" MINISTRY FIRST "

When we say "Ministry First", there are a number of things we mean including:

It's our purpose. Ministry is our whole purpose. Supporting the vision of Bible.org to see all people become mature followers of Jesus Christ.
It's our philosophy, our approach to the world and ministry which all Bible.org leaders, team members, partners and participants are challenged to adhere to. It is the lens through which we evaluate everything we do.
It's our goal, to say YES to any idea, opportunity or request to do ministry using the NET BIBLE and/or Bible.org resources.
It's our practice of introducing innovative methods, practices and approaches that put ministry ahead of profits
It's our passion, and be careful... it's infectious. And we pray you will desire to join with us and other like-minded individuals and organizations to seek Ministry First!

Bible.org is guided by the principle of “Ministry First.” Our translation team desires to follow the Bible’s teaching with regard to the distribution of God’s word versus the sales of printed Bibles for massive profits. The NET Bible team has reflected on the model described in Leviticus 23:22 and asked how Bible publishers ensure that they “not completely harvest the corner of their field…for the poor and the foreigner.” Our ‘crop’ is a Bible translation. Even though some for-profit Bible publishers have allowed Bible societies to print and give away millions of Bibles, the amount of funds available to all Bible societies and publishers in all of history does not come close to being able to actually give a free printed Bible to all of the two billion people who have some ability to read English. This is why we feel so strongly that the NET Bible must not only be available for viewing on the Internet, but also for free downloading and use by everyone, worldwide, for free, forever. It is a cornerstone and guiding principle of our ministry. This approach helps us come closer to fulfilling the Great Commission of Matthew 28:19-20 by allowing all people of all nations on earth to learn what God has revealed in his word for them to understand and obey. Learning and following the Bible’s instructions must apply to Bible translators and publishers as well as Bible students. This is why we offer the NET Bible for free to the world – because we desire to offer Bibles and Bible study resources for free to those who cannot afford to pay for them. Now you know why the NET Bible is available for download and use in Bible studies free to all people, everywhere. These are exciting times, and while we are honored to have been the first modern English translation to do this, we are pleased to see that many other modern English translations are now posted on the Internet for free use as well. As a pioneer in this space, the NET Bible goes beyond just offering free online use and actually offers people around the world the ability to obtain a free download of the entire NET Bible in a popular word processing format as well as a searchable electronic NET Bible for free so that you can easily study for yourself and then write study materials quoting the NET Bible for use by others. We call this a “Ministry First” model, where ministry always takes priority.

We still don’t fully like the copyright notice for the NET Bible, but in our litigious world it remains a challenge. The reason for this dilemma is that we stand at the beginning of a new era made possible by the Internet. New approaches to ministry, publishing, distribution, and collaboration are made possible by the Internet. When the first Bibles and books began to be printed rather than copied by hand, new issues emerged (plagiarism, author’s rights, freedom of the press versus censorship, copyright laws, etc.). It is now time to recognize that the copyright and permissions conventions carried over from printed books must now be upgraded for the Internet age. The innovations will create new opportunities for ministry while also providing new opportunities for authors to support themselves. We believe that 1 Tim 5:17-18 (the author has the right to be paid) and Lev 23:22 (allow the poor and foreigner free access) can be simultaneously satisfied far better with a new Internet model.

The Problem: It’s difficult to quote a modern Bible translation legally

Bible.org’s ministry objective is to be used by God to mature Christians worldwide. To accomplish this we needed to quote a modern Bible translation in the production of thousands of trustworthy Bible Study resources that could be offered on the Internet for free. We predicted in 1995 that the number of Bible verses quoted in these studies would soon surpass available legal permission limits. We tried for a year, but could not obtain the necessary permissions. Lack of a legal ability to quote the Bible online makes online Bible studies impossible and threatened Bible.org’s “Ministry First” model. Quite simply the only way we could secure permission to quote a modern Bible was to sponsor a new translation – the NET Bible. We now want to ensure that other ministries and authors don’t experience the same roadblocks. The NET Bible is not just for Bible.org, but for everyone.

You may ask (as we have): “Why not just make the NET Bible public domain? Wouldn’t that solve the problem?” It does solve the permission problem but stifles ministry another way. When a publisher prints a public domain KJV they pay no royalties to anyone, but they still make millions of dollars in revenue – and don’t have to spend any of that money on ministry or charity. We didn’t create the NET Bible to save royalties for such publishers. We think a better approach is to leverage copyright laws to ensure that anyone selling NET Bibles must support ministry.

How we intend to solve the problem

The first major step was taken 10 years ago when we posted the NET Bible on the Internet when no other major modern English Bible translations had done so. The other major Bible translations partially followed suit – all of them are now viewable on the Internet – but after 10 years, the NET Bible is still the only major modern translation that can be downloaded for free in its entirety and used seamlessly in presentations and documents.

We think it is time to take a few more steps. NET Bible study software will now be offered free to allow those who can’t afford Bible study tools to search the Bible electronically. We also will remove an important barrier for teachers, pastors, authors, and students of the Bible who plan to write and distribute their studies. Bible copyright policies typically require special permission before Internet posting, writing commentaries, allowing mission organizations to translate works into other languages, or when quotations exceed some verse limit. The result is that an author is forced to delay writing until permission is granted, use an old public domain text, or proceed illegally in order to serve missions. Other authors have found that a valuable work is simply not publishable because they lack permission for the Bible translation quoted in it. We want all authors to know that the NET Bible is a safe choice. We intend to make quoting the NET Bible easy for both commercial publications and ministry by making the vast majority of requests covered by an automatic “yes.” This new copyright permission policy, when implemented, will result in many more works being created for charitable use and Internet distribution. A second major historical reason used to justify prior written approval of papers, books, and commentaries quoting Bibles is to ensure that nothing embarrassing is written using a copyrighted Bible. We’d rather risk embarrassment than hamper thousands of worthwhile projects. We’ll let the Internet community label the rare bad works and bad authors. We’d rather remove barriers so that the other 99.9% of Christian authors can be more productive. We solicit your ideas for an optimal solution for Bible quotations in the Internet age.

Characteristics of a good solution

By making permissions easier, it becomes far easier to post, share, and publish works which quote the Bible.
It should be easy to say “yes” to all requests to quote and use the NET Bible (both charitable and commercial use).
The “yes” should be automatic for the vast majority of requests, so our organization gets out of the way of ministries, teachers, pastors, and authors. We don’t want them to delay before authoring, sharing, and implementing the Great Commission of Matt 28:19 – and we don’t want their works which quote the Bible to be held hostage based on copyright permissions.
Incentives should be offered to authors who are willing to share their works for free, (even when they also sell books and software versions of the same title for income) while authors who only offer their works for sale should pay customary royalties. This encourages greater participation in the “ministry first” model.

It is time for ministry to be more free – and for a Bible which puts ministry first. The best way to encourage ministry is to give people the tools they need and remove barriers which encumber their work. Let us know how we can better serve your needs.

2. Book Review -- Boundaries with Kids

Book Title: Boundaries with Kids

Author: Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Year of Publication: 2001

Publisher: Zondervan

Pages: 224

Author’s Web-site: http://www.cloudtownsend.com

Full Book Available in: English, Czech

You should read this book if you…

Want to provide your children with a safe environment to learn right from wrong, danger from safety, good from better and life from death. The book also helps you teach your children to take responsibility and develop character

“In a nut shell”…

The book explains how to set boundaries with your children and instill the kind of character in your children that will help them lead balanced, productive, and fulfilling adult lives.

Key Ideas…

When you set boundaries for your child, he actually feels more loved and secure, not less. Part of the difficulty of parenting is tolerating and enduring your child’s hatred of your boundaries. Your child will test your resolve so he can learn about reality. Your job is to withstand the test, including anger, pouting, tantrums, etc.

It is important to teach the lesson of consequences to your child. Don’t get emotional or nag. Empathize with the child, but make sure the behavior costs the child the opportunity to do something that she valued.

Make consequences the natural outflow of the crime. If child is always late for dinner, he may have to miss dinner. Always follow through on promised consequences.

Save consequences for serious offenses. Should be for behavior that is in danger of becoming a bad character pattern.

Give immediate consequences.

Talk to your child about misbehavior at a time when child is not misbehaving.

Make honesty the norm in your family’s daily life and set strong limits on dishonesty.

You want your child to develop a desire to do the right things and to avoid the wrong ones because of love for others and God.

Help child see that life isn’t about avoiding pain. Life isn’t about avoiding suffering, but about learning to suffer well.

Action Steps…

Identify character qualities that you want your children to have as adults, and help them begin developing those qualities now (when they are young). Example of qualities to develop: loving, responsible, respectful of authority, initiating (the ability to begin things), growing, oriented to Biblical truth, order life around God.

Always combine love with limits.

When you present boundaries to your child:

State the issue in specific terms.

Make your expectations clear.

Write down what will happen when child doesn’t meet your expectations—lose privileges, etc. The punishment should fit the crime. For example, if your child is perpetually late for dinner, he may miss eating it one night. If your daughter doesn’t do her chores around the house, she may lose a privilege the rest of the family gets. If she begins working on a school project at the last minute, she may get a bad grade. Set up positive consequences for success in meeting expectations.

Quotables…

“Honesty begins with parents who model it, require it from their children, and provide them with a safe environment in which to be honest. By and large, all children hide the truth when it threatens them. So parents need to create a context in which a child’s natural tendency to hide can be overcome. This requires a delicate balance between safety and standards.” Pg 34

“Give freedom, require responsibility, render consequences and be loving throughout.” Pg 65

“Give a person grace (unmerited favor) and truth (structure), and do that over time, and you have the greatest chance of this person growing into a person of good character. Grace includes support, resources, love, compassion, forgiveness, and all of the relational sides of God’s nature. Truth is the structure of life; it tells us how we are supposed to live our lives and how life really works.” Pg 67-68

Miscellaneous…

If you have a conflict with your child, be kind and loving, but remain strong enough to let them know that their feelings haven’t driven you away. Leave your pride somewhere else. After the conflict, bond with your child. Let your child know that your relationship is more important than this conflict. Your love will remain after this conflict is past.

The solution for entitlement (thinking you deserve something) is humility. Your child needs to know that, while he has legitimate needs, he isn’t entitled to anything.

Keep the limit and empathize with how the child is feeling—love and limits. If you don’t let your own anger, shame or justification get in the way, the limit becomes the adversary, not Mom. Empathy keeps you out of a power struggle with the child.

How this has changed my parenting…

Part of the challenge of parenting is tolerating and enduring your child’s hatred of your boundaries. Your child will test your resolve so he can learn about reality. You must withstand the test, including anger, pouting, tantrums, etc. I tend to be over-sensitive and take things personally, so this was a good lesson for me to separate my emotions and stick to my boundaries.

When children make bad choices, empathize with their loss. Ex: that’s sad not getting to play today. I know. I feel for you missing the game. I hate it when I don’t get to do something I want. I bet you are hungry. I hate missing a meal too. It is important to empathize and stick with your boundaries at the same time—this keeps you close to your child in the midst of discipline.

Give rewards for: acquiring new skills and performing exceptionally. Ok to reward 2-year old for potty training. Do not give rewards for: doing the age-appropriate requirements (such as living skills) and doing what is expected (such as work). I thought this was an important point because so often children get rewarded for doing things they should be doing anyway. This taught me to only reward in certain circumstances. Otherwise, the child may develop a nature of entitlement.

Don’t give the child the impression that you love her perfect, performing parts more than you do her mediocre, stumbling parts. I tend to be a perfectionist and hard on myself, and do not want to translate that to parenting! This point will be useful as my children try things and fail—if I let them know I love them just as much then as when they do something well, they won’t be afraid to try new things.

Follow up on promised consequences. It is so easy not to follow through when my child looks at me with tear-filled eyes, but I have to remember that it won’t help him if I don’t stick with the original consequences.

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4. Book Review -- Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down

Book Title: Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down

Author: Dr. Kevin Leman

Year of Publication: 1995

Publisher: Thomas Nelson Publishers

Pages: 353

Author’s Web-site: http://www.lemanbooksandvideos.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Want to learn how to give your children a good self-image in order to help raise confident, capable and responsible young adults.

“In a nut shell”…

Dr. Leman explains how important it is to give your children a good self-image. He describes it as giving your children self-esteem insurance. He gives examples on how to develop a positive relationship with your kids while handling discipline, responsibility, praise and many other parenting skills.

Key Ideas…

A healthy self-image doesn’t breed selfishness or arrogance. In fact, it prevents it. A healthy self-image breeds confident, self-respecting children that are not conceited or arrogant. As parents, it is our responsibility to find a way to give our children a good self-image by the way we encourage, discipline, listen, respect and respond to our children. We must find a discipline system that is neither authoritarian nor permissive.

Most children have two basic needs: I am lovable and I am worthwhile.

Children’s self-images have a direct effect on their behavior, good or bad. All behavior has a purpose and when children misbehave they have one of four goals in mind:

gaining attention

using power to control

avoiding pressure and expectations by appearing to be inadequate

seeking revenge

All children are born as attention-getters. How you respond to their attempts to get attention has a direct correlation on whether their attention-getting behavior will be negative or positive. Don’t overreact to what your child says or does, and try to show interest without putting on pressure.

Action Steps…

The aspects of a healthy self-image are acceptance and affirmation, belonging and competence. Children who feel accepted and affirmed know that they are lovable and that mom and dad care about them. This is done through encouraging, hugging, and spending time with your children. A feeling of belonging is one of the earliest building blocks in anyone’s self-image. The best way to develop this feeling for your children is to make them feel like they belong to your family. When a child feels he belongs, he tells himself, “I am worth something. I’m important. I fit in.” This will also help your child deal with the inevitable rejection he will face at some point out in the world. Children with a good self-image are capable and they tell themselves, “I can do it!” Being able to do something and achieve something, no matter how small, makes you feel worthwhile.

Six Basic Rules for a Functional Family:

Be firm but fair

Ask – and give – respect

Learn from mistakes

What you see is what you get

Real love includes limits

Walk, don’t just talk, your values

The Golden Rule of Parenting: Treat your kids as you would want to be treated.

There must be a balance between love and limits. Loving your children does not mean giving them everything they want or doing everything for them.

Six Principles of Reality Discipline:

You are in healthy authority over your kids

Hold children accountable for their actions

Let reality be the teacher

Use action, not words

Stick to your guns

Relationships come before rules

You can’t teach your children to be responsible; you give your children responsibility and let them learn how to handle it.

Quotables…

Dr. Dinkmeyer says, “A child who sees himself as worthwhile and useful has no need to develop destructive patterns. He does not turn to drugs and rebellion. He possesses a cooperative spirit, a sense of responsibility, and positive attitudes towards his family. His relationship with his parents is one of mutual trust and respect.” Pg 5

When you begin to determine your system of disciple, the firm but fair approach allows for a lot of flexibility and the freedom to fail. Children have the freedom to think, ask questions and disagree with parents. They have the freedom to feel angry, frustrated, sad, afraid and can express their feelings in an appropriate way. For example, the firm but fair approach acknowledges the child’s anger and then works out a way for them to express that anger in a nondestructive or nonabusive way. “If you want to scream, you’ll just have to do it in your room. When you calm down, you can rejoin the rest of us and we can talk about it.” Pg 54

To raise children without sound values, beliefs, and morals is to raise children who don’t know what they believe or who they are – both of which are vital parts of a good self-image. Pg 63

There is no better builder of self-image and a sense of self-worth than to know that you are the handiwork of an all-powerful Creator – that you are somebody, not an “it” or an accident. Pg 66

If parents are not willing to take a stand and teach their children such eternal values as morality, where will our children learn them?

How this has changed my parenting…

It is so easy to get wrapped up in the daily tasks of raising children, that I find myself simply going through the motions many days. This book has helped me realize that I have to make a conscious effort to give my kids a positive self-esteem through the way I parent each of them. I am much more mindful about encouraging my children to complete tasks themselves so they can experience the feeling of accomplishment. I spend more time just hugging and loving my children unconditionally. I think about other specific ways that I can improve my children’s self-image throughout the day.

Related Topics: Parent Resources, Christian Home, Fathers, Mothers, Parenting

5. Book Review -- Creative Correction

Book Title: Creative Correction

Author: Lisa Whelchel

Year of Publication: 2000

Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers

Pages: 320

Author’s Web-site: http://www.creativecorrection.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Are out of ideas on how to discipline your child and need a fresh perspective.

“In a nut shell”…

This book gives you many different ways to help correct your children as well as provide certain tools like Bible verses and games to help equip you and your child.

Rewarding Extra-Good Behavior: Get a pickle jar, clean it out, and call it the “Pickle a Privilege” jar. Fill it up with little slips of paper with a variety of fun, extra-special privileges written on them. A few examples are, going to a movie, having a pillow fight, having a soda pop with dinner, etc.

Motivational Rewards: Make a sticker charts with about 20 squares. Give the child a sticker each time they do a good deed. Give the child a prize once the chart is complete.

Bible Verses as Models for Good Behavior:

Proverbs 24:3-4 – “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled and with rare and beautiful treasures.” – When your child receives good grades, reward him by allowing him to buy a decoration for his bedroom.

Proverbs1:8-9 – “Listen my son [daughter] to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. They will b garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.” – When your daughter chooses to obey you rather than go her own way, reward her with the necklace.

Key Ideas…

Every child is unique and may require a different way of correction. Lisa Whelchel provides insight into her own home and how she handles certain situations such as sibling rivalry and lying. She also provides the tools on how to handle specific situations in her “Toolbox” section. Here are a few examples that the author provided in her “Toolbox” section:

Sibling Conflict: If one child breaks the other child’s toy. The child whose toy was broken may choose from any of their sibling’s toy to replace it.

Sibling Conflict: Hugs, even forced ones are good at breaking down barriers.

Sibling Conflict: If you overhear your children arguing, step close enough to let them know you’re listening. Say that you will give them a few more minutes to work it out on their own. If they aren’t able to do this, however, you will work the problem out for them, and it probably won’t be fun for either child.

Lying: Make a contract with your child and establish a reasonable punishment for lying and then sign and date the document. Whenever a situation comes up that would invite lying, simply remind your child of the contract. Knowing that you will follow through on the penalty may be the extra incentive your child needs to choose to tell the truth.

Action Steps…

Evaluate your priorities – What is our true goal of parenting?

Children respond well to consistency and routine.

Don’t say your going to do anything you can’t carry out. If you’ve established boundaries ahead of time and consequences for crossing them, be prepared to follow through.

Quotables…

“When deciding what punishment to use, be careful with your child’s feelings. It’s a delicate balance between reaching the heart and bruising it.” Pg 137

“Developing a big-picture approach to parenting is more than simply pruning our children’s negative traits. We must also help our kids to develop positive qualities that will constitute their strengths when they are teenagers.” Pg 99

“When getting to the heart of obedience, we also need to instruct our children to be mindful of how their words and actions affect others.” Pg 64

“Be careful not to expect too much from a new pair of shoes: They’re fun to try on, even more fun when they fit, but you won’t know whether they’re truly right for you until you walk in them for a while.” Pg 332

“Fortunately, correction doesn’t always have to involve tears.” Pg 138

Miscellaneous…

Tips on handling a tantrum:

Slamming the door when angry: Have the child open and close the door calmly and completely 100 times.

Throwing fits: Tell your child to go to their room to continue the fit. The child isn’t allowed to come out until they are finished.

Forgetting to put things away: Next time your child “forgets” to put something away, tell him that he’ll just have to look for it.

How this has changed my parenting…

Often times I have felt that I have tried every type of correction for my children without much success. This book has given me several different tools to implement at home. This book has taught me that family is important and need to work together not to fight with each other while providing creative ideas to instill lessons in my children.

6. Book Review -- Don't Make Me Count to Three

Book Title: Don't Make Me Count to Three

Author: Ginger Plowman

Year of Publication: 2003

Publisher: Shepherd Press

Pages: 151

Author’s Web-site: http://www.gingerplowman.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Need help handling your child’s disobedience by reaching the heart. The author uses real-life examples of disobedience and how to handle them in a practical and Biblical way.

“In a nut shell”…

The book sets forth a heart-centered approach to discipline and explains how to use the Bible to encourage and reprove your children.

Key Ideas…

If we work on changing our children’s behavior rather than what is on the inside, we will cause our children to become manipulators. They will learn to please us by doing what we tell them to do out of a fear of punishment, but they will not learn to live the way God tells them to live.

If we are to really help our children, we must work backward from the behavior to uncover the attitudes of the heart that drive behavior.

Rather than just telling your child what he did wrong and what he should do about it, we must ask thought-provoking questions.

“It is important to rebuke our children when they do wrong, but it is equally important, if not more important, to walk them through what is right”. Pg 47

Teach your children what the Bible says about their difficulties at the moment of disobedience. Don’t just tell your child what he did wrong and what he should be doing. Also have him go back and actually do it. Ask him what he could have done that would have been a better response.

Action Steps…

“For helping them discern the matters of their hearts, there are three issues to walk them through. What was the nature of the temptation? Was it anger, idolatry, envy? Was it selfish or contentious? How did he or she respond to the temptation? What was wrong with the way she responded? What other ways could he have responded that would have been better?” Pg 44-45

One very effective tool in training children how to put what they have learned into practice is role-playing.

Take time alone with each child each night. Don’t be in a hurry. Don’t spend that time instructing, but simply sit on his bed and listen to anything he chooses to talk about. After he falls asleep, go back into his room and pray for God to touch his heart.

Before correcting your child, “Examine your motives. Am I doing this because my will or God’s will have been violated? Am I correcting my child because he has sinned against God or because his behavior has caused me some personal discomfort, embarrassment, or trouble?” Pg 85

“We should expect instant obedience from our children. Teach them that God wants them to obey ‘all the way, right away, and with a happy heart.’” Pg 117

Don’t discipline your child if he has an accident (unless the accident occurred as a result of the child being disobedient).

“Ask your children how you can pray for them. Pray out loud with them. Pray often. Pray conversationally . . . everywhere so your child realizes his Heavenly Father is always available. Pray about little things like a lost toy as well as big things. Tell them of God’s faithfulness in answering your prayers on their behalf.” Pg 151

Quotables…

“If we could view all of their sinful behaviors as precious opportunities to teach them then we would be far more righteous in our training. We would be joyful and eager all the time rather than angry and frustrated.” Pg 70

“Children should be taught to obey because it is right and because it pleases God, not to get a reward. Giving them a reward in order to get them to obey encourages them in selfishness.” Pg 101

In discipline, “[y]our motive should not be revenge but love. It should be to drive out the foolishness from the child’s heart. Discipline shouldn’t be an ‘I’ll show you!’ mentality or a ‘Boy, your’re gonna get it now!’ It should be, ‘I love you too much to allow this sin to take root in your heart and grow.’”

Miscellaneous…

You should never discipline your child without telling him exactly what he did wrong and what he can do to correct it.

When correcting your child for misbehavior, speak to him in a normal tone of voice.

Never warn your child or tell him to do something without following it through.

“When training is done properly, it should always end on a positive note. A child who directly disobeys mom in the grocery store should not be yelled at or have to ride home with an angry mom. This sort of discipline sends the negative message, ‘I am not pleased with you.’ Our desire should be for the child to ponder what he could have done right rather than what he did wrong.” Pg 105

Don’t expect your child to do something right after just telling him once. You must get them to practice the correct behavior, with the right attitude, for the right reason.

When your child disobeys, don’t look at it as a hopeless failure. See it as an opportunity to teach obedience so that the sin does not take root in his heart.

How this has changed my parenting…

It provided many helpful practical examples of how to handle issues of misbehavior by asking my child good questions that help him realize what he did wrong, why it was wrong, and what he should have done in that situation.

I think it is easy to get frustrated when our children misbehave because it seems to happen so often. This book reminded me that misbehavior is an opportunity to show my child the right thing to do, which will help develop his character in a positive way.

Instead of just telling my child what to do and what not to do, I have been encouraged by this book to help him walk through correct behavior so he knows what it looks like, rather than just hearing me say words about it.

7. Book Review -- Grace Based Parenting

Book Title: Grace Based Parenting

Author: Dr. Tim Kimmel

Year of Publication: 2004

Publisher: Thomas Nelson

Pages: 230

Author’s Web-site: http://www.familymatters.net

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Are frustrated and discouraged in your parenting and looking for grace and hope for yourself and your children.

“In a nut shell”…

We all need grace. Not one of us is perfect, and if we maintain perfection as our standard for our parenting or for our children, we will miss the joys along the way as they grow up. In addition, they are likely to grow up bitter and resentful toward us and our traditions and beliefs, the very things we most want them to value.

Key Ideas…

Children are born with three driving inner needs: A need for security, a need for significance, and a need for strength

A grace-based parent meets these needs by giving her children three valuable gifts: love, purpose, and hope.

Secure Love: Children feel secure when they know they are accepted as they are; when they know they are affiliated with a loving and honoring family; and when they receive regular and generous helpings of affection.

Significant Purpose: Children feel significant when they are regularly affirmed; when they know they have our attention; and when they are gracefully admonished.

Strong Hope: Children develop a strong hope when they know their parents recognize their God-given abilities and liabilities and turn them into assets for their future; when their parents lead them and encourage them to live a great spiritual adventure; and when their parents help them turn their childhood into a series of positive accomplishments.

In grace-based families, children are given:

The freedom to be different: “unique,” “weird,” “bizarre,” “strange,” “goofy,” and “quirky.”

The freedom to be vulnerable: Don’t overreact, under react, or dismiss children’s immature emotions such as vast mood swings, vain imaginations, and inordinate fears.

The freedom to be candid: “Grace-based families create respectful ways for children to voice these frustrations with their parents”. Pg 203

The freedom to make mistakes: Respond rather than react. Don’t avoid the consequences. Discipline using the methods that are most effective and align well with you.

Action Steps…

Instill a secure love in your child

Develop a significant purpose in your child (general, specific, relational, and spiritual)

Build strong hope in your child

Allow your child to be different

Allow your child to be vulnerable

Allow your child to be candid

Allow your child to make mistakes

Do it all in a grace-based setting!

Quotables…

“Strident voices tell parents that if they don’t feed their children certain ways, or discipline them certain ways, or educate them certain ways, then they are setting their children up for certain doom… It’s one thing to offer these additional suggestions in these areas, but its another thing to turn these suggestions into the only way to effectively parent children.” Pg 8

“[Grace-based parents] are especially graceful when their children are hardest to love. Their advice to their children would be a mixture of: “You are a gift from God; go make a difference.” and “You may struggle doing the right thing sometimes, but you’re forgiven.” Pg 19

“Rules not tempered by grace block relationships with our children and lead to rebellion. On the other side, relationships without rules don’t result in grace either.” Pg 37

“Grace-based parenting works from the inside out. Fear-based parenting works from the outside in.” Pg 133

How this has changed my parenting…

I’m not afraid to parent anymore! Several years ago as a new mother I read two or three parenting books that left me feeling like if I made a single mistake I would ruin my child’s life. I began to think that every choice I made about when and what she ate, how she played, when she slept, etc. was molding her character forever. The problem was, different “experts” had different ideas of what the “right” methods were for raising children. I became so frustrated and overwhelmed that I stopped reading parenting books, until recently when a friend recommended Grace Based Parenting.

In Grace Based Parenting Dr. Kimmel takes an entirely different approach. Rather than prescribing a formula for raising perfect kids, Dr. Kimmel focuses on the bottom line of parenting—grace (unmerited favor; undeserved kindness). And in doing so, he discusses not just our children’s need for grace, but our need for grace as parents, too. In this way, the focus shifts from trying to be perfect parents raising perfect kids to being grace-based parents who put a priority on meeting the inner needs of their children.

Taking this new approach, I have a new appreciation for each of my children as unique and inherently valuable gifts from God. Each one is different and requires special nurturing, attention, affirmation, guidance and even discipline—all provided in an environment of grace. We are free to enjoy our differences and learn from our mistakes. I understand now that God’s grace in my life and in theirs is big enough to cover our faults and failures. The new freedom this understanding gives me in my parenting allows my children to grow deeper in their faith in God because they see His grace being worked out in our day to day lives.

10. Book Review -- How Children Raise Parents

Book Title: How Children Raise Parents

Author: Dan B. Allender, Ph.D.

Year of Publication: 2003

Publisher: WaterBook Press

Pages: 217

Author’s Website: http://www.thepathlesschosen.com

Full book available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Feel like good parenting is impossible or if you desire to break ineffective parenting patterns.

In a nutshell…

Our children will grow us up as we grow them up.

Key ideas…

Parents put their confidence in rules and principles and apply themselves to doing everything right. But methods will not give your children what they most desire: to know they are unique, deeply loved, and delighted in by you and by God.

Action steps…

Acknowledge that your children will actually teach you more than you will them.Be grateful for your children and the maturity you will gain. Embrace this time, accept your own inadequacy, and truly listen to your children’s voices.

Instead of always seeking to apply rules to our children, navigate difficult areas by reading your child. Each of your children will require your flexibility as you address their unique struggles.

Maturity cannot happen without trial. Understanding that our suffering will be a guiding factor in life, we can teach our kids by honestly demonstrating our struggles. Beware of the drive to produce counterfeit joy as a way to success or passing on the belief that the highest values in life are happiness and productivity.

We cannot cling to the false idea that the right influences will ensure positive results. We must instead engage our children at a level that gives them a glimpse of God’s character, especially his mercy and his strength.

All children inherently ask two questions: “Am I loved?” and “Can I get my own way?” We cannot answer appropriately without the knowledge of the answers for ourselves. If you look to God, He answers, “Yes, you are loved more than you can ever fathom” and “No, you can’t have your way. But as you pursue my way, you will find the deepest satisfaction your heart can ever know.” (Many of our children’s fits and rages have one of these questions at its core and we must shed all distractions and listen.)

The author links our children’s two core questions, “Can I get my own way?” and “Am I loved?”, with the most common parent responses. These responses include being dangerous and demeaning, rule-bound and dull, indulgent and distant, or showing strength and delight. Mr. Allender emphasizes that showing a strength and delight response will most benefit your child.

Drowning out the voices of our children, are other well meaning voices of our parents, media, school, church and friends. Many conjure up our own unresolved hurts as well as darken gratitude and joy. We must engage our children without feeling pressured to repair our past.

We cannot always apply quick fix rules to parenting. We must find a way to accept the mystery of opposing forces as demonstrated by God: intimacy and individualism, strength and mercy. Even in our imminent failure to live out God’s character, we encounter His tenderness and therefore model our only hope as turning all eyes to the only One who can love us perfectly.

By dwelling in the deeper reality of God’s grace, His character begins to provide the framework of safety and freedom. It is in this true security that our children will have the ability to rest boldly and play restfully.

Playing with your children gives them the skills, character, and context for living out their God-given calling. The process of playing well together is more important than the task or the outcome.

Quotables…

“One problem is that we are too child driven. We spend too much money and time on child-oriented things that compete with the simple and profound appreciation we should feel for our child. In turn, the money and time we spend dragging kids to [various activities] and a legion of other devilish opportunities fuels a child’s sense of entitlement and a parent’s feelings that his child is an excessive drain on energy, time, and money.” Pg 7

“We need to create something entirely new from the raw materials our parents gave us. Our children live in a different world, and we have to listen to their voice if we are to learn how to parent them well.” Pg 69

Miscellaneous…

While the author does not offer step by step solutions, he shared that his parental default mode is to state the obvious. For example, his teenage daughter was crying and he knocked on her door, “I heard tears. The door was closed. You are now not crying, but frowning. I know privacy is more important to you than food. You are now grimacing, and your lower lip is jutting out farther than your nose.” This ultimately turned the tide. I have tried this with my 4 year old son and it usually ends up with him smiling and being more receptive.

How this has changed my parenting…

Dan’s honesty regarding his own failures is rattling and refreshing. It compels me to humbly seek God’s help as I learn so much more about His love and mercy for me. There are many more stories and anecdotes in the book.

11. Book Review -- How to Be a Happy, Healthy Family

Book Title: How to be a Happy, Healthy Family

Author: Jim Burns, PH.D.

Year of Publication: 2001

Publisher: Word Publishing

Pages: 188

Author’s Web-site: http://www.youthbuilders.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Want to raise your children to be more secure and have a lasting legacy of love and health passed on to the next generation. This book will encourage you that there is no “perfect” method for parenting and most parents are doing a very adequate job of parenting and just don’t know it.

“In a nut shell”…

There are 10 principles of families that succeed. 1. Being there for your family, 2. Express affection, warmth and encouragement, 3. Build health morals and values, 4. Discipline with consistency, 5. Ruthlessly eliminate stress, 6. Communicate is the key, 7. Play is necessary for close-knit family, 8. Love your spouse, 9. The best things in life are not things, 10. Energize your family’s spiritual growth.

Key Ideas…

Parent with Affirmation, warmth and encouragement = A.W.E. We still discipline our children, but we remove shaming our children into making the right decisions. Communication is Key – It is more about the interaction than the outcome, which comes from a good relationship not the content of what is said. Parents must always have honesty and integrity when they communicate with their kids.

Play, humor and fun are essential to happy healthy families. When we play together it gives us a deeper since of belonging and community. Parents must proactively work to make this a key goal for the family.

Loving your spouse and putting them before your children is the optimum factor for rearing secure children. Your greatest family investment may be your marriage.

Finances can consume a family, so you have to be careful and not make money your goal for success in life. You have to learn to spend less than you make, live within a budget, stay out of debt and delay gratification for wants. We have to be faithful stewards of our resources and realize that God owns everything and he just lends us stuff to enjoy.

The best way to discipline is with consistency. The goal with discipline is to teach your children to be responsible not just obey. We don’t want to control our children. We want to influence them with our own behavior.

We have to ruthlessly eliminate stress in our families to have a happy and healthy family. We all need to regain some margin space in our schedules to give us some breathing room, so we don’t become over committed and live a crisis-mode life. Crisis mode living that comes from too many activities is very dangerous and it paralyzes families. Your relationships will suffer from this type of living and everyone will become relationship starved.

Spending time with God is a key to being a good parent and living a lasting legacy. Pray with your spouse for your family and it will help you see the real priorities in your life and the things that are most important. Focus on your family’s spiritual life by having devotional times together, praying together and making a family constitution. A family constitution is a written list of your family’s desires, values and what your family stands for.

Action Steps…

Every six months, parents should plan a day away from your normal schedule and take an extended time to focus on each of your children. You need to examine the areas of your children’s lives where you need to be present. Be aware of cultural influences and make an agenda for the next 6 months for developing your child’s moral, relationship/friendship, health and spiritual growth.

Keep communications lines open by taking the time to talk and the time to listen on a daily basis.

Ruthlessly cut back on your family’s activities to make life more manageable and make more time for relationships instead of busyness.

Be consistent in your discipline and don’t be hard on yourself when you mess up.

Quotables…

“Many times parents look for the latest fad to become a close-knit family. Yet the answer is simple and right in front of them. It’s investing our time and energy and commitment to be there for our children. The result is hope and security for all.” Pg 12

“As most experts on the family will say, a family that prays together stays together. But I would add that a family who consciously plays together will also be much more happy and healthy.” Pg 122

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

“If you let children start dating at the age of 12 they will have a 91% chance of having sex before graduation (age 18). If you wait until the age of 16 to let them start dating the percent goes down to only 20%.” Pg 39

Miscellaneous…

The author, Jim Burns is a Christian Psychologist who has worked with many families who are in crisis. The media tends to focus on all the negatives when it comes to families and children, but there are thousands upon thousands of families around the world that are thriving and working positively through their issues.

How this has changed my parenting…

This book has really helped me to simplify our family’s life. I always desired a simpler, less chaotic life, but felt like we had to do everything everyone else was doing. This book gave me permission to stop and do what’s best for my family and not try to do everything. We are all so much more peaceful and happy with less activity and more down time to enjoy each other business. Relationships are more important than what you are doing at given moment.

12. Book Review -- Love and Logic: Magic for Early Childhood

Book Title: Love and Logic: Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years

Author: Jim Fay & Charles Fay, Ph.D.

Year of Publication: 2000

Publisher: Love and Logic Institute, Inc.

Pages:165

Author’s Web-site:http://www.loveandlogic.com

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Have a child of pre-school age and want to learn how to parent in a constructive and loving way.

“In a nut shell”…

Raise a child who feels good about him- or herself

Develop a strong bond of love and trust with your child

Allow your child to make plenty of mistakes and learn from them at an early age

Give your child plenty of practice in thinking and solving problems

Key Ideas…

The first six years of a child’s life are crucial to their cognitive, emotional and behavioral development. Parents can provide the essential information to their children by using the four basic Love and Logic ingredients:

(1) Build the self concept – Self-concept equals behavior. When kids feel good about themselves, the odds go up in favor of their behaving well. We show our kids that we can handle them without breaking a sweat and that translates to kids thinking, “If my parent can handle me that easily, I must be okay!” When you replace anger and frustration with soft words and powerful yet kind actions, it builds a child’s self concept.

(2) Share the control – Give choices to children regarding the things that do not cause a problem for others and are set within firm limits to empower them and give them a feeling of control. For example, the parent can “deposit” control into the child’s “control bank” by giving choices to innocuous questions like, “Would you like milk or juice with breakfast?” Make a list of choices you can give your kids. The key to sharing control is ensuring the choices you give are satisfactory to you the parent and that you can deliver on whichever choice is picked. Giving choices like these all throughout the day will build up your child’s “choice bank” so that when you need to make a “withdrawal” or request, the child will be more cooperative.

(3) Provide a strong dose of empathy before delivering consequences – View your child’s mistakes as learning opportunities. Love and Logic parents know that the pain of poor choices helps children learn to avoid mistakes. For this to happen, parents must allow it to happen in a loving way. The price tags of mistakes made by small children are much less than those made by adolescents. The question to ask yourself when you are in a potential “learning situation” with your child is (a) will my child get hurt if he makes a mistake? And (b) what will my child learn from this?

(4) Share the thinking – Every time your child causes a problem or makes a mistake, treat it as a learning opportunity. Allow him to think more about the situation than you do. The more empathy and understanding you display, the more your child will be forced to think about the pain he has created for himself. The more anger and frustration you show, the less your child thinks – and the less he learns about solving his own problems.

Action Steps…

Sharing control

Give 99% of the choices when things are going smoothly; see how many “deposits” you can make during the day

Provide choices only on issues that are not dangerous and don’t create a problem for others

Offer two options, each a choice of which you approve

Choose for the child if he or she doesn’t choose within 10 seconds

The enforceable statement

Only make statements to your child that you can enforce. When you repeatedly ask your child to do something that you cannot enforce, you damage your credibility as the authority figure. For example, instead of repeatedly saying, “Please pick up your toys,” an enforceable statement would be, “Feel free to pick up the toys you want to play with tomorrow. The toys not picked up will be picked up by me, and you’ll have to earn them back with chores.”

Set limits once and follow through

How do we set limits once?

With young children who don’t understand language, simply change their location. Example – A child is in a high chair and begins throwing food. Use an empathetic expression like “Uh-oh” or “Bummer” and then remove the child from the high chair and say, “Dinner is over, looks like a little crib time.”

With older children, save most of the attention for happy times. If they are having a tantrum or not being nice, you can tell them they need some “room time”. The child stays in the room until he is calm and ready to be sweet. The parent should stay nearby and when the child is calm, the parent should go in, hug their child and say, ”That was sad. Are you ready to be sweet now?” Then continue on without further discussion. The child will quickly learn that it’s more fun to behave than to misbehave.

Steps for the “Uh-Oh Song” or whichever empathetic response you want to use (note: it’s best to select one phrase and use it repeatedly with your child so that they know what to expect when they hear “Uh-oh” or “That’s sad”).

Instead of making threats or giving warnings, say Uh-oh” and take action

Not to be used with infants or young children who have a need that must be fulfilled

Gently lead or carry your child to his/her room

Say, “Feel free to come out when you’re ready to be sweet.”

Do not lecture when your child is ready to come out; show affection and start fresh

Have fun with your kids when they are behaving

Quotables…

“When people ask, ‘When can we start using Love and Logic with our children?’ we say, ‘Start when they’re babies … start when they’re cute, so they will stay that way!’” Pg 30

“When children act out, what they’re really saying is, ‘Please love me enough to set some limits!’” Pg 31

“If you want your children to have internal controls and inner freedom, you must first provide them with external controls” Pg 54

Statistics and Interesting Facts…

A child’s ability to love and respect oneself and others is primarily determined by how well that child’s basic needs were met during the first two years of life.

Miscellaneous…

(1) The Trust Cycle – Before you can plant the seeds of empathy, responsibility and kindness in your child, you must first ensure that they receive these things when they are an infant. Infants who know that their basic needs are going to be met develop love and kindness in their hearts. When children feel that their parents notice and value their interests, they are always happier and more cooperative. Achieve the “trust cycle” with your infant / child by:

The Trust Cycle

Step 1 – The child has a basic need

Step 2 – The child cries

Step 3 – The parent responds lovingly, the need is fulfilled

Step 4 – Trust/bonding is achieved

(2) The Misbehavior Cycle – When a parent scolds or threatens a child, and the child continues to misbehave, what has been achieved? More important, what is the child learning? Here’s what happens:

The Misbehavior Cycle

Step 1 – Child experiments with misbehavior

Step 2 – Parent gets frustrated or angry

Step 3 – Child develops disrespect for authority figures

Step 4 – Child begins to feel hopeless

How this has changed my parenting…

As a parent, I am a lot less likely now to react in anger, frustration or shear desperation when my child misbehaves. I feel equipped to respond appropriately to her needs to ensure she develops habits that will shape her into a healthy, productive and loving human being.

13. Book Review -- On Becoming Baby Wise

Book Title: On Becoming Baby Wise

Author: Gary Ezzo

Year of Publication: 2001 (Revised & Expand)

Publisher: Parent-Wise Solutions, Inc

Pages: 252

Author’s Web-site : http://www.gfi.org

Full Book Available in: English

You should read this book if you…

Want a way to prepare for your baby’s arrival, complete with how and when to feed, what activities to do when awake with a newborn and when to encourage them to sleep.

“In a nut shell”…

Most babies on this plan sleep for 6-9 hours in a row, at night, by the time they are 8-10 weeks old. The baby will sleep though the night sooner on this plan so the mother can get more sleep at night as well. The plan takes you from birth through 6 months.

Key Ideas…

From birth to 8 weeks old you feed your baby every 2.5 to 3 hours from the BEGINNING of one feeding to the beginning of the next.

There are 8 feedings in a 24-hour period.

Add an extra feeding if you feel your baby needs it or if you feel you need to in order to maintain your breast milk supply or feel extra full in your breasts.

You do not rock your baby to sleep, but put him in his crib awake so he learns to fall asleep on his own.

Action Steps…

There are 3 main events that you need to remember in using this schedule: Feeding Time, Awake Time, and Nap Time, in that order.

This is an example of a 3-hour interval for you to see how it would work. If your baby needs to start with 2.5 hours instead of a full 3 hours, feel free to adjust it, as YOUR baby needs. The TOTAL awake time, including feeding and awake time, should be 90 minutes, with naptime also being 90 minutes, totaling the 3-hour schedule. This eventually will be adjusted to a 4-hour schedule, as your baby grows, with the awake time lengthening. At 24 weeks old (8 months old), your baby’s mealtimes should begin to line up with the family’s meals: breakfast, lunch, dinner.

It took me a few weeks to get it all correct. Be patient with yourself and keep trying!

Here is a sample schedule. Write-in your own time that you STARTED feeding the baby and then add 2.5 or 3 hours to that 1^st time you started feeding baby.

Early Morning: 7:00 am

1. Feed: Hold baby and begin to feed him (breast or bottle, it doesn’t matter on this program, although they like breastfeeding). After about 15-45 minutes on the first breast (or half way through his bottle) take him off the breast or bottle and burp him. Then start on the other breast (rest of the bottle). Burp after he is done. Diaper change as needed or to keep him awake enough to take a nice good feeding.

2. Awake time: Rock and sing to baby. Put baby in his crib to watch a mobile.

3. Nap: Put your baby in his crib (dark and quiet) for a nap.

Midmorning: 10:00 am

1. Feed: Hold baby and nurse him on the breast that you ended your last feeding on or give him a bottle. Follow burping directions above. Change diaper when needed.

2. Awake time: Take baby for a walk in a stroller or visit neighbors or do errands. Hopefully he stays awake for the view.

3. Nap: Put baby in his crib.

Afternoon: 1:00 pm