, whatever happens to our children ‘it’s my fault because I’m the mom.’” Pg 86
“You had high ideals…and you watch many of those ideals come crashing down and pile up in a heap of reality around your Cheerio-encrusted toes…But take heart, dear friend. There is light at the end of the tunnel…and this time it’s not an annoying blue engine named Thomas! No, this light of hope is the loving and satisfying relationship that you and your child will experience as a result of your acknowledging…and dealing with your anger. Pg 232
How this has changed my parenting…
In dealing with my own anger, as a mother, I was most relieved to learn that I was not alone. This book encouraged me to continue to openly share my battle with anger, as a parent. I was able to share my struggles with my friends and build a support group, even if they didn’t necessarily have the same struggles. The greatest nuggets of wisdom that I gleaned from this book were learning to admit my mistakes, apologize to my children, as well as forgiving their little quirks, and loving them for their wonderful little personalities. Julie Ann Barnhill’s strategies presented me with some practical steps in anger management.
My top Five Strategies are:
Strategy # 3: Take care of you physical self: Make sure to take the time to visit doctors/dentist and exercise.
Strategy # 6: Have a plan for discipline: A little advance preparation can do a lot to reduce stress.
Strategy # 10: Childproof you mouth: Control your tongue and think before you speak.
Strategy # 12: Adjust your attitude: Learn to be content in all things.
Strategy # 14: Start a support group: Find three or four other moms that have similar struggles and meet regularly.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Christian Home, Mothers, Fathers, Parenting, Book Review, Women's Articles, Parent Resources
21. Book Review -- Shepherding a Child's Heart
Book Title: Shepherding a Child's Heart
Author: Tedd Tripp
Year of Publication: 1995
Publisher: Shepherd Press
Pages: 237
Author’s Web-site: http://www.paultrippministries.org
Full Book Available in: English, Czech
You should read this book if you…
Want to learn about a Biblical approach to parenting that focuses on the root of the issue – the heart attitude.
“In a nut shell”…
The condition of the heart is at the core of why kids do what they do. Without a change of heart, no true change in behavior can take place. To change behavior you need to understand your child’s “heart condition” and why he or she is exhibiting the behavior you see.
Key Ideas…
Consistency is the key to security forming the child’s worldview. Asking questions helps you understand what is going on in a child’s heart. The “why” behind the behavior can only be addressed by understanding the “condition of a child’s heart.”
The behavior is not the main issue; changed behavior does not necessarily mean a changed heart. This is foundational to all relationships, not only with children but adults also.
Parents need to realize that things going on at home or school may drive the behavior that impacts the child’s heart. Examples: divorce, stress, parents working long hours, controlling attitudes, drugs, problems with school friends, low grades, feelings of insecurity
Action Steps…
Make sure you are consistent with your spouse in how you research the “condition of the heart” and how you will disciple and communicate the changes in behavior you desire.
Understand your child’s needs in order to change behavior. Helping your child understand his or her behavior and heart condition will provide lasting change.
Prayer in the home and focus on the Bible for peace, joy and strength can have a huge impact on the child and parents alike.
The ability to say “I’m sorry” or “I made a mistake” as a parent opens up communication and models unconditional love.
We need to shepherd our children so that they develop Biblical attitudes. We are reinforcing them with scripture so they learn the “why.”
Quotables…
“The Scripture teaches that the heart is the control center of life. A person’s life is a reflection of his heart. Proverbs 4:23 states it like this: ‘Above all else, guard your heart because it is the wellspring of life.’” Pg 3
How this has changed my parenting…
Before reading this book, I was drawn to the things I learned in college about child development and psychology as a solution. The secular training was helpful in understanding the physiological and emotional stages a child goes through, but heart issues with a more spiritual aspect were not addressed.
I found with my own daughter that many times the secular methods only resulted in temporary changes and not the lasting results I longed for in my child. I wanted her to learn to be self-disciplined with a good attitude. In her heart, she needs to want to do the right thing, not because I was always the enforcer.
As I have worked with children with deep hurts of rejection in Africa, I have found that you can only help a child heal by understanding their hearts. Many of the techniques of consistency in the secular world are great tools but the bottom line is that behavior will not change unless the heart changes. This was the most important thing I learned even with older children. If you make a mistake, it is important to model humility and say you are sorry. It is never too late to adjust how you relate to older children. This was a huge encouragement to me as I apologized to my adult daughter for things I didn’t handle well when she was a child. God is an amazing restoration expert and the book is an encouragement to any parent.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Christian Home, Mothers, Fathers, Parenting, Book Review, Parent Resources
22. Book Review -- Siblings Without Rivalry
Book Title: Siblings Without Rivalry
Author: Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Year of Publication: 1987, 2004
Publisher: HarperPaperbacks
Pages: 246 pages
Author’s Web-site: http://www.fabermazlish.com
Full Book Available in: English, Czech
You should read this book if you…
Want your children to get along better and build good relationships.
“In a nut shell”…
Sibling rivalry is a common part of growing up with siblings. Instead of letting it destroy your children’s relationship, this book gives you tools to help your children learn how to relate to one other in a more positive way.
Key Ideas…
Sibling rivalry is normal; not something to be afraid of, but something we should see as a “classroom” in which children learn to form healthy relationships. What relational skills they learn within the family, dealing with conflict, disappointment in not getting their own way, sharing belongings, etc, they will carry with them into life..
Recognizing your children’s negative feelings towards their siblings is essential in the process of forming more positive ones. We need to give them a proper outlet to let them have those feelings validated.
Comparing your children to each other, either favorably or unfavorably, is unhealthy.
It is more important to treat your children uniquely than fairly. They want to feel like they are loved and respected for who they are individually. They are unique and so are their needs.
No one (parents, child, siblings) should lock a child into any kind of role. Parents should never label their child (messy, smart, shy), even in ways we think are complimentary.
If you implement these principles into your families life, the fighting will decrease and good feelings between your children will increase.
Action Steps…
Don’t worry about your children being “best friends”. Focus on equipping them with skills (i.e. listening) and attitudes (i.e. humility) they need in all their relationships.
Acknowledge your children’s feelings (negative and positive) towards one another and show them how to deal with angry feelings in an acceptable way.
Evaluate yourself in how you deal with angry feelings – what kind of role model are you?
Evaluate the needs of each child individually. Explain to them that things may not be equal, and that is OK.
Do not put your children in roles, encourage them to try different activities.
Instead of talking about negative behavior, use statements such as “I know you have an incredible ability to be kind. Please use that ability!”
Tell children that hurting one another will not be allowed.
Do not force your children to share their possessions. You may encourage it, but forcing it will increase resentment between your children.
Quotables…
“Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Allowing for bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.” Pg 49
“The passion and excitement you feel about a child’s achievement should be saved for a moment when just the two of you are together. It’s too much for the other sibling to have to listen to.” Pg 58
“To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self – is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.” Pg 69
“Treat our children, not as they are, but as we hope they will become.” Pg 103
“Basically we try not to interfere (when fighting), but when we must step in, it’s always with the thought that at the earliest possible moment we want to turn the children back to dealing with each other.” Pg 156
Miscellaneous…
How to Handle the Fighting
(Pgs 143 & 144)
Normal bickering: Ignore it; Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.
Situation is heating up: Acknowledge their anger; Reflect each child’s point of view; Describe the problem with respect; Express confidence in the children’s ability to find their own solution; Leave the room.
Situation possibly dangerous: Inquire: “Is this a play fight or a real fight?” (Play fights are permitted. Real fights are not.); Let the children know: “Play fighting by mutual consent only”; Respect your feelings: “You may be playing, but it’s too rough for me. You need to find another activity.”
Situation definitely dangerous. Adult intervention necessary: Describe what you see; separate the children.
How this has changed my parenting…
There is some great practical advice in this book. It is relatively easy to implement, because once you think about it, the authors make so much sense. I hadn’t really thought about the things that we do to set our kids up for bickering. I started reading this book thinking that my kids just need to change but realized that there are several things my husband and I need to change in our parenting. It was refreshing to realize that what my children are going through is normal and that they really are learning some valuable life skills by interacting with each other.
We just recently had a big discussion about the kids being treated equally and they both walked away thinking the last thing they wanted to be was treated equally, just uniquely. The above guidelines about fighting have really helped: it takes the pressure off of me to solve the issues and let’s the kids do it with minimal intervention from me.
I felt that my kids should share everything and I would try to force them to do so, but I realized that it is good for them to have a choice in sharing.
Sibling rivalry is much more than kids fighting all the time. It really is important that we help them navigate through this relationship by doing our part.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Christian Home, Mothers, Fathers, Parenting, Book Review, Parent Resources
23. Book Review -- Supernanny
Book Title: Supernanny: How to Get the Best from Your Children
Author: Jo Frost
Year of Publication: 2005
Publisher: Hyperion
Pages: 223
Author’s Web-site: http://www.jofrost.com
Full Book Available in: English
You should read this book if you…
Want easy strategies for dealing with everyday problems that you face with your child under age five.
“In a nut shell”…
This book covers a variety of topics that a parent of a child under age five will find useful.
Key Ideas and Action Steps…
Basic Techniques
Ages and Stages:
Birth to six months—Your baby needs lots of love and contact. She cannot be forced into a routine or be spoiled. So attend to your child every time they cry. You will soon be able to distinguish her cries (hunger, tired, dirty, etc.)
Six to Eighteen Months—Your baby is more active and begins to explore her world. Start child-proofing your home early on. Your baby will start to develop her character. You can discipline, but use a low, firm voice. She will respond to your tone even if she doesn’t understand your words.
Eighteen Months to Three Years – Your toddler is at a stage where she wants to explore and experience the world like a 5 year old, but lacks the self-control to make good decisions. This sets up a trying age commonly known as the “terrible two’s”. Your toddler will usually lack patience, not be able to plan ahead, cannot control herself and has no sense of danger. This is the age to start setting boundaries with your toddler and to be consistent with the boundaries.
Three to Five – At this age your preschooler will have more control over her actions and will begin to play with others. She will ask lots of “why” questions at this age and will usually have a vivid imagination.
Routines and Rules: Establishing a daily routine will make sure that your child’s physical needs are met at the right time which will cut down on tantrums related to being hungry or tired. It is also a way to reduce defiance when the next activity needs to begin (e.g., bath time, bedtime) because your child will already expect what is coming next because of the daily routine. Rules are necessary for children, but you need to be consistent no matter who is watching your child and establish rules that your child can realistically follow at her particular age.
Setting Boundaries: Discipline is the fine line between setting rules with your children yet still being warm and loving. Respect needs to happen on both sides. However, if you discipline your kids too much you might break their spirit. Not enough and you are setting them up for failure when they get outside of home (e.g. school, making friends). When disciplining your child, keep in mind that children pick up on your tone of voice and body language. Make sure you get down on their level and talk in a low, firm voice. In addition, make sure you praise your child when they do things right. This way they don’t have to act out just to get your attention. Be consistent and act immediately when disciplining, but never discipline when your child is ill, there is doubt as to who did what to whom, when your child’s behavior has shocked her and she is really sorry, there is a big change in family life (move, new baby, etc.), or when she has already been disciplined.
Troubleshooting
Dressing: When dressing challenges arise make sure you follow these steps to solve them: Offer your child a few choices on what to wear and be clear on what type of clothing they need to wear. Involve her and teach and encourage her to dress herself. Use firm and fair control if you experience repeated struggles.
Toilet Training: The optimal age for toilet training is between 2 ½ and 3 years. At this age your child is old enough to have control over her bladder and bowels and can realize when she is about to go. If you train too early you may be training for months whereas if you wait until your child is ready, the training process will only take a few weeks. When it is time to toilet train, learn to identify the signs when your child needs to go, keep clothing simple, praise him when he pees or poos, ask him if he needs to go constantly throughout the day, keep the potty close at hand, and be consistent, calm and confident. Also, do not use pull-ups during this stage. It confuses the child. Use either diapers or pants.
Eating: For the first four months of life your baby should only be given breast milk or formula. If your baby is still hungry after a feeding, he needs more milk, not solid food. Cow’s milk should never be given before 1 year. It contains too much protein for babies. Begin introducing solid food after 4 months if your child is still hungry after milk or he is experiencing a lull in weight gain. He may not like the taste or texture at first, but keep on trying little by little and wait a week or two if necessary. Introduce one food at a time to see if a certain food is disliked or causes an allergic reaction. After the age of one and a half a toddler should be able to eat anything the family eats, provided it is cut up in small enough bites. Introduce a variety of foods early on. Keep portions small and stick with three main meals a day with 2 daytime healthy snacks.
Social Skills: It is very important for a child to learn how to get along with other people. While a toddler may see other people as standing in the way of what they want to do, preschoolers will soon realize that sharing and taking turns are good skills to have. You can help your child by making clear what the limits are when it comes to playtime. By joining in and having fun with your child at every stage you will teach them necessary social skills. Playing is not only how children have fun, but it is how they learn. Even by simply having your child “help” you do chores you will be teaching them valuable social skills. A child cannot distinguish “work” from “play”. When it comes to sharing and taking turns, practice at home with simple lessons. And if children are playing well together, don’t hover. They will sort out their own problems and develop their own friendships without you constantly being there.
Bedtime: Establishing a nightly bedtime routine is key to helping ease the transition from daytime to bedtime. First, set a time for going to bed. For preschoolers, a bedtime between 7:00 and 8:00 works best. With a set bedtime it gives older children one on one time with you or allows you and your partner some much needed relaxation. When setting your bedtime routine, it is important to allow just the amount of time for each step. You don’t want to linger on steps (bath, brushing teeth, etc.) so that your child thinks there is room to maneuver, but then again you don’t want to rush through the steps.
Quality Time: Bring up your child is hard work and it is not realistic for every moment spent to be “quality time”. But the rewards come in the fact that you can enjoy this precious period in his life because it will be gone all too quickly. Take every chance to turn chores into fun. Quality time should also allow for each family member to have individual attention and time off.
How this has changed my parenting…
The stand-out point that this book has taught me is the importance of a daily routine. I tend to be a pretty lax parent, but I’ve discovered that since we have started a routine (even though it isn’t super strict) my kids are more easygoing, generally happier, and less cranky at bedtime and throughout the day.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Christian Home, Mothers, Fathers, Parenting, Book Review, Parent Resources