One of the refreshing marks of young people is their idealism. Even if you know from years of experience that a young person’s ideals are not practical, his zest can inspire faith and hope in those of us who may have lost our vision somewhere in the many battles of life. Someone has said, “Ideals are like the stars. We never reach them but, like the mariners on the sea, we chart our course by them” (Carl Schurz, Reader’s Digest [5/84], p. 66).

But as you mature, you learn that the real world isn’t quite as perfect as you had once envisioned. One jaded pastor put it, “Originally my life’s goal was a huge silver banner with the words, ‘Win the World for Christ!’ Eventually it became, ‘Win one or two people.’ Now it’s, ‘Try not to lose too many.’” While it is overly pessimistic, there is a grain of wisdom buried in his comment and we would do well to think about it before we rush into any service for the Lord.

We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law: “If anything can go wrong, it will.” There are many variations of it:

“The other line moves faster. This applies to all lines: bank, supermarket, tollbooth, customs. If you change lines, then the line that you were originally in moves faster!”

“All papers that you save will never be needed until such time as they are disposed of, when they become essential.”

“When you’re working on your car, any tool dropped will roll under the car to the car’s geographic center.”

Or, as one wag summed up, “Murphy was an optimist!”

All of these statements are exaggerations, of course. But they make us chuckle because they resemble somewhat the real world we live in. Things don’t always go smoothly, even when we have prayed about it beforehand. Following Jesus does not guarantee a trouble-free life. In fact, it often gets us into deeper trouble. But, part of maturity is learning to deal with the world as it is, not as we would like it to be.

That applies in the realm of Christian service. It’s easy for a young person or a new Christian to become very idealistic about serving the Lord. Whether it is an opportunity to teach Sunday School, to serve on a church committee, to work with the youth group, to go on a short-term missions trip, or to go into some kind of full-time Christian work, it’s easy to get stars in your eyes. “It will be wonderful to serve the Lord! I’ll be working with other Christians who also love the Lord. It will be so different from my job in the world working with all those worldly pagans!” And so we jump in, only to find out that the water isn’t just warm; sometimes it is scalding hot! Not anticipating the realities, many grow disillusioned and quit. One of the main reasons missionaries return from the mission field is conflicts with their fellow workers.

Nehemiah 2 has some helpful insights on the realities of serving God. Even though Nehemiah was doing God’s will, it wasn’t all smooth and rosy. Studying his life will help us, on the one hand, not to be overly idealistic and thus vulnerable to disillusionment; and, on the other hand, to be realistic while not giving in to cynicism and dropping out. Nehemiah faced real problems, but he moved through them to great accomplishments. Our chapter shows us three things:

To serve God realistically, we must learn to wait on Him, to work with people, and to wrestle wisely with problems.

Waiting on God, working with people of all sorts, and wrestling wisely with a steady stream of problems are essentials of finishing the course that God has set before us.

1. To serve God realistically, we must learn to wait on Him.

The chapter begins with a chronological note that, compared with 1:1, shows us that four months elapsed between the time that Nehemiah heard the report of Jerusalem until his opportunity to speak to the king. During that time, Nehemiah was so burdened by the news that he wept, mourned, fasted, and prayed for God to do something about the grievous situation in Jerusalem.

Compared to other men in the Bible whom God used, four months was a pretty short wait. Abraham waited over 25 years for God to give him Isaac. Joseph spent time as Potiphar’s slave and then two years in prison before God elevated him to second beneath Pharaoh. Israel was enslaved for 400 years in Egypt. Moses spent 40 years in the desert before God used him to bring Israel out of Egypt. Then the nation spent 40 more years in the wilderness. David spent his twenties running from King Saul. The apostle Paul spent three years alone in Arabia and more years in obscurity in Tarsus before the Lord began to use him in a more significant manner. Those whom God uses must learn to wait on Him.

Waiting is hard! It seems like life is too short, anyway. Time’s a wasting! And then, God puts you on hold. What do you do while you wait? Nehemiah did three things.

A. While waiting, Nehemiah prayed.

The prayer that we looked at last week (1:5-11) was not a one-shot deal. It is a summary of what Nehemiah prayed over and over again during those four months as the burden for God’s glory and God’s people in Jerusalem weighed upon him. Throughout the book, we find Nehemiah praying no less than 11 times in 13 chapters (1:5-11; 2:4; 4:4, 9; 5:19; 6:9, 14; 13:14, 22, 29, 31).

Many of these are just sentence prayers, like the one in our text (2:4), but they reflect the fact that in any and every situation, Nehemiah looked to God in prayer. He is an example of a man who prayed without ceasing (1 Thess. 5:17). The Greek word translated “without ceasing” does not mean without any break, which would be impossible. It is used of a hacking cough and of repeated military assaults. It means that prayer should be something we return to again and again until we obtain an answer.

Note Nehemiah’s prayer in 2:4. The king notices that Nehemiah is sad in his presence, which was a breach of protocol. Kings liked to be surrounded by happy people. This could have caused Nehemiah to lose his job or even his life. Some think that he deliberately staged this sadness, in light of his prayer in 1:11. Or, I think that his request in 1:11 was a daily prayer for four months, but on this particular day, Nehemiah inadvertently let his sorrow over Jerusalem show on his face, leading to this encounter. The gravity of his situation is seen in that he was “very much afraid” (2:2). It was the opportunity that he had been waiting for, but when it actually came, he was terrified. How did he handle it?

“So I prayed to the God of heaven. And I said to the king….” It had to be a silent, instantaneous cry of “Help, Lord!” Or, “Lord, give me wisdom now!” This quick sentence prayer rested on four months of extended praying. It shows that Nehemiah depended on the Lord in every situation. As 2:8 shows, Nehemiah didn’t attribute the king’s favorable response to good luck. Rather, “the king granted them to me because the good hand of my God was on me.” As Proverbs 21:1 states, “The king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord. He turns it wherever He wishes.” Or, as Hudson Taylor said, “It is possible to move men through God by prayer alone” (cited by Charles Swindoll, Hand Me Another Brick [Thomas Nelson Publishers], p. 43).

One reason God makes us wait on Him is to teach us to depend on Him in prayer. If He immediately granted everything we ask for, we’d grab the goodies and forget God. But when we wait on God in prayer, we learn to seek God Himself and to depend upon Him in ways that we never would learn any other way. And, when the answer finally comes, we realize that it is because of one reason: “the good hand of our God was upon us.” Thus we give Him all the glory He deserves.

B. While waiting, Nehemiah developed patience.

Waiting reveals our impatience and teaches us to be patient. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit that God wants to develop in all of His children, but especially in leaders. An impatient leader can cause a lot of problems if he reacts impetuously in a crisis.

Derek Kidner (Ezra & Nehemiah Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries [IVP], p. 78) observes that Nehemiah’s waiting on God in prayer in chapter 1 was remarkable in light of his natural bent for swift, decisive action, and “it shows where his priorities lay.” He didn’t hear about the scene in Jerusalem and immediately rush into the king’s presence asking for a year’s leave of absence because God had called him to Jerusalem. For four months he concealed this heavy burden from the king and presented it to God in private, until God finally opened the opportunity to talk with the king. Only then did Nehemiah move ahead.

His patience is also seen when he arrived in Jerusalem. He could have ridden into town with his retinue of soldiers and announced, “I have come to help you rebuild the wall! We’ll have a meeting in one hour to disclose my plan!” But he waited three days before doing anything, and even then he moved cautiously, keeping his purpose concealed until the right moment.

Many pastors, especially when they’re fresh out of seminary, bursting with great ideas for reforming the church, move too quickly and meet resistance. The metaphor of sowing and reaping should teach us that we need patiently to sow God’s Word into lives, and that change takes time. Nehemiah prayed and he was patient as he waited on God to work.

C. While waiting, Nehemiah planned.

The chapter shows that Nehemiah had been doing a lot of advance thinking and planning. When the king asked how long he would be gone, Nehemiah didn’t vaguely say, “Well, that’s up to the Lord!” He gave him a definite time. While we later learn (5:14) that he was in Jerusalem for 12 years, probably he finished the wall, then returned to report to Artaxerxes, and then came back to serve as governor.

Not only did Nehemiah give the king a definite time, he also laid out some definite requests that show that he had been doing some careful planning (2:7-8). He requested letters from the king to the governors of the provinces to allow him to pass through their territory. He asked for a letter to the keeper of the king’s forest, to get timber for making repairs to the walls and gates, and for a house for himself. When he got to Jerusalem, he assessed the situation firsthand and obviously did some thoughtful planning as to how to approach the project.

Prayer and planning are not at odds with each other. Many Christians think that it’s unspiritual to plan. They will say, “Let’s just trust the Lord,” which being interpreted means, “I don’t have a clue about how we’re going to move from here to there!” It’s true that we can go to the other extreme of being so elaborate in our plans that we trust the plans, not the Lord. But Nehemiah shows the biblical balance of waiting on God in prayer, but also thinking and planning about what he would do when God opened the door.

Thus while you wait on the Lord, you pray, you develop patience, and you plan.

2. To serve God realistically, we must learn to work with people.

It’s easy to be idealistic about serving God until you meet the actual people that you have to work with! Suddenly you realize the truth that Linus shouted, “I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand!” I often joke that the ministry would be great if it weren’t for the people! Sometimes I envy those guys with a radio ministry. They just talk into a microphone in a quiet studio and never have to relate to all the cranky people in their radio audience!

But the ministry involves people. Many pastors bomb out of ministry because they’ve never learned how to work with people. They’re abrasive or insensitive and when people react against them, they develop a persecution complex. But Nehemiah was sensitive to people and he responded with tact. But when needed, he confronted with uncompromising strength. There are three types of people he dealt with in our chapter:

First, Nehemiah knew how to work with an unbelieving king. This was an especially difficult situation in that the king was Nehemiah’s boss who literally had the power to make Nehemiah’s head roll! That’s why Nehemiah was very much afraid when the king asked him why he was sad in his presence. You didn’t rain on this man’s parade without sometimes severe consequences! Also, the king had previously stopped the work on the wall in Jerusalem (Ezra 4:21). The decrees of the kings of the Medes and Persians were proverbial about being unchangeable. Now Nehemiah wants to convince this Persian king to reverse his policy about Jerusalem! It was no easy task!

How did Nehemiah do it? As we’ve seen, he moved the king through private prayer. It is amazing how God can soften the hearts of the most difficult people if we will spend time asking Him to do so! Talk to God before you go to talk to a difficult person.

Also, Nehemiah had gained the king’s respect through his competence on the job. The king’s inquiry about how soon Nehemiah could return shows that he wanted him to come back! Nehemiah’s trustworthy character and his loyalty to the king had been obvious over the time that he had worked for the king. Every Christian should be a witness on the job first by godly character and competence, and only second by verbal witness.

Also, Nehemiah was tactful and sensitive in how he spoke to the king. He never mentions Jerusalem by name—that would have been a sore spot with the king! He refers to it in personal terms, as the place of his fathers’ tombs, a point that this pagan king could relate to. If you have to speak to an unbelieving boss about a difficult subject, think about how he will receive it and speak in a manner that he is certain to identify with.

Also, Nehemiah knew how to relate to demoralized believers. The Jews in Jerusalem believed in God and His covenant promises, at least intellectually. But they had lost hope. They had tried to rebuild the wall, but had been shot down. They were likely to resist this outsider coming in and telling them to try something that they knew could not be done. Some may not even have seen the need. Others would warn that if you tried to rebuild the wall, you’re only going to stir up the opposition of the surrounding governors.

Nehemiah’s careful, secretive preparations once he got to Jerusalem show that he anticipated some resistance to his proposal. So he spent three days doing his homework and thinking about how to present this in a way that would overcome the objections. After that he called the Jewish leaders and people together and began by stating the problem very plainly (2:17): “You see the bad situation we are in, that Jerusalem is desolate and its gates burned by fire.” He also identified himself with them in the problem. It wasn’t their problem; it was our problem. He didn’t blame them for things but neither did he gloss over the fact that we have a problem.

Then, he appealed to a need that they all felt, “that we may no longer be a reproach.” They all knew that a defenseless Jerusalem was a joke to the surrounding neighbors. They sensed that Nehemiah had come to seek their welfare (2:10). Finally, he told them how God already had been favorable as seen in the king’s favorable response. Perhaps he showed them the letters from the king and the requisition for the timber. Their instant response was that of hope: “Let us arise and build!”

There’s an art to working with people and learning to motivate them to accomplish great things for God. Some leaders err by becoming people-pleasing politicians. They want everyone’s approval, so they tell people what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear. But they erode trust because people quickly realize that they are manipulative and do not speak the truth.

Other leaders err by telling it like it is, but without sensitivity and tact. They don’t take the time to listen to people and understand where they’re at and how they feel about things. When people react against their leadership, they label them as disobedient and move on. Nehemiah should teach us to combine wisdom and tact with plain truth.

The third group of people that Nehemiah had to work with was the enemies. Sanballat was the governor of Samaria to the north. Tobiah, whose name is Jewish (“Yah is good”), ruled the Ammonites to the east. Geshem was the leader of the Arabs to the south. They all opposed a fortified Jerusalem because it threatened their political positions. They didn’t care at all about the plight of the Jews, much less about the name of the Lord being exalted in Jerusalem. So they were very displeased (2:10) and joined together to ridicule the project and accuse the people of rebellion against the king (2:19).

Nehemiah demonstrates both wisdom and courage in dealing with these enemies. He was wise in that he sensed, “This is no time for diplomacy. I need to meet these enemies head-on.” Any meeting to hear their concerns or to work out a compromise would have been a mistake. So Nehemiah courageously confronted them and drew the line between them and God’s people so that they could not join the project with the goal of sabotaging it. He didn’t use the clout of the king’s letters, but rather spiritual clout: “The God of heaven will give us success” (2:20).

Any time God’s people say, “Let’s arise and build,” the enemy will say, “Let’s arise and stop them.” J. Sidlow Baxter writes, “There is no winning without working and warring. There is no opportunity without opposition” (Explore the Book, Six Volumes in One [Zondervan], 2:230). A godly leader must have the discernment to know when to work with people and when to confront and oppose them. Early in my ministry, a veteran pastor, Ray Ortlund, told me, “You’ve got to decide where you want to give blood.” It is good counsel!

Thus to serve God realistically, you must learn to wait on Him and to work with people. Finally,

3. To serve God realistically, we must learn to wrestle with problems.

Any time you try to do anything significant for God, there will be problems. The enemy will see to that! We’ve already seen how Nehemiah dealt with the problem of the enemies. But also, he had to face the problem of the destroyed wall.

He began with a realistic firsthand appraisal of the situation. In one place, the rubble was so bad that he couldn’t ride his horse or mule through the debris. As the leader, he needed to know exactly how bad things were so that he could develop a realistic, practical plan of action. Nehemiah didn’t gloss over the problems. He describes it to the people as “a bad situation.”

Again, we need balance here. Some leaders are so sanguine that they refuse to acknowledge how bad things are. People in the trenches feel that he’s out of touch and it undermines his leadership. Other leaders are so engulfed by the problems that they lose hope. Nehemiah realistically saw the problem and, as we will see, broke it down into manageable units in order to get the job done.

Conclusion

So to serve God realistically, we must wait on Him for His timing, work with different sorts of people, and wrestle with problems. Just because it is the Lord’s work and He is on our side does not mean that everything will work out smoothly and effortlessly. We need both the idealism of what God wants to do and the realism that there will be major hurdles to overcome. But it’s worth all the hassles. My parents used to have the little plaque on the wall by the door that said, “Only one life, ’twill soon be past; only what’s done for Christ will last.” I hope that all of you will know the joy of serving Him in spite of the inevitable difficulties.

Discussion Questions

1. How can we guard ourselves from disappointment and cynicism when things do not go well in our service for God?
2. When do we cross the line from proper planning to excessive planning? What factors can we watch out for?
3. How can a person who does not work well with people learn this essential skill? What steps would you advise?
4. How can you know when to be diplomatic and when to confront boldly? What guidelines should we follow? (Check out Jesus’ various interactions with people in this regard.)

Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2002, All Rights Reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation

Just because a person becomes a parent doesn’t mean that he or she knows how to act like one. This is no more true than when kids become teens. You’ve probably seen it: a nervous parent groveling before a surly teen or trying to be a “buddy” rather than a parent. It makes one wonder: why do some parents feel so guilty about parenting with authority?

Unfortunately this is more than just an occasional outbreak of bad behavior—it’s an epidemic with at least one root cause: “I can’t be too hard on him. After all, I made lots of mistakes growing up and I don’t want to be a hypocrite!”

To parent well, we’ve got to swallow our feelings of guilt and hypocrisy and learn to speak openly and honestly about what is most important in life.

The Hypocrite-phobic Parent

If you have children still at home, chances are you’re a member of “Generation X.” You grew up with the ever-present mantra of “free sex, free drugs, no-absolute-truth.” I would say that at least half of the parents I visit with at homeschool conventions became interested in homeschooling because they wanted to protect their kids from the mistakes they themselves made growing up.

Yet when faced with dishonor and bad choices, these parents freeze. They know that once their kids get to be ten or so, the hard questions will start coming: “Mom, did you ever lie to your parents? Dad, did you ever do something your parents had forbidden?” Or more serious, “Did you have sex outside of marriage? Did you ever abuse drugs or alcohol?”

Sadly, many parents would rather abdicate parenting all together than confront their children’s bad choices and risk the “hypocrite” charge. Even though parents know how awful today’s television programming is, for example, Mark Bauerlein in The Dumbest Generation points out that more than 50% of parents set no restrictions at all on their children’s television viewing.

Or more sobering, the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP) released a study in late 2006 showing that 57% of parents admit to “some degree of difficulty” in engaging teens in meaningful discussions about their friends, how they dress, and tough subjects like drug use.¹

If you feel disqualified to parent authoritatively because your own life was marred by self-centeredness, premarital sexuality, drug and alcohol abuse or divorce, here’s some good news: There are at least three ways to parent well in spite of having a checkered past. Let’s consider each in turn.

The Example of David: Seek Repentance

The first step to hypocrisy-free parenting is to do what great men and women have done for millennia: humble yourself before God and express sorrow for what you did. Consider the example of King David, starting with this passage written by his son, Solomon:

Listen, my sons, to a father’s discipline, and pay attention so that you may gain understanding, for I am giving you good instruction. Don’t abandon my teaching. When I was a son with my father, tender and precious to my mother, he taught me and said: ‘Your heart must hold on to my words. Keep my commands and live.’ Proverbs 4:1-4 (emphases added)

It seems like a fairly standard bit of parenting advice until one considers who Solomon’s father was—King David! And who was Solomon’s mother? Bathsheba! How did David and Bathsheba come to be married? David committed adultery with Bathsheba (Solomon’s mother) and even had Bathsheba’s innocent, honorable husband killed to cover up his sin.

If living a blameless life was the criterion for giving wise counsel, David would certainly have been disqualified. Yet he did not use his sin as an excuse to avoid giving wise counsel to his son. Rather than abandon his parenting responsibility, David made a confession, asking to be made clean and steadfast so that he could use his life as an example to those who had gone astray:

God, create a clean heart for me and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not banish me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore the joy of Your salvation to me, and give me a willing spirit. Then I will teach the rebellious Your ways, and sinners will return to you. Psalm 51:10-13

If you believe your past disqualifies you from wisely guiding your children, pray Psalm 51, as David did, asking God to make you steadfast in the truth so that you can impart wisdom to the next generation.

When I was just out of college my father shared with me some of the poor choices he made when younger, and how ashamed he was of what he had done. As he shared, he wept. I found myself feeling uncomfortable, but moved to take my own choices more seriously.

What to Say in the Hard Conversations

The second step in hypocrisy-free parenting is brace yourself for the inevitable difficult conversations. Think now about what you’ll say then, so you won’t be caught unprepared. For example:

• “I wish I could parent you based on having lived a perfect life, but that won’t be the case. I’ve made many tragic errors that have hurt a lot of people and brought dishonor to God.”
• “Because of my past I must rely completely on God’s grace and His offer of forgiveness.”
• “It’s embarrassing to have to admit my sins, but I need for you to know that my counsel to you is based on the wisdom God has revealed, not on my having lived a blameless life.”
• “My point in telling you this is not to make excuses for myself or to give you an excuse for acting like I did, but to display the tragic effects of sin and the magnitude of God’s grace.”
• “I understand if you’re thinking, ‘Why should I listen to you?’ I don’t blame you and I’m sorry that my example has led you to think that way. What I’m asking you to do, though, is not to follow my example but to learn from my mistakes and do what God has revealed is right.”

Ultimately our children are responsible for their own lives and choices. Statements like these aren’t guaranteed to prevent your children from making poor choices, but they will help prevent them from using your life experience as an excuse for their wrong-doing.

Taking Advantage of the Mentoring Moments

The third step in hypocrisy-free parenting is to exert an influence even when your son or daughter is being resistant.

A number of years ago one of my students said, “Dr. Myers, I think a lot of people are focused on trying to have big, definitive conversations about important issues. But most of the life lessons we learn happen in ‘mentoring moments.’”

This student was wise beyond her years, and I think I understand exactly what she’s saying. Here are 10 ideas of things you can do to create conversational space, even when it’s awkward.

1. You can listen: “Tell me about what’s important to you...”

2. You can give a blessing: “Has anyone ever told you that you have the gift of ___?”

3. You can affirm: “Here’s something about you that makes a great deal of difference to me...”

4. You can be transparent: “I’ve made mistakes in my life and I’d hate to see you go down that same path...”

5. You can pray: “I’m not sure what to do either. Can I pray with you about it?”

6. You can encourage: “I know it’s tough but I know you can do it.”

7. You can teach: “May I share with you a Scripture verse that has been important to me?”

8. You can admonish: “You were running a good race. Who cut in on you?”

9. You can love: “No matter what, I’ll be here.”

10. Failing all else, you can just walk alongside: “Let’s go together.”

Tough conversations will come, but that doesn’t mean we must forfeit our responsibilities as parents. As the old saying goes, “You can’t have a new beginning, but you can start today to produce a new ending.”

¹http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/58356.php.

Introduction

On Mother’s Day families pay special tribute to their moms in various ways--cards, flowers, breakfast in bed or at McDonald's, lunch at a fine restaurant, long distance calls, and special gifts. These are just some of the ways families will say thanks to mom, and that is as it should be. But too often Mother’s Day is simply a time when families attempt to atone for an entire year of neglect, indifference, misuse, disrespect, and a lack of thoughtfulness and genuine appreciation. How typical of people--especially Americans. And how hypocritical!

I’d like to devote this study to some biblical reflections for mothers as well as the entire family.

Reflections on Society

Most present day philosophers, both Christian and non-Christian, would tend to agree on one point: that Western man is now living in a post-Christian era.¹ In other words, this is no longer a truly Christian nation due to the choices we have made as a nation in the last thirty years. Our coins still say “in God we trust,” but certainly by the choices we have made, especially since the ’60s, we are not trusting in God as a nation. We have a form of godliness, but we deny the power and reality of God by our true beliefs and actions.

What is meant by the statement we are in a post-Christian era? Does it mean Christianity is dead? Of course it doesn’t, for that can never be. Anticipating the constant antagonism of Satan’s world system throughout the ages, the Lord declared He would build His church and the gates of hell would not prevail against it (Matt. 16:18). Post-Christian means that the influence the Bible once had on our nation’s social and moral behavior has diminished to a level hardly recognizable today. This applies not only to morality, but to all areas of life. Education, sexuality, political theory, law, justice, the family, and most importantly, parenting, are now under the failing influence of man-centered opinions.

Have you noticed how, though people may not be a specialist in an area, everyone has an opinion about every aspect of life. Non-Christians (especially today) usually form their opinions apart from Scripture. When people do that they remove God from consideration and raise man’s opinion above God’s Word. Some non-Christians may quote the Bible, like politicians, but they do so either to gain votes from the religious right or simply as one would quote Shakespeare.

Our subject in this study is the home, families, and particularly, motherhood. What, therefore, are the effects of this post-Christian era on the family? It is simply this--human reason or secular humanism thinks it is free to set the parameters for the family, for the home, for marriage, and for child development. This opens the door for man’s speculations about man and who he is, about what marriage is and should be, and about what is right for the home--for moms, dads and children. But because of the fall of mankind as recorded in Genesis 3, children are born with sinful natures and go astray even from their mother’s womb (Psa. 58:3).

By contrast, a Christian is one who ought to see the home, marriage, and parental responsibilities as framed within the parameters of God’s infallible and authoritative Word to man--the Bible. These truths from God’s Word should not only shape our beliefs and practices in all areas of life (including the home where life makes up its mind), but they also make them legitimate, indeed, absolutes to guide us in our trek through life. Our opinions and beliefs are legitimately Christian only to the degree that they are truly founded on the Bible as the Word of God.

This, of course, raises a significant concern. It is to be expected that the non-Christian will hold a view on marriage, the home, and parenting that is basically humanistic or man-centered in origin and purpose. But what is alarming is the vast number of Christians who hold similar viewpoints. Many Christians think they are Christian in their viewpoint, but in actuality they are Christian or biblical only up to a point and much of the time do not even realize it. Although they may acknowledge the sufficiency of God and the Bible, they do not see a need to subject their personal opinions, reasoning, and emotions to the guidelines of Scripture in all areas of the family.

Passages like Romans 12:2, “be not conformed . . . ” are seen as applying primarily to morals, but not to things like child discipline and problems in marriage. The thinking is, that for these issues we need the expert advice of the social experts and psychologists. But this creates a false dualism--the notion that there is a sacred and a secular side to the family, marriage and parenting. Dualism fosters the belief that God’s Word is sufficient in the realm of religion, but wanting in other areas of life. But to the biblical Christian, all is sacred; nothing is secular. All our relationships are to be directed by the truth of Scripture whether in education, finances, law, government, employment, sexuality, marriage, or parenting.

Reflections from Proverbs

Proverbs 31:10-31 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good and not evil All the days of her life. 13 She looks for wool and flax, And works with her hands in delight. 14 She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar. 15 She rises also while it is still night, And gives food to her household, And portions to her maidens. 16 She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She girds herself with strength, And makes her arms strong. 18 She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night. 19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hands grasp the spindle. 20 She extends her hand to the poor; And she stretches out her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household, For all her household are clothed with scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies belts to the tradesmen. 25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. 26 She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 27 She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: 29 "Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all." 30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. 31 Give her the product of her hands, And let her works praise her in the gates.

In this passage in Proverbs, God presents us with His description and estimation of what a godly wife and mother looks like. In this passage we are given a glimpse of a woman who is a wife and mother, and one who diligently cares for her household, the extended family unit including servants, business associates, and those she helps in the society in which she lives. This woman, whom God praises and defines as "excellent" (NASB) or "of noble character" (NIV) or "virtuous" (KJV), and whose value is far above jewels, is shown to possess at least five characteristics or qualities. But before we look at these five qualities, let's consider the word translated "excellent" in the NASB.

The word "excellent" (vs. 10) is the Hebrew word chayil which means "strength, efficiency." To illustrate something of the nature and power of this word, it is helpful to note how it used and translated in other passages of Scripture. It is translated in the NASB by "able" (5 times), "strength" (10 times), "army" (82 times), "valiant" (over 40 times), and "capable" (3 times). In the context of Proverbs 31, it refers to moral strength, but also to domestic ability and efficiency.

The five qualities are:

1. She is a devoted wife (vss. 11, 12, 23). She is one who has the confidence of her husband, who seeks his welfare, and enhances his reputation.

2. She is a diligent partner (vss. 13-17, 18b, 19, 22, 24). As a woman with God's viewpoint, she is a willing worker, a wise shopper and planner who is able to minister to her family because she keeps herself fit spiritually and physically (cf. vs. 18a, 25).

3. She is a dutiful servant to the needy and the poor (vs. 20). She has a vision for ministry not only to her family but to her society.

4. She is a dependable mother (vss. 15, 21, 27). She is devoted to the needs of her family. She is well groomed, attractive, organized, and disciplined and as such, is a testimony to her children.

5. She is a doctrinally oriented woman (vs. 26, 18). She is a woman full of God's wisdom.

Well, after this description, you are probably saying, “I give up! This doesn't describe a woman, it describes superwoman"! Not exactly, though you are close. It describes a woman who is living in a supernatural way with a supernatural God.

As we look at this passage we can see that being a wife and mother is a tremendously challenging task in any age. But in our day it is even more challenging because of the distorted values and inroads of secular humanism and the moral breakdown in our society. And it is especially difficult for single moms without the help of a husband, and many times without the help of a caring church.

But may I inject here an important statement. Nothing, absolutely nothing is more important to a society than godly motherhood. The family is the foundation of society, and while fathers are responsible for the way the family goes, mothers are the glue that holds the family together.

Since this is so true and mothers are so important to our society and to each of us in our own families, I’d like us to consider some of the problems that moms and families face as a means of protecting motherhood and increasing our thoughtfulness for mom.

Reflections for the Family

As mentioned in the introduction to this study, we face the deception and threat of shifting values and attitudes that are destroying the family--especially motherhood. Perhaps nothing expresses what is happening in our society better than the Virginia Slims slogan, "You've come a long way baby!"

In discussing the enticement the world is having on our society through what is called fulfilling employment, Rita Carver writes, "In today's world one wonders if mother is not headed for extinction. . . . Some of our feminist sisters have declared that as non-working mothers we are only maids doing the job any eight-year-old could accomplish" (quoted from Civilization in Crisis, Richard A. Fowler and H. Wayne House, Baker Book House, p. 6).

Erwin Lutzer has some timely remarks on the nature of the ERA movement in America in his book, Exploding the Myths That Could Destroy America. He writes:

What is wrong with ERA? The problem lies with the definition of the word equality. The feminists interpret it to mean that women would have equality so far as their roles are concerned--that is, the place of women in society would be interchangeable with that of men. Whatever men do, women would be able to do. All gender-based roles would be abolished. Toward this end, the media, greatly influenced by the avant-garde mood of the feminists, is attempting to dismantle the traditional concept of what a woman should do and who she should be. Gone are the days when femininity and motherhood were looked upon with respect.

A listener of Dr. James Dobson’s radio program “Focus on the Family” wrote saying that she had discovered thousands of books had been taken from her public library. Investigation showed that these books were the ones based on the traditional roles of father and mother—father the breadwinner with mother staying at home to rear the children. Now the shelves were stocked with books that portrayed the contemporary woman who pursues her career outside the home. The children are at a day-care center and the father is equally involved in their upbringing. The woman portrayed in that manner is in every respect equal to a man.

The radical feminists have clearly defined goals they wish to achieve. In the process they believe they must smash the traditional understanding of marriage, children, and religion so that equality can be brought about. The woman’s role is being redefined. (Erwin W. Lutzer, Exploding the Myths that Could Destroy America, Moody Press, pp. 92-93).

Scripture warns us over and over again about the anti-God, adversarial forces that are constantly at work to get us to adopt the values and attitudes of the world.

Romans 12:2 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

2 Timothy 3:1-5 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. 2 For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, 4 treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God; 5 holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; and avoid such men as these.

We should note the context of the 2 Timothy passage in 2:25-26. Note also the element of warning in 3:1, and the key elements that characterizes the world in the last days--self love in one form after another. Self love stands in stark contrast to the Christ-like mentality of ministry to others (servanthood) that should characterize the body of Christ.

Related to this self-love in 2 Timothy 3 are three things that stand out in connection with the family: (a) "disobedient to parents," (b) "without natural affection" (is the Greek, astorgos from astorgh, family affection, love of kindred, [G. Abbott-Smith, A Manual Greek Lexicon of the New Testament, T. & T. Clark, 1973, p. p. 65]), and (c) "lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God." When these three exist, the family is destroyed as a protective force in society. In the radical feminist movement, all of these can be observed.

Moms face two tremendous forces of persuasion. First, they face the deceptions of Satan and a satanically-controlled system which have as their goal the destruction of the home and especially motherhood because of their importance to the stability of society. Satan's first attack was against the mother of humanity (Eve) and it immediately affected the home.

But there is a second force that has aided the first. This is the abuse of women by men. Man's mistreatment of women has made women ripe for the propaganda and humanistic ideas of the world.

Richard Fowler and Wayne House address this in their book, Civilization in Crisis:

The problems created for the Christian in regard to working wives comes both from the historical feminist movement and the distortion of God's original intention for husband and wife (Gen. 1-2). The root misconception is not the equality of creation of male and female, but the created function of husbands and wives.

In general, secular society (including evangelicals) has defined the traditional family structure and assumed the husband to be the superior ruler and the wife to be the inferior servant. That concept lies far to the right of what God ordained. On the other hand, the feminist movement has swung the pendulum far to the left, largely refusing the family structure and roles God has given (Richard A. Fowler and H. Wayne House, Civilization in Crisis, Baker Book House Co., p. 19).

This can be illustrated by the following chart or graphic.

As

families, we need to be alert to the destructive influences of both extremes and correct them as we become aware of them in our lives.

Reflections for Dad

Ephesians 5:23-29 is the classic passage on headship. This passage clearly gives us God's perspective of the husband as the head of the wife, not as a dictator but with a loving servant-like responsibility to their wife. When we neglect the admonitions and example of this passage, we sin in several ways:

• We sin against God by disobedience and by destroying the picture that marriage provides of Christ and the church.
• We sin against our wives by failing to care for their needs properly.
• We sin against our children since they pick up our attitudes and actions.

As husbands we are told to care for our wives in two ways:

(1) As Christ is the Savior of the church, so husbands are to provide for their wives, not simply by putting food on the table, but by emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental support. Our wives have all kinds of needs, but many men are like bulls in a china shop--totally oblivious to the makeup, the value, needs, and sensitivities of their wives (cf. 1 Pet. 3:7).

Some men are concerned solely with what they can get from their wives, but are deaf, blind and dumb to the needs of their spouse. She can change her hair, make a new dress, but does he notice? Does he say, "Hey, sweetheart, I love your hair, or you really look great." Does he sit down to just spend time talking with her about what's on her heart and on his? Too often, the answer to this question is--rarely! Men take care of their hunting rifles and shotguns, their gardens, their car, their boat, and their business, but do they notice the strain, the tension, and the desire of their wife to be loved and cared for as a person?

(2) Two examples are given to show men how to love their wives. We are to love them as Christ loved the church and as we love our very own bodies. Ask yourself these questions. Do I want for my wife what I want for myself? Do I want to avoid for her the unpleasant things I want to avoid for myself? Life and the home are filled with opportunities for husbands to show their love and concern for their wives.

Reflections for Sons and Daughters

From Proverbs 31:28 we read, "Her children rise up and bless her." Mom is far too often taken for granted. She provides the ride to little league, to ballet, or to piano lessons. Or she provides good meals for seemingly never ending empty stomachs, or provides a shoulder to cry on when in trouble. Far too often, mom is the blunt end of cutting remarks or of unspoken angry looks and attitudes, of disrespect, rebellion, and neglect because she didn't give in to some whim because she loves you.

Too often she fails to see or hear what her heart longs for in your attitudes and words like, "thanks mom, I really appreciate that." Or "thanks mom, I really appreciate you."

In Ephesians Paul mentions two commands with a promise.

Ephesians 6:1-3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise, 3 that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.

God is very serious about children obeying and honoring their parents; so serious that he gave this vital command in the Old Testament with a special promise. In the context of the Old Testament in which this promise was given, the promise was first of all national and applied to God's blessing on the nation so they could remain in the land under the care of God. It illustrates the fact that when there is breakdown in the home, there is also breakdown in the society as a whole. For Israel, this would result in disobedience to the Word of God and, ultimately, if there was not repentance, the nation would come under the curses of Deuteronomy 28-30 and dispersion.

The promise for those who obey their parents is that they enjoy a prosperous and long life on the earth. This states a general principle that obedience fosters self-discipline, which in turn brings stability and longevity in one’s life. (Stated conversely, it is improbable that an undisciplined person will live a long life. An Israelite who persistently disobeyed his parents was not privileged to enjoy a long, stable life in the land of Israel. A clear example of this was Eli’s sons Hophni and Phinehas [1 Sam. 4:11].) Though that promise was given to Israel in the Old Testament, the principle still holds true today. (Walvoord, John F., and Zuck, Roy B., The Bible Knowledge Commentary, (Wheaton, Illinois: Scripture Press Publications, Inc.) 1983, 1985.

How serious is God about obedience? So serious that in 1 Samuel 15:23 He likens rebellion and insubordination (disobedience and dishonor) to divination (demonic activity) and idolatry.

To honor your parents means you respect, esteem, or value their opinions and listen to their instruction. You may think mom and dad are out to lunch and do not understand you, but they do and they are there for your protection.

Reflections for Mom

The Demands of Motherhood

The demands on mothers are awesome, as we see from Proverbs 31. Some of these demands include planning meals, grocery shopping, meal preparation (often for finicky kids and husbands), shopping for clothes for the family, mending, washing, and ironing; housecleaning, caring for the many other needs of the family from the broken arm to the runny nose, from the fight with the kid next door to the quarrel with the boyfriend. Then there is home work (and for some even home schooling), and last but not least--mom's taxi service--little league, dance class, the dentist, band practice . . . you name it.

How can mom handle all of this and not only remain sane and strong but joyful?

The Needs of Motherhood

In addition to the need of a loving and caring family, Luke 10:38f shows us another tremendous need and priority. This is a passage of contrasts--contrasts between a woman (Martha) who was distracted over her responsibilities in the home, and a woman (Mary) who found time to sit at the feet of the Savior to take in His Word. (This is the same Mary who anointed the Lord’s feet in preparation for His burial.) She had penetrated into the mystery and truth of His life and death. How had she come to grasp these things when even the disciples were too spiritually sluggish to do so? She had grasped these truths because she had seen the need to sit at the Savior’s feet that she might carefully hear His word.

Only those mothers who make Mary's priority their own priority will be able to enter into the secret of Christ's death so they can live in the supernatural power and quality of His life. This does not imply ignoring the responsibilities of motherhood, but developing priorities with the Lord that allow for the exchange of Christ’s life in hers.

The Dangers of Motherhood

The danger is to become like Martha, so cumbered about with carrying for the family and the details of life that sitting at the feet of the Savior takes a back seat. Yes, ministering to the Lord and his friends was needful for Martha, but not by comparison.

"Cumbered" (KJV) or "distracted" (NASB) in verse 40 is the Greek, perispaw, "to be pulled, drawn away, detached, distracted, overburdened." What was the result? Martha's request in the second part of verse 40 shows us she was not only full of care and anxiety, but she was also full of resentment, self-pity, and tension. There was little or no joy in her ministry to the Savior and to others.

As an illustration compare our Savior’s advice to his disciples after an extremely busy time of ministry in Mark 6:31. Here is a piece of advice that is very applicable not only to moms but to all of us. We all need quality time alone with the Lord in His word, for the tendency is to get so busy that we meet ourselves coming and going. The Lord Himself was the perfect example for finding time alone with God for personal fortification and recuperation (see Mk. 1:35f).

An important question for moms is: Are you so busy coming and going that you do not take time to sit at the feet of the Lord to listen to His Word and take your burdens to the Him?

It is significant that among the epistles of Paul there are two extended passages that deal with the family or the Christian home, Ephesians 5:22-6:4 and Colossians 3:18-21. But vital to the directives of each of these passages is the context--just as the root is vital to fruit. For Ephesians, the context is the Spirit-filled (controlled) walk in the wisdom of Christ (Eph. 5:15-18), and in Colossians the context is the Word-filled (directed) life that does all in the name and power of the Lord Jesus (Col. 3:16-17). No wife or husband or mom or dad can be the kind of spouse or parent God has called them to be, nor can they meet the demands of family life, without this supernatural fortification.

Isn't it interesting that before the Lord told the Israelites to teach their children diligently in Deuteronomy 6:6-7, He first told them, "These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart." (Emphasis mine). See also the same thrust in Deuteronomy 4:9.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 "And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart; 7 and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.

Deuteronomy 4:9 "Only give heed to yourself and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things which your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life; but make them known to your sons and your grandsons.

1 Some of the ideas given in this introduction were taken from Preparation for Parenting, A Biblical Perspective, by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, p. 11f.