"I have told him a thousand times that he needs to get his life right with God. What more can I do?"

A strand of glossy auburn hair fell across Lee's eye, and she impatiently brushed it behind her ear. Expensive rings sparkled on her hands, and a large gold chain gleamed against her designer suit. When Lee and Ray got married, neither of them had been Christian believers. They had both been active in the business world, and they still enjoyed equally successful careers. Lee was executive vice president for a national ad agency. Ray was a corporate attorney.

Two years before, Lee had been led to the Lord by a woman friend, and her hunger for spiritual values had propelled her into a hectic pursuit of Bible studies, sermon tapes, and Christian music. She craved growth, and she had a genuine desire to see God's hand at work in her life. Lee's attitudes, behavior, and style had been dramatically transformed by her newfound faith.

Meanwhile, her husband was still the same old Ray—shady in his business dealings, ruthless in his contract negotiations, and vulgar in his humor and vocabulary.

The Christian faith had clearly become a stumbling block in this once happy marriage. And, aggressive as she was, Lee wasn't about to let an opportunity pass without reminding Ray that he was an infidel—in thought, word, and deed.

"I'm not afraid to tell him what I think about it; you can be sure of that!" Lee announced rather proudly.

I looked at her in amusement. "What would you think if I told you never to mention your Christian faith again?"

Without hesitation, Lee replied, "I'd say you're wrong. Jesus gave the Great Commission to all of us. We're supposed to share our faith with everyone—including our husbands."

"Lee, the Lord has some special instructions for women like you. They are simple: Pray for your husband, live a godly life in front of him, treat him with respect, and don't talk about your faith unless he asks."

"That's ridiculous! Ray will never come to God if I don't say anything. I'm the only Christian he knows. Look, Vickie, you've got to help me find a way to convince him to become a Christian. Otherwise I think our marriage is doomed. He's awful!"

Let's face it, we live in a fallen world. Sometimes we women don't measure up to God's standards. At other times, the men in our lives don't. There are wives who refuse to submit because they think it somehow makes them inferior. And there are husbands who use submission as a club to get their own way. They do not love sacrificially at all.

Lee's situation raises some very important issues. What does the Bible have to say about the profane, irreverent husband? About the selfish, irresponsible one? About the unsaved husband? About the abuser? Scripture doesn't give us an exact verse for each of these, but there are principles in the Bible which do give us guidelines. Some of these guidelines are not easy to follow. They are a challenge for us.

Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

1 Peter 3:1-6

Men Who Say No to God

Let me explain what this passage doesn't mean. First of all, it is not a promise to a Christian woman who has decided to marry an unsaved man, that her good conduct will win her husband to Christ. This passage is not a carte blanche for you to say, "I can marry anybody I want, and God will eventually save him." God's Word clearly says that the only person a believer should marry is another believer (1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor. 6:14).

Peter was addressing a group of new believers. When the gospel had first been presented to them, in some cases, several wives had responded in faith, but their husbands hadn't. This was a situation where both spouses were unsaved when they got married, and one had since come to know the Lord.

And another thing, if you are "unequally yoked," no matter how you got that way, you don't become the head of the home just because you are more spiritually alive. Unfortunately, this is what some women think. Peter's words really address that misconception.

Now let's look at what this passage from Peter's epistle does say to us. What is the spiritual equation in your home? You may not be able to talk freely about Christian things because of your husband's personality. He may be unsaved, unresponsive, difficult, or totally obstinate. He may be in a state of unbelieving disobedience. The primary reference here is to the unsaved mate. But after years of counseling women, I know all too well that some of our saved mates can be unreceptive to spiritual issues, too.

Consciously or unconsciously, some men have determined that they are not going to grow in grace any more. They are sick of Bible studies. They refuse to attend church unless they feel like it. They're telling us, either in word or action, "Okay, you can go on and on with this Christian thing, but I am going to stay right here, and I am not moving. I'm not going to become a fanatic, too!"

I believe Peter's words can pertain to Christian wives of unbelievers as well as to the wives of Christian men who are in rebellion. In either case, the same principles apply.

Trusting Him Who Judges Justly

Peter had said in the previous chapter, "Slaves submit yourself to your masters with all respect. Not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh." This also applies to wives because a few lines later Peter says, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands." Wives are to respond to difficult husbands "in the same way" that a slave was to render faithful, efficient, loyal service to a difficult master.

A slave was to obey even if his master treated him harshly while he was doing his job well. The Christian slave was to do so because he was conscious of God, and Peter used Christ as an example—the ultimate example. Jesus Christ, who was sinless, suffered unjustly and accepted unfair treatment without retaliating.

I know. We all groan inside when we hear this sort of thing. It is so easy to snap back—so easy to pay back. But do you realize that if Jesus Christ had not done what He did, none of us would know God? None of us would be forgiven. None of us would have the assurance of heaven. He suffered for redemptive reasons. And I believe that we can live in a difficult situation for redemptive purposes, too. The reason Jesus was able to bear the burden of unjust treatment was because He entrusted Himself "to him who judges justly." We can do the same.

We have a heavenly Father who knows our limits and our abilities. He esteems justice and recognizes inequity. He knows our hearts and our motives. We can commit ourselves and our cause to Him. I believe that we can both give and receive encouragement in this regard. The route is not always an escape from the situation. Sometimes the route may be one of endurance—an endurance that God enables us to live out.

A Strong, Silent Message

Peter says that unbelieving husbands may be won over without a word, without corrective conversations, simply by the behavior of their wives. A man can be changed just by observing the purity and reverence of his wife's life.

I think this is probably the hardest thing for a woman to do—to keep quiet and just let her actions speak for her. Have you ever thought, Oh, Lord, I really want him to know this! How am I going to get it across? Let's see—I'll think of some tactful way of saying it. Maybe I can put a tape in our tapedeck. Or leave the Bible open. Or lay a tract out where he'll see it.

Don't take on the responsibility for your husband's spiritual development. You don't need to be clever or covert. God is saying, "I know that you are limited because of the submission-leadership relationship. And I am promising you some strong help."

First of all, God wants you to know that you are not the only means by which He is able to reach this man. You aren't solely responsible. God is able to bring all kinds of other people and circumstances into the picture. He has ways of reaching out to your husband that you can't even imagine. Meanwhile, your husband can't help but observe the purity and the reverence for God in your life, an attitude which controls everything you do. Your behavior is going to make an impact on him whether you think it will or not.

Outstanding, Not Outrageous

With this in mind, begin to realize that if you want to influence your husband, you have to have a different value system than this world's. For example, you are not going to seduce him into Christianity. You have to leave behind worldly ideas and the world's approach. Tell yourself, "My outward appearance as well as my actions are going to mirror the beliefs I treasure on the inside."

I get really upset with Christian books that advocate sexual manipulation. Just remember that whatever you gain by manipulation you must maintain by manipulation. It is so much better to honestly say, "Lord, I can't do anything about his beliefs or his behavior. So I give this man into Your hands." God will bless your attitude of submission, both to your husband and to God, as a means of evangelism.

We say, "How am I going to make this man become more spiritual?"

God says, "I am going to use you to win him to Me without another word said. I am going to enable you by the spirit of God to conduct yourself in such a loving and irreproachable way that it will have an impact on him—whether he admits it or not."

What talking won't do, kindness and purity will. Peter wanted these women to understand that their beauty wasn't supposed to come merely from outward adornment. Now this doesn't mean that we can't wear jewelry. Or enjoy pretty clothes. And it doesn't mean that we shouldn't fix our hair attractively.

In those decadent Roman times, coiffures were sometimes so elaborate that a woman might need a slave to walk behind her, propping her hair up with a pole! These flamboyant coiffures were intricately adorned with jewels and gold and pearls. Peter is talking about extreme, way-out clothes. He is not talking about ordinary apparel.

Let's not get the idea, like some of the old Quakers, that Christian women should be garbed in gray and black, or that we are particularly spiritual if we look terrible. God's woman is consistent. She is attractive. She does not use extreme, outlandish sexual techniques to win her husband. She is going to have a beauty that is unfading, a beauty that comes from "a gentle and quiet spirit."

Following in Sarah's Footsteps

Meekness means controlled strength. And a woman with a meek, gentle spirit is not agitated by circumstances. She is not panicked by every new thing that comes along. She does not respond to surprises by blowing her top. Her quiet spirit flows directly from her staunch hope and trust in God. The way to win a difficult husband is to have a spirit like Jesus Christ. A spirit that is unruffled. A spirit that can face tragedy. A spirit that can deal with unwarranted suffering.

That's not to say she pretends nothing is wrong, practicing denial and refusing to admit to adversity. How can a woman cope with her troubles? Peter tells us the secret—she puts her confidence in God. She trusts Him with her life and with her husband. And notice what it says about Sarah being our example: "You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear" ( 1 Pet. 3:6).

In the midst of doing right, to what are we the most vulnerable? Anxiety. Panic. Fear.

What if he gets mad at me?

Suppose he gets abusive?

Suppose he takes away some of the things I enjoy? Through prayer and focus upon God's Word, we can entrust ourselves to God and allow Him to protect our interests.

Naturally, things don't always work out the way we want them to. I love the fact that Sarah is the example that is used (Genesis 12-23). What kind of person was Sarah? Was she a doormat? Hardly! Do you notice that every time Sarah gave her husband advice, he took it, whether it was good advice or not?

The last time that Sarah advised her husband, she told him to get rid of his son Ishmael. Abraham didn't want to do it, but God told him, "Do whatever Sarah tells you." We have a woman here who was anything but a pushover. She was not a silent partner. She was actively involved. She protected her husband. She was interested in his concerns. She was committed to his walk with God. I think it's noteworthy that God used a woman like Sarah—a woman with normal emotions, a woman who experienced deep heartache—as a role model for us.

Sarah was infertile, and knew to the depths of her soul what barrenness meant. She had experienced all of the reproach that went with it. She knew what it was to be jealous. In fact, she became violent with her servant Hagar, who was mother of Abraham's son Ishmael. God understands our feminine nature. He understands our needs as women. And in spite of her failings, He uses Sarah as an example of a holy woman, a woman set apart for God (1 Pet. 3:6).

I am so glad God didn't use someone like Ruth for this particular role model. It's much more difficult to relate to Ruth, because everything she did was good. He gave us somebody who was more like we are. And Sarah was a wonderful woman. She respected and honored Abraham, shared his dreams, and supported his walk with God.

And what happened to Sarah when her husband failed her, abandoned her to Pharaoh's harem, and lied to save his own skin? God rescued her, not once but twice, even though she'd gone along with Abraham's lie, agreeing that she was his sister. Remember, her motive was to protect her husband's life, so she cooperated with his dishonest scheme. Incidentally, don't use that as an excuse to do wrong. Sarah thought their situation was a matter of life and death.

Why Some Prayers Are Unanswered

As we noted in an earlier chapter, Peter gave the men he was addressing a warning.

Husbands . . . be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

1 Peter 3:7

He was saying, "If you don't treat your wife properly, when you pray something is going to snip your prayer off before it ever reaches heaven." Being harsh, bitter, demanding, selfish, and arrogant toward your wife will mar your fellowship with God and result in unanswered prayer.

I wonder how many prayers are unanswered right now because some men have this kind of an attitude toward their wives? By the way, I personally suspect that the woman who takes the position of "Well, I'm more spiritual than he is so I'm taking over!" is in the same danger.

No matter what, a man is not supposed to look on his wife with scorn because she doesn't happen to have the same muscle structure he has or the same hormonal makeup. And yet that is often what we see today. Even in churches we pick up that macho idea, "Isn't that just like a woman? What do you expect from a woman?"

Within the Christian community that type of woman bashing is not spiritual, and it is not biblical. And it was certainly nothing Jesus ever did. In fact, when you find the disciples railing at Mary because, in all her emotion, she wasted her precious, fragrant ointment on Jesus, He said, "Leave her alone, she has done a beautiful thing to me. And wherever the gospel is given, she will be remembered . . . she has done what she could." I think God wants each of us to treasure that assurance within our own hearts. By faith, let's believe that when we have done what we could within our circumstances, He is pleased with us.

"Heirs with you" reminds us that men and women are saved the same way. They confess that they are sinners, believe that Jesus Christ, God's Son, died in their place and trust Him alone for forgiveness and eternal life. There is no distinction. Men and women will have an equal share in the coming age. And even now we have an equal share in the grace of God in salvation and in the blessings of being in God's family.

Women, it is important for you to know, if you are living in a situation which is harsh and wrong, that God does not approve of it. It should make you feel better to know that God isn't pleased with your circumstances. Please be reassured of His concern and compassion, even if Bible verses have been misused to tell you otherwise.

It disturbs me when I hear people distort Scripture to force something God does not want. You can trust in God—He isn't against women. God isn't up there saying, "That's the way to treat them, you guys." I want you to realize that the Lord really is on your side and has promised to help you.

Is Abuse Permissible?

What about wife abuse? This isn't just happening down in some poor neighborhood across town. Sad to say, wife abuse is common even in Christian churches. The following excerpt from a Moody Monthly article by Chuck and Winnie Christiansen typifies the kind of advice that a woman has often received when she said, "My husband is abusive and violent. What can I do?"

Dear Chuck and Winnie:

Where in the Bible does it give my husband permission to beat me? My husband claims to be a Christian, we go to church and as far as anyone is concerned he is a wonderful guy. But at home it is another story. He has thrown me, beaten me and threatened our children; we have two small ones. I am now separated from him, but my pastor told me I should go home. He said God has called me to be an abused wife. I asked, did God call my husband to be an abuser? He is supposed to be a Christian. Where in the Bible does it tell husbands to beat their wives? The pastor replied, "That isn't the issue. The issue is that it is your place to submit." I said I couldn't accept that. I left because I feared for my life and the lives of my children. Would God want me and my children living in danger? It's my non-Christian friends who told me to leave and to start a life of my own with my children. I am confused. Can you help?

I couldn't agree more emphatically with the answer the Christiansens gave to this poor woman. They assured her that there is definitely no verse in the entire Bible which gives a husband, whether he's a believer or not, the right to abuse either his wife or his children. And to use the passages regarding marital submission as justification for such actions is heresy. Such a man is simply twisting the Bible around to endorse his violence.

Some misinformed teachers have said that Genesis 3:16 warrants either verbal or physical abuse. That is absurd. We've already learned that God's words to Eve were simply a prediction of what would happen in family relationships because of the Fall. It is unthinkable that God would direct men to dehumanize their wives or to destroy their children physically or emotionally.

We've seen, in Ephesians 5, that Paul reveals the kind of love God expects husbands to have for their wives. It is Christ's love. It is a giving, sacrificial love that causes a man to be willing to lay his life down for his spouse. God does not take lightly the abuse of any of His children, or the distortion of Scripture to support it.

Darrell was youth pastor at a large, thriving evangelical church. He was blond, boyish, and lovable. He was a wonderful storyteller with an engaging sense of humor. Charm was his middle name. Darrell, his petite wife, Pat, and their two children were the very picture of the "perfect Christian couple." They sat together in church, and he told endearing little stories about their kids to illustrate his occasional sermons.

No one had a clue about the violence that went on behind the closed doors of their home.

One day Pat came to see me. There was a faint purple blotch on her left cheek, and an incredible weariness in her eyes. I guessed her problem before she even told me. "Vickie, I can't believe I'm going to tell you this . . ."

I prayed silently that she would find the courage to continue. Most battered women are so accustomed to hiding their husbands' behavior that they find it almost impossible to speak about it openly.

"My husband Darrell has a wonderful ministry. He has led so many kids to the Lord, and they all cling to his every word. He really is a wonderful man in so many ways. But . . ."

"Go ahead, Pat."

"He has a tendency to lose his temper, and . . ." "Is he physically abusive?"

Pat looked at me in amazement. "How did you know?" "Tell me about it, Pat."

Pat explained that Darrell had come from a violent, alcoholic family. His father had beaten his mother, and his mother had beaten her children.

One terrible night, her head bleeding and her face bruised, Pat had tried to confront him with his legacy of violence. Darrell had arrogantly responded, "Hey, that's just the way I am. I'm the head of this house, and I'll do what I want. If you'd do things my way, you wouldn't get into trouble. You're a lazy slob anyway."

Pat had been immediately apologetic. "I know, I know. I could try harder. But what about the kids? Why are you so hard on them?"

"Spare the rod and spoil the child," he'd laughed flippantly.

"They're just as lazy and undisciplined as you are. They need to be whipped into shape."

I listened sadly as Pat recounted her conversations with her husband. Unfortunately, this wasn't my first exposure to abuse within the church. Or my last. Such behavior is all too common, and it hides behind a clever mask—the misused word submission.

When faced with battered women, my answer is always the same: "You've got to bring it out into the open, Pat." "What? But I can't! It will destroy our lives."

"Your husband is abusive, both verbally and physically. You can't continue to enable him in his behavior. It's wrong. And it's dangerous. Starting right now, you and I are going to work together on a strategy to discourage that behavior and help to heal the marriage."

Dangerous, Destructive Secrets

If physical violence is a pattern in your home, the worst thing you can do is to keep it a secret. When you hide your husband's mistreatment of you, you essentially give him permission to continue his bad behavior. Abusers hate exposure. And they know that some women keep their conduct a secret because they feel so ashamed.

Women who are abused almost always believe that it's their fault. The abuser has told them, "I did it because of the way you acted." Or, "If you hadn't said what you said, I wouldn't have done it." So who is getting the blame for it all? The one who is abused. On top of the punishment, she is also expected to take the responsibility. And unfortunately, abused women usually accept those accusations. They say to themselves, "Well, he's right. If I hadn't shot off my mouth, or if I'd kept the house clean, or if I had scrubbed the bathroom, it wouldn't have happened."

In fact, I have heard too many times about women who have gone to a pastor or counselor for help, and they've been asked, "What are you doing to provoke it? Quit doing it!" What does this imply? That men have the right to abuse women. If you go for help and are asked questions like that, find someone else to talk to—someone who will listen. What we have to do, with God's guidance and help, is bring about consequences that are so unpleasant that these men are motivated to stop their abuses.

Those consequences might entail reporting specific incidents to a pastor or elder—even to the police if necessary. A woman in church leadership should be able to provide you with good counsel. Unpleasant consequences might even mean that you have to leave home, taking your children with you. This is not done for the purpose of ending the marriage, but with the intention of healing it. Unless there is a realization of what life would be like without their wives and children, some men may never stop their abusive behavior.

And you'll need to be strong in your position. Suppose you say, "I want our marriage to be right, and I am not coming back unless we get counseling."

Your husband says, "Okay, I'll go to counseling." So you move right back in. What do you think will happen?

You need to see that your abusive spouse is seriously involved in counseling. He needs it, and so do you, so that ground rules can be established. And there has to be some system of accountability. Perhaps an older couple who have had a good marriage will be available to help lovingly.

Women often get locked into abusive situations for financial reasons. If they do leave and go somewhere with their children, who is going to support them? Most communities now have shelters and refuges. Extended family, such as parents, grandparents, or aunts and uncles, may be able to assist. And churches should be ready to refer women to homes that have been made available to abused women until something is done to heal the marriage.

Often an abusive man is frustrated inside. He may have been unsuccessfully looking for a job for six months. Many times a man like that has come out of an abusive home and is following the pattern he has observed since childhood. His mother "took it" so he figures his wife will take it. All of his frustrations come out on the one closest to him.

These men can find counsel in anonymous groups for abusers, which will help them work through their inappropriate behavior. The key to all of this is a sincere desire for change. And, unfortunately, most men won't see any reason to change if the victim of their abuse takes it silently.

Enough Is Enough

There is a time, in some situations, where someone needs to say, "Enough is enough," and "Stop it." There is no biblical support for the abuse of women and children to continue. For a man to dehumanize the woman who is his partner, his mate, and an equal with him before God is unconscionable. Within the church, particularly, it has gone on much too long.

Let me make a point here. You are not responsible for your husband's behavior. He has probably told you, "If you had done this, or if you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have hit you." No matter what you did or didn't do, a chronic abuser would find some reason to blame you for the bruises and injuries he gave you.

All of us can improve what we do. And your husband may not be entirely wrong in his assessment of your conduct. Nonetheless, his response is wrong. If you are doing things which you really should not do, of course you need to stop, but you must not accept this kind of behavior as normal. And you must not feel that God commands you to stay indefinitely in this situation.

There are times when it's necessary to exercise tough love. Sometimes a woman tells me that her husband is having an affair, and "It's not the first time, but he always tells me it won't happen again." I urge firm confrontation, even separation, to get his attention and convince him that she will not accept that lifestyle any longer. If he is willing to go for counseling and end his infidelity, the marriage may have a good chance of being restored. Women are usually so humiliated by infidelity that we must help them maintain their dignity and assign responsibility where it belongs.

High on my list of books for recommended reading is Love Must Be Tough. The author, James Dobson, maintains that we should not allow a person to continue in inappropriate behavior. He asserts that we are not supposed to be enablers, and when a spouse continues to provide "second chances," no ultimatum is issued.

Perhaps you've been taught to simply sit still and pray. But when the circumstances continue year in and year out, it's obvious that other parties have concluded they can get away with their wrongdoing. That's why Dobson suggests that wives give ultimatums to their husbands. When I counsel such women I often ask, "Do you want to go on all your life like this?"

"No, I really don't," is usually their response.

"Well, then, you are going to have to confront him. But the choice is yours."

When counseling, whatever you do, don't get locked into your position and say, "You can never divorce for any reason." An unfaithful mate has broken the marriage. That doesn't mean they have to divorce. Sometimes people will reconcile and find themselves with a stronger marriage than ever. But women who are the victims of persistent unfaithfulness need to know that they are biblically free to make a choice (Matt. 19:9).

Claire's husband was living in another city during the week, coming home only on some weekends. Finally, after six months or so, she came into my office and said, "Vickie, do you think he might be having an affair?"

I looked at her and said "Honey, of course he's having an affair! I can tell you right now that he is."

"Really? How can you be sure?"

I looked at Claire in amazement. Wouldn't you be a little suspicious if your out-of-town husband never told you where you could reach him at night, and the only place you could talk to him was in the office during the day?

Claire finally confronted him. Yes, indeed there was another woman. To make matters worse, her husband said he couldn't decide which one of them he wanted to stay with! Each weekend he would come home, and Claire would be there waiting for him, hoping against hope that he would stay. But after the weekend at home, he would invariably return to the other woman's arms.

Claire called me more than once saying, "Vickie, I'm so miserable. I just hate living like this!"

"I have real problems with what you're doing, Claire. You're allowing your husband to make a choice he doesn't have the right to make. He is married to you, and no one else. And unless you make that perfectly clear to him, he's going to carry on like this forever."

After several more months of agony, Claire finally called me on the phone and said "Okay, I am really getting mad!"

I said "Well good! It's about time! So what are you going to do about it?"

"I'm going to tell him that he either comes home to stay or I'm divorcing him."

She did so. And he moved back home. But believe me—as long as Claire's husband could have it both ways, he wasn't about to make a choice. They both have had to undergo serious counseling to restore their marriage.

Giving All You Can Give

Now don't consider all this an excuse to pack your bags every time your husband crosses his eyes at you! You know there is such a thing as conflict. Every marriage has it, and it is actually very healthy. Ruth Graham once said, "If Billy and I agreed on everything, one of us would be unnecessary." There needs to be communication, a way of working through issues without exploding. There needs to be self-control.

We must do everything we can to preserve our marriages. But we do not have to let things that are totally out of line continue indefinitely because we are told to "submit." Whatever it takes, do everything you can. Sometimes you may be wise to have a third-party mediator. Or find an older couple whom you admire—mature people who have worked through their own difficulties—and seek their involvement. You may need to seek professional help, especially when violence is a factor. But don't just place abusive or immoral behavior under the heading of "submission" and let it go on indefinitely. If you do, it will destroy you. It will wreck your marriage. It will devastate your children.

Sadly, hidden abuse and adultery are much more prevalent in the church than you ever could imagine. And as you reach out to other women, you'll eventually have someone approach you with those kinds of problems. Whatever you do, don't ever try to make a woman or child stay in a place where they are in danger of serious physical harm. Women have been killed because they hung on too long when they were told it was the right thing to do.

Some years ago there was a cover article in Christianity Today called "Wife Abuse, the Secret Crime in the Church." It is real and it is there, both in verbal and physical terms. If it is happening to you, don't be ashamed. Don't take all the blame. Get help. Get counseling. Get out if you must.

And as a concerned friend to someone in trouble, be compassionate. Don't just pat yourself on the back because it isn't happening to you. Instead, thank God for your own better circumstances and then open your arms in compassion, in counsel, in instruction, in prayer, and in firmness wherever this is happening.

God has given us His guidelines. Everything isn't always ideal, and there are no guaranteed happy endings. But as women helping women, we can help ease the pain, lift the burden, shield from danger, and leave the results to God.

Barbara had been looking forward to her high school reunion for months. She had been a popular teenager, and now that ten years had passed since graduation she yearned to see her school friends and catch up on their lives.

Josh, Barbara's husband, had suggested she buy herself some new clothes for the event, and she'd even had a manicure and pedicure so she'd feel especially attractive. Josh was out of town, but had encouraged her to go without him. "Get a baby sitter and have a great time," he said as he kissed her good-bye. "I just wish I could be there too."

I wonder what everyone is doing these days? Happily imagining the various careers and choices her classmates might have followed, she steered the car into the Sheraton parking lot impatiently. She could hardly wait to walk into the big hotel ballroom, pick up her name tag, and start visiting.

At first she was ecstatic, thrilled to see so many dear, familiar faces. But as the evening progressed, she experienced a growing sense of sadness. Of course everyone asked her, "And what kind of work are you doing?"

"I'm a homemaker and a mother," she replied. But every time she said it, she felt a little more embarrassed. Her best friend Kate had become a lawyer. Sharon was a social worker. Cheryl was teaching fifth grade.

"You're so smart, Barbara. I can't believe you're sitting home all day doing nothing!" Ken had always been the class clown, and he was still a tease.

"Well, I wouldn't say I'm doing nothing, Ken," she answered with a smile, trying not to sound defensive. "I really do keep pretty busy." Her mind flashed to the endless responsibilities she faced at home. If I'm doing nothing, she thought to herself, why am I always so tired?

"How many children do you have?" Kate seemed fascinated with her family.

"Two boys and a girl," Barbara smiled, encouraged by her friend's interest. "I'll show you their pictures."

"They're cute, Barb. They really are." Kate barely looked at the beaming little faces before she handed the photos back to her friend. "Jerry and I don't believe in having more than one child. There are just too many people in the world."

"So do you and Jerry plan to have a child?"

"Oh, no," Kate laughed. "Not yet, anyway. And probably not ever. I'm really kind of turned off with the family thing—no offense, Barb." Kate patted Barbara's leg kindly. "Nothing against you, but I think diapers and bottles and stuffed animals are for girls who just can't do anything else. I'm gifted, and I want to make the most of myself."

Tears stung Barbara's eyes. True, Kate had never been known for her tact, but her words still hurt. Barbara glanced down at her new dress. It suddenly looked frumpy to her, and her carefully manicured nails seemed too short and too pink. She glanced at her watch. It was only 8:30. Maybe she's right, she mused. Maybe I've missed the boat somewhere . . . She sat down alone and looked out at the laughing, happy crowd.

Just then Sharon sat down next to her. "So tell me what you've been up to, Kiddo!" She squeezed her old friend's hand warmly.

Barbara smiled sheepishly. "Oh, nothing really. I'm just a housewife, you know."

Since the dawn of time women in every culture have identified themselves with homemaking and child rearing. Such an honorable vocation required no apology. However, in our contemporary western culture, humanistic philosophy has been incredibly successful in changing the way women view themselves and their worth, both in their homes and throughout society. Virtually every aspect of traditional female responsibility has been denigrated. This is particularly true of those responsibilities associated with domesticity.

James Dobson put it this way: "The term 'housewife' has become a pathetic symbol of exploitation, oppression and stupidity." I think it is an important undertaking for us to unearth the subtle influences this sort of thinking has had even within our more conservative Christian culture. Most of all, I think it is imperative that we take a clear-eyed look at mothering and see just what God thinks about its importance in our world.

Blessings from Above

Concepts like "Population Zero" and other global concerns have targeted childbirth and large families, not only in developing countries, but in North America. Their propaganda contradicts both Old and New Testament Scriptures, which promote the expansion of families.

God's command to reproduce was given to the first two people, and it never was rescinded. In fact, after the flood in Genesis 9:1, it was repeated again.

Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth."

In 1 Timothy 5:14, Paul said, "So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, [and] to manage their homes."

Besides being a command, throughout Scripture the birth of children is always viewed as a blessing. It is never considered a curse.

Sons are a heritage from the Lord,
children a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.

Psalms 127:3-5

In Deuteronomy 28, God instructs His people about what their behavior should be in the Promised Land. And one of the indications of his approval was, "The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb." Having children was a specific sign of God's blessing and prosperity. On the other hand, throughout Scripture the inablility to have children was considered a reproach, a curse, a sign of disfavor, and a tragedy.

I do want to make a point here that is very important. Today, although children remain a blessing, infertility does not have the same theological significance. You can't say to an infertile woman, "Well, that's God's curse. You've done something wrong." All the promises for blessing in the Old Testament are in the context of Israel in the Land of Promise. We, in Christ, are under a different covenant.

I have a daughter who has problems with infertility. I was so encouraged when she said, "Mother, I believe that if God wants us to have children He will bring us those children when He is ready." She and her husband were willing to wait for God to choose when, if, and how they would have children. And He has given them a beautiful baby girl by adoption who is a wonderful blessing to our whole family.

I just want to reassure someone who may be feeling that her infertility is a curse from God. God has many reasons for sending trials and disappointments in our lives. Just look at Hannah in 1 Samuel 1-2. She became a deeply spiritual woman because of her barrenness. God needed a man to turn the nation of Israel back to God. So He started with a mother who would willingly give her son to serve God for life. Hannah was that mother, and she became the woman she was because of the disappointment and suffering she experienced. Her son Samuel led Israel all of his long life and then anointed her first two kings, Saul and David.

God's Fatherly Love

Besides being our "pride and joy," children benefit us in one very essential spiritual way. They model our relationship with God as a heavenly Father. In John 1:12 we are told that when we trust Jesus Christ as our Savior we become sons of God, children of God. The word in the Greek is "born ones" of God. In Psalms 103:13-14 we see how God uses human parenthood to convey His feelings toward us.

As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion upon those who fear Him;
for He knows how we are formed;
he remembers that we are dust.

I find it much easier to come to an omnipotent, omniscient God knowing He is my heavenly Father than to an awesome, majestic God who is simply my Creator. Do you see the difference? God uses actual relationships that we have on earth to help us understand Him better.

In Matthew 7:11, Jesus compares earthly parents with our heavenly Father. He said in verse 11:

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

When we have children, they touch something in us that no one else is able to reach. They cut across an egocentricity, a basic self-centeredness, that is ingrained in all of us. Just think a minute how we willingly get up ten times a night, if necessary, to care for our babies. How we sacrifice our own comfort to meet the needs of these demanding, helpless little ones who are totally dependent on us. God also uses our love for our children to teach us about His unconditional love for us.

Have you ever had a child who strayed and broke your heart? Perhaps your children have disappointed you, rejected everything you stand for, and gone out on their own. Then they've returned to you. What did you do when they came back? Did you say, "I no longer want anything to do with you?" Or, with open arms, did you welcome them home? Of course you did.

My ability to forgive and love my children demonstrates how God's love for me never ends. If I, with all my capricious instability, can keep on loving children who are sometimes unworthy and ungrateful, how much more is God's love absolutely certain? There is something about having children that helps us understand the fatherhood of God in an incomparable way.

To Have or Not to Have?

Now here's a question worth considering: If children are a blessing from God and are so important to our understanding of Him, do we believers have the right to decide never to have children? Why would a couple make a decision like that?

I think that there are two basic reasons for choosing to remain childless. The first is, quite honestly, selfishness. "We both have careers. We won't be able to travel. We won't have time to do things together. We won't be able to afford our lifestyle."

And the other reason? I'm sure you've heard people say, "Why bring children into this terrible world?" That simply amounts to unbelief. In essence, it is a refusal to believe that God has the ability to keep His children for Himself, even in this depraved society. Believing that does take a lot of faith. And seeing it happen requires a lot of consistency, patience, and commitment on the part of the parents.

As we've noted before, there are three reasons for sexual intercourse, besides consummating the one-flesh relationship. They are reproduction, pleasure, and the prevention of immorality. You do not have the option to decide which reasons you like and which reasons you don't. You can't say, "Well, I love the pleasure, and I'm glad it prevents immorality, but I don't want children." That is really not an option that God has given you. You can't decide what to eliminate.

What about conception control—is that wrong for a believer? You'll notice I said "conception control." I am deliberately avoiding using the term "birth control," because some people bring abortion under that umbrella. We really want to control conception, not birth. And we need to ask ourselves, is that an option for a Christian?

There are two extremes with regard to this. There is one position stating that if you believe in the sovereignty of God then you will do nothing to prevent having children. Then there is the point of view which we just considered, opting for no children at all. But what about family planning?

Wise Family Planning

I read a book when I was first married written by Otto Piper, a theologian. He said something that really helped me. He suggested, "If the intent of the marriage is to have children ultimately, there is nothing wrong with planning." This is especially relevant when you have to regard the health of the mother, the health of the children, and the financial ramifications."

Personally, I think it's not a bad idea for a husband and wife to wait to start a family for the first couple of years of their marriage. This gives them ample time to fully enjoy each other before they have to be involved with the concerns of pregnancy, preparations for a baby, and childbirth.

Unfortunately, Fred and I had our first son just ten months after our wedding. It made our marital adjustments very difficult. All of a sudden I was transformed from a romantic partner into a sickly creature who was throwing up all day long. It was a miserable pregnancy, and it really did take the fun out of our relationship.

I know there are some books and teachers who maintain that we must trust God with our family planning because He is sovereign, and that is true. But I don't see any problems with taking advantage of advances in medical technology.

You are free to disagree, but I would like to say that if conception control is used, the method should be carefully considered. Of course the IUD is not really birth control, it's really a form of abortion because it prevents the implantation of the already-fertilized egg. Besides, IUDs have been largely discredited. Some have produced infections and sterility.

Many experts aren't convinced that "the pill" is safe. It can cause many side effects, especially if you have other health considerations. I have a problem from a health standpoint with a method that interrupts the normal activity of a woman's entire endocrine system.

Vasectomy and tubal ligation are very final and deserve extensive prayer before a decision is made.

One day a woman named Trish and I talked about this issue. She had been married before, and her ex-husband hadn't wanted children. She'd had some female surgery, and in the process had elected to have her tubes tied. Not many years later, her marriage dissolved.

"Now I'm married to the most wonderful man in the world," she couldn't help but smile as she talked about Tom. "But the trouble is, we really can't have children unless I go into the hospital for some fairly complicated surgery."

"Are you thinking about doing that?"

"Well, yes, I'm thinking about it. But it's expensive, and there's no guarantee it will work. I'm thirty-five, too, and I'm not sure whether it's too late for me."

"It's a difficult choice, Trish."

"It is. But sometimes I just sit and look at Tom and dream about 'our baby.' And I can't help but feel cheated. I know he feels the same way. I just wish I hadn't made such a final decision in the first place."

Although they are somewhat less dependable, the best choices for contraception are abstinence during certain times in a woman's cycle, or barrier or rhythm methods. If God overrules and gives you a child, then say, "Thank you, Lord." The fact is, we simply can't play God. And we can't be angry with Him if things don't quite go our way.

Our fifth child was unplanned. I was thirty-nine when David was born. In fact, I had already been thinking about how much freedom I was going to have when my four oldest were in school! But David has been such a joy and delight, it would be awful to think of life without him.

We just have to let God be God.

Guiding, Guarding, Giving Love

And what parental responsibilities do we have? The ones God has given us are not optional. We have the absolute obligation to provide for our children. This includes home, food, clothing, education, security, strength, and love. We need to remember that children are small, dependent, and helpless. They must have external strength to fall back on so they can relax and feel safe. They get that strength, almost in total, from their father and from their mother.

This requires your physical presence. A child's needs are not programmed to fit into your office hours. You can't say, "I'll meet your needs from four to five o'clock, but I'm busy before and after."

A child requires spiritual instruction. Christian parents must both model it and teach it. Please do not leave that to the Sunday school or the Christian school alone, no matter how qualified they seem to be. And, may I point out, the very first thing children need to learn is to honor their parents—and that means obey them. Ephesians 6:1 says, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord." Why is it important for us to teach our children to obey us? Because it also teaches them to obey God.

We are also to provide our sons and daughters with protection. It is not enough for us simply to watch them all the time. We have to prepare them to be on guard themselves. Teach them to look both ways when they cross the street. Teach them why knives and matches are deadly. And teach them that there are bad people who do terrible things to children. You've got to tell them that there are parts of their bodies that nobody should touch—nobody, including father, uncle, or brother. Tell them to tell you if anyone tries to do it.

In Dallas it is estimated that one out of six stepfathers and one out of forty fathers molest their daughters. That's not to mention all the offending brothers and uncles and friends and grandfathers. Sad to say, in some cases mothers actually molest their sons.

We need to give our boys and girls physical, emotional, and intellectual protection. That comes through instruction, and we have to be there for their spiritual instruction. Deuteronomy 4:9 says,

Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.

Reading on, in Deuteronomy 6:5-6,

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

When are we supposed to teach our children? During the day. Into the night. All the time. And that means that you have to be there.

We have a challenging job of disciplining them, too—a job for both parents. Please don't be the kind of mother who says to her kids, "You just wait 'til Daddy gets home!" They need to be disciplined on the spot, the minute they do something wrong. There has to be a connection between the discipline and the bad action. If you wait "til Daddy gets home" there won't be any logical association in their minds between their action and the consequences.

Proverbs 1:8 reminds us, "Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching." The two parents are equally important.

Some of us have been confused by today's humanistic philosophy. Current secular child-rearing literature has as its base the concept that children are born good and only their environment makes them bad. The Bible contradicts this view, stating that we are born with a sinful nature and that is why we do wrong things. Consider the following time-honored Proverbs. Obviously, God's Word is not suggesting or condoning child abuse, but is simply recommending firm discipline that children will understand.

He who spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Proverbs 13:24

Discipline your son, for in that there is hope;
do not be a willing party to his death.

Proverbs 19:18

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.

Proverbs 22:15

Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.
Punish him with the rod
and save his soul from death.

Proverbs 23:13-14

The rod of correction imparts wisdom,
but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.

Proverbs 29:15

God's Gift of Discipline

Women with children at home are guardians of a future generation. Those boys and girls will become the business leaders, doctors, judges, missionaries, preachers, musicians, teachers, and political leaders of the future. The kind of people they will someday become is directly related to the commitment you make to them now. If you don't dedicate yourself to raising them, to giving them moral standards and Christian values, who will? Mothering is the single most significant thing most of us will ever do.

Being a good mother requires personal discipline. It also demands that we discipline our children wisely and consistently. God himself is our role model as a parent.

And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:5-11

God is raising us as His children the way we should raise our children. And yes, there is discipline involved. Discipline has both positive and negative aspects to it. There is instruction, correction, supervision, warning, admonition, rebuke, and infliction of punishment. All of those things are included in discipline.

But the word the writer uses for "trained" in verse 11 is an interesting one. It's the word from which we get gymnasium or gymnastics. The kind of discipline the author of Hebrews is talking about has to do with consistent exercise and training.

How are Olympic athletes trained? They work at their sport for hours and hours, every single day. One woman ice skater said on a recent television interview that she trains for eight hours a day. Hers is a continuing, constant effort to maintain and increase her skills. That is exactly what God is saying to us. We need to allow Him to train us, just as we need to train our children.

We can't allow our children to have everything they want, just as God doesn't always allow us to have everything we want. God disciplines us because He is our Father and we are His children. That gives Him the right to instruct us and train us and even chasten us.

But His discipline is a wonderful assurance. I once said to someone who was going through a very hard time, "Do you realize, this is proof that you are God's child? If you don't ever undergo discipline and instruction and correction and rebuking, it may be because you are not God's child. If you aren't at some time experiencing God's discipline, you are illegitimate."

We imperfect earthly parents have the responsibility to discipline our children, and, even though we make mistakes, our children are supposed to submit, love, and honor us anyway. How much more can we trust our heavenly Father, who never makes a mistake and disciplines only for our good?

God disciplines us because He is our Father. He does it for our good because it leads to holiness. No one ever became holy without effort. And no one ever became holy without discipline. The reason we discipline our children is so they will be good. We want them to grow up to have a good character. God is "exercising" us in His ways for exactly the same reason.

Discipline can be painful and unpleasant. It is a hardship. If the punishment you impose upon your children doesn't bring some discomfort, you are not disciplining them. It has to be painful because they must not want to face those consequences again. But I love what the Hebrews passage says at the end: Discipline produces righteousness and peace for those who have been constantly exercised by it. We are in a training program that will ultimately produce a people who are righteous and who experience peace.

In light of God's methods, we have to give our children freedom to make decisions. When your children come to you as they are getting older and say, "I want to do this and that," you will sit down with them and explain the alternatives and the consequences. Then you'll let them make their decisions, also allowing them to live with the aftermath. Sometimes that is going to be hard for you, but it is the only way they are going to learn to choose correctly.

Do you see the way God deals with us? God gives us the freedom to do what we want with our lives. He allows us to make choices—both good and bad ones—and subsequently allows us to reap the results.

One Highly Influential Career

Children need their parents' presence, time, attention, interest, strength, protection, discipline, and love. Meeting these needs is our privilege and a responsibility, not an interference or an interruption to some career outside the home. Mothering demands more diverse skills than any other vocation imaginable. It is difficult to think of a more influential position in life than mothering, where a woman can influence following generations for either good or evil.

Perhaps you've been led to believe that children under five years old don't really need the careful nurturing and involvement of their mothers. Some psychologists maintain that boys and girls will become more independent if they are raised in child-care centers.

By now we have had a couple of decades of experimentation with this fallacy. Many experts in child development agree that nothing can replace the relationship between mother and child—it is essential to normal, healthy development. Feminine responsibilities are so vital to the next generation that the future of our nation actually depends on how our women view their roles as mothers. Children who are not bonded to their mothers can be irreparably damaged emotionally. It has been demonstrated by researchers that sociopathic behavior is sometimes the result of unhealthy family life in the early years and the absence of adult/child contact.

There sometimes have to be substitutes. But no one can fully replace a mother in a young child's life.

Now, this does not mean you can't take time out now and then. Believe me, an occasional break will save your sanity. You need that. We are talking about habitually leaving your children alone.

Dangers in Day Care

A recent Reader's Digest article reports that nearly half the mothers of preschool children are now employed. Parents are leaving their children at younger ages and for longer hours. Child care in large, state-licensed centers is seen by many as the wave of the future. This mass surrender of child-rearing responsibilities to nonrelatives marks a profound change in human history.

There is growing evidence that there are negative long-term emotional, intellectual, and cultural effects of leaving children in day care. Studies of children with a record of early nonparental care indicate that these children are far more aggressive than other children. They are often less willing to cooperate, and experience a higher degree of frustration. They are sometimes ill behaved, and can completely withdraw themselves socially. Many infants somehow feel that, because their mothers leave them every day, they are being rejected. This can cause them to detach themselves from her emotionally.

Research involving middle-class children in Dallas found that those who spent extensive time in day care were more uncooperative, less popular, and had poorer grades and study skills, and exhibited less self-esteem by third grade. The Reader's Digest article reports that Penelope Leach, a British psychologist and author of Baby and Child, insists that babies need individual care for at least two years.

It goes on to report that Burton L. White, who wrote The First Three Years of Life, a parent's guide for children, says, "I urge you not to delegate the primary care rearing tasks to any one else during your child's first three years of life. Babies form their first human attachment only once."

Day care has become a popular subject in our culture. Women talk about it as a feminist issue, while it is addressed by corporations as both an employment concern and a factor in productivity. The real question, of course, is, "What about the children? Is it good for them? Is it best for them?"

Please think about this summary from the Reader's Digest article ("Hard Truths About Day Care," October 1988):

What the very young want, and urgently need, child-development experts agree, is not education or socialization, but the affection and unhurried attention of their parents.

The truth is, a day-care worker is doing a job. If he or she manages simply to be a kind friend to the youngster and a reliable guardian of the child's safety, that is all anyone ought to expect. Giving the child the rest of what he needs—a self-image, a moral standard, life ambitions and a sense of permanent love—is too much to ask of anyone other than the parents.

Supermom Mythology

After Mom has worked all day, her hours at home are often strained, and she returns to her children drained and dispirited. Women have to recognize that they have just so much energy, and no more. It is impossible to expend your energy on a full-time career, meet the emotional needs of children, train and discipline them, keep up a household, and maintain a healthy, happy marriage all at the same time.

In Time magazine in 1987, there was a cover article called "Are Women Fed Up?" and this is a quote from it.

This nation is filled with burned-out women. Partly because they are trying to pull off something that cannot be pulled off except on the Cosby show.

Women have been told they can have, even ought to have, husbands, children, and a career all perfectly managed. Yet even Time magazine says such an arrangement is a myth!

God Is on Your Side

You may have trained for a career, even earned graduate degrees. You may find it necessary to stay current with research and development in your field while your children are small so that you can return to the workplace later. There are ways you can accomplish that without neglecting your children. The same is true of helping to resolve family financial difficulties.

Ask God to help you. "Lord, my children are my primary responsibility. I want to give them everything they need. Show me how I can balance everything. Show me how I can keep up with my education. Show me how we can earn a little extra money. Show me how I can do it from my home."

Karla had successfully applied for an accounting position with a nearby company. She and Dave desperately needed the extra money she would earn—his sales commissions were dropping dramatically because of the recession. For days she had been poring over fashion catalogues, planning to expand her wardrobe frugally so she could reenter the work force in style. All things considered, she was excited about doing something new and different.

Then a visit to her doctor changed her plans drastically. "You're pregnant, Karla! Congratulations!"

"What? I can't be pregnant! You can't be serious!"

"No question about it, Karla. That certainly explains your `flu symptoms,' doesn't it?"

Karla and Dave sat down together that evening, feeling some very mixed emotions. "Your job seemed like a godsend, but obviously there's no point in your starting it. I don't want to leave our baby in day care."

"Well, I hate the thought of it, too, but what are our alternatives? We're really struggling, Dave, and you're working much too hard." She couldn't help but notice the dark circles around his eyes.

Dave shook his head wearily. It was true—he was stressed and fatigued, working long hours as well as Saturdays. "I'm pretty well maxed out," he agreed. "I think we'd better pray about this, Sweetheart. God knows our need."

Dave and Karla held hands as they asked the Lord for a new course. They prayed that way for several days. Then one afternoon the phone rang, and a friend asked Karla if he could pay her to assist him with the accounting responsibilities for his small business. "I'll give you $250 a month if you'll help me out. I'm just no good at this stuff."

Just weeks later Karla had lunch with a friend whose husband was administrator of a local Christian school. When she learned that Karla was doing accounting work out of her home, she informed her husband. He hired Karla immediately to take over that very demanding part of his job.

Before the baby was even born, Karla had so many clients she couldn't take on any more. Now, years later, with her youngest child in school, she still chooses to work at home. "I can't afford not to! I make a lot more money at home than I can possibly make working for a corporation. God really knows what He's doing, doesn't He?"

If you are a single parent and must work to provide for your family, you can ask God to do something very special for you. Remember, God has committed Himself to be your husband. He will help you. He can show you a way to provide a strong, loving, Christian environment and influence for your children while you're away. And perhaps, with His guidance, like Karla you may find a way of earning your living from your home—many women have done this very successfully.

But I do want to encourage those of you who are staying home, devoting yourself to your children. Do you feel like you are wasting your time? Is your life boring? Ask God to give you joy in being a mother. And ask Him to give you an outreach so that you are not just locked into diapers and the kitchen. You don't have to spend all your time doing that! God can give you a ministry to others that will not take you away from your family.

Make sure your priorities are firm, and realize that you have God on your side. He will work with you so you can do what you are supposed to do. He will give you the strength and wisdom to do the job well. He will provide you with the diversity you need.

Whatever you do, place the same value on children that God places on them. They are a blessing above all other blessings. And the years when they are at home pass all too quickly. Look forward to the time when you can say, "I did my best for my children while they were home with me. Now I've got the time to pursue my own interests. And I can do so with peace of mind, knowing I did everything I could for them."

Julie sat in my office, weeping softly. Finally the words began to come out, "If my friends knew what I've done, no one would even talk to me. I'm so ashamed of myself." She was so choked with emotion that her words were difficult to understand.

My heart ached for her. She was a sweet-faced girl, married, with a little boy. "Can you tell me what's wrong?" I inquired.

"It's so hard . . . okay. Here goes. I was engaged when I was nineteen and my fiance said that since we were almost married anyway why not have sex. We slept together, and I got pregnant and I had an abortion. I have not had a moment of peace for thirteen years. I feel like there is a wall between me and God, and I can't serve Him."

She just sat there weeping. "I had another child eighteen months ago, and I realized all over again how awful, how horrible the thing I did was. Vickie, I can't bear it."

Julie was so ashamed. She was also suffering from terrible self-esteem, as well as having an assortment of physical symptoms that required constant care. Her problem was affecting every aspect of her life. She had been to secular psychologists, but they had been of no help whatsoever.

I tried to help her examine her perspective on the problem. Essentially, she felt that she was unworthy to be used by God because her sin was so great—too great to be forgiven. She seemed to believe that she had to make up for the things she'd done wrong and that she deserved unhappiness.

Julie needed some teaching from the Word of God, which is what I proceeded to give her. First, I explained that the death of Christ was for all sins, and there was no sin He did not pay for. I pointed out that God had removed all her sin far from her, as far as the east is from the west (Ps. 103:12).

Then I said, "Do you realize that your baby is in heaven?" She looked at me in astonishment. "Really?"

"Julie, do you remember David's great sin, when he took Bathsheba for himself and had her husband killed? As a punishment, God told David that the baby was going to die. David fasted and wept while the baby was sick, but after it died he resumed his normal activities. David said, 'While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, Who knows? Maybe the Lord will be gracious and let the child live. But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him but he will not return to me.' David wrote in Psalm 23 that he would dwell in the house of the Lord forever, and that's where he expected to find his baby. Julie, your child is in heaven waiting for you, too."

Hope seemed to flicker across Julie's face. She wiped her eyes.

I continued, "Do you believe that God will forgive and has forgiven and does forget?"

She nodded silently.

"Okay, Julie. Here's what I want you to do. For the very last time, confess the abortion to God and accept His forgiveness. You must accept His forgiveness with an act of your will!"

Julie bowed her head and prayed, "I confess the immorality; I confess the murder." She didn't say "abortion"; she said ⁽⁽murder." "I thank You that Christ died for that, and I accept Your forgiveness."

When she was finished, I said, "Now I am going to suggest something to you. What do you think about writing a letter to your baby?"

Julie smiled, "I'd love to do that."

"Just tell the baby everything you've been wanting to say. Once you've put it all on paper, tear it up. It's finished, Julie. Leave it behind you!"

She got up immediately and said, "I'm going out now and write that letter. You know, Vickie, this is the first time in thirteen years I've had peace. How can I thank you for your help and encouragement?"

Everyone Needs Encouragement

Larry Crabb said, "Encouragement is the kind of expression that makes someone want to be a better Christian, even when life is rough." Don't you long for an encouraging word now and then? I know I do. In fact, all people long to be encouraged. And when we consider this yearning in light of the Titus 2 command for women to minister to women, we can see how God planned for this need to be met. Women especially need other women to encourage them.

But what resources do we have for the encouragement of others? Many times I find that women lack confidence because they feel they aren't qualified to counsel someone else. Perhaps you have those feelings too. If so, I want to remind you of the greatest resource of all wisdom and loving counsel—the Lord Jesus Christ.

When we put our faith in Jesus Christ, He gives us eternal, spiritual life. In 2 Corinthians 5:17, we learn that by our faith in Christ we became a new creation—everything is new. And along with that new life come new privileges and new responsibilities.

Jesus is the great healer. He will abundantly heal today, and He promises perfect healing when we are finally in His presence. We can participate in His healing ministry by being instruments in His hands. Fortunately, as we learn from Paul's letter to the Christians at Colosse, He has supernaturally equipped us for the task.

Life, From God's Perspective

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.

Colossians 3:1-2

First of all, the Lord has given us a new world-view. We should perceive all of life from an eternal perspective. This entails a new value system and a new focus. The past is dead and we have a glorious future.

For you have died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

Colossians 3:3

We also have a new source of life—Christ is now our life. His Holy Spirit dwells in us to produce in us the character of Jesus Christ.

Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

Colossians 3:9-10

This should result in a new goal for life. Instead of pleasing ourselves, our goal should be to please God.

Obviously this will involve new choices. God wants our will to cooperate with His will. He will not use us the way a master puppeteer manipulates a lifeless puppet. He wants mature sons and daughters who have gotten rid of old behavior patterns and have chosen, instead, obedience to His revealed truth—Holy Scripture. This appeal to the will is very important as we minister to others.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Colossians 3:12-15

This passage describes a new identity and unity. We are God's chosen people. We are members of God's family. That's why these verses tell us how to act toward one another.

If we are going to minister to people, the first thing we need to communicate is that we genuinely care for them. Even though they understand that you won't compromise God's truth about right and wrong, it's important for them to realize that you'll still love them—no matter what. If you come into a relationship acting as if you have it all together and the other woman doesn't, your words and actions are going to have no effect upon her.

On the other hand, as we clothe ourselves with compassion, our spiritual garb will make us approachable, sympathetic, humble, grateful, discerning, and usable.

God wants us to let His peace be the umpire in all decisions. When women come to me for help in making a decision, unless they are faced with a clear moral choice, chances are I don't know what God's will is for them. So, when they ask, "Should I do it or shouldn't I?" I'll usually say to them, "Make the choice, and let God's peace be the umpire. If you have His peace, go ahead. If you don't have His peace, chances are you're on the wrong track."

God's Word for Heart, Soul, and Spirit

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Colossians 3:16-17

How do we minister to each other? "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly." That is the command. The word dwell means "to be permanently at home." The word of Christ is to inhabit our character as part of our personality.

When you read "word of Christ," what does that mean to you? Does that refer only to the red letters in your Bible and the actual words Jesus said? No, the "word of Christ" means all of Scripture.

And how is God's Word going to dwell in you? By your familiarity with it. You should know some of it by memory. Know its broad principles.

Know the meaning of the stories.

Know how to communicate its message of salvation. Know how to exhort others with its message.

God's Word must dwell in you in abundance. And your knowledge of His Word will be disclosed in three ways—as you teach, as you admonish, and as you sing. The word "teach" means to give instruction and to involve the intellect.

The word "admonish" means to warn and to encourage and involves both the emotions and the will.

"Singing" expresses a joyful attitude of thankfulness and praise. Since these activities involve the intellect, the emotions, and the will, we are able to reach the total person.

God wants us to teach and admonish with every kind of wisdom—wisdom that is consistent with the Word of God. Sometimes you will read a Christian book and find ideas that are based on the Word of God. In fact those ideas may make biblical principles clearer. Do, however, be very careful about secular books. There is truth to be found in many of them, but sometimes it is mixed with error, and the reasoning is structured upon faulty foundational assertions. When we utilize secular material we have to be very discerning so we won't be misled.

Recognizing Legitimate Longings

As you encourage women, you will soon hear about their dreams, their aspirations, and their yearnings. Remember that there are two legitimate longings in all of our hearts—longings for security and for significance.

Unfortunately, instead of finding security and significance in God, people often seek for them in material goods, in sex, in power, and in relationships. And our goal, instead of pleasing God, becomes pleasing ourselves. Ultimately, we never find security and significance because we are looking for them in all the wrong places, using the wrong strategies.

A woman is likely to say to you, "I want to be married," or "I want to have companionship," or "I want to have a child."

Don't correct her by saying, "Well, you shouldn't be wanting those things." She is expressing legitimate longings. "Wrongness" only enters the picture if the woman is seeking them in her own way instead of waiting for God's provision and timing. When you can make that distinction for a person it is very helpful.

Masks of Perfection

We also need to realize that, at the bottom of our hearts, we are all afraid of relationships. We are afraid of reaching out to others because we dread their rejection. The core emotion is fear; the core threat is exposure which could lead to rejection. And so we hide behind masks. If we want to minister, however, we're going to have to admit that we're less than perfect ourselves.

Women want to know.

"Have you ever experienced anything like this? "

"Have you ever had any problems in your marriage?"

"Have you ever had a rebellious child?"

"Have you been tempted?"

"Have you ever failed to obey God?"

Please—don't hide behind a pious front, pretending you've never done anything wrong. Be transparent. You will have much more credibility if you admit that you've gone through some difficulties of your own. That is one of the reasons God allows us to confront problems, so that we can let others know how He has met our needs.

Goals and Desires

When women are sharing their hopes, dreams, and aspirations with you, remember that there is a big difference between a goal and a desire. I learned this wonderful lesson from Larry Crabb, and I hope you profit from it too. By arbitrary definition he calls a goal "anything we need to validate our personal worth." A goal is what gives our lives fulfillment, so if a goal validates you as a person, then it is necessary, and it can't be blocked by someone else. All of us must have some goal in life that gives us meaning and significance.

Now, just for the sake of definition, let's call the other good things we'd like to have in life "desires." A desire is not necessary for our personal fulfillment. And a desire can be blocked by someone else.

A good marriage is a desire, not a goal, because someone else can block it. The same is true of raising godly children. In either case, another person's will is involved, and that person is responsible for his (or her) choices. Pray that your desires will be met, but don't take upon yourself all the responsibility for the other person's fulfillment.

And as for goals? It's helpful to realize that there is only one goal in life that will really validate you. Only one goal will give you significance and the ability to go on no matter what is thrown at you. Do you know what it is?

Finally, brothers, we instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more.

1 Thessalonians 4:1 (emphasis added)

Living to Please God

The only goal we need to be concerned with is the goal of pleasing God! And you can't imagine how comforting this is going to be for other women. Suppose a husband is straying. He is saying things to her like, "Well, I'm going to give it another three months and if you don't really straighten up, I am leaving."

Or, "I'm interested in someone else."

Or, worst of all, "I'm still trying to make a decision between you and her."

But suppose a woman simply says, "I am going to live to please God, .and no one else." What kind of wife is she going to be? She will meet her husband's needs but not his outrageous demands. And he will not be able to keep her under his unreasonable control.

It is always the person we try to please who controls us. When the women I counsel are in the midst of marital problems, I try to focus them on the possibility that they may be living just to please their husbands.

Sadly, there are some men (not to mention some women, including mothers and mothers-in-law) who keep people under their power by never being pleased. They will never give their approval. In response we work harder, try harder, and yet constantly feel, "I am not worth anything because I never get a compliment. I never even get, 'That was a good meal, Honey,' or 'You're looking good today." Some people deliberately withhold approval in order to retain control. Once we recognize that trait, we don't have to be slaves to their disapproval—it's their problem. Besides, our goal is to please God. We need to grasp this for ourselves, and then help others see it.

Seeing Life Through God's Eyes

Wisdom should include not only knowing God's Word, but also knowing how things work. We're supposed to be realists, not idealists. We live in a fallen world, not a fair world. There is injustice and we cannot always make everything work out right.

Suppose something tragic happens in life—a death, a terminal illness, a child straying, a divorce. Because of this event, emotions may be ravaged. What causes this emotional response, the event or our response to the event? Is any event so devastating that we can't go on living?

Let's learn to say, and teach others to say, "Everything that has come into my life has been sifted through the hands of my loving Father. He is going to use it in my life for good, and I know I can trust Him." Once we get hold of this faith, our emotions will eventually change. When the will is set on trusting God, healthy feelings and actions will eventually follow.

Always try to encourage individuals to express willingness for God to change their minds. Pray with them, and ask them to tell Him out loud, "Lord, I want You to bring my mind into agreement with Yours." This single step, if sincerely taken, marks the beginning of a new attitude.

If someone is suffering from grief, don't reprimand her saying, "Now look! You've got to feel better! It's wrong for you to he so miserable." Grief is normal and right—Jesus wept. If weeping over the death of a friend or a loved one was a sin, He would never have wept at Lazarus' tomb. However, sustained anger at God, because He has allowed suffering, goes well beyond the boundaries of normal grief.

Confronting Sin in Love

Sometimes, as you talk with a woman, you will see indications of sinful behavior in her life. It's important for you to be willing to point out those things. Don't jump in and say, "You did that wrong!" Instead, say, "How do you feel about the way you handled that?" Most women will be pretty honest. Then we can gently show them how their behavior differs from God's Word and His standards. And, by the way, it's necessary for us to treat believers and unbelievers differently when it comes to sin.

We need to remind believers of 1 John 1:9-2:1.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.

You've probably noticed that even when people confess their sins sometimes they still seem burdened with guilt. They can't forgive themselves. And, deep down inside, they really don't believe that God should forgive them either. Hebrews 9:14 tells us,

How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!

You see, Christ not only died to pay for our sins, He died to cleanse our consciences.

Louise and I were walking together at a retreat. I could tell she had something weighing on her heart, so I'd suggested we take a stroll through the beautiful mountain scenery. After a few moments of small talk, she said, "I have to tell you something, Vickie. Ten years ago I committed adultery. I did it once and have never done it again. But I haven't had a moment's peace since."

"Does your husband know?"

"No, I've never told him. I couldn't tell anyone, because all my friends are pastors' wives or dedicated church people. Vickie, I'm so guilt ridden, so miserable."

"Do you ever intend to do it again?"

"No! Of course not—it is totally out of my life."

I had my Bible with me. "Let's sit down here for a minute," I said, turning to 1 John 1:9 and reading it to her.

"'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.' He can do this because Jesus Christ has paid the penalty. Have you confessed your sin to the Lord?"

"Oh yes, hundreds of times."

"Now I think, with me as your witness, you should confess to God for the last time, and then accept His forgiveness with an act of your will."

Louise confessed her immorality out loud, weeping as she spoke. She finally said, "Lord, I accept your forgiveness."

I then said, "Now listen, don't ever talk to God about this again, because He says He has removed it from you and forgotten it."

I turned in my Bible to Psalms 103:12 and read aloud, "'As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

I also showed her in Hebrews 7:12 that the Scripture says, "I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

"Now, Louise," I continued, "if God has taken away your sin and forgotten it, then He no longer holds you accountable."

Louise sighed and shook her head. "I guess I had to have a human being tell me I was forgiven. You know, Vickie, I never knew women could minister to women like this."

People everywhere suffer with guilt and confusion. Sometimes our guilt, like Louise's, is based on a sin for which we've failed to appropriate God's forgiveness. Other times we have false guilt. We feel guilty because a child has run off or a husband has strayed. We blame ourselves, even when we aren't at fault. It is helpful for us to teach women to recognize the other person's responsibility, and then to leave that circumstance between him and God.

And as for unbelievers? When we are faced with their sin, we need to give them the gospel! We have to show them that they are unable to change their behavior without God's indwelling Spirit. These people have to face up to the destructive effects of sin on their lives. Dealing with sin in the life of an unbeliever is a golden opportunity—their confrontation with personal unworthiness can bring them to the Savior.

Freedom from Fear

Linda asked to see me privately when I spoke at a retreat some time ago. She was obviously pregnant, and her face was streaked with tears. When I asked what was wrong she said, "My baby is due in two months and I'm afraid that my husband Bryan won't be there with me."

"Has he said he won't be there?"

"Not really, but his job requires a lot of traveling, and I'm just afraid he won't be able to make it."

I studied her face thoughtfully for a moment, sensing there was something more. "Is anything else bothering you?"

She looked away, took a deep breath and all but whispered, "I'm afraid there might be something wrong with the baby."

As gently as possible, I reassured Linda that every woman experiences that fear when she's pregnant. Then I asked her, "What is the worst thing you can think of happening when your baby comes?"

The tears overflowed as she said, "Not having Bryan there, and having something wrong with the baby."

I took her hands in mine, looked directly into her eyes and said, "If those things happened—and I don't think they will—but if they did, do you think God is big enough to get you through them?"

I heard a very faint yes.

"Linda, fear of the future can make us miserable and take away our joy if we let our imaginations run riot. God wants you to act with your will, no matter what your emotions are. Psalm 53:6 gives us the answer: When I am afraid I will trust in You. Fear is an emotion. Trust in God is an act of the will. Are you willing to tell the Lord that you trust Him to take care of you and the baby, whether Bryan is there or not?"

Linda nodded her head.

"Why don't you tell that to the Lord right now ?"

She bowed her head, tears streaming down her cheeks, and prayed very simply, "Lord, I don't want to be afraid anymore. I trust you to take care of me and the baby. I want Bryan there, but if he's not, I believe You will take me through it."

Then I prayed for her as well.

I received a birth announcement about two months later. On it was a little note:

"Jonathan is a perfectly healthy little baby. Bryan was here with me, praise the Lord. But I want you to know that I did not have a moment's fear since the day we prayed."

God gives us His peace when we give Him our fears. Not only is this a vital truth for our own walk with Him, but what a gift it is to share with the women we counsel.

The Priceless Gift of Friendship

As Alan McGinnis says in his book The Friendship Factor, "Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love and be loved is the greatest happiness in all existence. People with no friends usually have a diminished capacity for sustaining any kind of love."

The Bible supports this need for friends. The Book of Proverbs says,

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 17:17

Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Proverbs 27:6

An honest answer
is like a kiss on the lips.

Proverbs 24:26

As iron sharpens iron,
so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

Friends are lovingly honest because they want the very best for the one they love. Have you ever tried to sharpen a knife? You take the file in one hand and the knife in the other and you start to scrape. Does it make a pretty sound? Not at all. But it depicts what we're supposed to do for each other. Refine the imperfections. Smooth the rough places. Sharpen the cutting edge. That's not always nice is it? And it's much safer to always be nice. Nevertheless, we need to sharpen each other, challenge each other to reach beyond where we are. That's what friends are supposed to do.

When my first son was small, he was a somewhat difficult child. And as a young and inexperienced mother, I was frustrated and short-tempered with him. I often found myself yelling at him and confronting his belligerence with my own strong-willed anger.

One day a friend was visiting our home, and she quietly observed my behavior during a couple of unpleasant incidents. "Vickie," she finally said, looking me straight in the eye, "you're handling him all wrong! You're completely out of control, and it's making him behave even worse."

He's my son, and I'll bring him up my way, I thought to myself, fuming inwardly. But somewhere deep in my heart I knew she was right.

Later on that evening, I was reading my Bible and came across Proverbs 18:21: "The tongue has the power of life and death . . .

I sensed in my spirit that God was confirming my friend's words, difficult as they were to receive. My tongue would have the power of life and death over the spirit of my son and our future relationship. I had to change. Gradually, and over the course of weeks and months, I was able to change my reactions to my son. My friend's courageous words made a big difference in our home.

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart,
and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.
Do not forsake your friend.

Proverbs 27:9-10

The wise in heart are called discerning
and pleasant words promote instruction.

Proverbs 16:21

A wise man's heart guides his mouth,
and his lips promote instruction.

Proverbs 16:23

Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Proverbs 16:23-24

I'm sure if you thought a little you could think of someone who did this for you. Someone who called and just said the right thing on a really bad day. Someone who encouraged you that you were looking wonderful. Someone who reminded you that you're a terrific mother, a great wife, or a wonderful friend. Pleasant words really are sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Don't fail to give some away!

True friendship means love, loyalty, support, honesty, rebuke, instruction, counsel. There's a lot more involved here than just going to a movie and lunch together.

The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life,
but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked.

Proverbs 10:11

No Greater Love

Without a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ there is no way for a friend to provide a godly perspective. That is the first thing we should offer those with whom we counsel. Without Christ there is no hope at all, and we have only our own human wisdom and strategies to fall back on.

We in God's family have so much more to offer.

We have His unchanging word.

We have the love He implants in our hearts for one another.

We have the powerful Holy Spirit dwelling in us, motivating and enabling us to do God's will.

So much of the suffering we encounter in our lives is entangled with the issue of human guilt. And secular psychology has no remedy for guilt. Many psychologists say, "You shouldn't feel guilty because there is no such thing as sin." Or they say, "Don't feel guilty about what you did. You have to take care of yourself."

But Christians have an antidote for guilt. Jesus Christ forgives our sins, and He cleanses our consciences from guilt when we trust Him as our Lord and Savior. We can present the women we counsel with God's love.

With His willingness to forgive.

With His plan for redemption.

With His provision for cleansing us from sin on a daily basis.

We don't have to give a theology lesson. We simply need to offer His love and grace to those who need it.

Maybe you are thinking, "No way! That's too much—that's just for somebody who has gone to Bible school or seminary." Well, that's not true. In fact, if we could reach people more quickly with God's wisdom and counsel and concern and prayer, some of their problems would never escalate to such critical stages.

Dr. Gary Collins is in charge of the psychology department at Trinity College. In his book How to Be a People Helper he asks this question, "Does friend-to-friend counseling work?" And here is his amazing answer. "When lay people with or without training were compared to professionals, it was discovered that the patients of lay counselors do as well as or better than the patients of professional counseling."

Dr. Larry Crabb agrees. I once heard him say, "Our obsession with professionalism prevents us from really ministering effectively to one another because we don't have the confidence in ourselves that we can do it."

That's not to say that there may not come a time when we must refer someone to a biblically committed professional counselor. But a large number of problems could be handled at a less critical level if we reached out caring hands a little sooner, a little more effectively.

Women all around us, in our communities, in our churches, and in our neighborhoods are crying out for friendships that are deep and life giving. Women need to be able to face their suffering in a loving and compassionate environment. As believers in Jesus Christ, we have that kind of friendship to offer—if we are willing to involve ourselves in the needs of others.

In John 15:13, Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." He did just that for you and me. He died for us while we were yet sinners—not friends, but enemies. And He has commissioned us to love each other, in the face of suffering and struggle, with that same kind of sacrificial love.

Keeping the Big Picture in Mind

As we've considered women in light of God's design for them, we've come to realize that no one can be as helpful to a woman as another woman. It's His best intention for us that we befriend one another, meeting each other's needs in areas that the men in our lives simply cannot address. Although the information we've shared hasn't been exhaustive, it specifically addresses a number of the subjects older women are to teach younger women. It can help provide us with a biblical basis for our own lives, and for those we counsel.

God intended that this world be perfect, and that our interpersonal relationships be totally satisfying. But life on planet Earth is sadly imperfect, scarred by selfishness and evil. Women have somehow lost their identities amidst all the distortion, not only in male-female relations, but also in their relationships with God. Only the redemption of humankind through Jesus Christ's death and resurrection can bring both men and women to wholeness and health.

Within marriages, homes, and families, the twisting of God's plan has been most tragically manifested. In areas of the very greatest intimacy, vulnerability, and need, sin has come in and robbed men and women of both pleasure and peace. Nothing short of God's grace can provide solutions for otherwise impossible situations.

As wives and mothers, as single women and widows, we have a great deal to give to one another. As we pass through our own temptations, trials, and triumphs, we gain depth of character and spiritual maturity. And we have comfort to offer (2 Cor. 1:3-4). Because others are struggling, it is up to us to share what we've learned, what we have, what we hope for and what we believe in.

We have received precious insights, promises, and blessings from a loving heavenly Father. Like the loaves and fishes the little boy brought to Jesus, let's give our portion of understanding and comfort back to Him. He will bless it, show us how to distribute it, and guide us as we reach out to others—woman to woman, heart to heart.

So what is your gut reaction? Tell me how you really feel."

"It's a perfect match—they're madly in love, and she has nothing but good feelings about him."

"Let's go for it! My sense is that we're doing the right thing."

These familiar sound bytes indicate that our modern world is deeply sensitive to human emotions. In fact, more often than not, our feelings are our compass, guiding our decision-making process. We call it "following our hearts instead of our heads." Of course, we know that emotions are a God-given part of our lives, allowing us to vividly experience the world. But as Christian women, we have to ask ourselves if emotional satisfaction should be our primary goal in life.

The answer is clearly no.

The evidence around us suggests that modern emotions are creating subjective standards that aren't the least bit trustworthy. Broken marriages, abused children, and teenage suicides proclaim out-of-control emotions. Wants that are falsely identified as needs keep family credit cards maxed out and finances in shambles. And "if it feels good, do it" was a deadly motto for thousands of people now suffering from sexually transmitted diseases.

My years as a wife, mother, and Bible teacher have taught me that God's Word provides an objective set of standards for daily living. Naturally, these standards don't always "feel good" when we first confront them. For example, when God calls upon us to treat others the way we'd like to be treated ourselves, personal sacrifice is necessary. When He requires us to obey His commandments, doing so may conflict with our deepest cravings. Most disturbing of all, He firmly challenges us to set all else aside when we submit ourselves to His sovereign will.

On a day-to-day basis, we are faced with hundreds of choices, thousands of challenges, and countless temptations. In the pages that follow, we'll reflect upon the emotional experiences of both contemporary women and historic men and women who lived in biblical times. I hope our inquiry into their lives will encourage you to bring your will into line with the biblical principles we'll study. Once you've made a willful decision to choose God's way, you'll find that your emotions will follow. When women do this, I can tell you the results are life changing.

Why is dealing with our emotions—facing our feelings—so important? While positive emotions add luster to life, negative emotions can be very damaging. If we ignore them, become obsessed with them, or refuse to confront them, they will stunt our spiritual growth. The truth is, we cannot be spiritually mature unless we are emotionally mature. My prayer is that, with the help of the Holy Spirit, this book will enlighten and inspire you toward emotional health and its inevitable result—spiritual growth.