I don’t like to admit it, but I don’t always please my wife. And to that she echoes a hearty “Amen.” But then again, you probably knew that already. I’m human and she’s human, and two human beings cannot always please each other. Yet God wants me to please her. There are some things I ought to be doing that I’m not doing. And there are some things I am doing that I shouldn’t be doing. What can she do to help me grow? After all, Jesus said she isn’t supposed to criticize me.

Every day, Christian counselors are listening to long lists of gripes wives have against their husbands: “He doesn’t show me enough love. He doesn’t talk to me. He isn’t the spiritual leader of the home. He doesn’t spend enough time with the children. He doesn’t fix things around the house. He doesn’t call me when he’s going to be late. He squanders money on non-essentials.”

The husbands have their lists too: “She nags at me. She screams at the kids. She doesn’t keep the house clean. She gets irritable over little things. She doesn’t take care of her personal appearance. She runs me down to her friends. She isn’t interested in me physically.”

What are we supposed to do about those things? There are two common but totally destructive alternatives we frequently choose. One is to suppress our feelings and suffer in silence. We all know a sweet, submissive wife who seems to give in to her husband all the time. But she usually finds subtle ways to retaliate that he cannot do anything about (like get a headache at bedtime), and she has her clever schemes (like turning on the tears) to manipulate him into doing what she wants. We probably also know a passive husband who bottles up his resentments and draws into his shell. But he, too, finds little ways to get even (like giving his wife the silent treatment), or else he gets ulcers, or he goes out and has an affair. Suppressing our thoughts, feelings, needs and desires is not the answer.

On the other end of the spectrum is the person who freely expresses most all of his displeasure. He seldom hesitates to tell people what he thinks of them. He prides himself on his honesty. He tells it like it is! He can wax eloquent about everybody else’s faults. But the truth of the matter is, he cares only for himself, and his outspokenness is an attempt to browbeat people into doing what he wants. His so-called honesty is actually thinly veiled anger and hostility. It may succeed in getting others to shape up to his demands, but usually at the cost of hurting them or damaging their self-esteem. That is not the edifying love which we are encouraged to express to one another throughout the Scripture.

If neither one of these options is acceptable, then what are we supposed to do about the faults of others? There are several passages of Scripture that can help us find an answer to that question, but none is more helpful than Galatians 6:1: “Brethren, even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; looking to yourselves, lest you too be tempted.” This verse contains at least five principles for dealing with the faults of other people.

Be Honest About the Fault

There are such things as faults. In the context, Paul is probably dealing with something into which a person has fallen that will bring reproach on the name of Christ and the testimony of His church. Other believers in the assembly are not simply to ignore it and hope it will disappear. They are to recognize it for what it is—a fault. The word means “a false step, a blunder, a mistake or an error.” It was probably not intentional or premeditated, but it was something that simply caught him off guard. That is the implication of the words “caught in.”

While Paul’s primary reference was probably to sin, the words he chose can apply equally well to all those irritating faults we see in one another. Our friends and mates normally are not trying to slight us, hurt us, irritate us, embarrass us or exasperate us on purpose. But they do it nevertheless. They may not realize they are doing it. They may not know how they ought to be acting or what God expects of them. They may not understand that He wants them to be more considerate of and concerned about the well-being of others than of themselves. But they are still guilty of a fault. They are falling short of God’s standard for their lives.

It is important to note that we are not talking about the little idiosyncrasies that grate on us, the habits that inconvenience us or get on our nerves. We are referring to a fault, something God wants to change. Be honest about it. Recognize it for what it is.

Some of us think it is more spiritual to ignore it and quietly put up with it. In reality, we are probably afraid that saying something will lead to an argument and that will only make us feel more unloved and rejected, which would be worse than the fault. Or we convince ourselves that the other person wouldn’t understand what we are trying to say. We think the relationship will be better if we ignore it. That may be true if we really could ignore it, if we could forget that it ever happened. But usually we don’t. We let it eat at us. And our bodies keep score of the hurts we have suffered, and they make us physically ill. Or we let the resentment build and leak out in unexpected ways, corroding our relationships. Or it explodes in anger and unkind words that drive people away from us. Overlooking it is not the answer.

Furthermore, to allow ourselves to go on being manipulated or victimized by the faults of other people is to condone their selfish and sinful behavior, which will probably be directed at somebody else very soon (if it has not been already). So for the sake of the offender and our relationship with him, as well as for the protection of others who might be hurt, we need to stop making excuses for him and stringing along with him, hoping things will get better. We need to be honest about his faults and confront him. But wait just a minute before you open your mouth. There is a condition you must meet first.

Prepare Your Own Heart

Paul calls the ones who are qualified to deal with the faults of others, “you who are spiritual” (Galatians 6:1). That does not mean we have to be perfect before we can confront anyone about their faults. No one would ever do it if that were the case. It means that our lives have been dominated by the Holy Spirit of God. We have been walking in the Spirit for awhile. We have given evidence that the Spirit of God has been filling and controlling our lives. The spiritual person is sensitive to God’s will, obedient to His Word, motivated by a desire to please Him rather than self, and allowing the Holy Spirit to produce His fruit in his life.

Letting the Spirit of God control our lives is going to help us approach the person in a manner that can bring healing instead of hurt and conflict. If we were honest, we probably would admit that we are often motivated to confront others about their faults in order to vent our own anger, irritation or jealousy, to get even with them for something they have done, to remove some personal inconvenience, to make ourselves look better than they are, or maybe to defend ourselves. Those motives are not prompted by the Holy Spirit and will probably lead to strife. The spiritual person is motivated by love. He wants to build the other person up rather than tear him down. He wants to strengthen the relationship rather than win a point. The “I win, you lose,” or “I’m right, you’re wrong” approach will make the other person want either to fight or to withdraw; either way, both lose. But when we confront in love in order to build others up, they sense that love, and it becomes the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down.

Furthermore, the spiritual person also will have earned the right to be heard. His track record reveals that while he is not perfect, he has been growing. He has been letting the Spirit of God shape him up. He is not trying to pick specks out of the eyes of other people when he has logs stuck in his own. He’s dealt with his logs. If we want to talk to anybody else about their faults, we need to be working on our own first. We need to prepare our own hearts and lives. But now that we’re ready to confront, we must know what the goal is.

Aim at Restoration

“Brethren, even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one …” (Galatians 6:1). The word restore means “to put in proper condition.” Outside the New Testament, to restore meant to set broken bones and dislocated limbs. In the Gospels it was used in regard to mending fishing nets (Matthew 4:21; Mark 1:19). The purpose for fishing nets is obviously to catch fish. If the nets are torn, they will not catch many fish. The fish will just swim out through the holes. Torn nets need to be mended.

One of God’s purposes for my life is to bring people to Christ and to minister to the needs of others—my wife, my children, and other members of the Body. When my life is torn by faults, I am not going to minister to many needs. I must be mended. And that mending will not normally take place unless I am confronted about my faults.

The New Testament uses two primary words to describe that confrontation. One is admonish. It means literally “to put in mind,” but it has the idea of facing someone with his faults and warning him of the consequences of continuing on his present course. Scripture says we are to admonish one another (Romans 15:14; Colossians 3:16). The purpose is obviously not for us to win a point, get one up on another person, prove that we are right and he is wrong, or pin blame on him. The purpose is to bring restoration to that erring one, and healing to our relationship. It is to mend the nets. “Admonish the unruly,” Paul said to the Thessalonians (1 Thessalonians 5:14). That was intended to restore harmony to the assembly.

The second New Testament word for confrontation is rebuke, often translated “reprove.” It means “to bring to light, expose, set forth; to convict or convince.” It refers to telling an offender his fault so that he is convinced of it and wants to correct it. It is the word Jesus used in a helpful passage about confronting an offending brother: “Go and reprove him in private” (Matthew 18:15).³ Again, the purpose is not to make us look good and him look bad, but to restore a right relationship between us—to mend the nets. “If he listens to you,” Jesus added, “you have won your brother.”

Suppose you as a Christian wife are fuming at your husband as you ride home from a party. The atmosphere in the car is so thick you can cut it. He flitted from one person to another all evening, mostly female, and left you to fend for yourself. He never so much as spoke to you all evening. You’re thinking about what you want to say. “Boy, you really made a fool of yourself tonight. Everybody saw what a big flirt you are—Mr. Casanova. Wowing all the ladies! You don’t care two cents about me, do you?” Is that really what you want to say? Will those words restore? Hardly! They will let him know what you think. But they accuse and blame. And they will probably be the battle cry for an all night war. They fail to heed the next principle.

Maintain the Proper Attitude

Paul explained how we are to restore the believer taken in a fault. It is to be “in a spirit of gentleness” (Galatians 6:1). Gentleness is consideration of others even when they wrong us. It enables us to restrain ourselves when our human natures tell us to strike back at them, to hurt them just like they have hurt us. It keeps us from attacking them even when we have the weapons to win. It is strength in control, like a mighty stallion held in check with bit and bridle. It is the attitude that restores.

The communication experts are consistent with God’s Word on this point. They have been telling us for years that we should refrain from making accusations when we confront others. That is what gentleness does. One way we can accomplish that is by focusing on what we are feeling and what we desire instead of on what the other person has done wrong. We do this by making what are called “I” statements rather than “You” statements. Let’s try some examples. How do these comments make you feel? “You are so inconsiderate.” “You don’t really love me, do you?” “You never talk to me.” “You sound just like your mother.” “You haven’t cooked a decent meal for six months.” “You think you have to run everything.” “You” statements usually constitute an attack on the other person’s self-worth. Attacks incite defensiveness, and defensiveness sets the stage for arguments.

But nobody can argue with “I” statements. Rather than “You’re not thinking about me when you work late,” try something like “I feel lonely and rejected when you work late. I very much want you to come home.” That explains how you feel and what you want. It doesn’t belittle. It doesn’t judge motives. Nobody can dispute what you feel or what you want, so there is nothing to argue about. We have confronted what we perceived to be a fault, but we have done it without attacking and accusing. We have done it in gentleness.

It might be good to remember that once we have expressed our desire to the other person, we leave the decision to fulfill that desire with him or her. Rather than lock them in the cage of our expectations, and try to force them to meet our needs by pressure or manipulation, we trust God to work in their hearts as He chooses. We endeavor to focus on meeting their needs rather than on their meeting ours.

A spirit of gentleness will also help us avoid manipulative questions that put people in traps, especially questions that begin with “Why.” “Why are you so lazy?” “Why don’t you ever help me?” “Why don’t you clean up your messy room?” “Why don’t you take better care of your things?” Nobody wants to answer questions like those. To answer is to admit the fault, and they may not be ready for that. Besides, no matter what they say, we’ll probably argue and tell them their reasons are not good enough. They can’t win and they know it. Questions like that are self-serving and anything but loving and considerate of others. They do not reflect gentleness. Questions are appropriate when our motive is to understand the other person more fully, but not when we use them to trap him.

Gentleness will help us maintain the right tone of voice as well. Our tone can be awfully incriminating. Some communications experts have estimated that 90 percent of the friction in daily living is caused by the wrong tone of voice. A Christian personnel manager who conducted a poll of employees discovered that they did not resent criticism from their supervisors so much as the way it was given—often maliciously, sarcastically, or harshly. We all prefer to be spoken to kindly and considerately.

Even our children appreciate being spoken to kindly. You can say to your child, “I’d like you to turn the light out when you’re finished.” Or, you can speak with disgust and sarcasm, “I’d like you to turn the light out when you’re finished!” It is not difficult to determine which one considers the child’s feelings and which one is designed to vent your frustration, which one will help build responsibility into his life and which one will build resentment. Whoever it is we are talking to, it might be wise to watch that person’s response. If we see antagonism, it would be good to play our words over again in our minds with the same tone and inflections. We will probably detect a lack of gentleness. That is the time to apologize, then say it again, gently.

Gentleness will also encourage us to see what some have called “the sandwich principle,” that is, sandwiching the suggestion between layers of praise. Jesus did that when he confronted the church at Ephesus. First He said He knew their toil and perseverance (Revelation 2:2,3). That is commendation. Then He faced them with leaving their first love (Revelation 2:4,5). That is confrontation. Finally He acknowledged that they did hate the deeds of the Nicolaitans (Revelation 2:6). That is commendation again.

That is a good model to follow. When we build a positive, accepting, approving relationship with people, one saturated with praise and commendation, they can respond more easily to our confrontation without feeling threatened or rejected. It is the considerate thing to do. It is the spirit of gentleness, and it mends nets rather than tears them to shreds. But Paul feels constrained to add one more thought to his formula for dealing with the faults of others.

Acknowledge Your Own Weakness

You should approach them “looking to yourselves, lest you too be tempted” (Galatians 6:1). There is no way we can properly confront others with an air of superiority. Biblical confrontation is just one sinner sharing with another something that might make them both better people and make their relationship with each other stronger and more satisfying. Suggestions are easier to take from someone who lets you know he has the same weaknesses you have.

But for the grace of God, we would be doing the same thing he is doing. In fact, we probably have. And we very well may again. Remembering that will keep us from a vindictive, condemning, and holier-than-thou attitude, and will help us maintain a gentle, kind and calm tone. Then the nets will be mended, and together we will fulfill God’s purposes for our lives—ministering to each other’s needs, contributing to each other’s lives and building each other up for the glory of the Lord.

3 See also 1 Timothy 5:20; 2 Timothy 4:2; Titus 1:9, 13; Titus 2:15; and Revelation 3:19.

Wouldn’t it be great if we Christians could always get along with each other? It seems as though we should. We have so much in common—one Lord, one revealed Word from Him, one Body of which we are all members, one common desire to glorify Jesus Christ, one common goal to share Him with others. And yet we seem to have a reputation for misunderstandings, disagreements, dissension and division.

We’ve all witnessed little cliques, gossip and hard feelings between Christians. We’re all aware of church splits, the formation of new denominations and the proliferation of para-church organizations, often overlapping in their aims and purposes. We’ve all observed crumbling marriages among professing Christians. We must admit that Christians do not always get along very well with each other. How can it be?

I would like to explore that question by examining an intense disagreement between two great and godly men in Scripture, close friends and fellow workers. It was a disagreement that resulted in the parting of their paths and the fracturing of their friendship. It is not a pretty story. In fact, it is rather sad. It never should have happened. But I for one, am glad it did, and I am pleased that the Holy Spirit was honest enough to tell us about it. It helps us to know that the great heroes of the faith were human, just like us. When we see what God did through them in spite of their weaknesses, we know there is hope for us. And by examining their mistakes, we also learn how to maintain harmonious relations with those around us.

A Genuine Friendship

Their relationship began in earnest when a great number of Gentiles in Syrian Antioch came to know Christ through the preaching of refugees from Jerusalem (Acts 11:19-21). That disturbed some of the leaders of the church in Jerusalem who were not ready to accept Gentiles into the fellowship of the church. They wanted to send someone to Antioch to investigate the situation. Barnabas was their obvious choice. He was a Jew of the tribe of Levi, so he knew the law and understood the Hebrew mind. He was raised on the Island of Cyprus, so he spoke Greek, understood the Gentile mind and would not inadvertently offend them. He was highly regarded as a good man, generous, gracious and godly (Acts 4:36,37).

It proved to be the right choice. Barnabas remained there and the work in Antioch prospered under his leadership. “Then when he had come and witnessed the grace of God, he rejoiced and began to encourage them all with resolute heart to remain true to the Lord; for he was a good man, and full of the Holy Spirit and of faith. And considerable numbers were brought to the Lord” (Acts 11:23,24). The work prospered to such a degree that Barnabas could not handle it any longer by himself. The believers in the church were too young in the Lord to be elevated to positions of leadership, so his only recourse was to reach outside for help.

He knew just the man. As far as we know, he had first met Saul of Tarsus in Jerusalem three years after Saul’s supernatural conversion on the Damascus road. Everybody else in Jerusalem was afraid that Saul had come to spy on them and lay plans for his next attack against them. But Barnabas believed in him, reached out to him, encouraged other leaders in Jerusalem to accept him (Acts 9:26-29), and a genuine friendship was born. After those days in Jerusalem, Saul returned to his home town of Tarsus, from which he penetrated all the surrounding Gentile areas with the gospel. Word kept filtering back of his powerful ministry (Galatians 1:23). Saul of Tarsus was the man Barnabas needed in Antioch. “And he left for Tarsus to look for Saul; and when he had found him, he brought him to Antioch. And it came about that for an entire year they met with the church, and taught considerable numbers; and the disciples were first called Christians in Antioch” (Acts 11:25,26). A great team ministry was born.

Together they served the Lord with great blessing. They seemed to fit together and complement each other perfectly. It was meant to be. When the church in Antioch decided to send relief money to the famine stricken Christians in Jerusalem, Barnabas and Saul delivered it together (Acts 11:30). Together they returned to Antioch (12:25), where three others had been added to the staff (13:1). But Barnabas and Saul continued to serve the Lord there, together.

When the Holy Spirit gave directions for the first organized foreign missionary thrust, we’re not surprised to hear Him say, “Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work unto which I have called them” (13:2). And they entered a new venture together. It was a fruitful ministry of evangelism and church planting—a magnificent spiritual success. What a team! They returned to Antioch to report what God had done, and then continued to minister there, together (Acts 14:26-28).

When the false doctrine of salvation by works began to infiltrate the church, these two men stood against it together (Acts 15:2a). When it was decided to send representatives to Jerusalem to confer with the apostles and elders about the problem, these two men were asked to go, together (Acts 15:2b). Together, they declared what wonders God had done among the Gentiles (15:12). And when a decision was reached and a letter was sent from the apostles and elders to the churches, it said, “It seemed good to us, having become of one mind, to select men, to send to you with our beloved Barnabas and Paul, men who have risked their lives for the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Acts 15:25,26). “Our beloved Barnabas and Paul!” That about says it all. They were genuine friends whose team ministry had brought great blessing to the church and inspired great admiration and affection. When they finished their assignment, they returned to Antioch and continued teaching and preaching the Word of God, together (Acts 15:35).

A Growing Tension

Two things happened during those years of team ministry which may have put a strain on their relationship —things we may easily overlook. First, the leadership of the team changed hands. There is no question about Barnabas being the original leader. He was the first pastor of the church of Antioch. He held the respect of the people there. He personally brought Paul in to help with the ministry. His name consistently appears first in those early years, for a reason. When the five members of the pastoral staff are listed in Acts 13:1, his name is first, Saul’s last. The Holy Spirit put him first in the call to missionary service (Acts 13:2), and he is still listed first as the journey progressed (Acts 13:7). He was the recognized leader.

But something happened on that journey. Away from the environment of Antioch where Barnabas was the recognized leader, Saul (now called Paul) began to assume the lead. His stronger personality and more prominent gifts seemed to make it a natural thing. He was the one who confronted a sorcerer named Elymas and kept him from further hindering the gospel (Acts 13:9-12). By the time they finished their ministry on the Island of Cyprus, Luke called the team “Paul and his companions” (13:13). It was now “The Apostle Paul Evangelistic Association.” That was quite a change, and rather sudden.

Paul’s leadership was even more evident in the synagogue at Pisidia (13:15,16). We hear no protests from Barnabas, nor do we see any outward indication of bitterness, resentment or hard feeling. But we must wonder if deep in his soul Barnabas did not feel a little hurt about it. Did he think Paul came on a little too strong, that he insisted on having things his way, that he failed to consider the feelings of others? Did he ever mention it to Paul?

The second incident that put a strain on their relationship was an isolated occurrence at Antioch shortly after the council at Jerusalem. We learn nothing about it in Acts, but Paul tells us about it years later in his epistle to the Galatians. Peter was visiting the church at Antioch and had conducted himself just as Paul and Barnabas did, without prejudice against the Gentile Christians. He entered freely into social contacts with them, ate with them and fellowshipped with them without restraint.

But when a group of Jewish Christians arrived from Jerusalem and expressed alarm over Peter’s behavior, he backed away and stopped eating with the Gentiles. While social equality was taken for granted in Antioch, it was still not accepted by these Judaizers, and Peter was afraid of the trouble they might cause him back home in Jerusalem. Paul called it hypocrisy (Galatians 2:13). And he was right. That is exactly what it was.

But the thing that hurt Paul most was that his dear friend Barnabas allowed himself to be affected by Peter’s hypocrisy. Paul later wrote, “And the rest of the Jews joined him in hypocrisy, with the result that even Barnabas was carried away by their hypocrisy” (Galatians 2:13).

Can you feel the emotion in those words, “Even Barnabas?” Paul could not believe it. How could Barnabas do that? He knew better. He understood the doctrines of grace, Christian liberty and the oneness of all true believers in Christ. He had been treating the Gentile believers in Antioch as equals for years. Now, for fear of what a few Judaizers might say about him in Jerusalem, he turned coward and left Paul standing alone. Could it have been Barnabas’ hurt over the change in leadership that made him turn his back on Paul so easily?

Barnabas surely recognized his mistake and repented. The wound would heal, but the scar would remain, leaving a strain on their friendship. We wonder if deep in his soul Paul did not harbor a bit of mistrust for Barnabas, Maybe he thought he was a bit wishy-washy, a compromiser. His mention of it in his letter to the Galatians reveals that he never really forgot it. We wonder if they ever talked it out, or whether they just ignored it, and hoped everything would be okay (as we so often do).

A Great Disagreement

If the feelings were there and Paul and Barnabas never owned up to them, honestly admitted them, or openly discussed them, you can be sure the stage was set for a violent disagreement. And that is exactly what happened a very short time later. Chronologically, the next turn of events in their relationship occurred immediately after Barnabas’ hypocritical actions at Antioch. “And after some days Paul said to Barnabas, ‘Let us return and visit the brethren in every city in which we proclaimed the word of the Lord, and see how they are.’ And Barnabas was desirous of taking John, called Mark, along with them also. But Paul kept insisting that they should not take him along who had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work” (Acts 15:36-38). It was a simple procedural matter. It seems so inconsequential, we would think that they could have sat down together, discussed the pros and cons, and come to a mutually agreeable decision. For example, “Let’s not take him on this trip, but maybe on the next one.” Or, “Maybe we can take him, but we should lay down certain prerequisites ahead of time.” Or, “Let’s talk to him about his previous defection and the seriousness of it, find out what was behind it and how we can avoid it next time.” Certainly some mutually agreeable solution could have been found.

But agreeable solutions are not usually found when unresolved feelings are already running deep. We have been hurt, and our hurt may have settled into a lingering, low-grade anger that we are probably not even willing to admit to ourselves. And now, even a minor disagreement becomes a major issue to us. We say to ourselves, “I’m not going to let him do that to me again. I’m going to take my stand right here, and I’m not backing down. If I let him take advantage of me this time, there’s no telling what he’ll try to do next.”

The Scripture says, “And there arose such a sharp disagreement that they separated from one another, and Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus. But Paul chose Silas and departed, being committed by the brethren to the grace of the Lord” (Acts 15:39,40). The Greek word for “sharp disagreement” is the basis for the English word paroxysm, which means “a sudden violent emotion or action.” There is no way to whitewash this dispute. It was not just a mild difference of opinion. This was a serious argument. Emotions erupted. Sharp words were exchanged. Maybe unkind accusations were hurled. The word involves irritation and anger.

This kind of contention occurs regularly among Christians—husbands and wives, parents and children, people at work, neighbors and leaders in the church. Friendships have been broken, families torn apart, churches split. What are the reasons? One is pride. We may be sure that our opinions are right and others’ are wrong. If our opinions are rejected, we may think that somehow reflects on our worth as persons. So we fight with every weapon at our disposal to win the argument and protect our self-esteem.

Another reason is inadequate information. We may be too quick to judge others. We form opinions on the basis of a few isolated experiences, or we believe somebody else’s assessment of them, and then we jump to conclusions about them and their motives. Once our judgment is formed, we tend to view almost everything else they say or do in that light, and use it to confirm our preconceived and prejudicial opinions. That can lead to repeated misunderstandings. We assume that because someone’s motives were wrong in the past, they must be wrong now. We refuse to believe that people can grow and change.

But one of the most common reasons for contention among believers is our notorious lack of communication, especially failure to share our feelings. We find that it is easier to accuse, reprimand or condemn others for what they have done, to argue over trivialities or insist on our own way, than it is to admit honestly our feelings of hurt, insecurity, inferiority, anxiety, fear, selfishness or jealousy. We do not want to look bad, so we cover up those feelings.

If we want to avoid angry arguments like this, there are some things we will need to do, and the first is to learn to admit to our feelings and to talk about them. “I felt hurt when you did that. But I want things to be right between us. Can we talk about it?” “I felt put down when you said that. Would you explain to me what you meant?” When we refuse to talk, and instead, let the hard feelings seethe, the explosions are sure to come. Don’t put if off. Talk! Openly, honestly talk! Not about what the other person has done wrong, but about what you are feeling. There is no evidence that Paul and Barnabas did that.

Another thing we need to do is to allow for differences of opinion. God did not make us all from the same mold. We have different backgrounds and we think differently about things. If God can accept all of us with our differences, certainly we can learn to accept each other. On clear biblical issues, we cannot compromise. But most issues are not matters of right or wrong. We cannot say dogmatically that either Paul or Barnabas was right or wrong. The church seems to have put its official sanction on Paul (Acts 15:40). But that does not mean the church refused to approve Barnabas. It simply means that Paul was recognized as the leader now, even at Antioch. The rest of the story in Acts is about Paul, but that was only proper since he was the leading figure in the church. The Spirit of God does not tell us who was right or wrong.

Paul had a point. It is disheartening when someone on whom you are depending lets you down as Mark did. But Barnabas had a good point also. None of us is perfect; not Paul, not Peter, not Barnabas, not Mark nor anybody else. Everybody deserves an opportunity to prove himself. The question is not, “Who is right or who is wrong?” But rather, “How can we work together in Christian love to do the job God has committed to us?” God wants us to learn the grace of tolerance for one another. Paul and Barnabas seem to have lost it.

One more thing—be quick to forgive. We are all human. We are going to let our old sin natures and psychological hang-ups get the best of us at times, and we are going to say the wrong things in the wrong way. We need to be patient and understanding with each other, and willing to forgive. We all do foolish things once in awhile. We want people to forgive us when we do, so we will need to extend the same courtesy to them. Paul and Barnabas failed on all of these counts.

A Good End

The most encouraging part of this story is the assurance that our sovereign God is in control of the whole situation. Satan was at work, sin natures were flaring, but God is omnipotent. He could have changed the circumstances somehow to circumvent the conflict, but He permitted it, and He did what He always does for those who love Him. He worked it together for good.

For one thing, it became a growing experience for the people involved, particularly for Paul. He was given to strong reactions (see Acts 23:3; also 17:16 where the verb form of the same word, “sharp disagreement,” is used). But God was working on this weakness in him. Some time later he wrote love “is not easily provoked” (1 Corinthians 13:5, KJV, and again, he used the verb form of the same word). I cannot help but think that when he wrote those words, he was reflecting back to this unhappy occasion. The argument helped him see his weakness and to claim God’s power to love.

Another beneficial thing God did through the conflict was to send out two missionary teams instead of one. While this was not the best way to accomplish that goal, maybe it would not have been achieved any other way. So while the argument itself did not glorify God, the ultimate result did. God can do that for us, too. He can find a way to use even our stupid and selfish blunders to glorify Himself. That is no excuse for sinning, but it certainly encourages us as we remember the blunders we have made.

One of the most obvious and important results of the disagreement was that a life was salvaged for God’s usefulness. Only God knows what would have happened to Mark if Barnabas had not taken him under his spiritual supervision and nurtured him in his faith. Even Paul later admitted that Mark was profitable to him for ministry (2 Timothy 4:11). It is encouraging to know that God can use our mistakes as well to accomplish something beneficial in our lives or in the lives of others.

While there is no evidence that Paul and Barnabas ever resumed the kind of close relationship they once had, the bitterness was washed away and they came to respect one another deeply again. Paul later spoke kindly and admiringly of Barnabas (1 Corinthians 9:6). And I am confident that there has been a grand reunion in heaven.

But let’s not wait until then. Let’s learn to be open and honest with each other about our feelings right now, to talk more freely about them, to accept and love one another even when we differ, to avoid judging other people’s motives, to be tolerant of one another’s differing opinions, and to forgive one another quickly when old sin natures do hurtful things. Then marriages will be healed, friendships restored, feuding Christians reconciled, churches strengthened and God glorified.

Most of us Christians want to get along well with the significant people in our lives—our families, friends, neighbors, fellow workers and fellow believers. We would like to know there are good feelings between us, to enjoy a pleasant sense of oneness and togetherness.

Did you know that God wants exactly the same thing for us? It is expressed in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians. In the first three chapters he shows us how much God loves us and what He has done for us, particularly how He united us together in one Body. Then Paul begins the second half of the book by saying, “I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all” (Ephesians 4:1-6). Do you get the point? There is a built-in oneness in the Christian faith that can now be expressed in our relationships with one another. We should be able to get along with each other in love and peace, and enjoy a sense of togetherness because we are one in Christ.

It’s strange, isn’t it? We know what God wants, and we know that the structure for it exists. Yet we have so much difficulty practicing it. Instead, we have disagreements and hard feelings. We see husbands and wives fussing with each other, parents and children quarreling, Christian neighbors feuding, church members on the outs with one another. How can we change that? How can we learn to get along with each other?

The fourth chapter of Ephesians, probably more than any other in the New Testament, helps us answer that question. For one thing, God gives us spiritual gifts by which we can minister to one another and help one another (vv. 11-12). That will bring us to unity and Christlikeness (v. 13), which enables us to be built up in love (v. 16).

But that is not the entire answer. As the chapter progresses, it becomes increasingly clear that in order to get along with each other we will need to make some changes in our lives. We will need to live differently from the way unbelievers live, from the way we used to live before we met Christ (v. 17). The provision has been made. When Christ died on the cross He dealt with the old nature which is dominated by sin and self. He robbed it of its authority over us (v. 22), and He gave us a new nature which is patterned after His own (v. 24).

With that provision, we now have the potential for making the changes that will help us get along with each other. But there are still some things we must do in order to make this potential real in our daily experience. For one thing, we will need to renew our minds (v. 23), that is, feed into our minds God’s perspective on life generally. That will strengthen the control of our new natures over us. But we also will need to put aside the acts of our sinful nature consciously and choose instead to let our new Spirit-empowered nature act in each situation we face. We will need to reject the old way of acting and choose to let the Spirit of God act through us as He Himself wishes in each situation. We will need to put off the old and put on the new in each new circumstance we face.

Paul lists some of the areas in which we will need to do that by a series of contrasts—first the negative, then the positive. Put off lying and speak the truth (v. 25). Stop stealing and do an honest day’s work (v. 28). Do not speak corrupt words, but speak edifying words (v. 29). Put away anger, and be kind (vv. 31-32). It is interesting to note how many of these areas have to do with our speech. The key to getting along with each other is how we use our mouths. And right at the top of the list is truthfulness. If we want harmony in our relationships, we will need to tell the truth. “Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another” (v. 25).

The Meaning of the Command

To lay aside falsehood is to stop making any statements that are untrue, and stop acting in any way that deceives or leaves a false impression. There are any number of ways we can dabble in falsehood. For one thing, we can simply say what we know to be untrue.

Let me tell you about Henry, a man who struggles with his self-image. He longs to be viewed as a strong, wise, capable individual who has it all together, but he suspects that people view him as a loser. Rather than become all he can be by God’s power, and be happy with himself in that capacity, he finds it easier to present himself to be more than he is. He tells his wife how pleased the boss is with his work, when in reality he is on the verge of being fired. When he gets fired, he insists that he quit, and that he had to do it because his working conditions were so bad. Then he will keep telling her that he has a good prospect for a new job which is sure to materialize next week, when there really are no prospects at all. He tells his friends about the fantastic business deals he has in the making, but it is all fabricated to make him look better than he suspects he is.

That is the way many unbelievers live. It is part of their sinful natures. They inherit it from their father. Jesus said that Satan is a liar and the father of lies (John 8:44). And those who go on habitually lying are indicating that they are his children. God is the God of truth, and those who have His nature speak the truth. Lying lips are an abomination to Him (Proverbs 12:22). He hates a lying tongue (Proverbs 6:16-19).

That is not to say that a true Christian can never lie. Ananias and Sapphira were true Christians. But they had an obsession to appear better than they actually were. They wanted people to think that they were giving to the church the entire proceeds from the sale of their land. They didn’t actually say that. They just let people believe it. We can lie by silence too. But it is still lying. Peter said, “Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit?” (Acts 5:3). And we get an idea of how seriously God views the intent to deceive because he took both Ananias and his wife in death.

There are other ways we distort the truth. One is to exaggerate. Fishermen are not the only ones who do that, you know. Most of us take our turn. If we had any part in planning or running a meeting, we may find it advantageous to stretch the attendance figures a little. That makes us look good. We may exaggerate our contribution to any successful venture because we want people to think we are important. In trying to make a point, we may say, “A lot of people have told me …” when in reality, only one person said it, and maybe it was our husband or wife.

Another way we shade the truth is to tell only what suits our purpose. If we are involved in a confrontation with someone, we may find it to our advantage to slant the facts slightly to favor our own point of view, or tell only part of the story. A wife said to her husband, “The counselor said this never would have happened if you had done what you were supposed to do.” But she conveniently forgot to mention what the counselor told her she did to agitate the situation.

One of our most common forms of lying as believers involves the way we cover up the shortcomings in our lives and pretend everything is all right when it isn’t, and the way we hide our true feelings to appear more spiritual. Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. I don’t think the Scripture is advocating that we reveal all of our past mistakes and secret sins to every other Christian we meet, nor express our emotions in an unrestrained way. That will do nothing but drive us apart. But to be candid about it, most of us live behind masks.

We don’t want people to know what’s going on inside us because, as John Powell so skillfully pointed out, we are afraid they won’t like what they see and maybe they will reject us.⁶ We hide our true self, and say just what we think will create the kind of image we want to project. We avoid sharing our feelings of hurt, anger, jealousy, inferiority, frustration or depression, convincing ourselves that it would be better for our image if we keep them to ourselves. But they affect the way we treat each other and they hinder our ability to get along with each other.

We hold our conversations to the cliche level: “Hi, how are you?” Or to the fact level: news, weather, sports and unfortunately, people. Occasionally we will rise to the idea and opinion level, so long as we don’t think our opinions will alienate the people we want to impress. But seldom will we share our feelings, and rarely will we develop a relationship with anybody where we can be totally honest about what is going on in our lives. The risk is too great.

So my wife and I may be drifting apart. But I’m not going to tell you about it. It will distort the image I want you to have of me. I may be losing my temper with my children, but I’m not going to say anything about it. You may think less of me. I may be struggling with alcohol, drugs or impure sexual desires, but I can’t possibly let anyone know. It could cause me to be rejected by the very people I want to respect me. I may be feeling depressed and down on myself. But I don’t want to admit it because it doesn’t sound spiritual.

We surely do not need to tell everyone all about our feelings, our problems and our faults. That would be presumptuous and boring. But we can stop living a lie. We can share with those who genuinely care that we are having problems and need their prayers. We can be honest with at least one close friend who will encourage us, advise us, pray for us and hold us accountable for the changes we need to make.

That accountability may be one of our main reasons for hiding the truth. To share the problem obligates us to change, the very thing we have resisted so long. But God says one reason we should speak the truth is because we are members of one another (Ephesians 4:25). That seems to be a strange reason. He doesn’t remind us of the nature of our God, though knowing a God of truth is a good reason for being truthful. He doesn’t point out the damage our lying does to the testimony of Christ to the lost, though that is a good reason. He uses the great truth of our union with each other in the Body.

Because we are all members of one Body, we are members of one another. My finger is a member of my hand, and my hand is a member of my arm, and my arm is a member of my torso, to which both my head and my legs are also connected. Ultimately, every member of the body is a member of every other member. God put them all together in such a way as to function harmoniously and successfully.

If the members of my body start lying to each other, they won’t get along very well and the whole body will suffer. If my eyes see a rut in the road, but they tell my feet that the road is smooth, one of my feet may get broken. Or if the hand tells the rest of the body that it is fine when in reality its nerve endings are dead, it will eventually destroy itself to the detriment of the whole body. The members of the body need each other, but they are of little value to one another if they are not honest.

Paul is saying that we are all members of one another. God has put us together to function harmoniously and effectively, and for that reason we need each other. But we will be of little value to each other if we are not honest.

Let’s go back to my friend Henry who has such a difficult time telling the truth. He and his wife are believers. They are one in Christ. They belong to each other. They are part of each other, one flesh. They need each other. But they are of little value to each other. In order to minister to one another there must be trust, and Henry’s wife has no trust in him at all. He has lied to her so often, that she never knows whether to believe him or not. He promises he will stop lying, but then she catches him in another untruth, so even his promise turns out to be a lie.

If he tries to reassure her of his love, or encourage her about the future, she finds no consolation at all in his words. How can she ever be sure he is telling her the truth? His attempts to minister to her will be rebuffed. Her hopes will be raised, then dashed to splinters. Her resentment will build. Arguments will become frequent. Their relationship will never improve until Henry puts away lying and establishes a habit of telling the truth.

He has a problem with his friends at church, too. They don’t trust him either and they doubt much of what he says. Can you imagine him trying to teach a Sunday school class? Or counsel a believer with a problem? They would never know what to believe. He can have no ministry in their lives.

He has a problem with them as well. Since he thinks nothing of distorting the truth, he suspects that others do the same thing. So he doesn’t believe much of what they say to him. He even has a problem accepting what his pastor says when he expounds the Word of God. If there are many others like him in his church, you can be sure it is a sick assembly, and will soon be a contentious one, for suspicion and distrust are the seeds of conflict. Let us heed the exhortation of God’s Word: “Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another” (Ephesians 4:25).

What about the other side of dishonesty—living a lie, hiding behind a facade, pretending everything is right in our lives when it isn’t, hiding our feelings? How does that affect the Body? For one thing, it discourages others who watch us. They know their lives are not perfect, and if they think ours are, they usually conclude that we are somehow different, in a separate category of super-saints to which they can never attain. They tell themselves they can never be like us so there is no reason to try. It alienates them from us and keeps them from coming to us for help. Far from rejecting us for our truthfulness, people usually respect us more, and derive great encouragement from knowing that we struggle with the same weaknesses as they. And they will be able to take advice from us more readily when they know that we have been there. They know that we are aware of what it is like. Truthfulness will help us minister to each other more effectively.

In recent years Mary and I have had the privilege of ministering to missionaries on more than a dozen different fields. In each conference we have taken a session to share the platform and briefly recount the story of our lives, warts and all. We have told of the struggles we have encountered in learning to get along with each other, the arguments and conflicts we have endured, and our failure to meet each other’s needs. In every case, our honesty has helped the missionaries relate more effectively with us and has opened opportunities for counsel. A number of them have said, “We have had the same kinds of problems, but we never told anyone. What would our supporters back home think if they ever found out? Thanks for being honest.”

Not only does our deceitfulness make it impossible for us to minister to others, but it makes it impossible for them to minister to us. Let me illustrate. We seldom go to a doctor unless we have admitted that we are sick. He cannot help us unless we are willing to acknowledge that something is wrong and tell him what hurts. The same thing is true in the spiritual realm. God put the Body together in such a way so that each member can minister to other members. But if we refuse to admit our needs, we cut ourselves off from the help which the rest of the Body can provide. They cannot minister to needs of which they are not aware.

If I have a marital problem, you cannot help me work it out unless you know about it. To cover it up would be like a broken thumb saying, “I don’t want the rest of the body to know I’m broken. I’ll straighten myself out without their help.” That is absurd. A broken thumb cannot straighten itself out without help from the rest of the body. And neither can we work out most of our problems without help from the rest of Christ’s Body. Problems will just hang on, making us more edgy and irritable and less able to get along with each other. Truthfulness will help us minister to each other more effectively, and improve the spiritual health of the entire Body.

Another detrimental effect of dishonesty about our feelings and faults is that it keeps us from understanding ourselves. Psychologists tell us that we only understand as much of ourselves as we share with others, and I have found it to be true in my own life. The more of my inner life I share with my wife, the more I begin to understand myself. If we are not transparent with others—have never verbalized our hopes and fears, values and priorities, dreams and aspirations, failures and discouragements, joys and sorrows, needs and wants, feelings and frustrations—we probably do not fully understand ourselves, and therefore we are not growing.

Just admitting what is going on inside of us can help us grow. If I must keep saying, “I feel angry with you,” eventually I may have to admit that I am expecting too much from you and have never committed my expectations to God. If I must keep saying, “I feel hurt when you say that,” I may have to admit that I am overly sensitive about inconsequential things. When I admit that, I will begin to change. And as I grow, I will be of greater help to others in the Body, and the whole Body will function more harmoniously.

Maybe you are beginning to grasp the importance of truthfulness. It can help bring happiness and harmony to our relationships. We need to begin to put off the old way of life and put on the new, lay aside falsehood and speak the truth, for we are members of one another.

6 John Powell, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? (Niles, Illinois: Argus Communications, 1969).

It’s Saturday afternoon. You’ve spent all day cleaning house for company on Sunday—vacuuming carpets, scrubbing floors, scouring sinks, polishing appliances. Now it’s ready for the white glove inspection—but that’s not quite what happens. Instead, your teenaged daughter buzzes in from the beach with a cheerful “Hi, Mom,” and proceeds to walk the length of the house leaving a trail of sand behind her.

Before you have a chance to open your mouth, your husband comes in from the garage where he has been fixing the transmission in his car, and with his greasy hands he managed to redecorate the kitchen sink, the refrigerator and two cabinet doors, in that order. As though perfectly planned and orchestrated by someone who hates you, ten-year-old Johnny, at that precise moment, loses his grip on a muddy bullfrog he has just brought in from the yard. It plants its marks squarely on your newly-upholstered white living room sofa.

The explosion is violent—your worst in months. You scream, call them names, accuse them of being inconsiderate and uncaring, complain about your status as a slave and threaten to walk out on them. They make you so mad!

The eruption is over now. The air is quiet and still, but tense. Everybody seems to be avoiding you. You feel lonely and rejected, and very guilty. You did it again; you let your anger get out of control, and it’s alienating the people you love.

Anger! Some have called it the greatest curse on interpersonal relationships. Dad may be the angry, hostile one in the family. He rants and raves if somebody interrupts his television viewing or newspaper reading, or leaves his tools out to rust. Maybe one of the kids blows his fuse if he doesn’t get his way.

Home is not the only site for exhibitions of anger. We see it on the job, in the neighborhood, on the playing field, even in church board meetings and congregational business meetings.

What is God’s perspective on anger? Let’s look at His Word, find out what anger is, what it does and how we ought to deal with it.

What Anger Is

The dictionary defines anger as “a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism.” The major Old Testament word is the same word used for the nostrils. Anger is often revealed by the appearance of nostrils, or by heavy breathing. There are two primary New Testament words, one referring to a passionate outburst, and the other to a settled and lingering frame of mind. God isn’t very happy about either one. He tells us to get rid of both. “Let all … wrath and anger … be put away from you …” (Ephesians 4:31; see also Colossians 3:8).

But the strange thing is that God tells us in the very same context to be angry. “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). It is actually imperative in the Greek text, not “In your anger do not sin,” or “When angry do not sin” as some translations render it, but literally “Be angry.” God gets angry about some things, and Christians should, too.

Jesus gave us an example. There was a needy man in the synagogue. He had a paralyzed hand which Jesus could heal. The Pharisees were watching Jesus, hoping He would heal the man so they could charge Him with breaking the Sabbath. “And after looking around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, He said to the man, ‘Stretch out your hand.’ And he stretched it out, and his hand was restored” (Mark 3:5). Jesus was angry with the hypocrisy that considers slavish bondage to man-made religious rules to be more important than showing mercy to a person in need. So He did the loving, caring thing and healed the man, even though it was contrary to their rules. That kind of cold, calloused insensitivity which masquerades as spirituality ought to make us angry too, as should evil and injustice of every description. That is God’s kind of anger, righteous anger.

What is the difference, then, between righteous anger and sinful anger? We might suggest several distinctions. For one thing, righteous anger is always unselfish while sinful anger is selfish. It occurs when our desires, our needs or our ambitions are frustrated, when our demands are not met, when our expectations are not realized, when our well-being is threatened, when our self-esteem is attacked, or when we are embarrassed, belittled or inconvenienced. “Why doesn’t she do what I tell her to do?” “Why doesn’t he clean up his mess when he’s finished?” Those things inconvenience us.

A second difference is that righteous anger is always controlled while sinful anger is often uncontrolled. It causes us to say and do things we are sorry for later, things we never would have said or done had we been in control.

A third contrast is that righteous anger is directed toward sinful acts or unjust situations while sinful anger is often directed against people. God wants us to hate the sin but love the sinner, just as He does. And that means treating the sinner in kind and caring ways. Sinful anger lashes out against people.

A final distinction is that righteous anger has no malice or resentment, and seeks no revenge. In fact, it takes positive action to right wrongs and heal divisions and disagreements. Sinful anger, on the other hand, harbors bitterness and seeks retaliation. “He’s not going to get away with that.” So we make him pay. The angry tirade itself is designed to punish him, as are the cutting and sarcastic remarks, or the silent treatment that follows, or the malicious gossip we spread, or the way we try to alienate his friends from him. Sinful anger wants to hurt, even destroy.

God wants us to be angry, but over the right issues, at the right times and in the right way. He wants us to get rid of all sinful anger. If we are honest, we would probably admit that less than 2 percent of what we display is righteous anger, while the other 98 percent is sinful anger. It is that sinful anger we want to deal with in the remainder of this chapter … those sinful, selfish, spiteful feelings we express toward people who displease us.

What Anger Does

If somebody grabs you and begins yelling at you angrily because you accidentally stepped on his toe, a number of physiological changes will begin to take place in your body immediately. Adrenaline will pump into the bloodstream. Blood pressure and heartbeat will increase. The pupils will dilate and the muscles will tense. It is the body’s way of readying itself for sudden crisis. That response is involuntary. It will happen whether you want it to or not. It may be a mixture of surprise, fear, anxiety and anger, but that anger is not sinful. God built the capability to respond that way into your being. The question is, what will you do with that initial wave of anger? The choice is now yours to make. You have a few moments to evaluate the situation, process the data and formulate your response. What will it be?

If you decide that the situation warrants venting your anger, that you would be justified in expressing it, you will probably yell right back, insist it was an accident, or that it was really his own fault. Some psychologists say it is good for us to vent our anger, get it out and release the pressure. The problem is that venting it tells the body to maintain emergency status, so it keeps more anger flowing. Furthermore, it establishes more deeply in our brain cells the habit of reacting angrily, and it makes it more difficult to put away all sinful wrath and anger, as the Bible tells us to do.

Furthermore, if we allow that emergency state to continue, it reduces our ability to reason clearly, and ultimately upsets the chemical balance in our bodies and makes us physically sick. Doctors suggest that things like migraine headaches, thyroid malfunction, ulcerative colitis, toxic goiters, high blood pressure, ulcers, heart attacks, backaches, rheumatism, arthritis, allergies, indigestion, asthma and many other illnesses can be emotionally induced.

But equally serious is the fact that we will alienate people from us, often the people we love the most. They are the ones on whom we make the greatest demands, from whom we have the highest expectations. Consequently, they become the objects of our fiercest anger. It is unrealistic to hurl angry accusations at our loved ones, then expect them to shower love on us in return. They are human too. And a basic human principle revealed in Scripture is that anger begets anger. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger pacifies contention” (Proverbs 15:18). “An angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression” (Proverbs 29:22).

There is a great deal of contention and strife in Christian churches and homes today because God’s people have not dealt with their anger. We hear people say, “But getting angry is the only way I can get any action.” So they go on yelling at each other and excusing it. But God’s Word says “… the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). We are not really teaching anything by our anger except a poor example that will adversely affect generations to come.

How to Deal With Anger

There are some harmful ways to deal with anger. We have already mentioned its unrestrained expression and the damage that does. But there are others. One of the most common ways for Christians to handle it is to deny it. We tell ourselves that Christians aren’t supposed to be angry. I’m a Christian, so naturally, I’m not angry. I’m concerned, hurt, disappointed, a wee bit upset, but not angry.

My image as a spiritual Christian requires that I not be angry, so I deny it, or I repress it and drive it deep down inside where it eats at my organs, makes me physically sick or causes me to get depressed. I store it up until the pressure gets so great that it explodes in a flare-up much out of proportion to the seriousness of the incident, or I hold it in until I can direct it at some less threatening object. My boss can fire me, so I don’t yell back at him. I go home and yell at my wife instead. And she yells at the kids. And they kick the cat. And the cat scratches the baby, whose developing lungs can make life miserable for everyone.

If we don’t let our anger explode, we may let it ooze out in subconscious ways, like being consistently late, or burning the supper, or avoiding people, or pouting, teasing, being sarcastic, forgetting to call or other such habits that let people know we are angry with them. Those things don’t accomplish anything constructive. There are better ways to manage our anger. Paul said to put it away. But how? That is the question that needs to be answered. Let me offer several suggestions.

The first thing we can do is to admit our anger honestly and accept full responsibility for it. That may be difficult to do if we have repressed it or denied it all our lives. But it is essential. Learn to ask yourself “What am I feeling right now? Am I angry with that person for what he has done?” Then admit it. Not, “You make me angry.” That is an attempt to pin the blame on others, and it is not fair to them. Nobody makes us feel anything! They are responsible for their actions, but we are responsible for our feelings. We choose to be angry. We could choose to forgive, to act kindly, to speak softly or to express humor. But if we choose to be angry, we should be willing to say so: “I feel angry when you talk to me like that.” We make no sarcastic remarks, no put-downs, no accusations, just an honest statement of fact. We feel angry.

It is amazing how much pressure is relieved by that simple, honest admission. Yet many folks have never thought about being that honest. They have never seen any model other than uncontrolled expression or stifling repression, so they do not know how to be honest. Paul says we are to speak the truth (Ephesians 4:25). James says we are to confess our faults to one another (James 5:16). Try it. And when you do, it might also be good to express your desire to overcome the anger. Say something like, “I don’t want to feel angry with you. I don’t like myself when I’m angry like this. I want to feel close to you and loving toward you.” That will also help to expedite the healing process.

A second suggestion for eliminating anger is to examine its cause. God would have us think carefully and deliberately before we speak too quickly. Many passages of Scripture allude to that (compare James 1:19; Proverbs 12:16; 14:29; 16:32; 19:11; 29:11). The answer is not to count to ten, but to think. The best thing to think about may be the reason for our anger. Almost all anger can be traced to our needs and wants. Two Christian psychiatrists suggest some common causes: (1) selfishness: our selfish demands are not being met; (2) perfectionism: our perfectionist expectations are not being satisfied, which makes us angry with ourselves and others; (3) suspiciousness: we misinterpret the motives or intentions of others. We think they are ignoring us, belittling us or contradicting us.⁸ We want people to treat us properly and we get angry when they do not, so an important step to resolving our anger is to identify exactly what we want from them.

Is it attention I want, respect, recognition, appreciation, consideration, love? Do I want to be listened to, to have my opinions regarded as worthwhile, my requests regarded as important? Do I want to be relieved of some of my responsibilities? Do I want my belongings handled with care? Do I want people to be more concerned about my feelings, or my convenience? We have all become angry because we expected someone to fulfill some want, and they failed. So identify the desire.

That leads to the third step in resolving the anger. Forgive others for their failure to meet our expectations. We really have no recourse but to forgive them when we realize how much God has forgiven us. And forgiveness can wash the anger right out of our lives. Anger is often an attempt to pay others back for wrongs they commit against us. But if we forgive, we pay for the wrongs ourselves. And since they are paid for, there is no reason to be angry anymore.

Some of us Christians struggle with anger because we have a weak understanding of God’s grace. We live in the realm of the Law, and think that somehow we must perform in order to be accepted by God. So we expect others to perform up to our perfectionist demands before we extend to them our acceptance. If they fail, we think we have the right to punish them with anger. God has accepted and forgiven us, not on the basis of our performance, but on the basis of His grace.

When we understand the immensity of our sin, and the vastness of His forgiving grace, we will stop trying to exact payment from others for all the petty little ways they fail to meet our expectations. We will be able to forgive, and our anger will dissolve. We shall deal more fully with forgiveness and its place in our relationships with others in a later chapter. But with that brief word, we should be ready for some preventative medicine.

Step number four in resolving our anger is to express our wishes openly. If we want something from those close to us, or feel that we need something from them, we should say so. Don’t play that old game of hide and seek: “If you loved me, you would know what I want.” Say it plainly, whatever it is. “Honey, I would like to go out to eat tonight ...” “It’s important to me that you throw your dirty clothes in the hamper.” “I’d like you to try to greet me cheerfully when I come home from work. It makes my whole day ...” “I want you to say ‘I love you,’ or ‘I’m sorry, I was wrong,’ or ‘Thank you.’”

Sometimes people fail to fulfill our wishes because they really do not know what they are. Some have protested when I have made this suggestion to them: “But I’ve told him a thousand times. It doesn’t mean anything if I have to tell him.” We may have whined, complained, nagged, and accused a thousand times. But that only arouses antagonism and resistance. We need to explain directly, calmly, kindly and lovingly what we want. And there is a difference! Try talking it through, sharing what you would like and why it is important to you.

And incidentally, it would be good if we would go through this whole process before bedtime—admitting our anger, examining its cause, forgiving the failures of the other person and expressing our wishes. Look at it again: “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). Don’t let resentments build up. Talk about the things over which you have gotten angry, and do it before the day is over if at all possible. When we let it linger, it has a way of getting buried in the pile of daily responsibilities and becoming the worm that spoils the relationship.

Maybe we should remind you again that now that you have made your wishes known, you should give others the freedom to fulfill them or not fulfill them. You want that freedom from them, don’t you? So extend the same freedom to them. Refuse to lock them into your expectations and demands, to manipulate them into conforming to your will, or to make them feel guilty if they fail. Commit all your expectations to God and let Him give you back through them the things He wants you to have. The Spirit of God will use that relaxed attitude of submission to help remove anger from your life.

A final suggestion for putting away sinful anger is to seek help from the Lord and from others. This is probably the most important step of all. Talk to God about your anger. Ask Him to give you a clearer understanding of its cause, a greater desire to overcome it, a willingness to forgive others and to yield your expectations to Him. Then invite others to help you overcome it by letting you know when they feel anger coming from you. I have asked my wife to do that, and much to my surprise at the moment, sometimes she does it. It stops me short. But I usually have to admit, “Yes, I am feeling anger right now.” Then I can ask God to help me resolve it, right there on the spot. It works wonders, when I remember to do it!

Anger is the work of the flesh, the old sin nature (see Galatians 5:19-20). It comes naturally. But God wants us to change, and He can help us. “Walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16). Live in God’s presence, depend on His power. Ask Him to make you aware of your anger and help you resolve it. Ask your spouse, your children and your friends to tell you when they sense anger in you, then turn to God for the victory-producing power which He makes available so that anger and wrath will be put away from you, just as God commands.

8 Frank B. Minirth and Paul D. Meier, Happiness Is A Choice (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1978), p. 150.