“Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing in the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, so they will not become disheartened” (Col. 3:18–21, NET).

What was God’s original design for the family?

Sadly, when thinking about family, many don’t have great memories. In the Scripture, there are only four chapters without sin (Genesis 1–2 and Revelation 21–22), and therefore even the Scripture has many tragic stories about families. It shows the devastating effects of sin on the family.

Adam and Eve sinned, and Adam responded by blaming his wife. They parented two male children, and one of the sons killed the other. Abraham, God’s chosen man, married two wives, breaking God’s design, and he eventually kicked one wife and her child out of the house. Jacob married several wives like his grandfather. His twelve sons eventually sold their younger brother into slavery. David too espoused many wives and his son raped his sister. Then the daughter’s brother, Absalom, killed the son that raped her.

When we consider the biblical narrative, we see many family relationships that were broken by sin. Today’s story is no different; sin still destroys family relationships, and therefore we don’t have great models of God’s design. In fact, today we even see the effects of sin in the redefinition of marriage. In some cultures men take many wives and in others homosexual marriage is acceptable.

What is God’s design for family, and how can we have the relationships God meant us to have? Are the relationships I have with my family a proper reflection of my heavenly standing in Christ?

Often, when a person comes to Christ there isn’t much change at all, but in Colossians 3 Paul says that one’s relationship with Christ should affect everything. He begins the chapter talking about the believer’s new position in Christ. Listen to what he says: “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God” (Col. 3:1).

When a believer was saved, he was spiritually identified with Christ. He died with Christ; he rose from the dead with Christ. He is now seated with Christ in heavenly places (Eph. 2:6). However, this position should not simply be a mental note or point of theology for a Christian; it should radically change his life.

It should change the way a person thinks. Paul says to think on things above and not on the things of the earth (v. 2). This position in Christ should affect every thought.

It should change the “clothing” we wear. Paul tells the church to take off the old clothing of sin and put on the new clothing of righteousness, which fits our heavenly position in Christ. Put on love, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, bearing with one another, etc. (vv. 5–14).

In Colossians 3:15–17, he describes the priorities of our heavenly position, the outer garments of every believer. The Christian must let the peace of Christ rule in his life. We should make every decision based on the reality of whether this decision will disrupt our peace with Christ and his body. We must let the Word of Christ dwell richly in us. It must be our desire to know the Word of God more daily and to allow it to overflow in our lives. We also must do everything in the name of the Lord. We must seek his glory in everything we do. These are the priorities of the heavenly citizen.

However, the questions remain, “What about our relationships? How should my position in Christ affect my family life?” In this lesson, we will see the responsibilities of the family members in God’s original design.

Big Question: What are the responsibilities of each member of the family according to Paul?

The Wife’s Responsibility To Her Husband

“Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18, NET).

First, we see the wife’s role. Paul says, “Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord.” The wife must submit to her husband because this is fitting or appropriate for her position in Christ.

The word submission often carries a nasty connotation in our society, but it must be noted that submission does not mean “inferiority.” “Submit” is actually a military word. The word simply means, “to arrange under rank.”¹ It means to “come up under.” A sergeant is not inferior to a captain. They are equal. However, to have order in the military, authority must exist in the relationship or chaos will ensue. In the same way, when God made the husband and wife relationship, he made it with order so that it would function properly.

Submission does not imply that the wife is less than the husband, for Scripture clearly proclaims the equality of all in Christ. Galatians 3:28 says, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

There is equality in Christ. However, our equality and unity in Christ does not remove our roles. What Galatians teaches does not change the fact that the slave was still supposed to submit to and obey his master (cf. Col. 3:22; Eph. 6:5). That was his role even though he was equal with the master in his standing before God.

Some in the liberation movement take Galatians 3:28 and pit Paul’s teachings against one another. They say women no longer need to submit to their husbands, or that women do not need to practice submission in the church (1 Tim. 2:12), because we are all one in Christ. This greatly damages the teachings of Scripture. They are meant to fit together and not contradict one another.

Interpretation Question: Why is the woman called to submit to the man? How is this reflected in the rest of Scripture?

The answer to this goes back to the creation story. Genesis 1:26–27 says,

Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.’ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

When God said, “Let us,” many believe this is a reference to the Trinity: God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit being one. When the Trinitarian God made man in his image, he made two people who would be “one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). In marriage, the male and female together as one are a reflection of the Trinity. How do we see this? We see this in God’s plurality and concurrent unity—three in one. In addition, a crucial aspect of his deity is authority and submission in the Godhead, which is also reflected in the marriage union. First Corinthians 11:3 says: “Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”

In this passage, we see the headship within God’s person. God is the head of Christ. Even though God the Father and God the Son are co–equal, the Son submits to the Father. He obeys the Father. In a similar vein, when God made male and female in his image, he put authority and submission in that relationship. The head of the woman, probably better translated “wife,” is man. The marriage relationship is a reflection of the Trinitarian relationship. This unity and authority in the marriage is a reflection of how mankind is made in the image of God.

With that said, sin terribly distorted the image of God in man. We do not reflect God as we should because sin has created a rebellion against God’s order. Romans 8:7 says, “The sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.” Man naturally does not want to obey God’s laws; sin has corrupted man and the nature of his relationships.

We see the effects of this corruption specifically in the marriage union right after the fall. Look at what God prophesies as a consequence to marriages in Genesis 3:16: “To the woman he said, ‘I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”‘

God says the woman’s “desire” would be for her husband. Does this mean that because of sin the woman would naturally want to serve her husband? Absolutely not! It actually means the opposite. We see this word used in Genesis 4:7 of sin in relation to Cain. God says to Cain, “Sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”

The word “desire” means that the woman would no longer innately desire to serve her husband but that she would seek to control her husband. She would seek to manipulate him in order to get her own way. Also, the man, instead of loving his wife as we will see in the next passage (Col. 3:19), would seek to rule. He would seek to dominate her.

Submission In The Context Of Love

One of the beautiful aspects of the Trinity is that God the Father does not dominate or force Christ to submit to him. Submission and authority happen in the context of God’s love for the Son. In fact, in 1 John 4:8, God is defined as love. It just says, “God is love.” In the context of this loving relationship, the Son submits.

In the same way, as a husband I am not called to demand that my wife submit to me. I am to love her, care for her, encourage her to grow in God, and serve her. My wife is to submit to me willingly. I cannot force it. That also would be a marring of the Godhead’s relationship.

At the fall, marriage was broken. Submission in the context of a loving relationship was destroyed, and as a result we see brokenness in the majority of marriages. Over fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. The wife tries to control the husband, and the husband tries to rule and dominate the wife. In fact, marriage is becoming redefined totally as no longer simply between one man and one woman. The image of God has been totally distorted and the consequences are disorder in our society. If the home is broken, then you can be sure the education system is broken, and the government is broken since the home is the foundation of society.

God started his building of a community on the earth with a marriage, and when the marriage does not work correctly everything else becomes distorted. The perfect model for a wife to emulate is the Lord’s submission (cf. 1 Cor. 11:3). He was never inferior or less in comparison to God the Father. However, he willfully and joyfully submits to the Father. In the same way, the wife must submit to her husband because this is fitting in the Lord.

Application Question: What are some common reactions in society to this teaching? Why is the submission of the wife to her husband so important?

The Husband’s Responsibility To His Wife

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them” (Col. 3:19, NET).

What about the role of the husband?

Paul says to the husbands that they should love their wives. Now, it should be known that in the ancient context this was a pretty radical statement. It pushed against the norms of society. William Barclay describes both the Jewish and Greek ancient context in reference to women in his commentary on Colossians. Look at what he says:

Under Jewish law, a woman was a thing, the possession of her husband, just as much as his house or his flocks or his material goods. She had no legal rights whatever. For instance, under Jewish law, a husband could divorce his wife for any cause, while a wife had no rights at all in the initiation of divorce; and the only grounds on which a divorce might be awarded her were if her husband developed leprosy, gave up his beliefs or sexually assaulted a virgin. In Greek society, a respectable woman lived a life of entire seclusion. She never appeared on the streets alone, not even to go shopping. She lived in the women’s apartments and did not join the men of the household, even for meals. Complete servitude and chastity were demanded of her; but her husband could go out as much as he chose and could enter into as many relationships outside marriage as he liked without incurring any social criticism. Under both Jewish and Greek laws and custom, all the privileges belonged to the husband and all the duties to the wife.²

In Jewish and Greek culture, the woman had little to no rights. She was a piece of property meant to serve the husband. Therefore, Paul’s teachings ran against the sway of Jewish and Greek society. The husband was commanded to love his wife, which was radical. Ephesians describes what the husband’s love should look like. He is called to love like Christ. Ephesians 5:5–28 says,

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Interpretation Question: What are characteristics of the husband’s love in Ephesians 5:25–28?

There are several characteristics of the husband’s love seen in this passage.³

1. The Husband’s Love Must Be Realistic.

The husband should have no unrealistic fantasies about the woman he is marrying. Christ loved the church and died for her while we were still enemies of God (Rom. 5:8). Christ knew she was sinful and disobedient. Yet, he still gave his life for her while knowing her faults. His love was realistic.

In a marriage, both mates should understand this reality. In fact, much of pre–marital counseling is destroying the false expectations set up through romantic comedies and Hollywood. The husband must love realistically; this woman has been infected by sin just as the man has. She must be reformed daily by God’s grace, and she must be loved through her faults. Scripture says, “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Having a realistic love is important for both mates, because if you don’t have it you will become disillusioned. I have no doubt that the reason the highest number of divorces happen in the first year of marriage is because most love is unrealistic.

2. The Husband’s Love Must Be Sacrificial.

He is to love her as Christ loved the church and be willing to die for her. It should be heard that if anybody feels like the wife’s role is unfair, they should give more thought to the man’s. It is much easier to submit to someone than to give one’s life for that person. This love that the husband is supposed to embody is impossible without the grace of God. To love sacrificially means the husband must at times give up other things to serve and please his wife. He must sacrifice for her. He must sacrifice time, entertainment, friendships, sometimes even career, etc., in order to love his wife.

3. The Husband’s Love Must Be Purposeful.

Christ’s love makes the church holy by cleansing her with the Word. Christ’s purpose is to make her the perfect bride. Similarly, the husband must love his wife through teaching her Scripture, getting her involved in a Bible-preaching church, encouraging her to get involved with small groups and ministries or areas where she can grow and serve. He must seek to cultivate not only her character but also her calling so she can fulfill God’s plans on her life.

He must discern her gifts and talents and encourage her in the use of those for the glory of God. This love also means at times admonishing her to help her know Christ more. It is a purposeful love. Every man should consider if he is ready and willing to love a woman this way before getting married. Is he ready to be a spiritual leader?

4. The Husband’s Love Must Be Personal.

He must love her as his own body. Every day the husband brushes his teeth, combs his hair, and clothes himself. Every day he maintains his body. Sadly, we often go days without maintaining our marriages. It is very easy to get so busy with life and ministry that we allow weeds to grow up in the garden of our homes. Love must be personal. We must love our wives like our own bodies, and daily we must take time to cultivate a happy home.

Submission and authority in marriage are ugly words in our society. However, there should be no issue with submission when someone loves us like this. Scripture says it is the love of God that brings men to repentance (Rom. 2:4), and the man must allow this love to transform his wife.

What should a man do when he has a wife who does not want to submit? Should he demand submission? Should he become bitter toward her?

Absolutely not. Paul commands the husband to not “not be embittered” against her (v. 19). It literally reads, “Stop being bitter.”⁴ No, he should love. Let the love of God flow through your life and break the heart that has been calloused by sin. Scripture says love is patient (1 Cor. 13:4). Patiently love this person and trust God to work on her heart.

What should the woman do when the man is not loving her and not seeking to lead spiritually?

She should continue to submit to him, pray for him, and love him. She should gently encourage him in the role of leadership, and she should be careful not to nag him. Let your chaste, godly conduct, and prayers change his heart. First Peter 3:1–2 says,

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

How can Christians have a happy marriage?

They must choose to build their marriage around biblical principles. The relationship must be built on submission and love. God has eternally dwelled in mutual relationships with the Son and the Holy Spirit with no divorce. He is the one who marriage models, and he is the one who knows how to fix it when it’s broken. Marriages are broken; we must come back to the Creator of marriage so they can be fixed. We must submit to his will and perfect plan.

Application Question: How does the Christian view of marriage conflict with the world’s understanding of marriage?

The Children’s Responsibility To Their Parents

“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing in the Lord” (Col. 3:20, NET).

Observation Question: What is the responsibility of children to their parents? Why is this authority so important? Are there any limits to this authority?

The next family relationship that should be affected by our new identity is the children’s relationship to their parents. The first question we must ask ourselves is, “Who does this word ‘children’ refer to?” This word “children” does not refer to any particular age group. It refers to any child still living in the home and under parental guidance.⁵ If they are still living at home or still being provided for by the parents, then this word would fit them. The reason Paul gives for obedience is to please the Lord. Because Christian children have a relationship with God, they should not be identified by disobedience to parents.

When Scripture talks about the pagan world that denies God, disobedience to parents characterizes it. It is listed as one of the forms of disobedience common to the pagan world in Romans 1:28–30.

Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. Slanderers, God–haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents.

Paul says that children disobeying parents marks a world where people deny God.

It should be noted that if a child does not obey his parents in everything and recognize their authority, then the child will not recognize other authorities. This is implied by Colossians 3:22, as the slaves receive the same command as the children except toward their masters. Slaves are called to obey their masters in everything. However, if a person never learns obedience in everything at home, he will struggle with disobedience for the rest of his life. A child who is disobedient to his parents will disobey every authority. He will disobey his teachers, he will disobey his boss, he will disobey the law, and he will disobey God, the ultimate authority (cf. Rom. 13:1–2).

The importance of obedience to parents is seen by it being in the Ten Commandments. It says, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you” (Ex. 20:12).

The command says to “honor your father and mother so that you may live long in the land.” In the Old Covenant, God promised that the children would live long on the earth if they honored their parents. This would be true as a natural consequence of obedience. As they obeyed their parents they would then obey and respect other authorities on the earth, bringing a long life. However, when they disobeyed their parents, they would then disobey all authorities as well, resulting in a shortened life. No doubt, this would also be true not only because of natural consequences, but also because of God’s sovereign blessing over children for simply obeying his commands.

The importance of this commandment is also seen in the drastic consequences promised to those who broke it. Since obedience to parents was the foundation to all authority, the slightest disobedience was strictly punished. Listen to the consequences given in the Old Covenant.

“Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death” (Ex. 21:17).

“If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head” (Lev. 20:9).

“The eye that mocks a father, that scorns obedience to a mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by the vultures” (Prov. 30:17).

Dishonor toward one’s parents was to be strictly dealt with. If disobedience to parents was allowed in society, then everyone would break the authority structure and there would be chaos. Thank God we are not under the Old Covenant, but the principles behind it still last. When the child and parent relationship breaks down, it is detrimental to the rest of society. Therefore, a child’s obedience to parents should be strongly enforced.

When we look at our world today, it is marked by a lack of authority. Children no longer obey parents, students have no respect for teachers, employees dishonor their employers, and everyone denies the authority of God.

Scripture declares that when society has gone to these extremes they will ultimately come under the curse of God and his judgment. Listen to the characteristics of Israel right before God judged them by Assyria: “Youths oppress my people, women rule over them. O my people, your guides lead you astray; they turn you from the path. The LORD takes his place in court; he rises to judge the people” (Isa. 3:12–13).

In Israel the youth were running the home. The parents were no longer exercising authority over them. However, this was not just happening in the home, it was happening in the rest of society. The youth were rebelling against all authority. No doubt the youth committed protests, riots, lewdness, and all kinds of evil as they oppressed society. The youth were running wild. Similarly, in many neighborhoods in the world today one cannot go out at night because of youth oppression.

You will typically find that when a revival starts, it often starts with youth, and many times on college campuses. Similarly, when society is in decay, it often also starts with youth. The youth begin to rebel against God’s authority. It is for this reason that Satan is always desperately trying to affect the way that our youth think. He attacks them through sexually charged and often rebellious music. He fills their brains with liberal thinking on many college campuses. The training of youth is very important and very strategic. Wise parents will make sure their children are properly trained in the Lord at home.

Again, Isaiah describes the state of Israel right before God judges them by Assyria and later by Babylon. He says, “Youth oppress my people, women rule over them.” The nation was far away from God’s original design. They also were far from God’s design in the roles of women (cf. 1 Cor. 11:3; Eph. 5:22–23; 1 Tim. 2:11–13). God says, “I am about to judge these people.”

I have no doubt that these characteristics would mark many of our historically great nations before God’s judgment fell upon them. Youth oppress the people; the adults live in fear of the youth. Women rule in the home, the church, and in society, instead of men being the leaders, as was his plan with Adam.

This is offensive to the world system, and it should be. The world is not the way that God designed it to be. The natural mind is antagonistic toward the things of God (Rom 8:7; 1 Cor. 2:14). Paul speaks to the children in the church and essentially tells them that the rebellion seen in the world should not mark them as Christians. Rebellion against authority does not fit our position in Christ.

Now, note that this obedience has limits. Children should not obey anything that would violate God’s Word or their consciences (cf. Rom. 14:23). Like the apostles, when commanded by the Pharisees to no longer preach in the name of Christ, they declared, “We must obey God rather than men!” (Acts 5:29b). Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

Application Question: How have you seen the rebellion of youth in society? Have you ever considered that this rebellion is a judgment of God that precedes a greater judgment from him (cf. Rom. 1:28–30; Isa. 3:12–13)?

An Implication For Youth Ministry

Before we go to Paul’s final exhortation to the members of the family, we should also notice something about youth ministry in the early church. Paul expected that children would be in the audience as this letter was read to the church. He speaks directly to the children, “Children obey your parents in the Lord.”

The early church met together as a family. It seems the early pattern for worship was for families to worship together and hear God’s Word together. Scripture never commands a clear model of youth ministry other than parents training them at home. However, it is implied both in the Old Testament and the New Testament that children were expected to be with the congregation during worship. For example, with Moses and Joshua, when the words of the covenant were read to the nation of Israel, the children were with the congregation. Consider Deuteronomy 31:9–3 and Joshua 8:34–35:

So Moses wrote down this law and gave it to the priests, the sons of Levi, who carried the ark of the covenant of the LORD, and to all the elders of Israel. Then Moses commanded them: ‘At the end of every seven years, in the year for canceling debts, during the Feast of Tabernacles, when all Israel comes to appear before the LORD your God at the place he will choose, you shall read this law before them in their hearing. Assemble the people—men, women and children, and the aliens living in your towns—so they can listen and learn to fear the LORD your God and follow carefully all the words of this law. Their children, who do not know this law, must hear it and learn to fear the LORD your God as long as you live in the land you are crossing the Jordan to possess’” (Deut. 31:9–13).

Afterward, Joshua read all the words of the law—the blessings and the curses—just as it is written in the Book of the Law. There was not a word of all that Moses had commanded that Joshua did not read to the whole assembly of Israel, including the women and children, and the aliens who lived among them (Josh. 8:34–35).

Let me encourage you: children going to children’s ministry or youth ministry during corporate worship is OK. But it is not necessary. There is something special about families worshiping and studying the Word of God together, and one should seek to have that as often as possible, in public worship, small groups, etc.

The younger generation has a great deal to offer adults as well as adults to children. Imagine if Israel had removed their youth such as Samuel, Jeremiah, David, Josiah, and Daniel, from public worship. They would have been very deficient. This is something to consider in the discipleship of your children. Though the church may give options to separate the youth during public worship, it does not mean that it is necessarily best.

Paul expected youth to be part of the service (cf. Col. 3:20; Eph. 6:1; 1 Cor. 14:23), and so did Moses and Joshua. This is something to be aware of and pray about as you disciple your children in the future. Statistics say that about seventy percent of youth, sometime between the ages of eighteen and twenty–two, drop out of church.⁶ We are losing our younger generation. Perhaps turning back to the model of family worship, as was the biblical expectation, could be one of the remedies.

Application Question: What are your views on how youth ministry is commonly run in the church where children leave the congregation? Should churches return to the model of “the whole assembly” gathering to hear the Word of God (cf. 1 Cor. 14:23)? Why or why not?

The Parent’s Responsibility To Their Children

“Fathers, do not provoke your children, so they will not become disheartened” (Col. 3:21, NET).

In still addressing the child/parent relationship, Paul speaks to fathers and commands them to not provoke their children lest they become disheartened or “lose heart,” as translated in the NASB. The word “provoke” can also be translated “embitter”.This is not simply referring to a child getting angry, for this is inevitable. It has to do with a deep–rooted, settled anger that stays in these children and affects their persons for the rest of their lives.

It also should be noted that the word “father” can also be translated “parents.” The same word is translated “parents” in Hebrews 11:23 when it says Moses’s “parents” hid him for three months because they saw he was not an ordinary child.

This sin is committed not only by fathers, though they might be most inclined towards it, but also by mothers. It is possible for a parent to so embitter a child that they become heartless and discouraged.

How do parents embitter their children? This can happen in many ways.

Application Question: In what ways do parents embitter their children?

1. Parents Embitter Their Children By Not Disciplining Them.

This is one of the quickest ways to develop bitter children. A spoiled child is a child that is thankless and bitter. Because they get their way all the time, they are bitter whenever any authority does not give them their way or when life becomes difficult. Solomon said, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him” (Prov. 22:15).

Parents embitter them by never driving the foolishness, the sin, out of their hearts through good discipline. Parents who do not discipline their children and instead gives them everything they want often become surprised when their children eventually rebel against them later in life. These spoiled kids want nothing to do with their parents. Sadly, this happens too much, even in the church.

2. Parents Embitter Their Children By Abusing Them Or Giving Improper Discipline.

When children are abused, either verbally or physically, it sows seeds of anger or hatred in their hearts. The anger sown into the hearts of these children is hard to get out. Many times these children abuse others because of the anger in them.

However, we see this not only as a result of abuse, but with improper discipline as well. When a parent does not wisely use his anger, it trains his child to unwisely use his anger as well. The parent becomes angry and curses at them, criticizes them, or even harshly disciplines them. Even if this punishment is just, the improper use of anger trains the child. The child learns, “When I am angry it is OK to curse; it is OK to hit somebody; it’s OK to go crazy.” He never learns how to properly control his anger, and therefore struggles with anger throughout his life.

The parent who disciplines his child in an angry spirit teaches him how to deal with anger. The child grows up fighting everybody, or holding grudges against anybody who failed him, because that is how he was trained.

Listen parents, telling your children to go to their rooms while you are angry can be a wise tactic. It gives you a chance to evaluate their sin, their motives, and your own heart. It allows you to teach them how to respond to their anger, and it also allows you to discipline them appropriately.

3. Parents Embitter Their Children By Neglecting Them.

Many children grow up bitter because their parents aren’t around. Consequently, they lack love and affection and therefore grow bitter because of that. Some parents neglect their children for work. They work long hours to achieve a certain amount of success, and this keeps them away from home. Ultimately, this hurts children both emotionally and spiritually.

Sadly, in our society many parents neglect their children by sending them away to extensive education programs. Many times these programs are meant to compensate for their lack of being around. It is not God’s will for teachers, coaches, or babysitters to raise children. That is why he gave them to their parents. Certainly, these people should play a role, but it is important for parents to be the primary influence on their children’s lives. Parents must be careful not to neglect their children.

We saw an example of neglect in the story of Absalom and David. David neglected his children, and this created such anger in Absalom that he eventually usurped David’s authority in the kingdom and essentially tried to kill him. One of David’s sons had previously raped Absalom’s sister and David did nothing. Absalom killed this brother and David did nothing. Absalom ran away from the kingdom and David did nothing. When Absalom came back to the kingdom after murdering his brother, David wouldn’t even visit him. This created anger in Absalom’s heart, which he tried to satisfy by seeking to kill his absentee father. David didn’t discipline him and didn’t encourage him. David did nothing but neglect his son and it had drastic consequences.

Many children have tremendous anger at a father or mother who neglected them. Parents, do not embitter your children. Prioritize them over your work, your church, your entertainment, and your social life. Let only God and your spouse come before them.

<4. Parents Embitter Their Children By Never Encouraging Them And Showing Them Affection.

We saw this in the story of Martin Luther whose father never encouraged him or showed him love. Listen to what commentator William Barclay said:

It is one of the tragic facts of religious history that Martin Luther’s father was so stern to him that, all his life, Luther found it difficult to pray: ‘Our Father.’ The word father in his mind represented nothing but severity. The duty of the parent is discipline, but it is also encouragement. Luther himself said: ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child. It is true. But beside the rod keep an apple to give him when he does well.’⁷

Healthy parents not only discipline their children but also reward them. Parents reward their children when they do well and discipline them when they do wrong. Children start to learn fairness by this balanced approach.

5. Parents Embitter Their Children By Showing Favoritism Toward Other Siblings.

We got a good picture of this in the story of Jacob and Joseph. Jacob gave Joseph the robe of many colors, showing his favor of this son above the other eleven. This embittered the older siblings against the father and against Joseph. Later, they kidnapped and sold Joseph into slavery out of their anger.

How often do siblings become embittered against one another because of unwise parenting practices? These children grow up disliking one another. “Mother always thought you were the prettiest.” “Dad always liked you because you were the smartest and most athletic.” This happens all the time.

It should be noted that these words from Paul were very challenging to this culture. Listen to what Barclay said:

In the ancient world, children were very much under the domination of their parents. The supreme example was the Roman patria potestas, the law of the father’s power. Under it, a father could do anything he liked with his children. He could sell them into slavery; he could make them work like labourers on his farm; he even had the right to condemn a child to death and to carry out the execution. All the privileges and rights belonged to the parent and all the duties to the children.⁸

Paul’s challenge to not embitter the children conflicted with common Roman practice. Listen to what else Paul said to fathers: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).

Instead of developing bitterness in them, parents must aim to train their children in the “instruction of the Lord.” We must treat these children as God would treat them. In a sense, they are not ours. They are God’s and we are just stewards of them. We must make sure that we are faithful stewards so we can encourage them in fulfilling God’s plans for their lives.

Application Question: What other ways have you seen or experienced parents embittering their children? How can the church play a role in remedying this trend of unwise parenting?

Conclusion

What responsibilities does a Christian have to his family based on his identity in Christ?

Paul here is giving the responsibilities of the members of the family. It should be noted that the wife’s response has nothing to do with whether she has a good husband or not. Her actions must be based on her relationship with Christ (Col. 3:1). In the same way a husband must love his wife even if she does not submit to him. The child must obey in everything regardless of whether he or she has good parents or not.

Oftentimes, our responses are based on what other people do to us instead of our relationship to Christ. We cannot control others, but we can control our faithfulness to Christ as we seek to walk in God’s original design for the family.

God’s design for the family is that:

1. Wives submit to their husbands.
2. Husbands love their wives and not be harsh to them.
3. Children obey their parents in everything.
4. Parents not embitter their children.

Let’s pray for our families.

Copyright © 2015 Gregory Brown

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¹ W. W. Wiersbe, The Bible Exposition Commentary. (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1996).

² W. Barclay, The New Daily Study Bible: The Letters to Philippians, Colossians, and Thessalonians, 3rd ed. (Louisville, KY; London: Westminster John Knox Press, 2003), 187-188.

³ Bruce Goettsche, “Marriage, God’s Way – Pt. 2” Union Church: http://www.unionchurch.com/archive/091398.html (August 26, 2014).

⁴ J. F. MacArthur Jr., MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Colossians. (Chicago: Moody Press, 1992), 168.

⁵ J. F. MacArthur Jr., MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Colossians. (Chicago: Moody Press, 1992), 169.

⁶ Drew Dyck, “The Leavers: Young Doubters Exit the Church.” Christianity Today: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/november/27.40.html

⁷ W. Barclay, The New Daily Study Bible: The Letters to Philippians, Colossians, and Thessalonians, 3rd ed. (Louisville, KY; London: Westminster John Knox Press, 2003), 190.

⁸ W. Barclay, The New Daily Study Bible: The Letters to Philippians, Colossians, and Thessalonians, 3rd ed. (Louisville, KY; London: Westminster John Knox Press, 2003), 187-188.

When one considers the idea of encouraging, the thought of giving help or support or cheering someone up comes to mind. Such is often expressed in the scriptural record. Thus Isaiah speaks of the need of helping the oppressed, who too often are the most in need of encouragement and help. For example, Isaiah writes:

Seek justice,
Encourage the oppressed.
Defend the cause of the fatherless,
Plead the case of the widow. (Isa. 1:17)¹

So also in the early church period we read of those who had particular need of such help. Again and again we read of the early church members doing just that (e.g., Acts 11:22-23). The church leadership was conscious of such needs and often sent church leaders as messengers of the gospel, among whom were Paul and Barnabas and Judas and Silas.

An interesting example of this is the time when Paul and Silas were in Philippi, after having been arrested and imprisoned for their faith. Upon their release, they went to Lydia’s house, where they met with the brothers and encouraged them (Acts 16:40). Paul was indeed a conveyor of such encouragement and urged others to do the same. For example, he wrote to the Thessalonian believers, “We sent Timothy, who is our brother and God’s fellow worker in spreading the gospel of Christ, to strengthen and encourage you in the faith” (I Thess. 3:2; cf. 4:18). Paul earnestly desired to learn that the Thessalonian believers continued to trust in the Lord in all situations, even those that were difficult. In a subsequent message to the church at Thessalonica he expressed his wise desires and hope for the believers:

So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or letter. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strength in every good deed and word. (II Thess. 2:15-17)

The early church leaders were noted for their desire to encourage others in their walk of faith. Thus when Barnabas visited the church at Antioch and saw the “grace of God” at work in their lives, “he was glad and encouraged them all to remain true in the Lord with all their hearts.” (Acts 11:23)

Indeed, Paul often urged believers to encourage one another. His wise hope and desire were that they do so (I Thess. 5:9-11).Through Titus, Paul instructed the church leaders as to their proper manner of life and ministry so that each might “encourage others by sound doctrine” (Titus 1:9). As he wrote to Titus himself, he instructed him as to how the church membership should act and minister (Titus 2:1-10). Even the young men were to fulfill their responsibilities so as to be living examples (Eph. 6:1-3). Paul’s own desire and purpose was to encourage the hearts of others (e.g., Col. 2:1-3). Interestingly, Paul was somewhat rewarded in his efforts. For when he was on his way to Rome as a prisoner for his faith, he himself was encouraged by others.

Likewise, the Apostle Peter closes his first epistle by saying “I have written to you briefly, encouraging you and testifying that this is the true grace of God. Stand fast in it” (I Peter 5:12). It is also of interest to note that in the times of trials and difficulties the members of the early church were themselves encouraged by the Holy Spirit (Acts 9:31).

From all of the above we can see the guiding hand of the Lord for his earthly servants. Should we, then, not be encouraged in our daily walk with the Lord? One way that each of us has at his disposal is the availability of the Holy Scriptures: “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope” (Romans 15:4; cf. vv. 5-6). Moreover, as Hodge points out, Paul’s great purpose was to declare that “the facts recorded in the Scriptures are designed for our instruction.”²

The Scriptures testify as to how God’s servants ministered. As he himself pointed out, Paul endured in the midst of hardships so that he might continue to deliver the gospel message to people:

I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory (2 Tim. 2:10).

Paul also commended the Thessalonian believers for their faithful endurance despite their hardships.

So also we should be willing to face whatever lies ahead in faithful endurance to Christ and the gospel message (cf. 2 Tim. 4:5). Moreover, we should not despise God’s corrections and disciplinary measures. For the Lord does so much like a father does for his children (cf. Heb. 12:7). We also should remember we have the ever availability of the Scriptures to help and guide us, for God’s Word endures forever. As Peter testified, the word of the Lord stands forever (1 Pet. 1:25). As I have written elsewhere, “Spiritual strength … comes through faith in God and keeping His revealed standards.”³ Therefore,

Be strong in the Lord, and be of good courage;
Your mighty Defender is always the same.
Mount up with wings, as the eagle ascending;
Victory is sure when you call on His name.
Be strong, be strong, be strong in the Lord,
And be of good courage for he is your guide.⁴

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¹ Unless otherwise noted, all scriptural citations are taken from the  NIV.

² Charles Hodge, Commentary on the Epistle to the Romans (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1953) 433.

³ Richard D. Patterson, “The Source of True Strength,”  Bible.Org. (2013), 10.

⁴ Linda Lee Johnson, “Be Strong in the Lord.”

November 19, 2017

It happens again and again, all across America. A couple meets. Something “clicks.” A romance begins. They fall in love. As they stand at the front of the church pledging their lives to one another, family and friends look on with beaming smiles. Everyone agrees that they are such a perfect couple.

But at some point after this idyllic scene, problems hit. The couple discovers that they are not as compatible as they had thought. The romance fades. Conflicts grow more intense and frequent. They finally conclude that they are no longer in love and go their separate ways, hoping to find someone the next time around who will be more compatible. And it doesn’t just happen to movie stars; it happens in evangelical churches.

But the problem is rarely a lack of compatibility—no two people are compatible. The problem is not working at solving conflicts God’s way, or not being willing to follow God’s way. Every married couple will have conflicts. A good marriage isn’t one where two compatible people never have conflicts; a good marriage is one where two self-willed people have learned to deny self, submit to Christ, and work out their differences in Christian love. You will have a God-glorifying, satisfying marriage to the degree that you learn to solve your conflicts God’s way. You don’t need to find a more compatible mate as much as you need to learn how to become a more compatible mate.

In Ephesians 4:17-32, Paul gives some principles for solving conflicts. (For more in depth on these verses, see my nine messages in the Ephesians series.) His context is relationships in the church, but these verses apply to solving family conflicts. To sum up...

To resolve conflicts God’s way, put off the behavior of the old man and put on the behavior of the new man, walking by the Holy Spirit.

1. To resolve conflicts God’s way, put off the behavior of the old man (Eph. 4:17-24).

The main source of conflicts is our old man (old nature, flesh). Paul describes our old way of life (vv. 17-19) as futile in mind, spiritually darkened, alienated from God, ignorant, hard of heart, callous, given over to sensuality and impurity, and greedy. But now, there is to be a distinct difference between how we used to live as unbelievers and how we now live as believers. We are to lay aside the “old man,” be renewed in the spirit of our minds, and put on the “new man,” “which, in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth (vv. 22-24).

Some scholars say that believers do not have an old nature, but just a new nature, and that our propensity toward sin comes from the flesh. I fail to see any biblical distinction between the old nature and the flesh. Whatever you call it, there is, even in believers, a strong, inner disposition to do what we want rather than what God wants (James 4:1). When we live under the domination of the old nature (= old man, or flesh), the result will be conflicts.

There are other factors which, when coupled with our sin nature, can lead to conflicts: Husbands and wives are different genders. We come from different family backgrounds. We’ve had different life experiences. We have different habits, different convictions and values, and different ways of doing things. But with all these factors, the underlying reason for conflicts is our self-seeking “old man,” living to gratify itself.

When you experienced the new birth, a radical change took place: You became a new person in Christ. Your bent toward sin was not eradicated, but God created your new man in righteousness and holiness of the truth (Eph. 4:24). The power of the old man was broken. Positionally, you took off the dirty clothes of the old man (v. 22) and put on the clean clothes of the new man (v. 24). As your mind is renewed by being conformed to God’s word (v. 23; Rom. 12:2), your behavior becomes progressively changed into the image of Jesus Christ. But now you must daily lay aside the old man (die to self) and put on the new man that you are in Christ. As Paul put it (Rom. 6:11), “Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.”

Jesus was speaking about the same thing when He said (Luke 9:23): “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.” To follow Jesus, there must be daily, repeated self-denial, putting self to death. There must be a daily, decisive break between the selfish way we used to live before we met Christ and how we now live in Him.

As you learn to believe what God says about you in Christ and to act upon it daily, your relationships, whether your mate or others, will improve, because selfishness is the main cause of relational conflicts. So the first step to solve conflicts God’s ways is to put off the old man. Repeat as often as necessary.

2. To resolve conflicts God’s way, put on the behavior of the new man (Eph. 4:25-32).

Paul spells out five behavioral changes of the new man:

A. The new man replaces falsehood with truth.

Ephesians 4:25: “Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.” Paul is aiming this command at relationships in the church (“members of one another”). But how much more does it apply to married partners, who are one flesh with each other! In all relationships there must be truthfulness for healthy communication to take place so that conflicts can be resolved.

At first blush, you may think, “That’s not my problem. I don’t lie; I’m honest.” But because we dislike confrontation, or we don’t want to cause trouble, or because we’re afraid that if our real feelings were revealed, the relationship might suffer, we often fail to speak the truth. I’ve counseled with wives who were ready to divorce their husbands. When I’ve asked if they’ve ever talked honestly with him about the problems, they say, “Oh, no, I couldn’t do that! He’d explode!” So they’d rather divorce him than speak truthfully to him about the problems in their relationship!

Paul uses the analogy of the body here. If the nerves in your foot don’t communicate truthfully with your brain, you won’t be able to walk properly. For relational healing and correction to take place, there must be truthful communication. Your mate can’t deal with a problem he’s not aware of. To plaster over your feelings or thoughts and put on a happy face when there is a problem does not foster healthy relationships. Rather, as Paul says (v. 15), the body will only be healthy when we speak the truth in love.

I’m not suggesting that a couple be ruthlessly honest in sharing everything. I once counseled with a young couple where the husband would tell his wife every time he had a lustful thought about another woman. His comments were making his poor wife feel insecure in their relationship. I told him to judge his sinful thoughts before the Lord and be done with it. To share his every lustful thought with his wife was not seeking her highest good.

A general rule is to ask whether a problem is damaging your relationship. To avoid talking about a matter that is hindering your relationship is not to speak the truth. But to be brutally honest or to blast the other person because that’s just how you feel, is not to speak the truth in love. Your goal should always be to foster mutual understanding and love. To resolve conflicts, speak the truth.

B. The new man replaces indifference with righteous anger.

Ephesians 4:26-27: “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” In a section dealing with proper relationships, you may wonder whether Paul meant to say, “Don’t be angry and sin.” This verse has elicited a number of explanations. We need to start by recognizing that righteous anger is Christlike (Mark 3:5). Jesus was angry and grieved at the Pharisees’ hardness of heart. There is something worse than anger in relationships, namely, indifference. If you care deeply for someone, and he is repeatedly sinning, his sin should make you righteously angry. Indifference shows that you don’t love.

Paul cites Psalm 4:4 (LXX) to say, “Be angry enough so that you don’t indifferently shrug off someone’s sin, but be careful so that your righteous anger doesn’t boil over into sinful anger.” And, don’t let it fester for days on end. Deal with it and put it aside, so that you don’t let the devil get a foothold in your life. That’s the proper sense of verses 26 & 27 as I understand it.

In other words, anger that flares up because I did not get my way or because someone has offended me, is sinful. Anger that blows up is not righteous because it is not under control. We are to be slow to anger (James 1:19) because God is slow to anger (Exod. 34:6). Anger that clams up and does not confront a problem, but just goes into a slow burn, turning into bitterness and hatred, is sinful because it’s acting on the basis of self, not for the purpose of seeking love and reconciliation. Righteous anger is motivated by the knowledge that sin damages people. Its motive is restoration of the sinner and reconciliation of the relationship out of the desire for God to be glorified. It attacks the problem, not the person.

So we have to be careful. Righteous anger should motivate us to deal with the sin of someone we love. But it’s easy to cross the line from righteous anger (v. 26) to sinful anger (v. 31). It’s easy to justify selfish anger as righteous, when it’s not. But it’s also easy to back off from anger and become indifferent: “If he wants to destroy himself, that’s his problem! I couldn’t care less!” That’s also sin, because it’s motivated by selfishness. Self-sacrificing love becomes righteously angry enough to take the initiative for reconciliation by confronting sin, but it’s careful to avoid sinful anger.

C. The new man replaces selfishness with giving.

Ephesians 4:28: “He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with one who has need.” Paul is not talking here about marriage, of course. He’s talking about the need for Christians to be honest, hard-working people who are oriented toward giving, not taking. But the context is healthy relationships. There is a principle here that applies to resolving conflicts in any relationship. The old man is motivated by selfishness, out to get what he can for himself. He looks out for his own needs and isn’t concerned about others’ needs, except to exploit them for his own benefit. But you can never resolve conflicts if both parties are trying to exploit or to enrich themselves at the other’s expense.

But the new man is not lazy or self-centered. He works hard in order to give to others. He looks out for the needs of his mate and tries to meet those needs, even if it requires hard work. He’s not in the relationship for what he can take, but for what he can give. Instead of complaining, “My mate isn’t meeting my needs,” he asks, “How can I meet my mate’s needs?”

A main reason that many couples can’t resolve their differences is that they are thieves in their marriage. They rob their partners of love and respect. They don’t give their time or themselves. They want their relationship to be 50-50, and they feel as if they’re not getting their fair share. Replacing selfishness with giving is a key to resolving conflicts. With both partners looking out for the needs of the other and willing to give 100 percent, they can arrive at mutually agreeable solutions.

D. The new man replaces destructive speech with constructive speech.

Ephesians 4:29: “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” Destructive speech that tears down the other person will not resolve conflicts. Proverbs 12:18 states, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” In other words, your tongue can be a sword to wound and kill, or it can be a scalpel to deal carefully with the problem and bring healing.

“Unwholesome [lit. rotten] speech” includes: Name-calling, sarcasm, ridicule, mockery, gossip, slander, blaming, destructive criticism, angry words of threat or revenge, griping, complaining, lying, profanity, and filthy talk or dirty jokes. Words whose purpose is to wound, not heal, must be put off.

We are not just to hold our tongue, however. We are to replace destructive words with words that build up the other person at his point of need; and not because he deserves it, but because our God is gracious, and thus we are to be gracious in our speech. (Grace is undeserved favor.) There is a proper place for criticism or correction, but it should aim at helping, not hurting your mate. Your motive should be to help your mate grow to maturity in Christ. Correction should always be done in gentleness (Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 2:24-26). Our goal should never be to win. We want God to win by being glorified as we both submit to Him. I advise you to memorize Ephesians 4:29. It will help you daily to put off rotten speech and to put on gracious words that build up your mate.

E. The new man replaces sinful anger with kindness and forgiveness.

Ephesians 4:31-32: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Six behaviors of the old man must be put off: Bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice. All these terms describe the same selfish, sinful behavior from slightly different angles. Bitterness results from anger or hurt feelings which are not dealt with. It results from blaming or keeping score. Bitterness is long-term hostility. Wrath (from a word meaning “to boil”) refers to outbursts of anger. Anger refers to a settled disposition or attitude, often with the purpose of revenge.

Clamor means fighting with loud words, yelling, screaming or crying. Sometimes angry people yell to intimidate, or they use emotional outbursts to try to manipulate. In either case, it’s selfish behavior aimed at getting one’s own way. Slander means speaking against someone to another, trying to damage the person’s reputation so that you look good. Malice is a general term for any kind of ill-will toward a person. It means “having it in” for someone; you want to see him brought down. It’s the opposite of self-sacrificing love, which seeks to build up the other person.

All these actions of the old man hinder resolving conflicts. They are motivated by self and thus opposed to love. Thus they must be put off like dirty clothes. In their place, we can resolve conflicts if we put on the behaviors of the new man that we have become in Christ:

Kindness is the opposite of being harsh. The word has the nuance of being useful. A kind person thinks of the other person’s needs and takes action to meet those needs. A kind husband allows his wife and children room to make mistakes without crawling all over them. He gives them time to grow and change. To be tender-hearted (cf. 1 Pet. 3:8) means to feel deeply for one another. Love cares and shows it.

Forgiving one another. The Greek word points to undeserved favor. How God in Christ forgave you is the standard. He didn’t forgive you because you deserved it. As Jesus taught in His parable in Matthew 18:21-35, God has forgiven us an enormous debt, so that anything we forgive one another is small by way of comparison. Forgiveness is costly and difficult; but not forgiving is not an option for Christians (Matt. 6:14-15). Family members need to keep short accounts with one another. If you’re wrong, ask for forgiveness; if you were wronged, forgive in your heart even before the other person repents, and grant it verbally the instant they ask you to forgive them.

To resolve conflicts, daily put off the selfish behaviors of the old man and put on the loving behaviors of the new man. This opens the door for helpful communication and problem solving. But I skipped a verse. It is undoubtedly the key to solving conflicts in the family or with other Christians:

3. To resolve conflicts God’s way, walk by the indwelling Holy Spirit (Eph. 4:30).

Ephesians 4:30: “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.” It’s significant that in the middle of a passage dealing with relationships, Paul mentions grieving the Holy Spirit! The sins Paul deals with here grieve the Holy Spirit: deception (v. 25), indifference (v. 26), stealing (v. 28), rotten speech (v. 29), bitterness, wrath, anger, yelling, slander, and malice (v. 31).

This implies several things. First, our motive for wanting harmonious relationships is not just so that we can live happily. Our motive should be not to grieve the Holy Spirit or, to put it positively, to please and glorify God. The Holy Spirit is a person who can be grieved, not an impersonal force. At salvation, He sealed us for the day of redemption. The Spirit Himself is the seal, God’s personal mark of ownership on us. If we don’t have the Spirit indwelling us, we do not belong to Christ (Rom. 8:9). The reason we must seek to put off the behavior of the old man and put on the behavior of the new man in our relationships is that we want to please the indwelling Spirit. In other words, we don’t want to strain our relationship with Him.

Also, this verse implies that we can’t separate our relationship with God and our relationships with one another. John says that if we say we love God, but we do not love our brother, we’re deceived (1 John 4:20). This means that if you claim to be a Christian, but you’re living for self, shredding relationships with your family and in the church, you need to examine your relationship with God. At best, you’re grieving the Holy Spirit; at worst, you may not be saved.

The way to put off the old man, or deeds of the flesh, and to grow in the fruit of the Spirit is to walk by the Spirit (Gal. 5:16): “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.” To walk by the Spirit is to depend upon Him moment by moment. This means that to solve conflicts in your marriage, you need to cultivate your relationship with God through His Word. As you examine your life by the Word, you’ll learn what pleases the Lord and you’ll grow more sensitive to what grieves Him. Sins like dishonesty, indifference, selfishness, abusive speech, and anger will convict your conscience as you realize how they grieve the Lord. So you’ll replace them with truthfulness, caring confrontation, giving, words that build up, and kindness.

Conclusion

The poet Ogden Nash has a wise bit of verse: “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, when you’re wrong admit it, when you’re right, shut up.”

If there’s frequent conflict in your home, examine yourself (not your mate!). Are you putting off the selfish behavior of the old man and putting on the Christlike behavior of the new man out of a desire to please the Lord who gave Himself on the cross so that you could be forgiven? The bad news is: Yes, you, your spouse and children are incompatible! The good news is: You can resolve conflicts God’s way by putting off the selfish, old way of life and by putting on the new life He has graciously given you.

Application Questions

1. How can you know how honest to be? Should you share every secret thought with your mate? Is deception ever right?
2. How can you determine whether your anger is sinful or righteous?
3. How can you know when to confront and when to let something go?
4. How can a Christian who has been deeply hurt truly forgive?

Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2017, All Rights Reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation

A. Why We Need This Study

We’ve been studying discipleship on Sunday mornings lately. And one of the characteristics of a disciple is that he makes more disciples. And making disciples involves witnessing.

It used to be that most people believed there was a God, that the Bible was God’s word. They believed in heaven and hell and unfortunately, most believed that good people went to heaven and bad people went to hell. If you showed them something in the Bible, they tended to believe it was true because the Bible was “the good book” and thought to be true. And so, you could walk them down the Romans Road or tell them of the Four Spiritual Laws. The usual hurdles to someone believing the gospel were apathy or ignorance.

I was listening to a really good lecture on postmodern evangelism by Tim Keller from the John Piper website. He said the main issue with evangelism in the past was that people knew something about Christianity but it wasn’t personal. They believed in sin, but they had to be shown that “ they” were sinners. So, we came up with programs like Evangelism Explosion, and gospel presentations like the Four Spiritual Laws or the Romans’ Road. The purpose was to encourage people to “do what you know.” They had a Christian intellect, a Christian conscience, but not a Christian heart.¹

That has all changed. Now, most don’t believe in God. They don’t believe the Bible is the Word of God. There is little agreement on issues of morality and sin. Now, if you try to present the gospel to someone, you’re more likely to have them say, “That’s just your opinion.” Or “That may be true for you but not for me.”

If you don’t know how to answer statements like these, engaging your neighbor, co-workers, and strangers in a conversation about God, Jesus, life after death, etc. can be frustrating – to say the least – and maybe so scary that you just don’t do it. I certainly don’t have the gift of evangelism. But every once in a while I get up enough courage to try. Several years ago, after one such attempt on an airplane, the person used a similar line on me – something like, “I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you….” and that ended the conversation. I was stumped and didn’t know how to respond.

J.P. Moreland tells the story of how he dealt with that situation. He was witnessing to a student in a dorm room and when the student said, “That may be true for you, but not for me. You can’t force your morality on other people.” JP Moreland thanked the student for his time and when he left the room, he picked up the guys’ stereo and headed out the door. The student said, “Hey, what are you doing? You can’t do that!” Moreland pointed out that the student was trying to force his morality of not stealing on him, … to make a long story short… the student admitted his inconsistency. A few weeks later, the student became a Christian.

What has happened to our culture? The predominant world view is changing. That’s what this series is about. We’re going to study the major world views and how they answer the big questions of life. We are going to examine the different answers and evaluate if they make sense. Hopefully, at the end of this series, you will be better prepared when someone says, “Well, that may be true for you, but not for me.”

We have the strategic advantage because we have the truth. We are going to win the war in the end. But we need some tactical plans for winning battles along the way. We are not going to be learning techniques for arguing. We are going to try to understand the root differences between the world views. Then the inconsistencies will be apparent and easily brought up in conversations with those who hold them.

Some of you may be thinking that we just need to present the gospel and let the Holy Spirit do the rest. While it is true that salvation is a work of the Spirit in the heart of an individual and no amount of logic can convince a person to believe in Jesus, the Bible does actually speak to this issue. 1 Pet 3:15 says we need to be ready to give a defense for what we believe. Paul argued logically with the philosophers in Acts. If we can show someone that they are being illogical or living inconsistent with their belief system, then sometimes that is the first step in them searching for the truth.

Example:

In 1978, when I was a junior in high school. I had a friend named Tim who was a Christian Scientist. He approached me one day and tried to convert me to Christian Science. I’d just finished writing a paper about cults in America. (Imagine doing that in an American History class these days.) So, I knew something about what he believed. My response to him was, “Tim, you wear glasses and braces and your mom is in a wheel chair.” If everything in life is just a product of our imaginations, why would you imagine crooked teeth, bad eyes and you mom imagine not being able to walk? It seems that you don’t even believe your own religion….” He didn’t have an answer for that.

Then in about 1993 or 1994, I was walking across the Dallas Theological Seminary campus and a tall blond headed guy came up to me and said, “Hampton Keathley, do you remember me?” I recognized him and said, “Tim, what are you doing here?” I was remembering that the last time I saw him, he was a Christian Scientist. He said, “You remember that conversation we had in high school? It got me to questioning my beliefs and here I am…”

So, the bottom line of why we need this study is so that we can understand the various world views and can interact with our culture and be an effective witness for Christ. We need to be able to answer honest intellectual questions, but at the same time realize that no amount of logic will convert someone if they are not intellectually honest and seeking the truth.

B. What is a World View?

Your world view is your concept of reality. It is your assumptions or presuppositions about what makes the world go around. Everyone has a world view even if they cannot explain what it is. But a world view is not just some academic, abstract, philosophical construct. It describes our search for answers to life’s most important questions.

Your world view affects the way you look at everything…life, death, politics, religion, parenting, education, etc. Some have likened a world view to a set of glasses through which you see life. Your world view glasses affect how you view certain events and how you respond to them. If your glasses have the correct prescription, then you will see the world accurately. If they are the wrong prescription, your view of the world will be distorted.

I’m reminded of an old country and western song by John Conlee called “Rose Colored Glasses.” The chorus went like this:

“These rose colored glasses, that I’m looking through,
Show only the beauty, cause they hide all the truth,”

His glasses were distorted. As in most country and western songs, the lady didn’t love him any more and he couldn’t see it.

Ronald Nash says, “A world view is a set of beliefs about the most important issues in life.”² So that leads us to ask what are the most important issues or questions in life? After looking at a dozen books on the subject, it seems that there are several standard world view questions that are asked:

C. The World View Questions:

1. Why is there something rather than nothing? or What is the Origin of the Universe?

Does anything really exist? Is it all a figment of our imagination? If it does exist, did it always exist? Is everything that exists just result of time + chance? Or is there a supernatural being out there who created the universe?

2. Is there a God?

Is there a supernatural being that is above time and space? Is that supernatural being just a force, like in Star Wars, or Mother Nature? Or is there a personal God? If so, what is he like?

3. What is the Nature of Man?

Is man just an animal that has evolved differently? Or is he something special? Another part of the question is this: Is man basically good but society makes him do bad things? Or is man’s badness built in?

4. What is the Basis of Ethics and Morality?

We can’t really talk about man being good or bad without having some sort of personal opinion about what is good and what is bad. Where do we get our ideas of good and evil? From ourselves? From nature (survival of the fittest)? From society? From God?

5. Why is there evil and suffering?

The occurrence of evil in the world causes some to conclude that there is no God. The argument is that, if there is a God, then he must not be good or he must not be all-powerful, or he would not let all these bad things happen.

6. What happens after we die?

Do we just cease to exist? Do we get reincarnated and come back to earth as a cow or another person? Do we get absorbed into the cosmic consciousness? Or do we face God and judgment?

This is a hard one to “prove” to someone since we are talking about the future. So

7. What is the meaning of history?

Is history a meaningless series of events that just happen? Or is there some purpose to history? Why are we here?

8. How do you know that you know?

We have a truth problem in our society. Anyone who claims to know the truth is criticized as trying to impose “his view” on others. Our society preaches that there is no “truth.”

Is there such a thing as truth? How do you know what is true? Do you know stuff because of reason, experience, supernatural revelation, etc.?

D. The Major World Views

1. Theism

Theism is the belief that there is a personal God outside of time and space who created the universe out of nothing and is involved in events (supernaturally). He reveals himself to man through nature and through the Bible (Christians) or the Torah (Jews) or the Koran (Muslims). He sets the rules for mankind. And there will be eternal consequences for breaking the rules.

Deism is similar to theism. God created everything, but is no longer involved in creation. There is nothing supernatural going on. Praying is a waste of time. Famous people who believed this were Thomas Jefferson and Thomas Paine. It’s not real popular these days because folks who would normally be deists have substituted evolution as an explanation of the origin of the universe.

2. Pantheism

Everything is god. Everything material is an illusion. Humans are gods. Knowledge is getting in touch with the cosmic consciousness. One of the favorite terms you’ll hear from pantheists is “enlightenment.” History is cyclical and men are reincarnated until they realize their own divinity. This world view is the basis for Hinduism, Buddhism, Christian Science, and New Age teaching.

3. Naturalism

There is no God. The world and mankind just evolved. Men are just the product of their environment. Morality is decided by man. There is no purpose to history; it just happens. When you die, you cease to exist.

4. Pluralism

Naturalism has undergone a major change in the past 50 years. Enough of a change that it deserves its own category—Pluralism. Pluralism is very similar to Naturalism, but it’s sort of a cafeteria style world view. People mix and match various aspects of the other world views. It is extremely inconsistent, but that doesn’t seem to matter in a postmodern world.

The shift from Naturalism to Pluralism corresponds to the shift from Modernism to Postmodernism.

I’ve used the terms modernism and postmodernism a couple times already and some of you may be wondering what in the world I’m talking about. So, let’s define them.

Modernism: Prior to the Renaissance everyone believed in God and the supernatural. But around 1500 several things happened. Gutenberg developed the printing press which made books available to the masses and learning grew exponentially. Martin Luther began the Reformation, the Renaissance began with the whole new emphasis on art, science, humanism, etc. Reality was what you could see and measure. The myth of progress captivated the world. Man came to believe that science would solve all the problems of mankind. Science would discover the cure for all diseases, control the weather, end poverty, bring about world peace, etc. There were World Fairs touting the marvels of the modern age. This period, called “Modernism,” lasted from the 1500’s to 1960’s. Incidentally, lots of folks believed in post-millennialism as a direct result of this. They thought we were in the millennium and Christ was coming back at the end of it. But that’s another lesson.

Postmodernism: But after the Second World War, people were disillusioned. (Including the post-millennialists) The war to end all wars (WWI) didn’t. WWII and the holocaust happened. It was obvious we weren’t going to bring about world peace. Science wasn’t curing very many diseases. In fact, cancer was becoming more and more prevalent. People recognized that science wasn’t solving man’s problems. Science hadn’t brought about a utopia of progress uniting the human race like it promised. In fact, modernism was rather weak on relationships. People were just cogs in the machine. So, society began rejecting modernism (science) and moving toward something we call “postmodernism.” The name “post”-modernism means “after”-modernism. People are now looking for something else to explain reality. Since naturalism has rejected the existence of God, we have moved from science (with its truth/facts) to existentialism which is basically experience, spirituality, and pragmatism (whatever works).

This shift from modernism to postmodernism is a process, and our generation is right in the middle of it and as such, we are all a little of both.

I think one of the best ways to illustrate this is by comparing older commercials with new ones. Old commercials had guys in white lab coats touting the virtues of various products. Why were they in white lab coats? Because it made them look like scientists and led you to believe that what they were claiming was a scientific fact. Postmodern commercials, on the other hand, consist of beautiful and or rugged looking individuals having a good time in exotic locations. Compare the old Coke/Pepsi “taste test” commercials with the more recent ones. The “taste test” was supposedly a scientific measurement. More people preferred Pepsi. Now you are inundated with multiple images of folks having a great time drinking Coke. Or you’re encouraged to just “Be a Pepper,” etc.

Let’s get back to our discussion of the major world views.

The following Chart gives a basic overview of how each world view answers the world view questions.³

	Theism	Pantheism	Naturalism (Modernism)	Pluralism (Postmodernism)
God	Personal	Impersonal	Non-existent	Non-existent
World	Creation	Spiritual	Evolution	Evolution
Man	Like God	Is God	Like Animals	Like Animals
Immortality	Resurrection	Reincarnation	Annihilation	Annihilation Reincarnation
Destiny	Glorification	Absorption	Extinction	Extinction
Authority	Divine Revelation	Spiritual Enlightenment	Human Reason	Culture
Truth	Absolute	Personal	Objective/Science	Relative/Cultural
Evil	Rebellion/Sin	Illusion	Ignorance	Culturally Defined
History	Linear	Cyclical	Chaotic	Re-Defined

E. Discussion

I mentioned at the beginning that your world view affects how you look at everything and gave some examples:

How would one’s world view affect your view of education?

• · If truth is absolute, then 2 + 2 = 4. If it’s not, then 2 + 2 = whatever the group decides. And we’ve actually heard some of this type of stuff in the modern education system.
• · You might teach evolution as a fact of science and creation as a religious belief.

How would it affect your political views on subjects like separation of church and state, abortion, gay marriages? When you hear these issues discussed on TV or radio and you ask yourself, “How can someone believe that?” The reason is because of their world view.

• · Your view of the nature of man and your source of truth will affect your opinion on those issues. For example: Homosexuality is something that happens to you at random (evolution). It’s ok because your culture has decided it’s ok (pluralism). But we’ll discuss how the naturalist, who thinks Homosexuality is the result of random evolution is not being consistent because, since he subscribes to the belief in the survival of the fittest, Homosexuality would result in extinction of the species.

We are inundated with advertising messages, news stories, TV programs, etc. which often reveal something of the speaker’s or author’s world view. Most people don’t even notice. Here are a some examples:

• · A long time ago there was a beer commercial which said, “You only go around once in life, so go for all the gusto you can.” What world view is embedded in that message? Answer: The most important thing in life is pleasure. There is no life after death, therefore no responsibility. So, live it up now.
• · I recently heard a news story where some school children had defaced or destroyed some school property. The teacher being interviewed said, “They are basically good kids, but they …come from under-privileged homes…” That statement reveals what that teacher’s view of human nature is. Man is basically good, but society makes them do bad things. That doesn’t explain why rich kids do the same kind of pranks. It is, therefore, a bad explanation of the cause of the prank. But it doesn’t matter if the teacher being interviewed is “wrong.” It’s just her opinion and there are no wrong opinions in a post-modern culture.
• · Or think about all the commercials that tell us we “deserve” something. I recently heard a mortgage company ad say that even if you have bad credit, we can get you that home loan you deserve. Or the auto leasing company can get you that nice car that you deserve. What is behind those statements? I think it’s something more than just slick marketing. If people borrow themselves into bankruptcy, why are they no longer responsible for their actions?

We live in a pluralistic society which says that everyone’s opinion is valid. It doesn’t matter what you believe, as long as you are sincere. But is it really possible for one world view to teach that man is basically good and another one to teach that man is basically bad and both be correct? Or for one to teach there is no life after death and another to teach that there is? That is logically not possible. So, one’s world view may be accurate or inaccurate.

But how do we decide which is correct? How do we know what the truth is? That is one of the questions we will try to answer in our study. In fact, it is foundational to the whole process of choosing which world view is correct, so we will tackle that question first – next week.

F. Conclusion

We haven’t even opened our Bibles yet. The reason is I felt like we needed to lay out the problem first and define some of the terms we will be using for the rest of the series. In subsequent lessons, we’ll spend more time because we’ll be examining how the Bible answers each of the questions.

But the Bible does have something to say about why there are so many world views. Let’s read Romans 1:18-32.

• · Does it sound like our culture?
  “Not only do they do them, they approve of those who do.” Stuff that was unthinkable or only done in secret 50 years ago is now done in public and even paraded as a badge of honor.
• · What does this passage say about why there are so many world views?
  Answer: Man is trying his best to deny the existence of a Creator to whom he is responsible.
• · According to our passage, Is truth knowable?
  It says that “God’s attributes can clearly be seen through creation.” So truth is knowable. Just because people “suppress the truth” doesn’t mean there is no truth.

Our culture is thoroughly secular. It has totally bought into naturalism and pluralism. Through public education, the nightly news, movies, radio and TV, we are constantly taught evolution, that man is no better than animals, that criminals aren’t responsible for their actions, that there is no absolute truth, etc. The Bible is certainly not viewed as authoritative. It is seen as just a collection of myths or fables.

Our goal over the next few weeks is to take each of the world view questions and see how each world view answers the questions and see what the Bible says is the answer. We will see if the Bible’s answers are more reasonable than those of the competing world views. We will also spend a week studying the reasons we believe the bible is inspired.

If you are not a Christian, then hopefully this study will help you evaluate your own world view and compare it to what the Bible says. One of the most prevalent attitudes today is that there is a division between Faith and Reason. One’s religion is a private matter and based on blind faith. Public issues on the other hand are based on science and reason. What this series will show is that Faith versus Reason is a false dichotomy. The question should be, “How reasonable is your faith?” Because you will see that all world view systems are based on certain assumptions that we take on faith. The pantheist assumes that the world is immaterial. He can’t prove that nothing exists. In fact, all his senses cry out that he is wrong. The naturalist assumes that God doesn’t exist and then comes up with explanations for things that don’t include God.

If you are already a Christian, then hopefully this study will help you develop a consistent Christian world view. And hopefully, you will understand why you believe what you believe and be able to defend your beliefs when subjects like morality and ethics come up.

One of the criticisms I’ve heard about studying other world views is that it makes it seem like Christianity is just one of the options. And some have said that their faith was shaken because of studies like the one we are beginning.

Last week I was talking with Matt and he mentioned Peter’s response to Jesus in John 6. After Jesus told everyone that he was the bread of life and that they needed to drink his blood and eat his flesh, many of his disciples left. Jesus turned to the 12 and asked, “You don’t want to go away too, do you?” Peter’s response was “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God!”

It seems to me that this applies to our topic. Whenever we encounter something in the Bible that is hard to understand, or our faith is at a low point. That is not a reason to abandon our faith. When we know what the other options are – pantheism, naturalism, etc. We know that the Christian world view doesn’t just have a different set of answers to life’s important questions – it has the “only” answers that make sense.

So, this series shouldn’t jeopardize your faith. It should strengthen it when you realize that the other world views aren’t valid options. Their answers are nonsense.

¹ Jim Keller, The Supremacy of Christ and the Gospel in a Postmodern World. Audio message from desiringgod.org.

² Ronald Nash, World-Views in Conflict. p. 16.

³ A modified version of a chart from Mindgames seminar by Probe Ministries.