I want to talk about one of the most commonly tolerated sins among those professing to know God. It is a most serious sin, and yet I encounter it often and I find that it’s often excused or shrugged off as no big deal. In fact, many Christians aren’t even aware that it’s sin! I struggle with it myself. It rears its head in different forms: self-pity, grumbling, complaining, depression, anger, defiance. Often at the root of all these symptoms is the sin of ingratitude toward our gracious, sovereign God.

Ingratitude is a characteristic of those in rebellion against God. It was because of grumbling and ingratitude toward God that Israel was laid low in the wilderness (1 Cor. 10:10; Ps. 95:8-11). In Paul’s treatment of human depravity, ingratitude is one of the sins which plunged the race further into sin: “For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God, or give thanks; ... Therefore God gave them over ...” (Rom. 1:21, 24).

On the other hand, believers are commanded to give thanks in everything (1 Thess. 5:18). As those delivered from Satan’s domain of darkness, we are to be “joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in light” (Col. 1:12). A spirit of joyous, continual thankfulness ought to characterize us as Christians.

It’s not surprising to discover that the man whom God called “a man after My own heart” was a thankful man. I want to examine “the roots and fruit of a thankful heart” from David’s experience in 2 Samuel 7: How to sink down roots that will produce thankfulness in us at all times; and the fruit which thankfulness produces.

Background: David has consolidated his kingdom. He has brought up the ark and placed it in a tent in Jerusalem. He has built a palace for himself. And while David’s battles with Israel’s enemies are not over (as the following chapters reveal), at the moment God has given David a breather (27:1). During this period of calm, David’s thoughts turn to the fact that while he lives in a nice palace, the ark of God dwells in a tent (27:2). David wants to build a house for God. His friend, Nathan the prophet, at first says, “Go ahead.” But that night God speaks to Nathan and prohibits David from building the Temple. But God also tells Nathan to tell David that God will build a house for David and that David’s house and kingdom will endure forever (7:16). In what is called the “Davidic Covenant,” God promises that the Messiah will come from David’s descendants. David’s response was to be overwhelmed with gratitude for God’s goodness toward him.

You may be thinking, “Sure, who wouldn’t be grateful if God made that kind of promise to them?” But to grasp the significance of David’s response, we must recognize that God had just said “No” to David’s dream. It was a very tangible dream. In his own mind, David could picture the beautiful building, with worshipers thronging the courtyard. He wanted to do this visible thing for the Lord. But God said “No.” Instead He promised something that David would not see in his own lifetime: that Messiah would come from his lineage. That promise was not fulfilled until 1,000 years later when Jesus was born, and it will not be fulfilled completely until the future millennial reign of Christ.

That puts David’s thankfulness in a different light, doesn’t it? He easily could have been disappointed and even angry about God’s denial of his dream. But he was overwhelmed with gratitude. Maybe David does have something to teach us about thankfulness, especially when God says no to our plans!

1. The roots: A thankful heart stems from focusing on the sovereign grace of God.

David’s focus was upon God, His purpose, and His sovereign grace. A study of these verses reveals three characteristic roots of a thankful heart:

A. A thankful heart is focused on God, not on self.

Think of where David was at: He was king of Israel after years of hardship. He had defeated many enemy nations. He was established comfortably in his capital city in a nice palace. He was a famous, powerful man, with many serving him. He easily could have become self-focused. He could have got caught up with enjoying the good life and had no concern for the things of God. But he didn’t.

Instead, his thoughts turned toward the Lord and His purpose. He had a burden for God to be central in the nation, for God to be worshiped by His people. He wanted to build a temple which elevated the Lord to His proper place. David could not rest content while God’s house was not a reality. David’s heart was focused on God, not on himself. So even when God said no to David’s dream, David was overwhelmed with gratitude for God’s sovereign grace toward him.

One of the main reasons we wrestle with ungratefulness is that we’re self-focused. We tend to pursue our own fulfillment, comfort, and happiness. The dominant theology in American Christianity puts man and his happiness at the center instead of God and His glory. It teaches that God exists to meet our needs. We’re even being told that Christ died for us because we’re worthy! So we have people who by nature are self-centered coming to Christ to get an “abundant life” which they think is their right, which they assume will fulfill all their needs. But they’ve never repented of their self-centeredness. Then they become disappointed when God doesn’t do what they think He promised to do.

We have churches filled with people who are there to get God to solve their problems and make them happy. Do they want their problems solved so that they can more effectively glorify and serve God? No, they want their problems solved so that they can enjoy a happy life. Unlike David, they have no burden for God and His purpose. Instead of being focused on God, they’re focused on trying to get God to meet their own needs for their own gratification. They’re focused on self.

Let me shoot real straight, since Jesus did. He didn’t say, “If anyone wants to follow Me, I’ll meet his every need so that he can live a happy, comfortable life.” He said, “If anyone wishes to follow Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s shall save it” (Mark 8:34-35). If you want to be a thankful person, get your focus off yourself and your happiness and put your focus on God and His great purpose in the gospel. If we focus on God and His purpose, He graciously meets our needs. If we focus on self, we come up empty.

B. A thankful heart is submissive to God’s sovereign purpose.

David wanted to build the temple; God said, “No.” That answer would have been especially difficult to accept because David’s desire was right. He didn’t want something for himself. He didn’t want a new addition on the palace or a higher salary. He wanted to build a house for God. His motives were pure. But God said no. True, God wrapped His denial in some other wonderful promises. But nevertheless, it was a denial.

What did David do in response? First, let’s think about what he could have done but did not do. He could have allowed his disappointment to grow into depression. He could have sulked and felt sorry for himself. He could have angrily thought, “See if I ever try to do anything again for the Lord!” He could have turned to self-indulgence to soothe his hurt feelings.

Instead, he worshiped God. He was overwhelmed with gratitude for all that God had done. He submitted to God’s sovereign purpose, and was willing to be used however God wanted to use him.

The key to David’s response is seen in the way David viewed God and how he viewed himself in God’s sight. Eight times (27:18, 19 [twice], 20, 22, 25, 28, 29) in this short prayer David calls God, “O Lord God” (NIV = “Sovereign Lord”; Hebrew = Adonai Yahweh). In addition, David repeatedly extols God’s greatness (27:22, 26, 27) and His sovereign choice of Israel as His people (27:23, 24). And ten times David refers to himself, not as “the King,” but as “Your servant” (27:19, 20, 21, 25, 26, 27 [twice], 28, & 29 [twice]). Because he saw God as the Sovereign of the universe and himself simply as God’s servant, he could submit and be thankful when God’s plans were contrary to David’s plans.

How about you? What do you do when God’s plans run counter to your plans? The test of thankfulness is not when God does what you want Him to do. That’s easy! The test of being thankful is when God says no to your plans, even when they are plans to further His purpose. To be thankful then you’ve got to see God as the Sovereign and yourself as His servant so that you submit to Him.

Thus, a thankful heart is focused on God, not self. A thankful heart submits to God’s sovereign purpose.

C. A thankful heart is overwhelmed by God’s sovereign grace.

When Nathan outlines God’s covenant promises to David, David is overwhelmed. In today’s slang, he is “blown away.” He goes into the tabernacle and sits before the Lord (27:18). As far as I know, it’s the only time in the Bible when a person sits down to pray. I think he was stunned, like when a lawyer calls you and says, “You had better sit down. A rich uncle has left you a million dollars.” David had wanted to build a house for God; but God says, “No, I want to build a house for David” (27:11). David’s response was, “Who am I?”

Grace means God’s unmerited favor. Don’t let anybody tell you anything else! Grace has two sides:

First, Grace is unmerited, which means, I do not deserve it. “Who am I ...?” (27:18). I am totally unworthy to receive it. If I get it because I’m worthy, it’s not grace. If I can do anything to earn it or deserve it, it’s not grace. Grace is a sovereign act of God, totally apart from human effort or human will. Grace is hard for us to grasp, because it is not the custom or manner of man (27:19). In life, we are conditioned to a system of work and wage, of effort and reward. But grace is not a wage or reward. It stems from the nature of God, not at all from the efforts of man.

You cannot understand or appreciate God’s grace until you are overwhelmed with a sense of your own unworthiness to approach God in any way. Your good works cannot commend you to God. If God dealt with you according to your merit, He would justly send you to hell. Grace is totally unmerited. When that thought grips you, it fills you with thankfulness toward God!

Second, Grace is favor. That is, grace reflects God’s abundant goodness. God, who is infinitely wealthy, has opened the treasures of heaven and poured out heaps of blessings upon us. Like Scrooge McDuck swimming in his money pile, so believers are awash in God’s blessing. David here considers:

* God’s favor in the past (27:8-9, 18). Brothers and sisters, stop for a moment and consider God’s grace toward you in the past. For some of you, it may be the very recent past; for others of us, that past goes back a number of years. But for all of us, whether we were raised in Sunday School or in a tavern, as we look at the past we must say, “God has been gracious. He rescued me from a miry pit.” We were dead in trespasses and sins, “But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),... (Eph. 2:4-5).

* God’s favor in the present (27:8b). David was now the ruler over God’s people Israel. Think of God’s present grace toward you. Perhaps you’re thinking, “King! I’m not even the boss! I’m low man on the totem pole.” But as Paul continues in Ephesians 2:6, “[God] raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places, in Christ Jesus, ...” That is our present! We are called to exercise the authority of our risen Head here on earth over the spiritual forces of darkness!

* God’s favor in the future (27:10-16, 19). God makes the astounding promise to establish David’s kingdom forever. This promise was only partially fulfilled in Solomon and the other kings of David’s lineage. It was and will be yet completely fulfilled in the Lord Jesus Christ, born of the lineage of David, who will rule on the throne of David in His millennial kingdom.

And what of our future? Paul continues Eph. 2:7, “in order that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” We cannot even fathom the good things that God has stored up for us in the future!

It’s all of grace! We’re surrounded by it: Grace rescued us from a sinful past; grace sustains us in an exalted calling in the present; and grace will preserve us for a glorious future!

God’s grace ought to knock us over at times. Do you ever spend time sitting before the Lord, overwhelmed by His tremendous grace? There ought to be frequent times (the Lord’s Supper [“Eucharist,” giving of thanks] ought to be one such time) when we sit before the Lord and turn over and over in our minds every facet of God’s unmerited favor as if we were examining a rare cut jewel. A thankful heart is overwhelmed by God’s sovereign grace.

Thus a thankful heart is rooted in focusing on the sovereign grace of God. The thankful heart focuses on God, submits to His sovereign purpose, and revels in His sovereign grace.

2. The fruit: A thankful heart results in petition for the promises of God.

The thankful heart will pray for the fulfillment of God’s promises. Note that although God had promised to do all of these great things for David, David did not take the promises for granted. David took God’s promise and turned it into prayer for fulfillment (27:25-27, 29).

You ask, “Why do we need to pray if God has promised to do it? If He is sovereign and will accomplish His purpose, then why do we have to ask Him to do it?” I don’t understand all I know. But I know that part of the way God brings about His sovereign purpose is through the prayers of His people. God expects His servants who are recipients of His grace to take His promises and turn them into thankful prayer for His glory. God has spoken, but He delights in His servants who say, “Do as You have said, Lord, that Your name may be magnified” (27:25, 26).

Do you know what the Son of David has promised concerning His house, His church? “I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not overpower it” (Matt. 16:18). That is His promise. He expects His people, whose hearts are filled with thankfulness as they contemplate His sovereign grace, to take that promise and turn it into believing prayer: “Lord, build Your church, erect Your temple out of the lives of this community in order that Your name may be magnified forever!”

We need a bunch of warriors like David, whose hearts are filled with gratitude to God because of His sovereign grace, who will unite together to entreat the Lord to fulfill His promise by building the church in this community. God hasn’t shown us His grace so that we can live comfortably in our homes while His house needs to be built. He wants servants who will take His promise to build a house through the Son of David and turn it into petition that it may be done. We need to catch a bigger vision of what God has promised and of what He will do concerning His church in response to our prayers.

Conclusion

I realize that many of you are so mired in personal problems that it’s difficult, if not impossible, for you to lift your eyes to the sovereign purpose which God is doing in history. Maybe like David when he was running from Saul, you’re in survival mode. You can’t think about building God’s house until you have a measure of rest from the enemies of your soul. But remember that even when he was in survival mode, David was learning to trust the promises of God. He was learning to trust in God as his sufficiency. He was learning to give thanks through singing, even from the cave where he hid from Saul’s army (see Ps. 57)!

These things apply to you. There is a promise of God for every need in your life! What is your need this morning? Do you need freedom from guilt? He promises to forgive if you confess your sins (1 John 1:9). Do you feel lonely? “I am with you always” (Matt. 28:20). Do you need assurance? “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand.” (John 10:27-28). Are you troubled? “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful” (John 14:27).

Are you worried about financial pressures? “Do not be anxious then, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘With what shall we clothe ourselves?’ For all these things the Gentiles eagerly seek; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matt. 6:31-33). Do you struggle with powerful temptations? “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Cor. 10:13).

Whatever our need, it is covered by a promise of God! No matter how overwhelming our circumstances, we can have hope and be filled with thanksgiving because our God is the sovereign God who always acts in grace toward us. We can take His promises and turn them into prayer for His glory.

You may be thinking, “That’s great! But why don’t I see those promises fulfilled?” I don’t know. But you may want to ask yourself, “Why do I want to see these problems solved? Why do I want to see these needs met? Is it so that I will be comfortable and happy? Or is it so that God will be glorified and His name magnified through me?” The Lord isn’t interested in meeting all of our needs so that we can live happy, self-centered lives. He wants us to seek first His kingdom. He wants us to be burdened for His house. He wants us to be focused on Him, not on ourselves. He wants us to submit to His sovereign purpose. He wants us to revel in His grace. Then, from a thankful heart, He wants us to pray into reality His abundant promises so that He will be magnified.

A thankful heart stems from focusing on the sovereign grace of God and results in petition for the promises of God.

May we all deal with the sin of ingratitude and become a thankful people to the praise of the glory of His grace!

Discussion Questions

1. Should a person with major problems just deny them? How can such a person be focused on God, not on self?
2. Agree/disagree: The modern emphasis on self-esteem has damaged our appreciation of grace by telling us that we’re worthy, not unworthy.
3. Discuss the practical implications of the notion that God’s purpose is to make us happy versus the biblical truth that His purpose is to be glorified through us.
4. Why pray for that which God has already promised?

Copyright 1993, Steven J. Cole, All Rights Reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, © The Lockman Foundation

A little girl was invited for dinner at the home of her first-grade friend. The vegetable was buttered broccoli and the mother asked if she liked it. “Oh, yes,” the child replied politely, “I love it!”

But when the bowl of broccoli was passed, she declined to take any. The hostess said, “I thought you said you loved broccoli.” The girl replied sweetly, “Oh, yes ma’am, I do, but not enough to eat it!”

Do you love your family? “Of course I do!” We all would say that! It’s the only right answer. But what do you mean by love? So often we love our family like that little girl loved broccoli: We love in the abstract, but when it comes right down to it, we don’t want to get too close. In the words of the Apostle John, we love in word, but not in deed and truth (1 John 3:18).

What does biblical love look like? We know that our relationships in the family need to be marked by love. Husbands, especially, are to love their wives. But, wives, too, must love their husbands. Parents and children, brothers and sisters, must love one another. But how do we know what such love looks like in everyday dress?

Paul’s famous chapter on love, 1 Corinthians 13, tells us. The Corinthian church was emphasizing a good thing, spiritual gifts, to the neglect of the best. They were using their gifts apart from love. Paul makes the point that the use of their God-given gifts would amount to nothing if the Corinthians did not make love their priority.

Selfless love is the priority for every Christian.

These verses are the most eloquent and profound words ever written on the subject of love. To comment on its parts is a bit like giving a botany lecture on a beautiful flower--if you’re not careful you lose the beauty and impact of it. But we can profit from understanding the parts and applying it to family relationships.

In verses 1-3 he shows the preeminence of love, that love is greater than all spiritual gifts because without love, gifts are empty. In verses 4-7 he shows the practice of love, how love is greater than all spiritual gifts because of its selfless characteristics. In verses 8-13 he shows the permanence of love, that love is greater than all spiritual gifts because it outlasts them. We’re going to focus mainly on verses 4-7, where Paul describes how love acts. While in English most of these words are predicate adjectives, in Greek they are verbs. Love is not talk; it is action.

We’re all prone to apply verses like these to others: “My mate and my kids could sure use a lesson in love. But me? I’m basically a loving person. I’m really easy to get along with.” But I ask each of you to forget about everybody else and ask God to apply these verses to you.

Paul enumerates 15 characteristics of love to show how love acts or what it looks like in everyday life. A New Testament definition of agape is “a caring, self-sacrificing commitment which shows itself in seeking the highest good of the one loved.” Jesus Christ, in His sacrificial death on the cross, is the epitome and embodiment of this kind of love. A whole series of sermons could easily be preached on these qualities of love. But let’s look briefly at each of them.

1. Selfless love is patient.

Ouch! Why did he put that first? This often confronts me with my failure in relating to my family. Patience is an interesting quality in that when I don’t need it, I want it. It’s when things start to irritate or frustrate me that I need patience, but usually at that point I don’t want to be patient!

The Greek word comes from two words meaning, “long-tempered.” If you’re patient, you’re slow to anger, you endure personal wrongs without retaliating. You bear with others’ imperfections, faults, and differences. You give them time to change, room to make mistakes without coming down hard on them. Do you do that, men, with your wife and children?

I read a story of a man who had developed this quality to a far greater extent than I. During the late 1500’s, Dr. Thomas Cooper edited a dictionary with the addition of 33,000 words and many other improvements. He had already been collecting materials for eight years when his wife, a rather difficult woman, went into his study one day while he was gone and burned all of his notes under the pretense of fearing that he would kill himself with study. Eight years of work, a pile of ashes!

Dr. Cooper came home, saw the destruction, and asked who had done it. His wife told him boldly that she had done it. The patient man heaved a deep sigh and said, “Oh Dinah, Dinah, thou hast given a world of trouble!” Then he quietly sat down to another eight years of hard labor, to replace the notes which she had destroyed. (Paul Tan, Encyclopedia of 7700 Illustrations [Assurance Publishers, #2350.) Next time you think you’ve arrived at being patient, that will give you something to aim for!

2. Selfless love is kind.

Kindness is patience in action. The Greek word comes from a word meaning “useful.” A kind person is disposed to be helpful. He seeks out needs and looks for opportunities to meet those needs without repayment. He is tender and forgiving when wronged. The word was used of mellow wine, and suggests a person who is gentle, who has an ability to soothe hurt feelings, to calm an upset person, to help quietly in practical ways.

The kind person shows kindness in response to harsh treatment. Jesus said, “And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same thing. . . . But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men” (Luke 6:33, 35). The kindness of God leads us to repentance (Rom. 2:4). Kindness motivates others toward positive change.

As with patience, the real proving ground for kindness is the home. Are you kind to your wife and children? Do you do kind, useful things for them? Are you training your children to be kind to one another by the way you treat your wife and them? Love is not macho; love is kind.

3. Selfless love is not jealous.

The word means to eagerly desire, and it is used both positively and negatively in the Bible. Jealousy in the negative sense is related to greed and selfishness. The jealous person wants what others have, he wants things for himself. He is too selfish to applaud others’ success; he has to have all the attention. In the family, a jealous husband refuses to trust his wife. He doesn’t want to recognize her abilities and contributions. He is jealous of the time she spends with the children or with her friends. He wants it all for himself. James says that jealousy is often the source of quarrels and conflicts (James 4:2).

4. & 5. Selfless love does not brag and is not arrogant.

These ugly twins are related. They both stem from selfishness and are the flip side of jealousy. “Jealousy is wanting what someone else has. Bragging is trying to make others jealous of what we have. Jealousy puts others down; bragging builds us up” (John MacArthur, Jr., The MacArthur New Testament Commentary, 1 Corinthians [Moody Press], p. 341). Bragging is an outward manifestation of pride.

The braggart tries to impress others of his great accomplishments in order to make himself look good: “After all I’ve done for you, and you treat me this way!” But love isn’t trying to build up me; love is trying to build up the other person. Love is humble. The humble, loving person is aware that everything he has is an undeserved gift from God (1 Cor. 4:7). So he doesn’t boast, but thankfully uses what God has given to serve others.

6. Selfless love does not act unbecomingly.

The NIV translates, “It is not rude.” Love does not needlessly offend. Love has good manners. It is courteous, polite, sensitive to the feelings of others and always uses tact. The reason we are not courteous, of course, is that we are thinking only of ourselves and not of others.

I read of a man who was generally lacking in manners. He never opened the car door for his wife. “She doesn’t have two broken arms,” he would say. After many years of marriage, his wife died. At the funeral, as the pallbearers brought her casket out to the hearse, the husband was standing by the car door. The funeral director, who knew the husband by name, called out to him and said, “Open the door for her, will you?” He reached for the car door and then, for one second, froze. He realized that he had never opened the door for her in life; now, in her death, it would be the first, last, and only time. A lifetime of regret came crashing down around him. Love is not rude.

7. Selfless love does not seek its own.

It is not selfish, does not demand its rights. Alan Redpath said, “The secret of every discord in Christian homes, communities and churches is that we seek our own way and our own glory.” R. C. H. Lenski put it, “Cure selfishness, and you plant a Garden of Eden” (The Interpretation of I and II Corinthians [Augsburg], p. 557). Selfishness is the root problem of the human race; it is the antithesis of love, which is self-sacrificing.

Elisabeth Elliot was once speaking on this subject to an audience that included some young children who were sitting right in front of her. As she spoke, she wondered how she could make this plain to them, so that they could apply it. Later, she got a letter from one of those children, a six-year-old boy, who wrote, “I am learning to lay down my life for my little sister. She has to take a nap in the afternoon. I don’t have to take a nap. But she can’t go to sleep unless I come and lay down beside her. So I lay down with my little sister.” That boy is learning to love!

If husbands and wives, as well as children, would apply this verse as that little boy did, our homes would be free of conflict and an honor to Jesus Christ, who did not come to be served, but to serve and to give His life a ransom for many (Mark 10:45). Aren’t you glad Jesus didn’t insist on His rights? He would have stayed in heaven and we wouldn’t be saved!

8. Selfless love is not provoked.

The Greek word means to sharpen, stimulate, rouse to anger. Phillips paraphrases, “It is not touchy.” Love does not have a hair-trigger temper. Some people make everyone around them walk on eggshells. They’re easily offended. One little thing that doesn’t go their way and “KABOOM!” They use their temper to intimidate and to punish. When you confront them, they say, “Sure, I have a bad temper. But I get it all out and it’s over in a few minutes.” So is a bomb. But look at the devastation it leaves behind! When you’re angry, usually you’re not loving.

9. Selfless love does not take into account a wrong suffered.

This is an accounting word, used of numerical calculation. It is used of God not imputing our guilt to us, but instead imputing the righteousness of Christ to our account (Rom. 4:6-8). Love doesn’t keep a tally of wrongs and bear a grudge until every one is paid for. It doesn’t try to gain the upper hand by reminding the other person of past wrongs. Love forgives.

One married man said to his friend, “You know, every time my wife and I get into a conflict, she gets historical.” His friend said, “Historical? Don’t you mean hysterical?” “No, I mean historical. She rehearses everything I’ve ever done wrong in the whole history of our marriage.” That’s keeping score! That’s not love.

10. & 11. Selfless love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth.

These qualities are the flip side of one another. Moffatt puts it, “Love is never glad when others go wrong.” To rejoice in the truth means to be glad about behavior in accordance with the truth of God’s Word. If someone you don’t like falls into sin, you don’t gloat; you grieve, because God is grieved over sin. If they repent, you rejoice.

There is a fine balance to love. Although love is kind and overlooks the faults of others, it does not compromise the truth or take a soft view of sin. To allow another person to go on in sin, whether it is known sin or a blind spot, is not to seek his best; it is not love. Love will sensitively confront and correct precisely because it cares deeply and knows that sin destroys. Love rejoices with the truth. Love gets excited when it hears of spiritual victories. Love encourages by expressing joy over little evidences of growth. John, the apostle of love, wrote, “I have no greater joy than this, to hear of my children walking in the truth” (3 John 4).

12. Selfless love bears all things.

The word can mean either to bear up under or to protect by covering. If it has the first meaning, then it would be the same as “endures all things” (end of v. 7). I prefer the second meaning, to protect by covering. Love doesn’t broadcast the problems of others. Love doesn’t run down others with jokes, sarcasm or put-downs. Love defends the character of the other person as much as possible within the limits of truth. Love won’t lie about weaknesses, but neither will it deliberately expose and emphasize them. Love protects.

13. Selfless love believes all things.

The NIV translates, “Love always trusts.” This does not mean gullibility; it does mean that love is not suspicious and doubting of the other person’s character and motives without good reason, even if his actions offended you. If trust has been broken, then it needs to be earned again, step by step. But love believes the other person is innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven innocent. If there is a problem, love doesn’t jump immediately to blame the other person.

In the family, trust shows itself by not grilling the other person about every detail of his story, like an attorney cross-examining a defendant. It means believing in your kids, expressing confidence in them. I’m thankful that my parents trusted me as a teenager; it made me want to live up to that trust. One of my friends had parents who did not trust him, and he lived up to their distrust! Sometimes you will get ripped off when you trust, but love persists in trusting.

14. Selfless love hopes all things.

It is not pessimistic. It does not expect the one loved to fail, but to succeed. Love refuses to take failure as final. It exudes a godly optimism which says, “I know you can do it, because God in you is able!” It does not ignore reality. It doesn’t close its eyes to problems. But it rests on the promises of God, that He is working all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. And so love always hopes.

15. Selfless love endures all things.

The word “endures” is a military word meaning to sustain the assault of an enemy. It has the idea of holding up under trial, of perseverance in spite of difficulties. It means that love hangs in there. It is not just a passive, stoic attitude. It is a positive, triumphant spirit that sticks it out.

There is an epidemic among Christians of bailing out of tough situations. People don’t like something that happens in a church. They go find another church more to their liking. They run into problems or disagreements in their marriage, grow tired of the effort and bail out. “But,” you say, “isn’t adultery a legitimate grounds for divorce?” Technically, yes. But all too often one partner uses it as an excuse to bail out of a marriage where both partners have wronged one another repeatedly in many ways. I’m not minimizing the seriousness of adultery. It destroys trust and creates all sorts of problems in a marriage. I’m not suggesting that it’s easy to work through. It takes a lot of hard work to rebuild, a brick at a time. But God’s best is to forgive and renew the marriage, not to bail out. Love endures all things.

That’s how love acts. It is selfless, wholly directed to build the other person. Of course nobody can love like that. Only God is love (1 John 4:7). Put “Christ” in verses 4-7 instead of “love” and you have a description of Him. He is patient, kind, not jealous; does not brag, is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; does not seek His own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. If we want to love one another, we must focus on His love for us and walk in His Spirit who produces His love in us (Gal. 5:22).

Conclusion

Humorist Sam Levenson says, “Love at first sight is easy to understand. It’s when two people have been looking at each other for years that it becomes a miracle” (Reader’s Digest [3/83]). But it’s not really a miracle; it’s the result of yielding to God, repeatedly confronting our selfishness and daily practicing biblical love in our homes.

An old legend says that in his old age the apostle John was so weak that he had to be carried into the church meetings. At the end of the meeting he would be helped to his feet to give a word of exhortation. He would invariably repeat, “Little children, love one another.”

The disciples grew weary of the same words every time. Finally they asked him why he said the same thing over and over. He replied, “Because it is the commandment of the Lord, and the observation of it alone is sufficient.”

Someone has said that if we discovered that we had only five minutes left to say all we wanted to say, every telephone booth would be occupied by people calling other people to stammer that they loved them. Selfless love is our priority. “Pursue love” (14:1).

Discussion Questions

1. How does patience in love fit in with not tolerating sin? Does patience (even God’s patience) have a limit?
2. Love does not get provoked and yet God gets angry at our sin. How do you reconcile this? Is it wrong to get provoked about someone’s sin?
3. Love always trusts. But is it loving to trust a person who has repeatedly violated our trust? Where do you draw the line?
4. What would you say to someone who said, “Love is more important than doctrinal purity”? Can we love apart from truth?

Copyright 1995, Steven J. Cole, All Rights Reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, © The Lockman Foundation

It happens again and again, all across America. A couple meets. Something “clicks.” A romance begins. They fall in love. As they stand at the front of the church pledging their lives to one another, family and friends look on with beaming smiles. Everyone agrees that they are such a perfect couple.

But at some point after this idyllic scene, problems hit. The couple begins to discover that they are not as compatible as they had thought. The romance fades. Conflicts grow more intense and frequent. They finally conclude that they are no longer in love and go their separate ways, hoping to find someone the next time around who will be more compatible. I read recently of an actress who ended her 40-day marriage, claiming irreconcilable differences!

But the problem is rarely a lack of compatibility--no two people are compatible. The problem is not knowing how to solve conflicts God’s way, or not being willing to go God’s way. Any two people who live together in the closeness of marriage are going to have conflicts--even “spiritual Christians!” A good marriage isn’t one where two compatible people never have conflicts; a good marriage is one where two self-willed people have learned to submit to Christ and to work out their differences in Christian love. You will have a satisfying marriage to the degree that you learn to solve your conflicts God’s way. You don’t need to find a more compatible mate as much as you need to learn how to become a more compatible mate.

In Ephesians 4:17-32, Paul gives some principles for solving conflicts. He says that ...

We can solve conflicts if we put off the behavior of the old man and put on the behavior of the new man.

1. The source of conflicts--the old man (4:17-24).

The main source of conflicts is our old man (old nature). Some Bible teachers insist that believers do not have an old nature, but just a new nature, and that our propensity toward sin comes from the flesh (John MacArthur, Jr., The MacArthur New Testament Commentary, Ephesians [Moody Press], p. 164). I fail to see any biblical distinction between the old nature and the flesh. Whatever you call it, there is, even in the believer, a strong, indwelling disposition to do what we want rather than what God wants: “All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way ...” (Isa. 53:6). “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?” (James 4:1). That old sin nature (old man, flesh--I’m using these terms interchangeably) pits us against one another and results in conflicts.

A number of other factors also, when coupled with our sin nature, lead to conflicts: We come from different backgrounds and experiences (type of family, where we’re from, income levels, etc.); we have different habit patterns; different convictions and values; different perspectives and ways of thinking as men and women; different goals; etc. But with all these factors, the underlying reason for conflicts is our “old man” which is self-seeking, living to gratify its own desires.

But when you came to faith in Jesus Christ, a radical change took place: You became a new person in Christ. Your bent toward sin was not eradicated, but God made you a new person, created in righteousness and holiness of the truth (4:24). The power of the old man has been broken. When you were saved, you took it off like dirty clothes (4:22) and put on the new man like a suit of clean clothes (4:24). And you are involved in the ongoing process of renewing your mind (4:23). That process continues as you count as true in your experience and behavior the reality of the change spiritually that took place at salvation. You must believe what God says--that you are a new person in Christ; and you must act upon that truth in your behavior.

As you learn to believe what God says about you in Christ and to act upon it daily, you will learn to get along with other people, whether your mate or others, because you are daily dying to the old self. So you can solve conflicts by putting on the behavior of the new man, which Paul specifies in verses 25-32:

2. The solution to conflicts--the new man (4:25-32).

Paul spells out five behavioral changes of the new man:

A. The new man replaces falsehood with truth (4:25).

Paul is applying this principle to relationships in the church (“members of one another”). But how much more does it apply to married partners, who are one flesh with each other! There must be complete truthfulness if communication is to take place so that conflicts can be resolved.

At first blush, you may think, “That’s not my problem. I don’t lie; I’m honest.” But because we fear confrontation, or because “we don’t want to cause trouble,” or because we’re afraid that if our real feelings were revealed, the relationship might suffer, we often fail to speak the truth. I have counseled with wives who were ready to divorce their husbands. When I’ve asked if they’ve ever talked honestly with him about the problems, they say, “Oh, no, I couldn’t do that! He’d explode!” So they’d rather divorce him than speak truthfully to him about their problems!

Paul uses the analogy of the body here. If you get leprosy, your hand when it’s in pain does not communicate truthfully with your brain. You can actually burn your fingers off without knowing it. For healing and correction to take place, there must be truthful communication. You can’t deal with a problem you’re not aware of. To plaster over our feelings or thoughts and put on a happy face when there is a problem does not foster healthy relationships. In reality, that kind of behavior is more destructive than “speaking the truth in love.”

I’m not suggesting that a couple be ruthlessly honest in sharing everything. Some things don’t need to be shared. I can’t give a formula on what not to share (that’s another message in itself!). But I will say this: The motive in speaking the truth must not be selfish--to gain the upper hand, to further one’s own happiness, or “just to get it off my chest.” The motive must be to grow in godliness and help the other person grow by coming more fully under the lordship of Christ. In other words, the motive is biblical love, to seek the highest good of your mate because you care deeply for him or her. With that motive, a couple must learn to lay aside falsehood and speak truth so that conflicts can be resolved.

B. The new man replaces indifference with proper anger (4:26-27).

You would not think that a section dealing with proper relationships would include verse 26. “Are you sure the text is not missing the word ‘not’?” you might ask. But proper anger has a place in dealing with conflict. This verse has elicited a number of explanations. I think that Paul is implying that there is something worse than anger in relationships, namely, indifference. If you care deeply for someone, and he is repeatedly sinning, his sin should make you angry. Indifference shows that you aren’t loving. So Paul cites Psalm 4:4 (LXX) to say, “Allow the sin of the person to stir you up enough to deal with it.”

“But,” he quickly adds, “be careful! When you get angry about someone’s sin, it’s easy to cross the line into sinful, selfish anger. Don’t do that. In your anger, do not sin. And, don’t let it fester for days on end. Deal with it and put it aside, so that you don’t grow bitter. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger or you will give the devil an opportunity to lead you astray, too.” That is the proper sense of verses 26 & 27 as I understand it.

In other words, anger that flares up because I did not get my way or because someone has offended me, is sinful. Anger that blows up is never proper because it is not under control. We are to be slow to anger (James 1:19) because God is slow to anger (Exod. 34:6). Anger that clams up and does not confront a problem, but just goes into a slow burn, often with hateful or vengeful thoughts, is sinful because it’s acting on the basis of self, not for the purpose of seeking truth and reconciliation. Proper anger is motivated by the knowledge that sin destroys people. Its motive is restoration of the sinner and reconciliation of the relationship out of the desire for God to be glorified. Thus it attacks the problem, not the person.

Thus we have to be careful with anger in relationships. It’s easy to cross the line from righteous anger to selfish anger and thus to sin. It’s easy to justify selfish anger as righteous, when it’s not. But it’s also easy to back off from anger and become indifferent: “If he wants to destroy himself, that’s his problem! I couldn’t care less!” That’s also sin, because it’s motivated by selfishness. Self-sacrificing love becomes angry, angry enough to confront difficult problems, angry enough to take the initiative for reconciliation; but it’s careful not to sin.

C. The new man replaces selfishness with giving (4:28).

In 4:28, Paul is not talking primarily about marriage, of course. He’s talking about the need for Christians to be honest, hard-working people who are oriented toward giving, not taking. But there is a principle here that applies to resolving conflicts in any relationship. The old man is motivated by selfishness, out to get what he can for himself, preferably without any effort. He looks out for his own needs and isn’t concerned about others’ needs, except to exploit them for his own benefit. But you can never resolve conflicts if both parties are trying to exploit or to enrich themselves at the other’s expense.

The new man, however, is not lazy or self-centered. He works hard in order to give to the other person. He looks out for the needs of his mate and tries to meet those needs, even if it means hard work for himself. He is not in the relationship for what he can take, but for what he can give. Instead of complaining, “My mate isn’t meeting my needs,” he asks, “Am I meeting my mate’s needs?”

A main reason that many couples can’t resolve their differences is that they are thieves in their marriage. They rob their partners of love and respect. They don’t give them their time or, worst of all, they don’t give themselves. Replacing selfishness with giving is a key to resolving conflicts. With both partners looking out for the needs of the other, they can arrive at mutually agreeable solutions.

D. The new man replaces destructive speech with constructive speech (4:29).

We saw this principle last week in 1 Peter 3:8-12. Destructive speech that tears down the other person will not resolve conflicts. Proverbs 12:18 states, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” In other words, your tongue can be a sword to wound and kill, or it can be a scalpel to deal carefully with the problem and bring healing.

“Rotten speech” includes: Name-calling, sarcasm, ridicule, mockery, gossip, slander, blaming, destructive criticism, angry words of threat or revenge, griping, complaining, lying, profanity, and filthy talk or dirty jokes. Words whose purpose is to wound, not heal, must be put away.

We are not just to hold our tongue, however. We are to replace destructive words with constructive words that build up the other person at his point of need; and not because he deserves it, but because our God is gracious, and thus we are to be gracious in our speech. (Grace is undeserved favor.) There is a proper place for criticism or confrontation, but it should be with the goal of helping, not hurting. A good rule of thumb is, if it’s painful for you to criticize, you’re probably safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, hold your tongue. The motive should be to help the other person on to maturity in Christ. Correction should always be done in gentleness (Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 2:24-26). Our goal should never be to win. We want God to win by being glorified as we both submit to Him.

E. The new man replaces improper anger with kindness and forgiveness (4:31-32).

There are six behaviors of the old man we must put off: Bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice. All these terms describe the same selfish, sinful behavior, but from slightly different angles. Bitterness results from anger or hurt feelings which are not dealt with. It results from blaming or keeping score. It is long-term hostility. Wrath means outbursts of anger (from a word meaning “to boil”). Anger refers to a settled disposition or attitude, often with the purpose of revenge. Clamor means fighting with loud words, yelling, screaming or crying. Sometimes angry people try to intimidate by yelling; at other times, they try to manipulate with emotional outbursts. In either case, it’s selfish behavior aimed at getting one’s own way.

Slander means speaking against someone to another, trying to damage the person’s reputation so that you look good. Malice is a general term for any kind of ill-will toward a person. It means “having it in” for someone, where you want to see him brought down. It is the opposite of self-sacrificing love, which seeks to build up the other person.

All these actions of the old man hinder resolving conflicts. They are motivated by self and thus opposed to love. Thus they must be put off like dirty clothes. In their place, we can resolve conflicts if we put on the behaviors of the new man that we have become in Christ:

Kindness was used of mellow wine that is not harsh, that doesn’t bite. The word has the nuance of being useful. A kind person thinks of the other person’s needs and takes action to meet those needs. A kind husband allows his wife and children room to make mistakes without crawling all over them. He gives them time to grow and change. To be tender-hearted (we saw this word in 1 Pet. 3:8) means to feel deeply for one another. Love cares and shows it.

Forgiving one another. The Greek word points to undeserved favor. How God in Christ forgave you is the standard. He didn’t forgive you because you deserved it. As Jesus taught in His parable in Matthew 18:21-35, God has forgiven us an enormous debt, so that anything we forgive one another is small by way of comparison. Forgiveness is costly and difficult; but not forgiving is not an option for Christians (Matt. 6:14-15). Family members need to keep short accounts with one another. If you’re wrong, ask for forgiveness; if you were wronged, forgive in your heart even before the other person repents, and grant it the instant they ask you to forgive them.

Ogden Nash has a wise bit of verse: “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, when you’re wrong admit it, when you’re right, shut up.”

To resolve conflicts, put off the selfish behaviors of the old man and put on the loving behaviors of the new man. This opens the door for helpful communication and problem solving. But I skipped a verse. It is undoubtedly the key to solving conflicts in the family or with other Christians:

3. The key-solution to conflicts--the Holy Spirit (4:30).

It’s significant that right in the middle of a passage dealing with relationships, Paul mentions grieving the Holy Spirit! Specifically, rotten speech (4:29) grieves the Holy Spirit. This implies several things. First, our motive in having harmonious relationships is not so that we can live happily. Our motive should be not to grieve God or, to put it positively, to please God. The Holy Spirit is a person who can be grieved, not an impersonal force. At salvation, He sealed us for the day of redemption. The Spirit Himself is the seal, God’s personal mark of ownership on us. If we don’t have the Spirit indwelling us, we do not belong to Christ (Rom. 8:9). The reason we must seek to put off the behaviors of the old man and put on the behaviors of the new in our relationships is that we want to please the indwelling Spirit.

Also, we can’t separate our relationship with God and our relationships with one another. John says that if we say we love God, but we do not love our brother, we’re deceived (1 John 4:20). If a man claims to be a Christian, but he’s living for self, shredding relationships with his family and in the church, he’d better examine his relationship with God. At best, he’s grieving the Holy Spirit; at worst, he may not be saved.

To be solving conflicts in your marriage, you need to be cultivating your relationship with God through His Word. As you examine your life by the Word, you’ll learn what pleases the Lord and you’ll grow more sensitive to what grieves Him. Things like dishonesty, indifference, selfishness, abusive speech, and anger will prick your conscience as you realize how they grieve the Lord. So you’ll replace them with truthfulness, caring confrontation, giving, words that build up, and kindness.

Conclusion

If there’s frequent conflict in your home, I’d ask you to examine yourself. Are you putting off the selfish behavior of the old man and putting on the loving behavior of the new man out of a desire to please the Lord who gave Himself so that you could be forgiven? The bad news is: Yes, you, your spouse and children are incompatible! The good news is: In Christ, there can be true harmony and the resolving of conflicts if we learn to put off the old way of life and put on the new life He has graciously provided for us.

Discussion Questions

1. How can we know how honest to be? Should we share every secret thought?
2. How can we determine whether our anger is sinful or righteous?
3. How can we know when to confront and when to let something go?
4. How can a Christian who has been deeply hurt truly forgive?

Copyright 1995, Steven J. Cole, All Rights Reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, © The Lockman Foundation

Marla and I used to enjoy the TV series, “Little House on the Prairie.” One of my favorite episodes was when Charles and Carolyn (the father and mother) left their little farm to travel to Milwaukee for a 25-year high school class reunion. They discovered that most of their old friends had become wealthy and sophisticated. The simple Charles and Carolyn just didn’t fit in with the high-society, well-to-do crowd. But while their friends had it made financially and appeared successful, it also was apparent that they had unhappy marriages and empty lives. At the end of the program, Charles and Carolyn got off the stage coach back in front of their humble little farm house. As their children bounded out of the house, delighted to welcome them home with hugs, Charles remarked to Carolyn, “Now if that’s not success, I don’t know what is!”

“Amen!” In America, we wrongly view success in terms of money, fame, or career success. But God views success in terms of godly, loving family relationships. I want to talk about how to raise godly grandchildren. I say grandchildren, rather than just children because the real test of child rearing is the third generation, not just the second. Of course God wants us to raise godly children. But the true test of the process is whether or not our children raise godly children. If the parents are spiritually lukewarm, the children often will be stone cold. The grandchildren will be completely pagan.

So how can we, as Christian parents, raise up godly generations? Deuteronomy 6 has some answers (6:2, “grandsons”). Moses preached this to Israel as they prepared to enter the land of Canaan. They would face many temptations in the land. They would be surrounded by pagans. He says that ...

To raise up godly grandchildren you must love God fervently, teach your children diligently, and live in the world carefully.

The result is that it will be well with you (6:3) under God’s blessing.

1. To raise up godly grandchildren, you must love God fervently (6:4-6).

The most important requirement for raising godly children and grandchildren is for you to have personal reality with God. You communicate what you are. You cannot pass on to your children what you do not possess. And, you will note, at the heart of personal reality with God is solid theology. Verse 4 is called the “Shema” (from the Hebrew, “Hear”). The call to hear implies that the following words have extreme significance and that we must grapple with applying them personally. What we are to hear is, “Yahweh is our God; Yahweh is one.” It can also be rendered, “Yahweh is our God; Yahweh alone.” It means that Yahweh and only Yahweh is the true and living God, and He alone is to be the object of our worship. As the Lord proclaims through Isaiah, “I am the Lord, and there is no other; besides Me there is no God” (Isa. 45:5). He is one God, not three gods, although He exists in three persons, as revealed several places in the Old Testament, and made explicit in the New.

The only way we come to know this only true God is by His revelation to us of Himself through His Word. In other words, the living and true God is not a composite of the speculations of the great religious thinkers down through the ages. Rather, He is! He has existed from eternity, unchangeable in His attributes, perfect in all His ways. He has been gracious to reveal Himself to us. This very chapter reveals a number of things about God: His unity and exclusivity (6:4, 13-14); His personality (we can have a love relationship with Him, 6:5); His grace to His chosen people, as seen in keeping His covenant (6:10-11); the reverence and worship due to Him (6:13); His jealousy and anger (6:15); His sovereignty over trials (6:16); His absolute authority (He commands us how to live, 6:17); His redemption of His people, as seen in the exodus (6:20-23); and, His goodness (6:10-11, 24).

What I’m getting at is that to rear godly offspring, we must love God fervently. But to love God is more than having wonderful feelings about some vague being who is partly the projection of our imagination. One well-known TV preacher says that he follows Jesus because Jesus is such a positive person. That’s not the Jesus of the Bible! That’s a “Jesus” of that man’s imagination! To love God, we must know Him as He has revealed Himself in His Word. Thus at the root of raising godly generations is being people who are theologically grounded because we love God’s Word and are steeped in it.

I’m seeking to counter the strong anti-doctrinal bias that permeates current American Christianity. We cannot raise up godly children unless we know God ourselves. We are deceived to think that we know God if we just sit around singing songs that make us feel good about God as we conceive Him to be, but if we aren’t grounded in Scripture. Our kids need to see in our daily lives a love for God’s Word which reveals God to us.

Coupled with and built upon solid theology is a fervent, heart love for the Lord. The idea of “heart, soul, and might” (Jesus adds “mind”--Matt. 22:37) is a total-person love for God. Every area of our being must be consumed with and subservient to this great quest of loving God. The love of God is not some ethereal, mystical thing. Nor is it just having warm feelings about God. As Jesus and the apostle John make clear, if you love God, you keep His commandments (John 14:21, 23; 15:10, 14; 1 John 5:3). And so the great goal of knowing God through His Word is a life of obedience motivated by God’s great love for us as seen in His plan of redemption at the cross.

As soon as you mention obedience, many modern Christians think “legalism.” Obedience can become legalistic when people do it outwardly to look good before others, but their hearts are far from devotion to God. Some of the Jews, for example, obeyed verses 8 and 9 quite literally. They wore these verses in little boxes strapped to their hands and foreheads, and they put them in a little box by their doors and on their gateposts. But they missed the sense of the passage, which is that the Word of God is to permeate every area of life. The results were ultimately disastrous, because it was the religious Pharisees, who outwardly kept the law to the letter, who rejected the Messiah who preached the need for inward reality.

There are Pharisees in the church today, who lay down rules that are not in the Bible in an attempt to get their kids to look like good Christians to the rest of the church. But they themselves are judgmental of those who don’t meet their manmade standards, they gossip, they’re proud. That’s not biblical obedience. Biblical obedience goes down to the heart level, where God’s Word judges our sinful thoughts, motives, and attitudes. The obedience of faith means that out of love for the God who showed me mercy at the cross, I seek to be conformed to Christ in the inner man.

My spiritual heroes are men who blend solid theology with a fervent love for the Lord and who also preach holiness. John Calvin, known as a theologian, loved God. Read him and he will feed your soul! Jonathan Edwards is known as one of the most profound thinkers and theologians ever born in America, and yet he loved God fervently. He tells of a time when he was walking in the woods, meditating on God, when he became so caught up with the excellencies of God that for about an hour, as far as he could judge, he was in a flood of tears, weeping aloud, filled with an ardency of soul that he describes as “emptied and annihilated; to lie in the dust, and to be full of Christ alone; to love Him with a holy and pure love; to trust in Him; to live upon Him; to serve and follow Him; and to be perfectly sanctified and made pure, with a divine and heavenly purity” (Iain Murray, Jonathan Edwards [Banner of Truth], p. 100).

Another such man was Martyn Lloyd-Jones, whose expositions of Scripture are theological meat. But he was no stuffy, academic scholar. In reaction to those who say that scholarship means that we must be calm and without passion, he exclaims, “Out with the suggestion! That is quenching the Spirit! The Apostle Paul breaks some of the rules of grammar; he interrupts his own argument. It is because of the fire! We are so decorous, we are so controlled, we do everything with such decency and order that there is no life, there is no warmth, there is no power! But that is not New Testament Christianity; ...” (The Christian Warfare [Baker], p. 273).

Good teachers always love their subject. When you sit under a good teacher, you get infected with his love of what he’s teaching, even if it’s a subject that at first bored you. If you want to teach your children to follow God, you’ve got to love God fervently. His Word must be on your heart. One reason many Christian parents see their kids grow up and not follow God is that the parents are lukewarm. They’ve lost their first love for God. Your kids can smell phoniness or hypocrisy, and it will not attract them to the Savior. But if they see you walking with God daily, loving His Word, applying it to your life, and growing in holiness as you learn to obey Him, your love for God will be infectious. That’s the foundation for Christian parents.

2. To raise up godly grandchildren you must teach your children diligently (6:7-9, 20-25).

The word “teach diligently” in Hebrew means literally to sharpen or whet. It may have the idea of repetition. Your teaching should penetrate your child deeply so that it has an effect on him (the NIV translates it “impress”). You come at it from every angle, at all times, and in every situation (6:7). As mentioned, the Hebrews came to take verses 8 and 9 literally. But the idea rather is that God’s commandments are central in your life so that you’re thinking about them every time you turn around. As we’ve seen, this is an overflow of your own walk with God. If God’s Word is on your heart continually, then you’ll be talking about it constantly with your kids.

Verse 7 assumes that you do, in fact, take the time to sit down in your house to talk with your family (with the TV off, I might add!). If you’re so busy as a family that you don’t all sit down to at least one meal a day on a regular basis, you need to change your schedules. At that time, you should read a portion of the Bible and spend a brief time in prayer. You may also want to sing. We also read the Global Prayer Digest and pray for the unreached people group mentioned. When your children are young, keep it short and stick to the story parts of the Bible. As they get older, you can venture into more didactic portions, like Romans. Even though we’ve done this for years, it still takes diligence to keep at it. The phone invariably rings when we’re reading the Bible. Tell them to call back later! You’ve got to make it a priority and persevere in it.

Men, as the spiritual head of the family, it is your responsibility to make sure that this happens! Many Christian fathers wrongly think that child rearing is the wife’s task. But most of the biblical commands are aimed at the father. This also means that if you’re counting on the Sunday School to train your children, you’re failing as a father. Sunday School is fine, but it’s no substitute for family times in God’s Word and prayer.

“When you walk by the way” implies teaching your kids when you go places together. Maybe it’s just to the grocery store. Or maybe it’s a family outing or a hike together. Those are choice opportunities to talk about the way other people act and why, and how Christians are to act, and to point out God’s beauty through His creation. “When you lie down” points to bed time as a great opportunity to talk with your children and pray with them. “When you rise up” implies that mornings are another opportunity to teach your children. Teach them how to start the day off right with the Lord. Again, your example teaches a lot. If your kids are always grumpy in the morning, show them and tell them how to start off with a cheerful heart.

Binding God’s commands on your hand means that you should teach your children God’s ways by your actions. Putting them on your forehead means that your thoughts and attitudes should communicate God’s truth. Putting them on the doorposts points to the home life as a setting for teaching God’s truths. The gate points to civic or social life as another chance to talk about God. Discuss national and world events with your kids from God’s perspective. Moses is saying that everything you think and do, from the bedroom to the business world, should be permeated with the Word of God. And you should teach your children how God’s Word applies to every area of their lives as you live in a godly manner before them.

You need to answer your children’s questions about God and the Christian life (6:20-25). When your son asks about spiritual things, you are not to say, “Go ask your mother!” The fathers were to explain the great deliverance which God brought about for His people. The exodus in the Old Testament is parallel to God’s redemption at the cross in the New Testament. Dads, you should explain the great truths of salvation to your kids. The dad shouldn’t respond to his children’s questions by saying, “That’s just the way we believe,” or, “Because I said so!” Your child needs to understand the “why” behind things as he grows older. Notice, too, how the dad is to explain that God’s commands are for our good (6:24). God gives many negative commands, but not because He is a heavenly killjoy. He cares for us and wants to bless us; obedience is the way to experience His blessing. So the godly father presents God’s truth in this wholesome, helpful, explanatory way.

The Bible is not some pious book to display on the coffee table and dust off for births, weddings, and funerals. It’s a book that applies to every aspect of life. It tells us what to think and how to act, from the most private to the most public details of our lives. We need to teach that to our kids and have the kind of open communication where we can talk about all these areas. If you want to raise up godly grandchildren, you must love God fervently and you must teach your children diligently. Finally,

3. If you want to raise up godly grandchildren, you must live in the world carefully (6:10-19).

Moses warns Israel of the spiritual dangers that they will face when they settle into Canaan. It’s easy to drift into the ways of the world. I point out two safeguards from these verses:

(1) Continually examine yourself. “Watch yourself” (6:12)! There’s a progression that sets in when times are good: Satisfaction (6:11); forget the Lord (6:12); follow other gods (6:14). There is a sense in which it’s easier to trust the Lord when times are hard. If it was not legal to gather as a church, every one with the courage to come here would be actively trusting in the Lord. But since we have it pretty easy and live comfortably, you don’t have to trust God to be here. Probably some of you are coasting spiritually. You’ve gotten lulled into the lifestyle of this world and are even worshiping some of its gods.

You say, “What? We’re Christians! We don’t worship false gods!” Really? What about the god of affluence? Are you giving generously to further God’s work? What about the god of pleasure? Often this god comes in a 21-inch box that many of the Lord’s people sit before for several hours a night while it spews filth into their homes. Their commitment to worship this god prevents them from studying their Bibles or praying or teaching their kids God’s ways or serving the Lord. It’s easy to forget the Lord and the great salvation He provided (6:13).

Or what about the god of personal peace? This is the god we follow for the benefits he gives. As things go well, you worship him. But when trials hit or hard problems come along, you abandon this god. Israel treated the living God this way at Massah (6:16; see Exod. 17:1-7). They grumbled because there wasn’t any water and wanted to go back to slavery in Egypt rather than endure this trial. How you handle trials teaches your kids a lot about God! You need to examine yourself continually.

(2) Constantly focus on pleasing God. “You shall do what is right and good in the sight of the Lord” (6:18). Every aspect of life--my thoughts, attitudes, words, deeds, schedule, possessions--must be lived with a view toward pleasing the Lord. Your goal is to teach your kids to please God in all of their lives. They have to answer to God, and if you only teach them to obey you, it won’t work when you’re not around. If you continually examine yourself and constantly focus on pleasing God in light of His Word, you won’t live like the Canaanites. You won’t be seeking the things they spend their lives going after. You will be growing in godliness. When you sin against your family, you confess it and seek their forgiveness. Your kids will see the reality of your love for God. They will want to follow Him too.

Conclusion

Do solidly Christian homes make a difference? In 1677 an immoral man named Max Jukes married a licentious woman. Over 1,200 descendants of that marriage were studied. Of these, over 400 were physically wrecked by lives of debauchery; 310 were professional vagrants; 130 were sent to the penitentiary for an average of 13 years each, including 60 thieves and 7 murderers; 190 were public prostitutes; 100 were alcoholics. Of the 20 who learned a trade, 10 learned it in prison.

Another family studied was that of the godly Jonathan and Sarah Edwards, the great New England revival preacher and president of Princeton University. Over 300 of his descendants became ministers, missionaries, and theological professors. Over 100 were college presidents and professors. More than 100 were lawyers and judges. More than 60 were physicians. More than 60 were authors or editors of books and journals. Eighty-six were state senators, three were U.S. Congressmen, and one became Vice President of the United States (although he, Aaron Burr, Jr., did not follow the Lord). No reference was made of anyone spending time in jail or being on welfare.

Remember, no one ever got to be 65 and said, “I wish I’d spent more time on my business.” But many lament that they neglected their families. True success is raising up godly children and grandchildren. To do it, you must love God fervently, teach your children diligently, and live in the world carefully. How is your walk with the Lord today? Is it vital and growing, or lukewarm? Are you diligently involved in teaching your children and grandchildren the things of God? Are you being careful to maintain a distinctive lifestyle and not get sucked into the world system? If you’ve been negligent, the Lord is rich in mercy if you will turn back to Him today.

Discussion Questions

1. Does the Bible promise for certain that if we raise our children properly they will not go astray?
2. What are some ways to guard ourselves from losing our first love for the Lord, or for restoring it if it’s gone (see Rev. 2:4-5)?
3. Which is more important in child rearing: A parent’s fervent love for God or proper techniques and methods?
4. How can a man who feels spiritually inadequate learn to lead his family and train his children in the things of God?

Copyright 1995, Steven J. Cole, All Rights Reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, © The Lockman Foundation