25. Book Review -- The Five Love Languages of Children
Book Title: The Five Love Languages of Children
Author: Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.
Year of Publication: 1997
Publisher: Northfield Publishing
Pages: 189 pages
Author’s Web-site: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com
Full Book Available in: English, Czech
You should read this book if you…
Want to learn how to show your child unconditional love in a way that she or he understands and receives love. Since love is the most basic need of every child, we need to find out how our child uniquely receives love and then learn how to love them in that way. This will make disciplining your child and teaching them much more manageable and effective.
“In a nut shell”…
Love is the foundation for helping a child develop a healthy self-esteem so that they can learn how to handle anger, develop healthy relational skills, and develop their special gifts and talents to contribute to society. This book describes the five basic love languages and how to find out which one is your child’s primary one and your primary one. You will learn how to respond to your child in the best way for him or her to understand in situations of discipline, learning, anger or encouragement.
Key Ideas…
The five love languages are as follows:
Physical touch –All children have a need for physical touch, but some get their emotional tanks filled this way. For young children it may mean lots of kisses and hugs and holding on your lap. For older ones, it may mean wrestling with your son on the floor or patting him on the back or hugging your daughter as she comes home from school or leaves to go out with friends.
Words of affirmation – children deeply believe what we say. If there is a lack of encouraging words or if they don’t regularly hear “I love you,” some children will not feel that you love them even if you are showing them in many other ways. These words are different than praising your child for an accomplishment, but these words are praise and appreciation for who the child is and compliments on what she does as a result. Frequent random praise with no real thought out truth behind it will sound like empty flattery to a child who feels love through words, so be careful to be truthful as you use encouraging words to guide your child and show them unconditional love.
Quality time – this is your gift of presence to your child, your undivided attention. You are showing your child that he or she is important and you like being with them. You can just play a game together or go out for lunch. This requires the parent to sacrifice a precious commodity, time, in order to spend time alone with your child. If your child’s primary love language is quality time, without a large supply of quality time and focused attention, your child will start to feel that you don’t really love him.
Gifts – everyone likes to receive gifts, but the child who feels most loved by getting gifts will keep special gifts in a special place and always tell others about them and who they got them from. These gifts are usually not expensive or big. Don’t just get them anything and everything, but be sure that your gift is a true expression of your love and show love using the other love languages as well so the gift will further convey your unconditional love.
Acts of service – parenting requires lots of ‘acts of service’ as you physically care for your children, but these aren’t always pure acts of love but duty. Children who receive love by being served feel loved when their parents help them do things they can’t do for themselves or help them get something done that would be a struggle to do alone.
Action Steps…
Discovering your child’s primary love language takes time. Young children are still experimenting with different ways of receiving and showing love. You need to speak all five love languages while specializing in their primary language.
Observe how your child expresses love to you.
Observe how your child expresses love to others.
Listen to what your child requests most often.
Notice what your child most frequently complains about.
Give your child a choice between two options (between two love languages).
We must discipline a child in love so to do this you need to know that children are constantly testing our love for them by their behavior. So ask yourself what your child needs when he is misbehaving. Your goal is not just to correct his behavior but to guide and train a child toward right behavior and good choices, forming a heart of compassion and selflessness.
Quotables…
“…speaking your child’s primary love language helps her feel loved. When your child feels loved, when her emotional tank is full, she will be more responsive to parental guidance in all areas of her life.” Pg 97
“When we as parent learn to speak our children’s love language, even though it differs from our own, we are showing them the way of unselfishness, the way of serving others.” Pg 98
Miscellaneous…
Be sure to speak love to your child in her primary love language before and after you correct or punish them.
A warm and loving relationship between parent and child provides a foundation for a child’s desire and ability to learn because for a child to be able to learn well, he must be emotionally mature according to his age. Parents have the greatest effect on a child’s emotional growth and we can give our children a learning advantage by filling their love tanks in the way they uniquely receive love.
Anger and love are strongly related. We must learn what anger is and how to handle it appropriately in order to teach our children to do the same. Anger is the primary lifetime threat to your child, and if your child doesn’t learn to handle anger well, it will damage or destroy him.
How this has changed my parenting…
Instead of just punishing my children when they misbehave, I first make sure I am doing all I can to make them feel loved by speaking their unique love languages. Then I ask myself what they need when they misbehave.
For my oldest daughter, she receives love through quality time and sometimes gifts. If I am not spending enough time just with her, she tends to not receive my parental guidance as well and fights against my correction and discipline.
My youngest receives love through words and sometimes physical touch as she is still only 4 years old. Whenever I must correct her wrong behavior, I make sure to hug her before and after the correction and to always tell her I love her and to thank her for how she listens and tries to make good choices.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Christian Home, Mothers, Fathers, Parenting, Book Review, Parent Resources
26. Book Review -- The Key to Your Child's Heart
Book Title: The Key to Your Child's Heart
Author: Gary Smalley
Year of Publication: 1984
Publisher: Word Publishing
Pages: 176
Author’s Web-site: http://www.garysmalley.com
Full Book Available in: English, Czech
You should read this book if you…
Have a child who tends to easily isolate themselves from the rest of the family, OR who is angry or pouts for no apparent reason, over a longer period of time than a day or two, OR if you need some creative new ideas on raising your teens, challenging them, holding them accountable, and teaching them responsibility.
“In a nut shell”…
This book helped me understand one of my children who had been offended and we were not even aware of it. He had a hard time receiving our love and communicating with us. His spirit was closed to us and to others that we knew he loved. This book showed us how to reopen his spirit and better understand how he felt offended and why. He was three years old at the time.
Key Ideas…
Raise your children with an open spirit by lovingly setting guidelines and creating a warm, close home life. In this way you help them grow up confident and responsible as well as share fulfilling lifelong relationships with them.
Four Basic Types of Parenting: Dominant (produces the most negative qualities in children), Neglectful (tend to lack both loving support and control over their children), Permissive (warm and supportive, weak in establishing and enforcing rules and limits for their children), Loving and Firm (clearly defined rules, limits, and standards for living).
Action Steps…
There is a list of 84 ways we offend our children: misunderstanding their motives or being insensitive or rough with them emotionally, and/or breaking promises to them that seem small to us. You can learn how to discern if your child’s spirit has been closed to others: resistant, argues, seeks unhealthy relationships, uses disrespectful language. If our spirits are closed to others, then we are not open to deep relationships or even communication with others. We can close down and begin to isolate ourselves, either from those that hurt us or where we perceive the hurt to be.
5 Ways to Reopen the Spirit: Become Tenderhearted, Increase Understanding, Recognize the Offense, Attempt to Touch, Seek Forgiveness.
Express loving support to children: The author specifically talks about aspects of relationships with one another that may not be commonly thought of, such as, unconditional commitment, scheduling times together, being available to our children, treating them tenderly and using eye contact. He helps the reader understand how to better listen to each other, understand each other and how to use meaningful touch.
Simple suggested limits for children ages 3-5:
We will obey God as we understand the Bible.
We will obey Mommy and Daddy.
We will be kind to people and things—God’s creation.
Three ways to motivate children – a powerful way to change behavior:
Using their natural bent – understand your child’s personality and temperament and learn their basic interests and talents. When you know his/her goals, you can use them to read, eat healthier, meet people, etc.
Using the “salt” principle – The old saying “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”, is not necessarily true. If you dump salt into his oats he will become thirsty. Use your child’s interests to share things that will help him/her be successful. Guidelines: clearly identify what you wish to communicate, identify your listeners most important interests, share just enough of your idea to stimulate curiosity, use questions to increase curiosity, communicate your important information or idea only after you see you have your child’s interest and attention.
Using emotional word pictures – associating our feelings with either a real or imaginary explanation – this allows us to connect deeply with one another. (“I feel like the color blue,” “Cars don’t do without gas, you won’t go without food,”)
Close-Knit families appreciate each other, spend a great deal of time together, practice good communication patterns, have a strong sense of commitment, have a high degree of religious orientation, and can deal with crisis in a positive manner.
Quotables…
“I’ve found that if we carefully watch non-verbal expressions, we can add to our understanding of what’s going on inside a child.“ Pg 35
“People do what you inspect not what you expect.” Henry Brandt Pg 93
Statistics and Interesting Facts…
In training children, the emphasis should be 45% structure with limits and 55% a loving relationship.
How this has changed my parenting…
I chose to review this book because the principles outlined here radically and positively affected the ways we parented our four young children. That was 25 years ago, and I feel that our children, as adults today, are more well-rounded due to some of the principles we learned from this book. I highly recommend having this book as a resource in your own personal library. It is helpful to refer back to all along the way during your family’s developments. I don’t think you ever outgrow this book!
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Christian Home, Mothers, Fathers, Parenting, Book Review, Parent Resources
27. Book Review -- The New Dare to Discipline
Book Title: The New Dare to Discipline
Author: Dr. James Dobson
Year of Publication: 1970, 1992
Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc
Pages: 251
Author’s Web-site: http://www.focusonthefamily.com
Full Book Available in: English, Czech
You should read this book if you…
Want to learn how to effectively and lovingly discipline your children. Through the encouraging words of Dr. Dobson, you will learn how to enforce boundaries in your home.
“In a nut shell”…
Dr. Dobson’s book explains how to tenderly apply discipline through common-sense child rearing and using the law of reinforcement to instill positive behavior and change negative behavior. This book also helps educators break down the barriers of learning and discipline within the classroom setting.
Key Ideas…
When properly applied, loving discipline works. There is a difference between discipline and punishment: discipline is directed at the behavior, punishment is directed at the individual. Verbal rewards to a child are great and a parent needs to make sure to tell the child that they love them and make a big deal of actions that the parent wants a child to repeat. In other words, ignore the actions that a parent does not want a child to take. Serious discipline, such as spanking, occurs when there is willful defiance toward the parent and not for childish irresponsibility.
The teacher/educator section of the book is the second half of the book and discusses how to have enough structure and discipline in the classroom to require certain behaviors from their students. One of the purposes of education is to prepare the young for responsibilities later in life (being on time, homework assignments, being prepared, getting along with others, staying focused to get the task complete, etc.)
Action Steps…
Common Sense Child Rearing:
Developing respect for parents is the critical factor in child management.
During the toddler phase is the best time to establish yourself, gently but persistently, as being in charge. Spanking should be an immediate response to a defiant “I will not” or “You shut up”. By interpreting the meaning behind the behavior, a parent can apply the appropriate discipline and seek the ultimate goal of maintaining the child’s respect.
The best opportunity to communicate occurs after a disciplinary event.
Children will seek out parent’s love after discipline and by having open, welcoming arms, you show your child that is the behavior – not the child – that you reject.
Control without nagging (it is possible).
Don’t saturate the child with materialism. “If you never allow a child to want something, he never enjoys the pleasure of receiving it.” Pg 45
Establish a balance between love and discipline.
Make sure your child knows who is in charge, show them that you love them and treat your child with respect and dignity, and expect them to treat you the same way.
The Law of Reinforcement is another topic that Dr. Dobson discussed in his book. He states that “behavior which achieves desirable consequences will recur.” We are all motivated by what pleases us and this can be useful in teaching responsible behavior with boys and girls. One way is to use rewards, but they must be granted quickly. These rewards need not be material in nature as anything desirable can reinforce behavior (such as words of praise). Anything that is considered desirable to a person can be reinforcement for their behavior. Children are so variable that for some children a stern look is all that is needed to help a child know who is in charge, while others seem to require strong and even painful disciplinary measures to make an impression.
When disciplinary measures fail, it is usually due to errors in their application. There are a few basic reasons for the lack of success. The biggest problem is infrequent and unusual discipline. Parents must be persistent and consistent when disciplining children. Also, the child may be more strong-willed than the parent, and they both know it.
There are three types of barriers to learning with some children, the Late Bloomer, the Slow Learner, and the Underachiever. The Late Bloomer is a developmental lag and can be helped if “held-back” a year in school. The Slow Learner has the inability to learn as quickly as his peers. Accommodations can be made to help slow learners thrive by teaching them to read in a one-to-one environment, shield them from the devastations of failure, and remember that success breeds success. The Underachiever is a student who doesn’t quite have the self-discipline to motivate themselves to do well. So, create a way to motivate an Underachiever by setting goals with positive reinforcements.
Quotables…
“Parents who are cold and stern with their sons and daughters often leave them damaged for life.” Pg 12
“The parent-child relationship is the first and most important social interaction a youngster will have.” Pg 18
“The parent’s demonstration of authority builds respect like no other process.” Pg 35
“Discipline for adolescents and teens should involve lost privileges, financial deprivation, and related forms of non-physical retribution.” Pg 72
“Verbal reinforcement can be the strongest motivator of human beings.” Pg 92
“…valuable formula for managing children and teenagers: give them maximum reason to comply with your wishes. Your anger is the least effective motivation…” Pg 118
Miscellaneous…
From “Chapter 11: A Moment for Moms”
Reserve some time for yourself – put yourself on the priority list too.
Don’t struggle with things you can’t change.
Don’t deal with big problems late at night – all problems seem more unsolvable at night, and the decisions that are reached then may be more emotional than rational.
Try making a list – there is comfort in making a list of duties to be performed.
Seek Divine Assistance – all the parenting solutions can be found through prayer and personal appeal to God, our Creator.
How this has changed my parenting…
I now have tools to use so that I can be prepared to help raise my children in a disciplined and loving environment. I am no longer afraid to discipline them or spank them (when it is necessary) because I know that all the love and positive time spent with them will enable these discipline occasions to strengthen our bond. I am also equipped to work on positive behavior reinforcement.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Christian Home, Mothers, Fathers, Parenting, Book Review, Parent Resources
28. Book Review -- The Wonder of Boys
Book Title: The Wonder of Boys
Author: Michael Gurian
Year of Publication: 1996/2006
Publisher: Jeremy P. Tarcher/ Penguin
Pages: 295
Author’s Web-site: http://www.michaelgurian.com
Full Book Available in: English
You should read this book if you…
Want to understand how God made boys the way they are, what they need to grow into mature and moral men, and what practical steps that you as parents can take to guide your sons from childhood to adulthood.
“In a nut shell”…
In tribal cultures, boys are brought up by all of the men in the tribe to honor and respect their biological differences as males. In our culture, it takes parents, male role models, and the society (media, education institutions, government, etc.) to train up a man to respect the body that God gave him, personally connect with God, find meaningful work, learn how to interact with men and women, and be a positive contributing member of society. This book is also very helpful for single mothers to encourage them to find male role models for their sons. They do not need to bear the brunt of raising sons all alone.
Key Ideas…
Boys need a “tribe” of three families to be involved in their upbringing: Primary caregivers, Extended Family (people they see daily,) Culture & Community (church, media, community figures, etc.)
God made girls and boys differently just as he intended: Boys need a lot of space to explore, boys hear better in one ear than the other, boys process and release feeling in quick bursts of energy due to testosterone, boys delay emotional reactions in order to solve problems first, and aggression (not violence) is hard wired to them. We as parents need to understand and channel these qualities in a positive way.
Boys and men need nurtured competition and goal-oriented work. Organized sports and hobbies are important for them to connect with a sacred purpose that God has for them.
A boy has a second birth into manhood (after age 10.) Adolescents need to have male mentors with whom they can honestly discuss the “shadowy/ sinful” side of self, self control, spirituality, relating to females, finding meaningful work, etc.
Action Steps…
Gurian explains the elements and techniques of healthy discipline. There are many practical tools that Gurian gives in the book. A few key discipline techniques include: demonstrate to the boy how his actions affect the world around him, redirect his aggression to inanimate objects, use a stern tone, take away toys or privileges, negotiate and provide choices when possible, make tasks and chores into “games,” and NEVER hit or use violence in discipline.
In teaching morals, values, and spirituality, we must be clear on where we stand first. Gurian explains the stages of a boy’s moral development, and how to navigate these. Stories of “heroes”(like mythology and true Bible stories) capture their attention better than lectures and are great ways to teach boys about the qualities of moral, strong, and spiritual men.
Teaching boys about sex and love requires honest conversations regarding sex, love and commitment. Boys need to know that their sexual feelings aren’t bad in and of themselves, and that God made their bodies for a sacred purpose. Male mentors can help them acknowledge these urges while also teaching self-control and respect for others.
Give boys important work from an early age. God made us to do important work in his kingdom. Work helps males feel like they belong, gives them confidence, and helps them be responsible “husbands” in society.
Statistics and Interesting Facts…
In the past couple of decades, educators, government, and media has been focusing on child rearing and education geared to females to give them equality in our society. However, research shows that we are not focusing enough of our time and resources on raising boys:
Boys are more likely to drop out of school
Females outnumber males in college and graduate school
Boys are more likely to be physically abused by a parent than girls
Boys are four times more likely to commit suicide
Miscellaneous…
Very helpful chapters focused on mother-son and father-son relationships. A couple of key lessons for mothers (especially single mothers) are: Mothers should not force sons to care for their emotional needs. Boys should be allowed to separate from mothers in their second decade of life into the world of men. Some good advice for fathers: Fathers need to make a conscious decision to be involved as fathers from conception, and they need to be self aware of their values, beliefs, and actions as role models for their sons. A personal relationship with frequent communication is vital for fathers and sons.
How this has changed my parenting…
I am more aware of the wonderful ways that God made girls and boys different. I will embrace those differences, and ask God to help us to raise our son into the man God desires him to become: A man who follows Christ, is a good husband and father, and makes a positive difference to world around him.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Christian Home, Mothers, Fathers, Parenting, Book Review, Parent Resources
29. Book Review -- To Respect and Be Respected
Book Title: Respektovat a byt respektován (To Respect and Be Respected)
Author: Pavel Kopriva, Tatjana Koprivová, Jana Nová␣ková, Dobromila Nevolová
Year of Publication: 2008
Publisher: Spirála, Kromeriz
Pages: 286
Author’s Web-site: www.zkola.cz/respektovat
Full Book Available in: Czech
You should read this book if you…
Don’t want to bring up your children in the same way you were brought up by your parents but you don’t know another way. You will learn what is not effective and how to correct ineffective ways of parenting. In addition to theory, the book gives specific guidelines for communicating with your children (and adults also).
“In a nut shell”…
The goal of this book is to convey some very valuable ideas on raising children – regardless of their age. The writers believe that in addition to love there is another necessary condition for successful parenting, which is to respect your children. If we want our children to respect other people they must first experience what it means to be respected.
Key Ideas…
- Punishment transfers the power model to different relationships and draws others into an exhausting “power game”.
- Whenever we demand obedience from our children (act as authoritarians), we are actually teaching them to not take responsibility for their actions. We don’t give them the opportunity for natural consequences.
- It isn’t possible to raise children authoritatively and then expect them to behave democratically.
- The real test of our parenting is how our children behave when we are not around.
- The correct opposite to authoritarian obedience is not disobedience or “I’ll do whatever I want”. It is responsibility, that is, not submission to another person (an authority figure), but being led by internal values. There is a big difference between “being led by what is right” and “submitting to someone just because they said so”.
- An obedient child can be a parent’s pride and joy. But when such a child, for example, becomes part of a gang, his unhappy parents say, “He/she was so nice and obedient…” Nothing has changed; the child is still obedient, but now he or she is listening to somebody else.
- An alternative to rewards in discipline is to manage the conditions for children’s actions and behavior such that they experience positive and natural consequences of their actions and behavior.
- The same principles that apply in the home can create success in a school setting. Teachers that focus on developing relationships with students, creating an emotionally safe environment and give students a voice in creating rules will achieve greater cooperation and collaboration.
Action Steps…
- Treat your children in a way that doesn’t hurt their human dignity…do not do anything to them that you would not want them to do to you.
- Try to avoid using words such as always, never, still. Avoid blaming and accusing. Be careful about how you teach, explain and moralize: You should realize that… Do not criticize or focus on mistakes: You did that wrong! When we say things like, “You’re going to send me to an early grave”, we emotionally manipulate our children. Insults and irony have a similar effect, “You’ve really made a name for yourself now!” Do not compare your child with somebody who does something better (e.g., riding a bicycle).
- Instead, take a more positive approach. Observe: I see that you . . .; explain or inform: It will help if you . . .; express expectation: I need you to . . .; give a choice: you may choose this or that . . .; encourage responsibility: what shall we do about . . .
- Do not shout. Shouting is an expression of anger and exasperation, as well as helplessness.
- When you explain a problem to your child, you can ask, “What can you/we do about it?
- What are your suggestions? What do you think? What would help you?”
- Offer more alternatives to your child. (Shall we try to make it together or shall each of us do his part?)
- Before you start to solve problems reasonably – i.e., effectively – try to calm your emotions.
- Listen to your children actively: name the emotions, intentions and expectations of the other person, express support.
- Teach your children that emotions are okay.
- Instead of ordering punishment, let the consequences of incorrect behavior fall on the child.
- Instead of praise and compliments, use feedback and appreciation.
Miscellaneous…
Rewards and praise. This is the chapter which divides parents into two camps. The theory is to recognize a task rather than giving a ‘value’ such as good, bad, etc. You apply praise/rewards or consequence based on the action. (For example, “You worked hard to get a good grade,” instead of “You’re a smart boy.”) Most of my female friends disagree with the theory written in this chapter. As for me, I am somewhere in the middle. These are new ideas for me and I am still processing the theory.
How this has changed my parenting…
For example, we have stopped calling some of our four-year old son’s behavior “naughtiness” and have started to work with it, with patience and an effort to understand. Instead of punishing and especially instead of threatening we are trying to find different ways that don’t degrade our son. Results started coming after a while (it’s important to be patient!), and we were motivated by the results.
When we are tired or just not in a good mood, it is very difficult not to slide back into demands for automatic obedience, which are in us from our childhood. I am beginning to sense, however, that the wisdom of this book is not only applicable in my role as a parent, but communication in other relationships as well. As stated by one of the authors: “If we treat the others with respect and expect respect from them…we will better value ourselves and avoid being dependent on the sentiments of others.”
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Christian Home, Mothers, Fathers, Parenting, Book Review, Parent Resources
30. Book Review -- Unplugging Power Struggles
Book Title: Unplugging Power Struggles: Resolving Emotional Battles With Your Kids
Author: Jan Faull, M.Ed
Year of Publication: 2000
Publisher: Parenting Press Inc.
Pages: 127
Author’s Web-site: http://www.raneydesign.com/janfaull
Full Book Available in: English
You should read this book if you…
Want to learn how to not get in power struggles with your kids.
“In a nut shell”…
This book deals with day to day issues parents have with children such as chores, bedtime, homework or cleaning up “power struggles.” It’s a great book: a quick and interesting read, easy to understand and to the point with many clear examples.
Key Ideas…
Giving choices
When you offer your child a choice, make sure you can live with either option.
Children must live with the responsibility of their choices. For example, your daughter may sign up for swimming, then decide she does not want to swim. It’s important for her to live with the decision until the end of the season.
Guide children through a series of choices that lead to competency. Ask questions and offer choices that will allow your child to succeed.
Power struggles you will always lose
Children are in control of many behaviors including eating, sleeping, and attitude. You can provide healthy foods, but if the child refuses to eat, you cannot force him. And, you will not be able to force your child to sleep. You cannot control a child’s attitude about a situation but you can set limits on the behavior.
Communicating unconditional love to your child
Say I love you and give hugs, back scratches and massages. Another technique is focusing on your child with good eye contact and loving looks. It is important to enter your child’s activities and follow their lead (not trying to compete or instruct the type of play). Notice when your child comes and goes in and out of a room or when he or she comes or leaves home.
Accept a child’s feelings without trying to change it
You can empathize but curb any negative behavior. For example, a child is jealous of their younger sister and pinches her. It is ok to say, “I understand you are jealous of your baby sister, but I cannot allow you to pinch her.”
Help your child out
It is good to set up responsibility, but if a child is stressed about something, for example, losing their homework, it is ok to help them find it. Use the situation as a learning experience.
Action Steps…
“When you must say no, say yes to something else.” For example, you may say no for your son to go to the park alone with a friend, but if he asks if he can cook a macaroni casserole, even though it may cause a big mess, say yes! This way, it satisfies his need for independence.
“Offer choices, negotiate, or compromise on the fly.” For example, a child does not want to wear her shoes to school. You can offer the option of picking between two pairs of shoes…if that does not work, then you can offer the option of either going to school with something on your feet or nothing at all. In the example, the daughter was a bit embarrassed being dropped off to school with no shoes on, so she quickly put them on.
“Develop an incentive program providing a choice to work, or not work, for a reward”. For example, your child wants a Lego space ship, but is not doing his chores. You can offer the space ship as a reward for doing his choices. However, an incentive program is used for a limited amount of time. Once the habit is set into a pattern, the reward system is phased out. You also need to be matter of fact on the days the child chooses not to the chore or work. You can offer a friendly reminder, but do not become emotionally involved in the child choosing not to do the work.
“Offer choices that lead to different consequences”. For example, dad wants three boys to put away their school gear when they came home. Dad would yell at them from another room to put their school stuff away. They would ignore him. Then, dad would angrily come into the room later and put their school gear away. So, dad set a rule, that the TV would remain off and the refrigerator would remain closed until the school gear was put away. He explained the rules and the reasons. The two younger boys quickly complied. The oldest was angry, but with dad being consistent, the oldest boy complied after a few days.
“Reach a compromise through formal negotiations”. Some power struggles need to go through a formal negotiation with the family members involved. The problem needs to be clearly identified, notes need to be taken, ideas need to be thought of and reviewed. And finally, the idea needs to be decided and tried.
Quotables…
“Power struggles are emotional battles between parents and children over who is in control…Your job is to teach, train, influence, to keep your children safe, healthy, teach them values, and guide them until they are old enough to guide themselves. Children, on the other hand, are included toward independence; they wish to supervise themselves. The natural tension between these two positions can result in an emotional battle of wills that is a power struggle” Pg 7.
“Parents need to strike a balance. Turning too many choices and decisions over to children becomes permissiveness. This is the “Do whatever you like” approach to parenting. It tells children you don’t have the interest or energy to care about what they do. You avoid permissiveness by holding onto control in areas of safety and health and dearly held family values…When you allow and encourage your child to make some little choices and decisions that are important to them, self esteem builds at a healthy rate” Pg 18-19.
Statistics and Interesting Facts…
Some parents in powerful positions at work think (wrongly) they can manage their kids in the same and often dictatorial way.
Parents who feel they have little power can become controlling of their physical behavior and can end up in emotional power struggles. For example, a mother who has a dominating husband may turn to dominate her children. Pg 94-94
Perfectionist parents feel the need to control behavior that deviates from the parent’s standards or point of view. For example, parents will not allow a child to wear clothes that do not match.
Parents who often have unrealistic expectations of their children’s behavior or what they can achieve can also end up in power struggles.
How this has changed my parenting…
I really enjoyed this book. It has helped me realize when I am in a power struggle. It has helped me understand why my children need control and power at times. It is good to know it is ok to hold on sometimes and at times it is ok to let go of a situation.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Christian Home, Mothers, Fathers, Parenting, Book Review, Parent Resources
31. Book Review -- What Every Mom Needs
Book Title: What Every Mom Needs
Author: Elisa Morgan and Carol Kuykendall
Year of Publication: 2006
Publisher: Zondervan
Pages: 229
Author’s Web-site: http://www.MOPS.org
Full Book Available in: English
You should read this book if you…
Have a busy life raising children and wonder how to find time to have friendships and develop as a person.
“In a nut shell”…
Mothering is an important job—it shapes our world, our families and ourselves. “If we want to be the best moms possible, we’ll learn to recognize and meet our own needs.” Pg 25 Those needs are: identity, growth, relationship, help, perspective and hope.
Key Ideas…
“We need to see ourselves as God sees us. This is our true identity…” Pg 42
“Grace means there is nothing I can do to make God love me more, and nothing I can do to make God love me less.” (Phillip Yancey, Pg 41-42)
“We need to hold on to Jesus and satisfy all of our hunger in him. Remember this when life gets busy and you begin running a mile a minute and the empty feeling starts to set in again. ‘I want this…and this…and this…’ I want you, Jesus. Fill me. Show me. Help me. Guide me.” Pg 209
The biggest thing we can do for our children is pray for them. “When we pray we join with the God of the universe who has infinitely more power than anything the world could throw at our children.” Pg 215-216
Action Steps…
Moms “need to grow as individuals, to develop their talents and abilities…as well as to strengthen their character…” Pg 62
“Seeing you interact with confidence, using innate gifts and learned skills, will encourage others to discover ways in which they can improve their own lives and relationships.” Pg 64
Establish intimacy with your husband by: (1) Asking him questions such as, what is his greatest dream in life? What three adjectives would he like others to use in describing him? (2) Listen to him, resisting the urge to critique or evaluate. Listen, accepting whatever you hear because it reflects something about the one you love. (3) Act on what you heard him say. (4) Be open to changing yourself if necessary. (5) Forgive. Holding grudges prevents intimacy.
Quotables…
“Perspective means looking beyond the moment with a view toward the whole of life.” Pg 161
“What really matters to you as a mom? A clean home or a kind heart? Your children’s habits or their values? Their appearance or their attitudes and actions?” Pg 166
“Savor the moments of this season that will never come around again. We tend to keep waiting for life to get better when, really, it just gets different. If the grass looks greener on the other side of your fence, it may be because you’re not investing your time and energy in your own grass. Live in the present.” Pg 169
Statistics and Interesting Facts…
A survey of moms revealed that their greatest needs are perspective and hope.
Miscellaneous…
The book listed some age-appropriate tasks for children that were helpful (for example, two and three year olds can help feed pets, put away toys after play, wipe the table, sweep with a small broom and fold dishtowels).
The book also listed age appropriate cleaning games for preschoolers (for example, ask your child to help you pick up all the red toys, then all the blue toys, then all the square toys, etc., sing together as you do a chore, agree to clean up for ten minutes, ask your child to make one side of the bed while you make the other side).
How this has changed my parenting…
This book encouraged me to find out what my gifts are and develop as a person, instead of putting that on hold when I stay at home with my child. Doing so will make me into a better wife and mom.
© 2011 The Family Project
Related Topics: Christian Home, Mothers, Fathers, Parenting, Book Review, Parent Resources
1. Book Review -- Age of Opportunity
Author: Paul David Tripp
Year of Publication: 1997
Publisher: P&R Publishing
Pages: 293
Author’s Web-site: http://www.paultrippministries.org
Languages: English
You should read this book if you…
Have teenagers or children that are about to be teenagers and you want to learn how to communicate with your child in a way that builds your relationship with them and encourages them to draw closer to God.
“In a nut shell”…
This book helps parents identify and deal with sin in their own life that hinders their relationship with their child and with God. Parents can then more effectively take advantage of opportunities to apply God’s word to the struggles of the teenage years and focus on the ultimate goal of parenting, helping our children have a heart for God.
Key Ideas…
The teenage years provide great opportunities to guide children. However, sin in the parent’s life keeps them from taking advantage of those opportunities. God’s plan suggests that children will learn the most fundamental principles of life in the context of family: how everything is connected to God, how to love one another, and how to go to Jesus for forgiveness for sin.
Parents need to guide their children to find their hope in Christ during the struggles of the teen years. Teenagers tend to focus on appearance, possessions and acceptance, but there is a much deeper spiritual struggle for their hearts underlying all these issues. Parents need to help teenagers identify things in the culture that have a negative influence on them, guide them in applying God’s word to specific situations, and coach them in applying wisdom to challenges they face so they develop their own personal convictions.
The ultimate goal of parenting is for our teens to develop a deep and sincere hunger to know, love and honor God. Parents should help teenagers identify areas of needed growth before they are ready to leave home. Parents need to be in constant conversation with their child that continually leads them to repentance and hope
Action Steps…
Identify the idols described in Chapter 2 that are relevant to you as a parent: comfort, respect, appreciation, success, and control.
Go to your child and confess the sins in your own heart that are hindering your relationship with them.
Take the time to find out what your child is thinking about a specific struggle they are experiencing and determine how to apply God’s word to that situation.
Read through the negative attitudes of teens in Chapter 9 (relativism, individualism, emotionalism, presentism, materialism, autonomy, and victimism) and identify the fruit you see in your child and the alternatives presented in the Bible.
How this has changed my parenting…
It is has helped me identify the sin in my own life that needed to be addressed as my children approached the teen years. It has helped me take the time to talk with my children about what they are thinking and struggling with and helped me to focus on the ultimate priority of parenting, that they will have a heart for God.
© 2014 The Family Resource Library
Related Topics: Book Review
3. Book Review -- Bringing Up Boys
Author: Dr. James Dobson
Year of Publication: 2001
Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Wheaton, Illinois
Pages: 257
Author’s Web-site: http://www.focusonthefamily.org
Languages: English, Czech
You should read this book if you…
Are the parent of a boy raising them in today’s fast paced and postmodern society.
“In a nut shell”…
Dr. Dobson writes this book with the perspective that boys are in “serious trouble today” due to several different factors in today’s fast paced and postmodern society.
He attributes the main factors to be the feminist movement, the breakdown of the family, absent and disengaged fathers, coupled with the frantic pace of life that today’s society has fostered.
In less than 20 chapters, Dr. Dobson will address the following topics: boys and girls are different; the roles of father and mother in the lives of their sons; competition; issues of homosexuality; single parenting; harried life styles; discipline; predators of boys; and boys in school.
Key Ideas…
Today’s parents of boys are shaping the next generation of men.
Boys and girls are very different and as parents we should understand those differences in relation to boys (especially three physical and biological features and processes that operate from within).
Boys are “men-in-training” and their aggressive nature prepares them for the “provision and protection” roles to come.
Fathers are essential to the life of boys especially during particularly vulnerable periods in the boys life (puberty and just after 3-5 yrs. of age).
Our objective as parents is to “transform our sons from immature youngsters to honest, caring men, respectful of women, faithful in marriage, strong leaders and men secure in their masculinity.” Pg 245
As difficult as this objective may seem, Dr. Dobson encourages parents that this can be accomplished, with the wisdom and guidance from the ultimate Father, God.
Action Steps…
Boys have the same ability to ignore their moms (as their dads do) so reach out physically and touch your boys to get their attention and give your message in short bursts.
Help boys release their excess energy by getting them involved in activities where fighting, laughing, running, tumbling, and yelling are acceptable.
Protect family mealtimes; make them a priority.
Don’t let a harried life styles take over your family life, stay close.
Quotables…
“As these stories illustrate, one of the scariest aspects of raising boys is their tendency to risk life and limb for no good reason.” Pg 4
“It is far easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Pg 60
“Your boys and girls need to see you doing what is right, even when it is inconvenient to do so.” Pg 70
“‘Letting go’ works best as a gradual process. It’s time to get started.” Pg 110
“Rules without relationships lead to rebellion.” Pg 217
“Cherish every moment and hug your kids while you can.” Pg 257
Statistics and Interesting Facts…
Prison minister Bill Glass found that among thousands of prisoners not one of them genuinely loved his dad, and 95% of those on death row hated their fathers. In 1998, statistics showed that 98.6% of prisoners are male.
The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health research found in preventing harmful behavior: The presence of parents is very beneficial at four key times of the day – early morning, after school, dinnertime, and bedtime.
Harvard Graduate School of Education professor, Dr. Catherine Snow found that dinner time was of more value to child development than playtime, school, or story time.
Note: These are all American-based studies
Miscellaneous…
Each chapter includes questions asked by real parents and answers (by Dr. Dobson) relevant to the topic at hand. Such as:
Are boys really fundamentally different from girls? If so, how?
What role does competition play in a boy’s development?
What is a father’s unique contribution to parenting a son?
What effect does today’s harried lifestyle have on boys?
What are the effects of divorce on boys?
What’s the best way to educate boys?
And many more questions….
How this has changed my parenting…
I have learned to let go and let my boys “be boys” and celebrate their differences!
© 2014 The Family Resource Library
Related Topics: Book Review
8. Book Review -- Have a New Kid by Friday
Subtitle: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days
Author: Dr. Kevin Leman
Year of Publication: 2008
Publisher: Revell
Pages: 300
Author’s Web-site: http://www.lemanbooksandvideos.com
Languages: English, Czech
You should read this book if you…
Want to develop a more consistent method of discipline and help your children accept more responsibility for the consequences of their behavior.
“In a nut shell”…
This book lays out a very specific, practical action plan to help you become a better, more consistent parent.
Key Ideas…
Your job as a parent is not to create happy kids.
In our culture, the role of accountability has decreased in a child’s life and they have been allowed to get away with less responsibility.
The parent is the key to changing the child’s thinking and actions – it requires you to be the parent you want to be.
The long term concerns of a parent include:
Attitude – You, as the parent, need to stay calm – you set the example.
Behavior – Expect good behavior, and when it doesn’t happen, ask yourself the following questions:
1) Why is he doing what he is doing?
2) How do I, the parent, feel – are my emotions and responses helping or hurting the situation?
3) Am I making something big out of something little?
Character – Character is who you are when no one is looking. Our children get this from us (parents) and life lessons. Enforce the good and deal with the negative.
Teach your children with the end in mind – how you want them to be as they mature.
There are 3 types of parents:
Permissive – one who tries to be their child’s best friend, inconsistent in parenting, never lets the child fail
Authoritarian – one who is always right, yells and threatens, gives little freedom
Authoritative – one who gives choices, let’s the child experience consequences, consistent discipline, mutual respect
The first and second type cause rebellion, the third is the middle ground where you major on the relationship and minor on all else.
Speak with respect to your children.
Kids live up to the expectations you have of them – don’t be afraid to expect a lot.
There is a difference between self-esteem (feeling good about one’s self) and self-worth.
The pillars of self-worth are:
Acceptance – children long for your unconditional acceptance – it can show through words and actions. The more acceptance from you, the less they seek to accept it from peers.
Belonging – establish a home as a place of belonging – give family members a vote, listen, support each other, have family time, eat dinner together, vacation together.
Competence – empower children by giving responsibility – they will feel proud of their accomplishments
Praise isn’t good for children – it links a child’s self-worth to what she does – how “good” a person is. Instead, you should encourage your child – emphasize the act and not the person. Praise usually sounds insincere and links their “goodness” or “smartness” with how a child does a certain task. Children need to know they are accepted no matter what they do.
Action Steps…
When asking your kids to do something,
Say it once
Turn your back
Walk away
3 main strategies for a change in behavior:
Let reality be the teacher – let nature take its course which is usually enough discipline in itself.
Learn to respond rather than react – don’t answer without thinking and don’t let your emotions get the better of you.
“B” doesn’t happen until “A” is completed – you don’t go onto the next event until you have your request completed.
Give age appropriate chores – by providing the types of experiences where children do their share and learn responsibility and accountability, you are establishing a healthy self worth.
Top 10 ways to help your kids develop into who you want them to be:
10. Be 100% consistent
9. Always follow through on what you say you will do
8. Respond, don’t react
7. Count to 10 and ask yourself “What would my old self do in this situation? What would the “new” me do?”
6. Never threaten your kids
5. Never get angry
4, Don’t give warnings
3. Ask self “Whose problem is this?”
2. Don’t think the misbehavior will go away
1. Keep a happy face on even when you want to do something else
Quotables…
“The key to changing your child is changing your attitude” Pg 39
“Every child will fail, make mistakes, and embarrass you. But you don’t need to hold those failures over your child’s head for a lifetime. Correct the behavior and move on. What is most important, in the long run, is your child’s character.” Pg 44
Miscellaneous…
To become the kind of parent you want to be, each day he gives a list of things you should do.
Monday
1. Observe what is going on in your house. What areas in your relationship with your child really bother you?
2. Think about how you’d like things to change.
3. Decide to take charge.
4. Expect great things to happen.
Tuesday
1. What is your attitude toward your kids?
2. How does your behavior reveal your attitude?
3. What changes do you need to make in your behavior toward your children?
4. What kind of character do you want to be known for? How can you get there?
Wednesday
1. What kind of parenting style do you have?
2. How does your child respond to this parenting style?
3. How can you adapt your parenting style to be more balanced?
4. In what ways can you emphasize relationship in your home?
Thursday
1. How can you show your child unconditional Acceptance?
2. How can you emphasize Belonging in your family?
3. In what way(s) can you spur your child on to Competence?
4. Think about the difference between praise and encouragement. What truly encouraging thing can you say to your child today?
Friday
1. Review the key principles
2. Identify the big issues you want to address
3. Think through how you usually respond and how you’ll respond now.
4. Get ready, get set…go!
How this has changed my parenting…
There were several things in this book that caused me to stop and think and evaluate how I was parenting. I really like the principle that “B” won’t happen until “A” is completed. Granted, that works better when “B” is something they really want to do, like going to a friend’s house. I am still trying to figure out how to incorporate that idea when “B” is something they are not motivated to do, but thinking through the natural consequences of not doing “A” is helping.
Another thing I am now doing is saying things once and then walking away. I am also learning that sometimes I need to make a request when they are not in the middle of something. Or, I make a request once and then we figure a time (in the very near future) when they can do it.
Lastly, I am really trying to work in the Encouragement vs. Praise concept. I really like the idea of encouraging the acts and the work they put into it instead of focusing on them as a person. This also teaches children to do things for their own sake and not just to please others. It draws attention to the task and effort. It really makes me stop and think about what I want to say and how I say it.
© 2014 The Family Resource Library
Related Topics: Book Review