神是全能的，也是無所不知的。但你近來可曾思考神和空間的關係？我所說的並不是外太空，而是祂和世界所有地方的關係。你所敬拜的神是一位無處不在的神。耶利米說得好：「耶和華說：『人豈能在隱密處藏身，使我看不見他呢？』耶和華說：『我豈不充滿天地麼？』」（耶利米書23:24）

這經文的意思是不管我們在那裡，神都在那裡。它指就是這時這刻，神就在你身邊，如果你是一名基督徒，祂用一個特別的方式和你在一起：祂全然地、並且全神貫注地與你在一起。然而，祂在同一個時間，同一方式與我同在，也和世上的所有弟兄姊妹同在。祂的全知與無處不在有著密不可分的關係。詩人明白這一點，並讚嘆神奇妙的本質！

在詩篇139:1-4，詩人察覺到神知道他的一切。

139:1 耶和華啊，你已經鑒察我，認識我。2我坐下，我起來，你都曉得；你從遠處知道我的意念。3 我行路，我躺臥，你都細察；你也深知我一切所行的。4 耶和華啊，我舌頭上的話，你沒有一句不知道的。5 你在我前後環繞我，按手在我身上。6 這樣的知識奇妙，是我不能測的，至高，是我不能及的。

…詩人把神對我們深深的認識與祂和我們同在聯合起來：

139:7 我往哪裡去躲避你的靈？我往哪裡逃、躲避你的面？8 我若升到天上，你在那裡；我若在陰間下榻，你也在那裡。9 我若展開清晨的翅膀，飛到海極居住，10 就是在那裡，你的手必引導我；你的右手也必扶持我。11 我若說：黑暗必定遮蔽我，我周圍的亮光必成為黑夜；12 黑暗也不能遮蔽我，使你不見，黑夜卻如白晝發亮。黑暗和光明，在你看都是一樣。

…詩人將神的知識、存在與祂創造的大能結合。神創造我們和為我們的生命定下計劃（參使徒行傳17:24-28）：

139:13 我的肺腑是你所造的；我在母腹中，你已覆庇我。14 我要稱謝你，因我受造，奇妙可畏；你的作為奇妙，這是我心深知道的。15 我在暗中受造，在地的深處被聯絡；那時，我的形體並不向你隱藏。16 我未成形的體質，你的眼早已看見了；你所定的日子，我被造的肢體尚未有其一，你都寫在你的冊上了。（另參耶利米書1:5）

詩人最終敏銳地、清晰地明白自己的有限和只是受造物、與神的全知、無所不在和全能成對比。這不是很奇妙嗎！

139:17 神啊，你的意念向我何等寶貴！其數何等眾多！18 我若數點，比海沙更多；我睡醒的時候，仍和你同在。

…最終的結果，我們祈望在世上和我們自己的生命建立神的國。

139:19 神啊，你必要殺戮惡人；所以，你們好流人血的，離開我去罷！ 20 因為他們說惡言頂撞你；你的仇敵也妄稱你的名。21 耶和華啊，恨惡你的，我豈不恨惡他們麼？攻擊你的，我豈不憎嫌他們麼？22 我切切地恨惡他們，以他們為仇敵。23 神啊，求你鑒察我，知道我的心思，試煉我，知道我的意念，24 看在我裡面有甚麼惡行沒有，引導我走永生的道路。

以上種種到底有甚麼分別呢？讓我們一起思考。神的無處不在是指當我們出發到各地傳揚福音和建立信徒時，耶穌基督和我們在一起。祂告訴門徒天上地下所有的權柄都賜給祂了，吩咐他們去使萬民成為祂的門徒和遵守祂的教導，祂並且說：「我就常與你們同在，直到世界的末了。」（參馬太福音28:19-20；另參創世記28:15）

祂無處不在，表示當人認信基督的時候，在關係上會產生一些問題，基督徒因為知道基督與他們同在，可以一起解決這些問題。在馬太福音18:20，當耶穌談及教會紀律時，他說「因為無論在那裡，有兩三個人奉我的名聚會（即恢復一名犯了罪的弟兄姊妹），那裡就有我在他們中間。」當中的真理是耶穌在信徒中間，不管是一個或一百個。但祂希望我們知道，祂不會在門徒出現困難的地方捨棄我們。當我們要處理一名犯了罪的弟兄、面對配偶、處理年青人的問題、解僱一名僱員、滿足我們的孩子在工作上的合法期望、面對工作上的困難、應對憤怒的客戶等，我們可以倚靠祂的同在。

因此，神無處不在的真理是好信息，因為它給我們保證，不論神呼召我們作甚麼，或容許甚麼事情在我們身上出發生，祂都與我們同在，不撇下我們，不丟棄我們

Wisdom from the Word

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24 (NASB)

Understanding God’s Design

Even before the first man and woman sinned, God established marriage. It is not a prison established by culture but a beautiful institution created by God for the best in family and society. The first home was perfect, without argument or selfishness or hostility. In order to understand the basic principles of marriage, we must go back to the beginning, before sin marred God’s perfect plan.

God is the author of marriage. So often we seek answers to our marriage problems from the world—psychologists, secular family counselors, friends, or even the Oprah Show—instead of from the only One who knows. Where have you sought help for your marriage? Have you been guilty of thinking that people know more than God?

Why have we as a culture discarded God’s principles? I think it is because we think we know better than God, Whose book is outdated. As a result, our society has not improved, but our homes, even in the church, are falling apart.

This week we begin our adventure of discovering what God says about His plan for marriage. As you read the Scriptures, take the time to write down your responses to the questions. At the end of the lesson, you will consider how the week’s principle can affect your life.

Read Genesis 2:18-25.

This is the beautiful account of God’s creation of marriage. God could have chosen to make the man and the woman at the same time, but He put the man in a position to value the woman after having a good look at the animals. The man could see that there was no one to whom he could relate from among the creatures. Imagine his excitement to see the match made in heaven just for him! Although there are fundamental physical differences in men and women, God designed those differences to enhance our relationships and bring us together rather than apart.

In this context, God sets out the first principle we need to consider, oneness.

1. Copy Genesis 2:24 below and work on memorizing it as our Wisdom from the Word this week. You might want to write it on a 3x5 card so you can either carry it with you to review during the day or to place in a strategic spot where you will see it frequently during the week. Memorizing it will help you when you need to remember the principle as it applies to your life in different ways.

2. List from this verse three (3) things that should characterize your marriage. (Hint: the first two are verbs.)

Notice that all three of these relate to the oneness that God desires us to have in our marriages. In a few weeks we will consider “one flesh” as it applies to the marriage union sexually. Right now let’s look more closely at the second of the three building blocks mentioned in this verse by considering the meaning of the Hebrew. It is often helpful to our understanding to go back to the meaning in the original language so we better understand what God is saying.

The word “cleave” (KJV) or “unites with” (NET) involves a bonding together, much like gluing two things. The Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament gives synonyms for the Hebrew word: “cling to, stick to, stick with, join to”.¹

When something breaks at our house, my husband often uses super glue to bond the pieces together. In fact, the bond is so strong that he has to be careful not to get the glue on his hand or he will become permanently attached to it as well!

3. What insights does this give you about oneness with your husband?

4. Cleave “carries the sense of clinging to someone in affection and loyalty.”² Name some ways in which a wife shows loyalty to her husband.

We need to consider what it means to “cleave” so that we can better understand what it means to “leave.” Leave involves more than distance. It is an attitude of the heart. God’s plan for marriage involves oneness. In order for two to become one, they cannot still be attached to anyone else, parents or siblings or friends. They cannot cleave unless they leave their family of origin. There are women who have left their homes in distance but not emotionally or financially. There are women who live next door to their parents and yet have “left” them.

5. Why is it impossible for a woman to cleave to, or become one with a husband without leaving her family?

Please understand that this does not mean that you cannot love your family and talk to them, etc.; however, there is a point at which you are can be attached to them so strongly that you fail to leave as you should. Sometimes it is the parents who cannot let the child leave. However, notice that the verse clearly calls the child to leave, not the parents to force them out. The responsibility is upon you to make the break from your home. You may need to help them let go.

God’s Word gives few examples of homes where the family is following His design. However, we do have a picture of leaving and cleaving that helps us understand the meaning. It comes from the story of Ruth. Although Ruth speaks these words to her mother-in-law rather than her husband, the principle is clear. That is why these verses are so often quoted in wedding ceremonies.

Read Ruth 1:1-18.

6. Why is Ruth willing to leave her home? Think of the difficulty of travel and communication at this time. Put yourself in her place. How committed is she to Naomi?

7. Ruth clearly embodies the sense of clinging to someone in affection and loyalty that we saw in the definition of cleave. List the ways she says she will cling to Naomi.

Oneness involves the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of your life. If you are to be one with your husband, it involves all these areas. The truth is that building this type of intimacy is a lifelong task. It takes time and attention to have oneness in the marriage relationship. We will take this up again in a later lesson on intimacy. Just realize that there can be no true unity unless both parties are believers. A later lesson will deal with the unbelieving or disobedient husband.

Read 2 Cor. 6:14-18.

8. What reasons are given here not to marry unbelievers or be bound with them in any union?

In my marriage we had many differences in background and in perspectives on issues. However, over the years I have seen us grow in oneness in all areas—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I think the key for us was truly leaving and cleaving. That forced us to depend upon one another and learn to communicate and discuss our differences of opinion. Oneness is a process that can never occur without following the principle of leaving and cleaving.

 

Building Your Marriage with God’s Design

Let’s take the principle of oneness and apply it to your life today, exactly where you live. Failure to implement oneness in marriage can lead to major problems. Please meditate carefully upon your response to these questions:

9. Review the words of Ruth in Ruth 1:16-17. Married women: How well have you left your home and joined to your husband according to Ruth’s example? Go phrase by phrase through these verses and write down in the first person your response. I have given you the first phrase as an example. Single women: Go phrase by phrase and express your willingness to respond to your future husband in this way.

“Where you go, I will go”—I am/am not willing to follow my husband wherever he goes, to whatever city or place, no matter how far from my family home (with a good attitude).

When I got married, my parents said that I was now part of a new home permanently, no longer part of their home. I was to stay with Gary because he and I were now a family. At one point when I was disgruntled and discontent in my marriage, I wanted to just quit and yet, I knew that I could not go back to my parents’ home because that door was closed. My parents were wise enough to force me to “leave” and to help me understand what that meant intellectually and practically. There was no going back. Truly their attitude saved my marriage, forcing me to cut the ties that bound me to them.

10. Married women: With these things in mind, answer honestly: Do you see yourself as part of a whole in your marriage or do you consider yourself an independent agent? Write down some examples of situations where you “do your own thing” without considering how it affects your unity with your husband. Then answer the question. Single women: Are you willing to put your husband and your marriage before yourself? In what ways do you expect that to be a challenge?

11. Name some specific ways in which a wife would have to leave her family in order to cleave to her husband and truly be one with him.

12. Married women: Have you left your family, both physically and emotionally? In order to answer this question, think about how you react when your husband disagrees with your parents or when they criticize him. Is your loyalty to him or do you join their criticism? I have known women who take gifts and money from their parents knowing that their husbands would not approve. Have you been guilty of going behind your husband’s back to your parents for anything? Do you depend upon them emotionally rather than your husband? Are you depending upon them for anything? If so, what do you need to do about it?

13. Married women: Truly consider whether you put your family before your husband. What if they wanted to visit at a time that would be difficult for you as a family and your husband objected? Is there any situation where you have put their wants and/or needs before his?

14. Consider Prov. 31:11-12. How do you see the principle of oneness lived out in the model of the excellent wife? Married women: Are these verses true of you? Why or why not?

Parenting with God’s Design

The principle of oneness impacts your parenting as well as your relationship with your husband.

15. Married women: Have you been guilty of disagreeing with your husband’s discipline in front of your children, in his presence or behind his back? Give an example. What does this teach your children?

16. Applying the principle of oneness means that your husband comes before your children. Married women: Do you put your children first or your husband? Be specific. Single women: Will you be willing to put a new husband before your children? How might it be difficult?

One way in which I put my husband first was in my children’s bedtime. We set an early time so that he and I could have some time together. Perhaps you let your children interrupt your conversations with your husband. Perhaps their schedules take priority over your husband’s needs. There are many practical applications of oneness in building your home.

17. Married women: What do you need to change in your attitude and/or actions in order to be one with your husband as you relate to your children?

Wisdom from a Mentor’s Marriage (Betsy)

I grew up in a middle class home where my Dad worked very hard and my mom stayed at home. While my family did not have extravagant tastes and big spending habits, my parents did provide me with most everything I wanted, including a four-year college education. Upon graduation, they gave me a brand new car and a bedroom of new furniture for my new apartment.

As I worked as a schoolteacher, my parents continued to give me "extras" every so often, although I paid for all my expenses. In a few years, I met Milton and fell in love.

Milton grew up in a family of six children. He worked summers as a teenager for spending money, and then paid his own way through college. The day he graduated from high school, he was basically on his own financially.

We married in our mid-twenties, both having had a few years of career under our belts. The conflicts began when my parents continued to give us those "extras". I saw nothing wrong with their generosity! Milton saw it as them spoiling me, crossing over into his territory as my provider, and as an insult to his manhood!

This reached a crisis when Milton and I were planning a snow skiing trip our first year of marriage. He had some very tacky ski pants he had gotten from Goodwill. He had a terribly ugly ski jacket, and he had a vinyl cap with earflaps for a hat! I was not about to be seen with him looking like a joke! So, I hinted to my parents that we would like some new ski clothes for Christmas and of course they were happy to provide. Well, when Milton found out about this, he hit the roof. He was insistent that he was now my provider as well as purchaser of his own clothes, and as his wife I was to respect his wishes in this area. I wanted to stay married to him, and although I loved my parents and their generous hearts, I chose to tell them to hold off on so many gifts and that Milton would provide for us.

Of course my parents in no way felt like Milton was a poor provider. They just loved to give. But Milton, being my husband, was whom I had to choose and to respect.

That ski trip was difficult for my pride...he refused to buy anything new to wear for himself, although he let me buy some new ski gear. He looked horrid on the slopes, and I have some pictures to prove it, but I believe it was one step I took towards saying I had left my parents and was cleaving to him—one step to expressing my love for him, even if it cost me a few "extras".

Summing It Up

18. Explain in your own words the principle of oneness, of leaving and cleaving, as you might teach it to a friend who is having problems in her marriage.

19. Write a prayer dealing with two things: 1. Confess any sin uncovered by this lesson. It is sin not to follow God’s design. 2. Married women: Express your commitment to God to take one specific action today or this week to build oneness in your relationship with your husband. Single women: Ask God for the grace to be one with your husband when you marry. Write down specific areas that you expect to be difficult.

---

¹ Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament, vol. 1; eds. R. Laird Harris, Gleason L. Archer, Jr., Bruce K. Waltke (Chicago: Moody Press, 1980), 177.

² Ibid., 178.

Wisdom from the Word

“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and the one who is guilty of violence,” says the sovereign LORD. “Pay attention to your conscience, and do not be unfaithful.”

Malachi 2:16 (NET)

Understanding God’s Design

Perhaps you have heard that marriage is a covenant relationship. What does that mean practically? How does that affect us day to day? A covenant is the most binding commitment you can make to another person. It is a serious vow and should never be taken lightly, either before or after the ceremony. Our promises in covenant are taken before God Himself. Many of the traditions of our wedding ceremonies come from age-old covenant symbolism.

A covenant is the kind of commitment that God makes to us.

Read Hebrews 10:15-18.

The context of this passage contrasts the Old Covenant, or the Law, with the New Covenant we have with Christ. Under the Old Covenant the Jews made sacrifices day after day because their sins needed to be constantly covered. The animals’ blood did not in reality pay for those sins but merely covered them until the true Lamb of God, Jesus Christ, could come and shed His own perfect blood to wash away all the sins of those who believe in Him.

1. Why is our covenant with God now so much better than the Old Covenant made with the nation of Israel according to v.17-18?

We need to read the original passage where God promised that He would eventually replace the Old Covenant with a better Covenant.

Read Jer. 31:31-34.

2. List from this passage, using the words here in the Scripture, the promises that God makes those who enter His covenant.

Notice that God makes these promises unconditionally. He will fulfill the covenant with us because He is faithful to His promises. Have you entered the New Covenant through Jesus Christ? Has God forgotten your sins because you have recognized your sins and turned to Jesus to forgive you and to give you a relationship with Him? If not, these promises do not apply to you; however, they can become yours today. Recognize your sins, primarily the sin of doing your own thing and running your own life instead of obeying God, and trust Jesus as God who died to wash your sins away and to give you the power to change. He will come and live within you through His Spirit, begin a lifelong relationship with you, and walk with you every day.

3. Copy 2 Tim. 2:13 below. How can this verse be a comfort to you when you betray God with your attitudes and actions?

You are responsible before God to fulfill your part of the marriage covenant. It is not conditioned upon your husband’s loving you as he should. You have promised certain things to him before God and you are only responsible for you.

You are to be faithful to your vows, just as Christ is faithful to you.

God made a covenant with mankind just after the flood that destroyed all the earth except Noah and his family.

Read Genesis 9:8-17.

4. What did God promise?

5. What was the sign of the covenant?

6. What was the purpose of the sign?

Many times covenants include signs to remind the parties to the covenants of their promises. Often in marriage we use rings, which have symbolized the permanence of a covenant for thousands of years. In the Scriptures we see other signs employed: trees were planted (Gen. 21:32-33) or a pile of stones was set up (Gen. 31:44-55) to remind the parties that they had a covenant between them and were to fulfill the promises that they made in that agreement.

Many covenants in the Bible were made for protection and may be understood as seriously binding treaties. The parties to the covenant recognized them as so solemn that they called upon God to bring judgment upon either of them who broke the covenant. In Gen. 31:49-53 Jacob and Laban called upon God to exact judgment if either of them broke the pact. This type of covenant indicated that the two became one in their protection of one another. They promised not to attack each other or ally themselves with anyone against the other. Do you side with anyone against your husband? Your loyalty in covenant is to him.

I remember as a child seeing an old movie on television. It was the story of a man who befriended an American Indian. The two of them made a covenant that bound them as blood brothers. At the ceremony they made cuts in their wrists and bound their two arms together with a piece of cloth, symbolizing the intermixture of their blood. They were now permanently one as brothers. Their responsibilities included protecting the other man even at personal cost. They would give up their lives to protect the other. The scars were the permanent symbols, reminders of the promises they had made.

Marriage is this kind of covenant. We saw in our first lesson that God intends for a couple to be one. We leave and cleave. We are superglued together permanently. Thus, marriage is a permanently binding agreement. Remember the picture of the body in both Gen. 2 and Eph. 5:23? Just as we do not tear one body into two parts and expect it to live, we cannot expect to join a man and a woman and then rip them apart. God’s plan for covenant is permanent.

Read Matthew 19:3-10.

You can see from the disciples’ reaction to Jesus’ teaching on divorce that it is clear that rarely can someone divorce in God’s eyes. In fact, the only exception Jesus gave is adultery. Under the Old Testament law, an adulterer was stoned to death because he had broken the covenant and the oneness with his wife. To allow the wronged party to divorce an adulterous mate merely finalizes the reality that the bond has already been torn and they are no longer one.

Read Malachi 2:16.

7. Why does God hate divorce according to this verse? (You may want to read the context.)

8. What are the promises that you made when you married (or will make when you marry)?

Read Ephesians 5:25-32.

9. What relationship in the heavenly realm does marriage picture in the earthly realm?

10. What does divorce do to this heavenly picture?

11. Consider 2 Tim. 2:13, which you read above, and what you read about the signs of the covenant. If you are to picture Christ through your marriage relationship, how seriously should you take your marriage promises? Why?

Building Your Marriage with God’s Design

There is another custom used in covenants in the Bible and in many other lands. To indicate the seriousness of the promises they were making, the parties to the covenant cut animals in two; they laid each half opposite the other with an aisle, so to speak, between the two parts. Then they walked through the pieces asking God to judge them by slaying them just like those animals if they were unfaithful to their covenant. The marriage aisle is the modern-day symbolism of that “walk unto death.” In marriage, just as in our covenant with Christ, we die to ourselves and commit to someone else to become part of us, no longer to live for ourselves. This is the antithesis of sin. The root of sin is selfishness and self-centeredness. To put others before ourselves reflects the heart of God.

Read Phil. 2:3-11.

12. How did Jesus express His attitude of putting others before Himself?

The sad fact is that this may be the biggest hindrance to marital happiness. We are unwilling to give up our rights, our pleasures, our personal time, our priorities, and our pride to become one with another person. We hold onto what we want rather than doing what our mates want. Sin pervades the household and unhappiness is the fruit.

Read James 1:14-15.

13. Married women: As you have followed your own lusts, in the form of placing your desires over your husband’s, how has the death of some part of your marriage been born? Be specific. (You will not have to read this to your group unless you volunteer.)

As believers we die as we enter our covenant with Christ. This is His call upon each of us. “Whoever does not carry his own cross and follow me cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:27 NET). The cross was the symbol of death and His listeners would have understood this to be their own death. To follow Christ is to die to yourself and to live for Him. Have you made this commitment to Him?

Gal. 2:20 (NET) says, “I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So the life which I now live in the body I live because of the faithfulness of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

14. Have you forsaken your own rights and the life you want to live for the life Christ has for you as He lives through you? This is His call to you. Married women: Does the fact that you have died and Christ now lives in you affect your married life? Are you living for Jesus and putting your husband first rather than your personal desires? Single women: What other relationships do you have in which you need to die to yourself?

I personally believe that death to self is the key to your marriage. Are you ready to die so that there will be life and health in your home? Steve Smith says, “Marriage is your last best chance to grow up!” Isn’t growing up about putting others and their needs before your own?

Parenting with God’s Design

As Christian mothers, we desire to have our children love and obey Jesus Christ for that will bring them joy and purpose in life.

15. How will the lessons you teach your children about faithfulness to promises and about selflessness and giving for others be enhanced or undermined by your personal actions in your marriage? Give specific examples of actions that would help or hurt your teaching.

Wisdom from a Mentor (Ann)

Ray and I had a remarkable number of similarities in our lives: both of us being the second born, from a family of four, our dads were "only" children, our moms were one of two children; and, last but not least, both from homes broken by divorce. We knew firsthand the pain and heartache that comes from divorce, and neither one of us had any intention of getting one ourselves. Besides, the Bible tells us in Malachi "God hates divorce."

We decided that if we were to make a marriage covenant before God that only He would separate us in death. It's a vow that we keep by His grace and faithfulness; and we can joyfully, confidently tell our children that our marriage won't be broken by divorce. That's especially comforting to them when daily they see the heartache and sadness in the lives of many of their friends whose parents have divorced.

Summing It Up

16. Married women: What one thing did you learn about covenant that helps you in your marriage where you are today? Single women: What one truth about covenant will help you as you enter marriage?

17. Write a prayer to the Lord asking forgiveness for any sinful action or attitude brought out by this lesson. If you have previously been divorced apart from God’s design, confess and ask God to forgive you. You may need to ask forgiveness of your previous husband as well. God is a God of grace, but His covenant is not to be taken lightly. When we make promises before God, we need to be as faithful to them as He is to His covenant with us. If you find yourself in a second or third marriage, know that God forgives. Commit now to be faithful to this covenant. Write a prayer recommitting to both your marriage covenant (married women) and to your covenant with Christ (all of you), promising to let Him live through you this day in your marriage and in the future.

Note from the Author:
I have written an addendum to lesson 5 of the marriage study in response to a lot of comments and questions via emails from this site. Click to read the Addendum.

Wisdom from the Word

Marriage must be honored among all and the bed kept undefiled, for God will judge sexually immoral people and adulterers .

Hebrews 13:4 (NET)

Understanding God’s Design

We have seen in previous lessons that marriage is God’s design and institution. Let’s reread the verses that reveal God’s original plan for the husband and wife.

Read Gen. 2:18-25

1. By way of review, what principles for marriage did we pull out of Gen. 2:24? There were three (2 verbs and a phrase) and we already discussed the first two in Lesson 1.

The third principle is that of “one flesh”. This is one aspect of oneness. We are one in God’s sight when we marry, never to be separated. (Remember Matt. 19:3-12?) However, we are also to build oneness into our marriages. The “one flesh” relationship is obviously physical, involving the sexual relationship, but it is more than that. It includes intimacy between husband and wife in every way—physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

We, as women, long for intimacy with our husbands. Some men are not good about spiritual or emotional intimacy but seem to desire only physical intimacy. Perhaps, you need to work on communicating your need for other kinds of intimacy to your spouse. Just remember that we do live in a fallen world and you may never have the kind of intimacy with your husband that you desire. Instead of letting that create dissatisfaction with your mate, let it draw you to Christ, who wants to give you the type of intimacy you desire.

2. Copy Hebrews 13:4 below. This is our Word of Wisdom for the week.

3. Knowing that God invented it and knowing what He has said about it in Heb. 13:4, what kind of attitude should you have toward sex?

Memorize the Word of Wisdom for this week and believe it!

Read 1 Corinthians 7:1-9.

4. What is one purpose for marriage according to vv.2, 9?

5. What commands are given to the husband and the wife (v.3, 5)?

6. There is only one exception given to the command. What is it (v.5)?

Notice that when we marry we are no longer to retain our rights over our own bodies but are to give that authority to our spouses (v.4). Remember that two are one now; your husband is part of you, not separate. When he needs you physically, you are to meet his needs. You have died and are to live for Christ who expects you to take care of one another’s needs. There are many marriages that could have been saved if the wife had understood that her body belonged to her husband, not for abuse but for fulfilling his sexual needs.

Don Meredith explains that God’s design for sex builds unselfishness:¹¹

God steps boldly to the point, finishing any faint-hearted commitment to the sexual relationship once and for all. My body is not mine, but my mate’s. I am here to please. Hereafter, to demand rights over my body is to disagree with God’s instruction. God makes sex a sacrificial act that is redemptive, in that it gets my eyes off my needs and onto the needs of my mate.

This means that there is mutual submission in bed. What is mutually satisfying is acceptable to God as long as it involves a husband and wife alone.

Because the sexual act is a picture and a part of the oneness in marriage, it is highly serious to break that bond. A component of the marriage vows made before God is a pledge to remain faithful to this one person until you die. Let’s consider some verses about adultery.

Read Exodus 20:14, 17.

7. How do these two commands relate to one another?

Read Leviticus 20:10

8. What was the punishment for adultery under the Old Testament Law? Why would God require such a serious punishment in the light of the principles we have considered about covenant and oneness?

We saw in Ephesians 5:25-33 that marriage pictures the relationship between Christ and His church. Oneness in covenant comes with commitment. Oneness with Christ comes with our entry into covenant with Him, and oneness sexually should only come with commitment in a marriage. When sex takes place before marriage, it breaks the picture of the covenant and commitment we have with Christ. Adultery does the same thing. I have often heard it said that sins are all the same before God. While it is true that every sin, big or small, creates a barrier with God and the penalty of death, it is not true in the practical realm. Under the Law sins had different punishments, depending upon their seriousness. Often in the New Testament there are lists of serious sins and adultery is prominent on these lists (See 1 Cor. 6:9-10; Gal. 5:19-21). The consequences of adultery and fornication are enormous and should never be taken lightly, as our culture suggests. You probably have relatives and/or friends who have broken their marriage covenant and borne a terrible cost.

Many of the religious leaders of Jesus’ day were convinced that they were holy and not sinners. Jesus dealt with them harshly. God is merciful and gracious to us as sinners but He expects us to recognize our sins and take them seriously. The arrogant, self-righteous person does not receive that mercy.

Read Matthew 5:27-32.

9. How does Jesus expand the definition of adultery?

Our thought lives are where we so often sin. Perhaps you have never had a sexual relationship outside of marriage in the physical sense, but you may have enjoyed the thoughts. In God’s eyes you are guilty. Sin begins in our thoughts and in our hearts. We must watch our thought lives so that we do not act upon what we think. As sinful thoughts build up, we may act on them; however, the thoughts themselves are enough to make us guilty.

Read Matthew 15:1-2, 10-11, 15-20.

10. What kinds of things were the Pharisees defining as unclean?

 

11. What defiles the person, or makes her unclean, according to Christ?

This concept is so important, especially in our day because we look around at others and think we are okay when we compare our outward behavior to theirs. The question is how are we on the inside? Do you spend time thinking of other men, even dreaming of a perfect man, not necessarily a real person? Do you read romance novels that turn your thoughts to imagining a perfect relationship with someone other than your husband? Do you fantasize about what it would be like to have another husband? Perhaps you dream of someone you know at work or at church or someone you watch on television or the movies.

12. According to the principles Jesus laid down in Matt.5 and 15 and the commandments you saw, what is the problem with these thoughts?

13. Here are some Biblical principles to help deal with temptation in this area. Write down the principles you see and exactly what you are to do according to these verses:

a. 2 Tim. 2:22

b. 1 Thess. 4:1-8

c. Phil. 4:8

d. Prov. 4:23

14. What things are you putting in your own mind that should be eliminated? Name at least one way to apply the principles of Phil. 4:8 in your own life today.

Building Your Marriage with God’s Design

Men desire intimacy just as we women do, so if they cannot receive it from their wives, they will often search for it elsewhere. H. Norman Wright gives us some insight concerning this.¹²

For women, sex is only one means of intimacy out of many and not always the best one. For many men, sex is the only expression of intimacy.

Men tend to compress the meaning of intimacy into the sex act and when they don’t have that outlet, they can become frustrated and upset. Why? Because they’re cut off from the only source of closeness they know. Men are interested in closeness and intimacy but they have different ways of defining and expressing it.

H. Norman Wright

15. Married women: Have you misread your husband’s need for sexual intimacy as simply a need for physical fulfillment? I certainly have made that mistake. Think of a time when you may have hurt your spouse by refusing him when he needed that intimacy with you or when he was trying to support you by showing you intimacy. Write down your thoughts to God.

We women need to better understand that men don’t think like we do; they don’t act like we do. Instead of wanting them to be like us, we need to accept the differences. In “My Fair Lady” the men sing a song asking why women can’t be more like men. Wouldn’t that be boring? God made men and women distinctive so that we can blend our strengths and help one another’s weaknesses. We need each other. What one lacks in sensitivity, the other overcomes. What one lacks in logical thinking, the other helps reveal. Whatever your situation, your husband is designed to balance you out. Be careful, however, about making the mistake of putting people in gender boxes. Although men in general may be less sensitive than women, this is not true of all men. That quality should not be considered feminine. Get to know your husband with all of his individual strengths and weaknesses. You will probably find that you balance him out in many areas. In the past a marriage partner often spoke of a spouse as his/her better half. Try to think of your husband as your other half. Treat him as part of yourself. What he needs is important to you because he is part of you.

Often it is the very differences in our personalities, etc. that we treasure until we marry. Suddenly those are the things that drive us crazy and lead to argument and discontent. See your husband as God’s perfect partner who will balance you out. If he needs sex for intimacy, accept that and respond accordingly.

Realizing that I am not an expert in the area of sex, I have found some excellent advice that I want to pass on to you. If you desire to build intimacy in your marriage, you need to consider your husband’s feelings and needs in the area of sex, as well as every other area. As you read these quotes, consider how you might apply these insights.

Jill Renich discusses some distinctions between men and women that might enable you to better understand your husband.¹³ Again, these are generalities that are not always true.

One of the differences between husbands and wives is illustrated by their attitudes toward sex when they are physically tired. Sex is usually the last thing a wife wants when she’s tired, but it provides her husband with the relaxation he needs for restoring sleep. Some women prefer sex at night while some men prefer to begin the day with this gratifying experience. Another difference is that after a quarrel a woman looks for words of reconciliation, but a man often looks for sex to heal the breach and restore the oneness with his wife. Someone stated the difference this way: “A man gives love for sex; a woman gives sex for love.”

Jill Renich

This validates the idea that men seek intimacy through sex. That is why they want to have sex when there has been an argument. This may be why your husband attempts to console you by suggesting sex when you are hurting for some reason. Renich gives us more insight into the necessity and importance of this aspect of marriage to a man.¹⁴

A wife may demonstrate her love in innumerable other ways but it is often negated by her rejection, or lack of enjoyment of sex. To a man, sex is the most meaningful demonstration of love and self-worth. A husband’s gift of sexual pleasure is full of meaning. It’s a part of his own deepest person. How his wife receives him has a much more profound effect on him than most women realize. To receive him with joy and to share sexual pleasure builds into him a sense of being worthy, desirable and acceptable. To reject him, to tolerate him and to put him off as unimportant tears at the very center of his self-esteem.

Jill Renich

16. Are you willing to give yourself to your husband sexually without considering your own desires or needs? Are you prepared to give him the authority over your body? If you are not, you are in sin, disobeying God’s direct command and His principle of oneness, and you are putting your marriage at risk. Write down your thoughts about this principle.

If you have been disobedient in this area, take the time to confess this to God and to your husband and ask forgiveness. This is not to be taken lightly because this is God’s design for your marriage. He is the Designer and He knows what will work. Ask God for the grace to die to self in this area and to put the needs of your husband before your own. I believe that marriage and children are ways that God deals with our sinful selfishness, making us more like Jesus, whose unselfishness resulted in our salvation. If we follow God’s marriage principles, we become more Christlike.

Parenting with God’s Design

How can you pass on the importance of sexual fidelity to your children, especially in the present culture where everything screams sex? I know that I do not have all the answers to this, but it is a critical issue.

17. Consider the verses in #13. How do these apply to your training of your children?

Remember that you are responsible for what you allow your children to see and hear. This means that you will have to swim upstream, sometimes even against what other Christian parents allow. You and your husband must before God set the standards for your children. God will hold you responsible.

For several years we received a monthly newsletter that gave a parental, Christian perspective on movies. We found that we could not trust the PG-13 or even PG ratings to help screen the movies our children could see. We wanted to know what values would be taught through the lessons of the story as well as what language, etc. was included. The kids complained when they were not allowed to see something that their friends could watch, but it was our parental responsibility to control what thoughts and images were planted in the minds of our children. There were some movies that we allowed them to see because they gave us opportunities to teach discernment, to think carefully about the messages conveyed. To do this, you must see what they see!

18. Can you think of anything now that you need to control in your child’s life that will pave the way for sexual purity?

Please note that while your children need to see your affection for one another, it should never be sexual in nature. That is for the privacy of your bedroom. Inappropriate sexual expressions can confuse children and send the wrong messages.

Wisdom from a Mentor (Mary Ann)

Early into our marriage I became aware of my husband’s and my differing sexual needs. (It didn’t take too long to realize this!) I love our sexual relationship and was very happy, but soon realized that it was much more important to him than anything else – including sleep!

This occasionally was a source of unhappiness, especially when our children were very young and I was always exhausted. Around that time I started attending a Bible study taught by a very wise woman, and the subject was marriage. Through this study I realized several things…

One, men and women are wired very differently. When women are tired, they want to sleep or “veg out”. When men are tired, exhausted, whatever, they want sex. Sex is their way of unwinding, no matter how tired they are, physically or mentally!

Second, that rejection is taken very personally. Men’s sexuality is part of their identity and extremely important to their masculinity. To be rejected sexually is taken personally!

Third, I was taught that my body was not my own, nor was his body his own – we belong to each other (I Cor).

This Bible study teacher encouraged all of us as young wives to adopt a very important principle: do not refuse sex with your husband unless you really have to, for physical reasons, or other good reasons. If at all possible, say yes! This will result in a much happier man. Personally I will say that I have found if I follow this principle, my husband generally is much more fun and a lot less grouchy!!

Summing It Up

19. Write a prayer confessing, if necessary, and committing before God your body and your mind to marriage partner alone. Ask God for the grace to put away anything that does not serve faithfulness to your husband in your thought life. (You may need to make yourself accountable to a friend as well.)

Addendum

Because of some great feedback which I have received from a number of bible.org readers, I wanted to add a few comments to this lesson on sexual intimacy.

First, this entire study was written for women, not men. That means that I did not cover a husband’s responsibilities under God. Too often we as wives focus only on what our husbands are failing to do rather than our own need for change. For that reason we aren’t discussing what God expects of husbands. He expects us to be good wives to them whether or not they fulfill their responsibilities. Our actions and attitudes as wives do not depend on our husbands’ obedience. This is true of the sexual aspect of marriage as well.

I know that many of you wives desire more sexual intimacy than your husbands do. You are not strange or unusual in that need. A large percentage of women have a stronger sexual drive than their husbands. Much of what is written and quoted in this lesson assumes that the husband desires sexual intimacy more frequently than his wife because that is the majority of cases. By using those quotes, I do not in any way mean to suggest that those of you whose husbands do not have a strong sex drive have done anything wrong or are responsible for it in any way. It may be that your husband is simply made that way; don’t imagine that he doesn’t love you!

There are cases when the man is involved in pornography, and it has diluted his drive for actual physical intimacy. Never assume that your husband is free of such involvement. The temptation is everywhere in our American culture. But having said that, remember that God has made some men without a strong sex drive, and it is not a reflection on you as his wife or a sign that something is wrong. If you fall into this category, asking him for more sexual intimacy is perfectly legitimate. 1 Cor. 7:3 applies both ways.

If you are struggling sexually, please ask for help. If you and your husband are not freely discussing it, go to him and bring it up. If you are unable to talk honestly, get help from a pastor or counselor. Seek wise counsel as to how to best approach him and what to say.

As far as pornography goes, if you are involved in it, you must realize that it is adultery according to Jesus’ words in Mt. 5:27-28. You must recognize that this is a sin. Confess it and repent of it. You may need outside help in this area from groups like Celebrate Recovery or from a Christian counselor. Call a pastor to find help in your area.

It may be that you are not looking at pornography per se, but you are involved with other men in online chat rooms to meet your emotional need for love; perhaps, you dream of other men through romance novels or even have fantasies of specific men you know. This is emotional unfaithfulness in the same way that viewing pornography is physical unfaithfulness.

It is wise that we women carefully watch our husbands’ habits as well, just in case pornography is involved. Make sure he is not hidden away with his computer. Don’t leave him up at night playing or working on it after you are in bed. Ask for counsel if you discover any involvement with pornography. This is often an addiction which will not go away without outside support.

God has made us with a need for the local church. I hope that you are involved in one where you can ask for counsel and help. May God give you wisdom and guidance as you deal with any sexual issues in your marriage.

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¹¹ Don Meredith, Becoming One: Planning a Lasting, Joyful Marriage (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1979), 173.

¹² H. Norman Wright, Understanding the Man in your Life (Waco, TX: Word Books, 1987), 196.

¹³ Jill Renich, To Have and to Hold (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1972), 48.

¹⁴ Ibid., 55.