This is NOT what I Signed Up For - Week 5 Lecture
Related MediaHow many of you have ever regretted a commitment you made, something you agreed to do which later turned out to be more than you bargained for? Watch this clip of a woman who knows how you feel.
Clip of Private Benjamin
Although I don’t recommend the movie, this clip communicates the problem very well. All too often, I am afraid, we are like Private Judy Benjamin; we commit and then to our horror discover that the obligation requires more than we are willing to give. We don’t want to pay the cost of our words. We feel that we enlisted in a different army, we took a different job, we joined a different church, or we married a different man. The reality has turned out to be quite unlike our expectations; consequently, we want out. Surely, God wouldn’t expect us to remain true to the words of commitment that we spoke. Surely, he understands that we can’t possibly do this! The cost is too great!
This week we studied Jonathan, whose friendship with David likely made him feel that what he got was not what he signed up for! But Jonathan was faithful despite the cost.
BUT, Jonathan was faithful despite the cost
Because God calls us to be equally as faithful, we have much to learn from Jonathan. What does he teach us about being faithful to our commitments?
First, Jonathan’s ultimate commitment was to God and his kingdom. He was faithful by seeking God’s kingdom above all else.
BUT, Jonathan was faithful despite the cost
He was faithful to God by seeking His kingdom
Let’s review the background of our story. I’m sure you remember that Jonathan was the heir to the throne of Israel, being King Saul’s son. However, because of Saul’s disobedience, God rejected him as king, saying in 1 Sam. 13 that he would replace Saul with a man after his own heart.
Saul knew this, and we can be sure that Jonathan did also. Then, David entered the story. He was anointed by the prophet Samuel as God’s choice as king. But it took years before he was brought to power. In the meantime he became part of Saul’s family. He served Saul faithfully as a warrior and as his son-in-law. But later events prove that at some point early in those intervening years, Saul and his household became aware that David was God’s choice. He would be the next king rather than Jonathan.
With that in mind, turn to 1 Sam. 18:1-4.
When David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan and David became bound together in close friendship. Jonathan loved David as much as he did his own life. Saul retained David on that day and did not allow him to return to his father’s house. Jonathan made a covenant with David, for he loved him as much as he did his own life. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with the rest of his gear, including his sword, his bow, and even his belt.
Covenants are solemn agreements sworn before God, and in this case it was a mutual agreement to care for and defend one another. Jonathan was the one who initiated this covenant. As the prince of Israel he was the superior, and he had to be the one to approach David, which he did because of his love for David.
But I think he was motivated by something else as well. He was prompted by his faith and led by his God. Because Jonathan knew that David was God’s chosen king, he committed to be loyal to him as the next ruler. Why do I say that?
The Bible Knowledge Commentary (p. 369-370) says this:
Sword, bow, belt: these were treasured items that would not have been casually surrendered. With these gifts Jonathan ratified his covenant with David. In retrospect, Jonathan’s action was symbolic of a transfer of royal power from Saul’s family to David. With David’s acceptance of the sword, he became who Jonathan was, the heir apparent to the throne of Israel. By his actions, Jonathan acknowledged God’s decision that David should rule, and he stepped aside.
Jonathan sought God’s kingdom first, even when that meant giving up his claim to be king. And as time went on, he proved faithful to his promised loyalty to David as God’s choice. He was faithful to his word no matter what!
He was faithful to his word no matter what
I doubt that Jonathan knew how much pressure he would get to renege on his word to David. Maybe he believed that his father would trust and obey God and yield to his will, but it didn’t happen. Jonathan had to be faithful to his word in defiance of and in opposition to his own father.
Opposing his own father
Look at 1 Sam. 20. Here David had told Jonathan that Saul was trying to kill him, but Jonathan had a difficult time believing it. Look vv. 8-9. David said to him—
You must be loyal to your servant, for you have made a covenant with your servant in the Lord’s name. If I am guilty, you yourself kill me! Why bother taking me to your father?”
Jonathan said, “Far be it from you to suggest this! If I were at all aware that my father had decided to harm you, wouldn’t I tell you about it?”
Jonathan promised loyalty to David against all foes, even protecting David against his own father because of their covenant. That’s tough! Put yourself in his place. But Jonathan was faithful to his word despite the cost.
In order to fulfill his covenant to David, he not only had to oppose his own father, but he also had to act against his own self-interest.
Against his own self-interest
Look at 1 Sam. 20:30-34:
Saul became angry with Jonathan and said to him, “You stupid traitor! Don’t I realize that to your own disgrace and to the disgrace of your mother’s nakedness you have chosen this son of Jesse? For as long as this son of Jesse is alive on the earth, you and your kingdom will not be established. Now, send some men and bring him to me. For he is as good as dead!”
Jonathan responded to his father Saul, “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” Then Saul threw his spear at Jonathan in order to strike him down. So Jonathan was convinced that his father had decided to kill David. Jonathan got up from the table enraged. He did not eat any food on that second day of the new moon, for he was upset that his father had humiliated David.
Saul reminded Jonathan that his covenant to David meant that he had prioritized David over his father and over his own claims to the throne. Clearly, Saul knew what had happened with the transfer of the royal insignia from Jonathan to David and that David was God’s chosen king. Saul was fighting God’s will and God’s kingdom while Jonathan had embraced it over his father and his ability to be king himself.
The bottom line here is that Jonathan was faithful to his words despite the cost of alienation from his own father, because he trusted God with the outcome.
Trusting God with the outcome
Turn to 1 Sam. 20:42:
Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, for the two of us have sworn together in the name of the Lord saying, ‘The Lord will be between me and you and between my descendants and your descendants forever.’”
Jonathan knew that God, as the witness between the two of them when they made their covenantal promises, expected faithfulness Jonathan had to trust him with whatever happened.
Look ahead at 1 Sam. 23:16-18. At this point David was running for his life from Saul. Years had likely passed since David and Jonathan parted, but Jonathan still loved David and remained committed to his word.
Then Jonathan son of Saul left and went to David at Horesh. He encouraged him through God. He said to him, “Don’t be afraid! For the hand of my father Saul cannot find you. You will rule over Israel, and I will be your second in command. Even my father Saul realizes this.”
Why did Jonathan believe that Saul would fail to find David? Because he knew that God was faithful to his word and his promises to make David king. God was in control; therefore, Jonathan trusted him with the future.
Jonathan was a man who spoke his word and stuck by it. God calls us to do the same. When we face a situation where we might say, “This is not what I signed up for,” we must remain faithful to our commitments despite the cost.
BUT, we must remain faithful despite the cost
Just as Jonathan’s word was based on God’s will and his kingdom purposes, so we should speak words that align with God’s kingdom. We remain faithful despite the cost because we seek God’s kingdom in all we say and do.
By seeking God’s kingdom with all that we say and do
This point has two aspects. First, we shouldn’t agree to anything that doesn’t align itself with God’s will. We shouldn’t commit unless we are sure that God is leading in that direction. And second, we should fulfill what we commit to do because God calls us to do so; it is his will for us, even when we have spoken without consulting him. We seek his kingdom by faithfully standing by what we say and thereby giving forth glimpses of his faithfulness to the world.
In the Lord’s prayer Jesus taught his disciples to pray “May your kingdom come, may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven” (Mt. 6:10).
It is easier to trust God when things go wrong when we have sought his kingdom and are following him. To do that we must be careful with what we say by avoiding rash words.
(involves avoiding rash words)
Proverbs is full of wisdom about our words, and avoiding rash words is a key theme in that book. I have picked out a couple of the verses to read.
Prov. 13:3 The one who guards his words guards his life,
but whoever is talkative will come to ruin.
Prov. 29:20: Do you see someone who is hasty in his words?
There is more hope for a fool than for him.
Look also at James 1:19:
Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters! Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.
Good general principles in any situation.
There is a warning here to those of us who quickly agree to things as well as those of us who just talk too much. Don’t speak without thinking through what you should say. Don’t rush to comment to others. Consult God first.
I know a woman, not someone here at our church, who has backed out of commitments to ministry more than once. She told me that she just hadn’t really prayed about what she said she would do. And so that was her excuse to be unfaithful to her word. It wasn’t what she had signed up for! But God expects us to be faithful to our words, even when we don’t consult him. So be sure it’s what God would have you do for his kingdom before you commit. In our culture we can be so busy with really positive good things that we miss what God has called us to do for his kingdom. That must be our priority. Doing good things that are not in God’s will aren’t the best things for us to do.
Several weeks ago I put something on my calendar for last week that I believed God would have me do. However, as the event neared, other things began to press on my time. I realized that my week would be crazy and stressful. I wished that I didn’t have to do what I had said I would do. How I wanted to call someone and bail out! I didn’t sign up for such a busy week! But I knew I had to do it. First, because God wanted me to do it even if I didn’t want to do it (besides I was teaching this lesson this week); and second because I said I would! So I simply told God that he had to give me the energy and strength to do everything on my plate because it was about his kingdom and about showing his faithfulness. And as you can see, I lived to tell about it!
We are to seek God’s will above all else, even when it is costly. And for many believers that cost is far beyond having too many things to do in one week. Those who trust in Jesus join God’s army, and sometimes they pay with prison and martyrdom. Sometimes we pay by losing friends or jobs when we can’t go along with what they are asking us to do.
We may think that the army we signed up for was one where we walk with God through a life of bliss and joy where everything goes well. We may think that being in God’s army means our lives will always go well, he’ll answer our prayers as we want them answered, and we’ll never face real hardship. But the real army is not so easy! In this army it’s not okay if we don’t follow through with our commitments because it becomes hard. Seeking God’s kingdom means we are to be faithful to our words even when they hurt and require sacrifice. Sometimes it means that even when God clearly directs us in a particular way, we face difficulty and hardship. Loyalty often requires sacrifice. Faithfulness means that we have a loyalty and commitment that show forth glimpses of godliness.
When we are true to our marriage vows in the midst of unhappiness, when we are faithful to the promises we make to others; when we work to the best of our abilities because we committed to a job; when we faithfully pay off our homes even when it means we keep paying the bank after we have sold a house at a deficit; when we do all of these things, we show forth something of Jesus to the world, and we further his kingdom on earth as others see something unusual and different about us.
We are also faithful to what we say because we recognize God is the witness to our words, just as he was to Jonathan’s promises.
By recognizing God is the witness to our words of commitment
God hears what we say and expects us to follow through. Look at Mt. 12:36-37:
“I tell you that on the day of judgment, people will give an account for every worthless word they speak. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
God takes our words seriously and will someday bring them to light. Of course, that includes more than promises we make, but not less than promises we make. The day will come when he will ask us why we didn’t keep our promises. I don’t want to disappoint him in that day.
Finally, we remain faithful despite the cost because we are able to trust God with the future.
By trusting God with the future
Look at Rom. 8:28-29:
And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose, because those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.
We trust that God is at work for his kingdom through our faithfulness.
I have some friends who have a youth pastor in their family. He and his wife have been faithfully trying to serve and follow what God has shown them to do. When he left his last church, they lost thousands of dollars on their home. Two weeks ago, he was laid off because his new church faces financial challenges in our present economy. Within days his wife was laid off from her job as well. They are in a mess. They own a home and have no savings with the first loss. We may think that somewhere along the way they failed to hear what God was telling them about their home purchases, but we don’t know that. I do know that they are struggling; and he is considering leaving ministry. They are disheartened with what has happened, and I totally understand why. But perhaps their feelings have been made worse because they don’t think this is what they signed up for. They may think that there was some unspoken promise that all would go well because they were serving God; they expected the house to sell quickly; they expected not to lose jobs; they expected God to protect them from these kinds of real life problems.
If God has truly called them into ministry and they have heard and responded to that call, all they can do is move forward and find another place to serve. In the end they have to trust God with the future. They have to trust that he loves them, that he is a good God, and that his kingdom purposes are greater than a job or a mortgage or a recession. This could be the experience that catapults them into a deeper and greater ministry because they will have learned to follow and trust God even when what they face is not what they signed up for.
God blesses obedience, but blessing doesn’t mean all goes well. Jonathan lost his life fighting with his father Saul. Both were killed in their final battle, and Jonathan was never able to be David’s second in command as he expected. But I know that he was blessed by God. He was blessed by knowing that he had sought God’s kingdom above all else, that he had been loyal to help his friend as God desired. And I am sure that he was blessed with rich reward when he entered heaven because he sought God’s kingdom by faithfully standing by his promises.
Will you be faithful to what you have said to God and to others even when the cost is more than you signed up for? Will you be faithful to your husband who turned out to be someone you didn’t bargain for? Will you be faithful to the ministry God has given you? Will you be a faithful employee even when the demands of the job are more than you are paid to do? Will you be faithful to whatever words you rashly spoke even if it costs you? I pray that we become women of our words so that we give forth glimpses of godliness that are so unusual people take notice.
Related Topics: Character Study, Curriculum, Discipleship, Spiritual Life
Make Up Your Mind to Obey God! - Week 2 Lecture
Related MediaI was a teenager in the 60’s. (Before I lose you while you do the math, I’m in my 50’s!) That was a time when the walls of cultural and religious norms were torn down. The culture encouraged us to live as we pleased! One of my favorite songs of that era is “Born to Be Wild”! And deep down that is how I feel. Let me do what I want to do and leave your rules to yourself! Obedience is hard for me. If you are honest, you might feel the same way!
I was a teenager in the 60’s. (Before I lose you while you do the math, I’m in my 50’s!) That was a time when the walls of cultural and religious norms were torn down. The culture encouraged us to live as we pleased! One of my favorite songs of that era is “Born to Be Wild”! And deep down that is how I feel. Let me do what I want to do and leave your rules to yourself! Obedience is hard for me. If you are honest, you might feel the same way! God’s call to obey goes against the grain of our natural inclinations; as sinners born into a fallen world, we are all born to be wild. But God pulls us in another direction by his love. He calls us to obey him out of his concern for our best. Sometimes that means we must make hard choices.
What do you do when faced with a difficult choice to obey God or not, especially when the negative effects of compromise seem insignificant? The 1981 movie Chariots of Fire reveals how one man faced such a decision. It is the story of Eric Liddell, a 1924 Olympic runner. Eric believed that Sunday was to be a day devoted to God, just as the Jewish Sabbath was. When he learned that one of the heats for his race was on Sunday, he was confronted with either dropping out of the Olympics or disobeying what he saw as God’s will. What difference could it possibly make whether he ran on Sunday in the larger scheme of things?
Liddell also faced the pressure of the British Olympic commission. After learning of his decision not to run, they called him into a meeting to convince him otherwise.
[Chariots of Fire clip]
Eric Liddell chose to obey even when it didn’t seem to matter to anyone but God. He had much in common with Daniel. Both were men of integrity who were challenged by difficult decisions of obedience. In both cases logic might say, “What difference does it make?” Let’s look at the story in Daniel
Read Dan. 1:1-8a.
In the third year of the reign of King Jehoiakim of Judah, King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon advanced against Jerusalem and laid it under siege. Now the Lord delivered King Jehoiakim of Judah into his power, along with some of the vessels of the temple of God. He brought them to the land of Babylonia to the temple of his god and put the vessels in the treasury of his god.
The king commanded Ashpenaz, who was in charge of his court officials, to choose some of the Israelites who were of royal and noble descent –young men in whom there was no physical defect and who were handsome, well versed in all kinds of wisdom, well educated and having keen insight, and who were capable of entering the king’s royal service– and to teach them the literature and language of the Babylonians.
[So at this point we know that Daniel was a young man related to the royal family of Israel; he was handsome and sharp; therefore, he was taken captive into Babylon to serve the king.]
1:5 So the king assigned them a daily ration from his royal delicacies and from the wine he himself drank. They were to be trained for the next three years. At the end of that time they were to enter the king’s service.
[Skip 6-7 and go to verse 8]
1:8 But Daniel made up his mind that he would not defile himself with the royal delicacies or the royal wine.
From Daniel we learn to make up our minds to obey God! He was committed to God and determined to follow him, just as we saw was true of Eric Liddell. Both resolved to obey God whatever the cost, even in something seemingly unimportant.
Too often instead of making up our minds to obey God no matter what, as these men did, we choose to compromise when faced with situations where obedience is hard, especially when it seems meaningless from the earthly standpoint.
Now, you may be asking, why should I obey God anyway? Sometimes in our culture God’s ideas can seem a bit outdated! What’s the big deal whether I obey when it’s something small, something that doesn’t seem significant?
The first reason that we make up our minds to obey God is because it is God’s best for us, whether we can see it or not.
Because it’s God’s best for you
Look at Jesus’ words in Mt. 7:24-27. Just keep your Bibles open to Daniel and we’ll put all the other verses up on the screen.
“Everyone who hears these words of mine and does them is like a wise man who built his house on rock. The rain fell, the flood came, and the winds beat against that house, but it did not collapse because it had been founded on rock. Everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain fell, the flood came, and the winds beat against that house, and it collapsed; it was utterly destroyed!”
I picture Galveston! A great image of how our lives will self-destruct when we fail to obey.
God’s words aren’t given to hurt us; they are for our good. As the designer, God knows how his design works best! We cannot see the future; we cannot know where our choices lead us, but God does, and he uses his word to guide us.
We make up our minds to obey because it’s God’s best for us and also because we love the One who so loves us.
You love the One who so loves you
If we love Jesus, we desire to please him. Love and obedience are inseparable. It is impossible to love him without obeying him. Jesus said it flatly in John 14:15:
“If you love me, you will obey my commandments.”
As a child, my strongest motivation to be a good girl was to please my parents. If you have no inner motivation to please Jesus, you need to work on your love relationship with him. You need to focus on his wonder and his greatness and his love for you. When we know that he loved us enough to come to earth and die for us, we love him back. 1 John 4:19 says, “We love because he first loved us.”
Even what seems insignificant to us matters to God. He calls us to make up our minds to obey him, even in the small things, those things that appear to be no big deal. Our obedience in the small things reveals how much we truly love him.
When we realize how great his love for us is, we respond in love for him, and we make up our minds to obey, knowing it’s God’s best for us. We also obey because it opens channels of blessing.
It opens channels of blessing.
Think about the blessings to these four boys in our story who obeyed without compromise. When their three years of training were over, they were found to be ten times better than the king’s own magicians and astrologers according to Dan. 1:20! God blessed the four young men with wisdom; consequently, they became a blessing to the king by serving in his court. The rest of the book of Daniel proves how invaluable they were to him.
When we obey, we are blessed and we bless others. We show them glimpses of godliness, and they see an unusual commitment in us, just as they did with Eric Liddell. They see that we are sold out to something bigger than ourselves.
So we make up our minds to obey God because it’s best for us, because we love him, and because it opens channels of blessing to us and those around us.
There is another thing for us to consider as we think through what it means to obey God in light of Daniel’s situation here in Dan. 1. Obeying God includes submitting to earthly authorities according to his commands.
Submitting to earthly authorities as God commands
We won’t read the list of all those to whom God calls us to submit, but when human authority is set up, we are to obey it. An entire section of 1 Peter deals with such authorities, but we’ll simply read the command in 1 Peter 2:13-15:
Be subject to every human institution for the Lord’s sake, whether to a king as supreme or to governors as those he commissions to punish wrongdoers and praise those who do good. For God wants you to silence the ignorance of foolish people by doing good.
We are to obey human institutions for God’s sake by doing what is good or other translations say doing what is right. And generally, it is good and right to obey the laws and rules set up for us.
But what if they ask us to do something that isn’t good? What if we face a situation such as Daniel did where obedience means that we cannot obey God?
We obey unless it conflicts with doing what is right
If we can’t obey God and man, we obey God, who is the higher authority. We don’t submit to sin. We submit when it involves doing what is right.
In Acts 5 Peter and the disciples faced imprisonment from the Jewish authorities for proclaiming Jesus, but they said, “We must obey God rather than people.”
We read two stories about Daniel this week: one from his teenage years and another that occurred decades later. In both cases he knew that he could not obey the authorities. In the first story, he was able to get the order changed; however, in the second story, the king’s order was an unbreakable edict. Daniel had to disobey. You remember that the edict declared it illegal to petition anyone other than the king, even a god.
Turn to that story in Dan. 6, and look at his response to the edict in v. 10.
When Daniel realized that a written decree had been issued, he entered his home, where the windows in his upper room opened toward Jerusalem. Three times daily he was kneeling and offering prayers and thanks to his God just as he had been accustomed to do previously.
Why was Daniel openly praying when it was illegal? I am sure years before, he had made up his mind to pray three times a day facing Jerusalem. Why? To answer that, we need to go back hundreds of years to the time that Solomon dedicated the temple in Jerusalem. At that time Solomon anticipated the situation that Daniel faced and prayed about it.
We see the relevant part of the prayer in 1 Ki. 8:46-51:
The time will come when your people will sin against you (for there is no one who is sinless!) and you will be angry with them and deliver them over to their enemies, who will take them as prisoners to their own land, whether far away or close by.
[Daniel’s situation exactly]
When your people come to their senses in the land where they are held prisoner, they will repent and beg for your mercy in the land of their imprisonment, admitting, ‘We have sinned and gone astray; we have done evil.’ When they return to you with all their heart and being in the land where they are held prisoner, and direct their prayers to you toward the land you gave to their ancestors, your chosen city, and the temple I built for your honor, then listen from your heavenly dwelling place to their prayers for help and vindicate them. Forgive all the rebellious acts of your sinful people and cause their captors to have mercy on them. After all, they are your people and your special possession whom you brought out of Egypt, from the middle of the iron-smelting furnace.”
Daniel was praying according to scripture, toward Jerusalem and the temple. He was being obedient to what God expected of his people when they were taken into exile. While we might have decided it was unimportant, Daniel obeyed.
So we obey earthly powers when we can do so and still obey God by doing what is right. When we can’t do both, we must obey God. However, Daniel shows us by example that when possible, we may appeal.
Appeal if necessary and possible
In one situation it was possible for Daniel to appeal but in the other, he could not.
Let’s go back to Dan. 1 and read about his appeal, beginning in v. 8.
But Daniel made up his mind that he would not defile himself with the royal delicacies or the royal wine. He therefore asked the overseer of the court officials for permission not to defile himself. Then God made the overseer of the court officials sympathetic to Daniel. But he responded to Daniel, “I fear my master the king. He is the one who has decided your food and drink. What would happen if he saw that you looked malnourished in comparison to the other young men your age? If that happened, you would endanger my life with the king!” Daniel then spoke to the warden whom the overseer of the court officials had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah: “Please test your servants for ten days by providing us with some vegetables to eat and water to drink. Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who are eating the royal delicacies; deal with us in light of what you see.” So the warden agreed to their proposal and tested them for ten days.
At the end of the ten days their appearance was better and their bodies were healthier than all the young men who had been eating the royal delicacies. So the warden removed the delicacies and the wine from their diet and gave them a diet of vegetables instead. Now as for these four young men, God endowed them with knowledge and skill in all sorts of literature and wisdom – and Daniel had insight into all kinds of visions and dreams.
What was involved in Daniel’s appeal? First, there was an underlying acknowledgement that authority comes from God.
Acknowledge that all authority comes from God
Daniel clearly accepted the authority of those over him. He went to those in charge and asked permission not to eat the meat and drink the wine.
We saw in 1 Peter that God sets up authority because of the fallen nature of our world. God uses government to punish those who do wrong and reward those who do right. Because of sin, we cannot get along without established order.
Second, we should pray for favor with those who hear the appeal.
Although the scriptures do not tell us that Daniel and his friends prayed when faced with the food dilemma, we see Daniel pray at every opportunity throughout his lifetime. I am sure that he prayed in this situation as well. We must pray and ask God to give us favor before those to whom we give our appeal. The Scripture says that God made Daniel’s supervisor sympathetic to him. God moves hearts.
As we appeal, we acknowledge the authority and pray, but we also position ourselves with humility and entreat them with respect.
Throughout this story, Daniel showed deference and respect to those who supervised him and his friends.
When that failed to work, Daniel tried one more idea, which may work for you in certain situations. The next principle of appeal is to ask for a trial period if possible.
When I went on my first mission trip to Kazakhstan, I met with about eight women at their small church. They were facing some tough issues that we don’t face so often in our American culture. One woman’s Muslim husband had forbidden her to attend church. So she regularly lied to him, saying that she was shopping, when in reality, she was at church. Clearly, God says that we are not to forsake the gathering of believers. It is like food to us. We cannot exist long in a healthy state without the community of Christ. But we aren’t to lie, and we are also to submit to our husbands. I remember sitting there desperately praying for wisdom. And then I thought of this story in Daniel and the appeal that he made. I suggested that she ask for a test, respectfully asking him for permission to go to church for a month to see if she was a better wife when she attended church. He could test the results of church attendance! Of course, such tests are risky if you don’t plan to be a better wife! I wish I could tell you how it turned out, but I don’t know. But I do know it was the right way to handle it.
The final principle for appealing is to leave the consequences to God.
God alone controls the outcome of the appeal or the refusal to obey if there can be no appeal. We are in his hands. Sometimes we go into the lions’ den and sometimes we are spared from it. Sometimes we come out unscathed but other times we have scars to show from our ordeal. But in any case, we trust our God and believe that blessing will come from our obedience, no matter how small it seems. We believe that others will see our love for God and will be blessed by the glimpse of godliness that we show through that obedience.
Make up your mind today to obey God, whatever that means in your life. Love him enough to follow him fully and give forth glimpses of godliness to your world.
Related Topics: Curriculum, Discipleship, Spiritual Life
Take a Leap of Faith! - Week 1 Lecture
Related Media(Clip of “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”)
(Clip of “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”)
We all know this story. Indiana Jones was forced to pass through three challenges in order to reach the Holy Grail and save his father from death. These tests were designed to prevent the faithless from reaching the cup. Dr. Jones, Indy’s dad, had uncovered ancient material that described these perils, and he had recorded them in the book we saw Indy use. In order to succeed, Indiana had to decipher the riddles in the diary to make it through the maze of dangers, or die in the process.
The last trial before entering the inner room containing the grail was the leap of faith. From Indy’s perspective, he was stepping out into thin air over a deep chasm. But the prospect of losing his father motivated him to make the leap. As you saw, amazingly a ledge, which was camouflaged from anyone trying to cross, caught him! He had firm ground upon which to walk!
We, too, are called to make leaps of faith, but we don’t have to step out into thin air uncertain of what is ahead. We jump, knowing that we step into the arms of Jesus. He is the steady ledge upon which we walk. His strength is sure, and his hold upon us is certain!
Knowing you step into the arms of Jesus
If you have children, you know that they are at first reluctant to jump into deep water. But when one of their parents is in the water with arms outstretched, they know that they have nothing to fear and will gladly and even eagerly jump because they totally trust them! I have never been much of a swimmer, but I always liked being in the water! When I was about seven, I went on a trip with an aunt and uncle, and we went swimming at our resort. Not being a strong swimmer, I wanted to stay in the shallow water, but my uncle forced me into water over my head. He tried to make me lie on my back and float, but I simply didn’t trust him to get me if I started to go under, so I refused to cooperate with him. (I still remember how angry he was!) To take a leap of faith means that you must trust the one who will catch you! Faith has an object; it is in something or someone who will protect you when you leap!
This week we looked at the faith of the apostle Peter. We saw him step out in faith because he believed that Jesus had the power to catch him.
Look at Mt. 16:13-17:
When Jesus came to the area of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?” They answered, “Some say John the Baptist, others Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.” He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter answered, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” And Jesus answered him, “You are blessed, Simon son of Jonah, because flesh and blood did not reveal this to you, but my Father in heaven!
Peter stated his faith in Jesus’ identity as the Messiah or Christ, the Son of the living God. Peter’s confession meant that he knew Jesus had the power to hold him; he would not fall.
We, too, take a leap of faith knowing the one into whose arms we step; we know that he is the Messiah, or Christ, and that he is the God-man.
The word Christ is the Greek word for the Old Testament Hebrew word Messiah; both literally mean “anointed one”. In that day the king was anointed with oil to represent him as God’s chosen one. By the time of the New Testament, the Jews were looking for God’s anointed one, a king who would lead them out of subjection to the Romans and restore the monarchy to Israel.
The Bible is God’s revelation to mankind because we cannot know God unless he shows himself to us. Remember what we discussed last week? Our view of God has been obscured. But God wants people to know him so he revealed himself in a personal way to many; he also had men write down what they saw him do and what they heard him say so that later generations of people could also know him.
Some of those writers were the Old Testament prophets who were sent by God to speak for him to his people. Over time they helped the Jews know more about the messiah. Let’s look at a couple of their predictions in order to better understand what Peter was saying when he called Jesus the Christ or Messiah.
Isaiah the prophet lived hundreds of years before Jesus was born; yet, he wrote some very specific prophecies about the Messiah in Is. 9:6-7:
For a child has been born to us,
a son has been given to us.
He shoulders responsibility
and is called:
Extraordinary Strategist,
Mighty God,
Everlasting Father,
Prince of Peace.
His dominion will be vast
and he will bring immeasurable prosperity.
He will rule on David’s throne
and over David’s kingdom,
establishing it and strengthening it
by promoting justice and fairness,
from this time forward and forevermore.
The Lord’s intense devotion to his people will accomplish this.
The Jewish people were expecting a king to come and deliver them from foreign oppression and rule. This passage shows us why they believed this; it says that he will have a vast dominion, or your translation may say kingdom. The anointed one would rule David’s kingdom. David, of course, was the Old Testament king of Israel. Because of his faithfulness and love for God, God promised him that his descendants would rule forever. Jesus was his great, great, great, and so on grandson who will someday fulfill this prophecy when he returns again to rule over all.
Look also at Is. 11:1-5:
11:1 A shoot will grow out of Jesse’s root stock,
[Jesse was King David’s dad]
a bud will sprout from his roots.
11:2 The Lord’s spirit will rest on him –
a spirit that gives extraordinary wisdom,
a spirit that provides the ability to execute plans,
a spirit that produces absolute loyalty to the Lord.
11:3 He will take delight in obeying the Lord.
He will not judge by mere appearances,
or make decisions on the basis of hearsay.
11:4 He will treat the poor fairly,
and make right decisions for the downtrodden of the earth.
He will strike the earth with the rod of his mouth,
and order the wicked to be executed.
11:5 Justice will be like a belt around his waist,
integrity will be like a belt around his hips.
Again Isaiah says that David’s descendant would rule with justice and power.
When Peter declared that Jesus was the Messiah or Christ, he expressed his faith that Jesus would fulfill the promises that God had spoken to his people hundreds of years before. Although Peter probably understood the messianic predictions to mean physical rule only, he had faith that Jesus was the one.
Peter not only called Jesus the Messiah, he also said that Jesus was the Son of the living God. Although he likely didn’t yet grasp the full significance of that statement either, he spoke truth because God revealed it to him. This truth was proven by Jesus’ resurrection from the dead. Jesus is God himself, the God-man, who came to earth as a man to die in our place and rescue us from the effects of sin both now and forever in heaven. Jesus came to re-align our lives with his, to remake us into his image, as we saw last week.
When Peter made this statement about Jesus, he made a leap of faith. His co-workers and friends, the other eleven disciples certainly weren’t saying anything. They may have believed it, also, but Peter alone stated his faith.
We, like Peter, leap based on the knowledge that Jesus is the Messiah or Christ and that he is the unique God-man. We also make it because—
Jesus’ proven record gives us the confidence that he will catch us
When Jesus called Peter and the other fishermen to follow him, they had already seen him turn water into wine and heal the sick. They had heard John the Baptist testify of his identity as messiah. They had watched him cause a huge catch of fish when they had not been biting. The evidence was overwhelming that Jesus had the power to catch them.
Today, there is even more evidence of Jesus’ power and identity from later events recorded in the New Testament, which was written by those who watched and heard Jesus. Although he doesn’t walk bodily among us today, we have the advantage of hearing through the scriptures from those who knew him best.
To follow Jesus there is an initial leap of faith that we must make. It is made unaided; our parents and friends cannot make it for us. We don’t inherit our faith; we must believe for ourselves. In fact, we may have to stand alone to follow Jesus, just as Peter alone made his confession. But if we truly believe that he is who he claimed to be—Messiah, God himself, then, we eagerly leap into his arms, knowing that he will catch us and keep us safe. Just as Indiana Jones left the safety of the rocks to step out over the chasm, we must leave our security, what we have known before, to take a leap of faith.
Some of you may have never heard that Jesus is God who came to earth as a man and died for you. You may not have ever realized that he desires a personal relationship with you. He calls you to follow him, just as he did Peter, to walk daily with him and know him personally. Peter left his livelihood to follow Jesus. It was risky. In the same way, Jesus calls each of us to jump and take his hand; he calls us to leave behind our old lives and follow him in a new relationship; and he promises to lead us on day by day. As you observe him and begin to recognize him as God, you will begin to trust him more and more. If you have questions or want to talk to someone about what it means to follow Jesus, I know that your small group leader or your friend who invited you here would love to visit with you about who Jesus is and how to take a leap of faith into his arms.
But faith is not a one-time thing. Faith is the lifestyle of one who follows Jesus. Faith is about trusting him to see us through the ups and downs of life today. Faith grows in time and with experience. We saw that this week as we studied Peter and his faith. Once Peter saw Jesus rise from the dead, he could stand before thousands on the day of Pentecost and declare Jesus to be the Messiah. This was the same man who had denied him three times a few weeks earlier.
Every January for a number of years, I have asked God to show me what quality he wants to work on in my life that year. I ask him for a verse based on that quality so that I can pray and believe it for my life. But for years now, I have been stuck on this quality of faith. I am apparently a remedial student!
But the truth is that none of us ever gets to the point of complete faith. It is something that God continues to build in us for the rest of our lives. But hopefully, we do grow to trust God more year by year as we continue seeing His greatness. It’s not so much how much faith we have; it’s how big we realize our God is. We only need faith the size of a grain of mustard seed to believe that he has the power to hold us. Then, even when it’s hard and the struggle is great, we can trust because of his greatness, not because we have great faith!
Let’s think a minute about what faith looks like. If we truly trust in the greatness and goodness of God, we will entrust our children to him instead of trying to control them. We will entrust our husbands to him rather than trying to change them—that’s a big one! We will believe God has our good in mind when the future isn’t turning out as expected, when we don’t have the husbands, children, or success we wanted. Faith means that we will believe that his will is best rather than trying to manipulate our own will to come to pass. We will look for his purposes in the job situation where he has us rather than automatically leave when it is difficult. We will seek his will rather than follow the easy path. We will know that he is able to turn around the hearts of those around us when we reflect glimpses of godliness before them. We will trust him for our futures when we face illness and for comfort when we face grief. We will remain faithful to him even when life is hard and we don’t understand. We will trust him to provide when a hurricane destroys all that we own.
If you want your faith to grow so that you trust Jesus like that, I would suggest keeping a written record of the times he is faithful; write down the situations when he catches you. Go back and review what you have written frequently. Then, when you are faced with a leap of faith, you will trust him enough to jump!
As Peter watched Jesus and began to realize who he was and what great power he had, he was willing to take a leap of faith. We see the story in Matt. 14:22-33. Matthew is the only gospel writer who tells what Peter did.
Let’s look again at Matt. 14:22-33:
Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go ahead of him to the other side, while he dispersed the crowds. And after he sent the crowds away, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone. Meanwhile the boat, already far from land, was taking a beating from the waves because the wind was against it. As the night was ending, Jesus came to them walking on the sea. When the disciples saw him walking on the water they were terrified and said, “It’s a ghost!” and cried out with fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them: “Have courage! It is I. Do not be afraid.” Peter said to him, “Lord, if it is you, order me to come to you on the water.” So he said, “Come.” Peter got out of the boat, walked on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind he became afraid. And starting to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” When they went up into the boat, the wind ceased. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
Peter alone of all the disciples had the faith to ask Jesus to call him out on the water. Peter alone experienced the feeling of being able to walk on the water’s surface. Just imagine! Think about doing that! He made a leap of faith and was blessed for it!
But then Peter’s faith disappeared, just as mine often does! He began to look around at the strong wind and began to think about the danger that he was in and lost it! When his faith left him, he began to sink. Don’t you just love Peter? He’s so like us—walking on water one minute and drowning the next!
The faith of a mustard seed moves mountains. If we never seem to move mountains, we can be sure that our faith is even smaller than that! We may be like the other eleven disciples who just sat there watching Peter get out of the boat instead of stepping out in faith themselves. If we don’t leap, we’ll never see the mountains move.
What are you facing that requires a mountain to move? Have you asked God for his will in the situation so you know when and if to leap? That is what Peter did; he didn’t jump until he heard Jesus call him to come.
Take a leap of faith, knowing you step into the arms of Jesus and—
hearing Jesus call you to come.
It’s not a matter of our being able to leap out in any situation. We step out only at his command. But when Jesus calls us to come, we can leap with confidence because he will catch us! Once we know God’s will, we step out in confidence, even when our faith is small, because we know that God has the power to accomplish his will.
And let me say this: sometimes we leap and stay right where we are. Sometimes we don’t change anything about our lives or circumstances, but we leap to the safety of Jesus’ arms in the midst of a tough situation. We leap, telling him that we trust him to move right there.
Leaping is scary, and our tendency is to stay where it’s safe. But Peter alone experienced walking on water because he alone had the faith to do it. Although he got scared and starting going under, Peter did walk on the water!
Five and a half years ago I came to Northwest. At the time I was the Director of the Women’s Ministry at the church where I had been a member for years. It was safe there; I knew the women and the other people; they knew me. I knew how things worked and what was expected of me. I knew what women I could count on and who had gifts for certain responsibilities. It would have been easy to stay. But God called me to leap. In fact the picture that kept coming to my mind as I prayed about whether to come here was a cliff. I really saw myself stepping right off of that cliff. And I hate heights! So this wasn’t a picture that would have attracted me here! But I knew deep inside that Jesus was there to catch me. I wasn’t leaping into nothing, but I was stepping into his arms. It wasn’t the easy choice, but you can’t make any other decision when Jesus is calling you to come.
What about you? What has God put in your heart to do? What leap does it require? What sacrifice will it take?
Close your eyes, ladies. If you have never taken that initial leap of faith to Jesus, see yourself at the edge of a chasm, stepping out in faith to follow him, leaving behind your old life, the life you know, the life that doesn’t work! Or if you have been following Jesus, see yourself leaving behind the security and safety of what is easy and leaping to Jesus because you hear him call. His arms are there outstretched to catch you!
Related Topics: Character Study, Curriculum, Faith, Spiritual Life
4. The Happy Ending
Related MediaOnce again, the lovingkindness of the Lord is demonstrated in this narrative. Boaz fully agreed with Ruth’s intentions and quickly began the legal proceedings necessary. In this final chapter, we see the culmination of Ruth and Naomi’s story – two women who were alone and hopeless now have a future! Boaz eagerly arranges to marry Ruth, giving her a home and family. But Naomi is not forgotten! The story ends not at a wedding altar, but with a grandmother contently rocking her grandson.
Once again, the lovingkindness of the Lord is demonstrated in this narrative. Boaz fully agreed with Ruth’s intentions and quickly began the legal proceedings necessary. In this final chapter, we see the culmination of Ruth and Naomi’s story – two women who were alone and hopeless now have a future! Boaz eagerly arranges to marry Ruth, giving her a home and family. But Naomi is not forgotten! The story ends not at a wedding altar, but with a grandmother contently rocking her grandson. Because of Ruth’s unwavering commitment to Naomi, her courage, faith, and the goodness of God, Ruth builds up the house of Israel. Her story illustrates how we can build our spiritual legacies, as well.
This is the fourth part of an audio-only series on the book of Ruth.
3. The Rescue Operation
Related MediaBy this time, Naomi is ready to secure Ruth’s future in Bethlehem by finding her a husband. Due to the Old Testament levirate law, there was a provision for someone in Ruth’s circumstances. Naomi comes up with a plan and instructs Ruth on how to carry it out. The story takes another twist when Ruth surprisingly improvises on Naomi’s approach. Her desire was not only to have a husband, but to also save the family lineage of her beloved Naomi.
This is the third part of an audio-only series on the book of Ruth.
By this time, Naomi is ready to secure Ruth’s future in Bethlehem by finding her a husband. Due to the Old Testament levirate law, there was a provision for someone in Ruth’s circumstances. Naomi comes up with a plan and instructs Ruth on how to carry it out. The story takes another twist when Ruth surprisingly improvises on Naomi’s approach. Her desire was not only to have a husband, but to also save the family lineage of her beloved Naomi.
This is the third part of an audio-only series on the book of Ruth.
2. God's Providential Care
Related MediaRuth and Naomi’s lives take an unexpected turn in this chapter, as they arrive in Bethlehem. Their timing was perfect, although they were unaware of it. Barley harvest was beginning, but so was a new chapter in their lives. Ruth, seeking grain, found herself looking to glean in the barley field of Boaz. A godly and honorable man, Boaz welcomed Ruth graciously. In this chapter, we see the loving hand of God gently guiding the circumstances in the lives of this young woman, a disappointed and bitter old woman, and a good and godly man.Ruth and Naomi’s lives take an unexpected turn in this chapter, as they arrive in Bethlehem. Their timing was perfect, although they were unaware of it. Barley harvest was beginning, but so was a new chapter in their lives. Ruth, seeking grain, found herself looking to glean in the barley field of Boaz. A godly and honorable man, Boaz welcomed Ruth graciously. In this chapter, we see the loving hand of God gently guiding the circumstances in the lives of this young woman, a disappointed and bitter old woman, and a good and godly man.
This is the second part of an audio-only series on the book of Ruth.
1. Laying the Foundation
Related MediaRuth is the bridge from the wickedness of the times of the Judges to the glorious reign of King David. In her story, we see the best of human nature and God’s intervention in human history. There are many layers of interpretation in this book, but we will concentrate on Ruth’s obedience in fulfilling her responsibilities that caused her to become part of a most blessed lineage. In this lesson we meet Ruth and Naomi and see how desolate and desperate their lives are.
Ruth is the bridge from the wickedness of the times of the Judges to the glorious reign of King David. In her story, we see the best of human nature and God’s intervention in human history. There are many layers of interpretation in this book, but we will concentrate on Ruth’s obedience in fulfilling her responsibilities that caused her to become part of a most blessed lineage. In this lesson we meet Ruth and Naomi and see how desolate and desperate their lives are. But, unbeknownst to her, Ruth’s vow on the dusty road between Moab and Bethlehem changes everything!
This is the first part of an audio-only series on the book of Ruth.
6. Setting Boundaries, Part 2
Article contributed by Probe Ministries
Visit Probe's website
Affirm and Validate
Be on the other person's side.
It's grace before truth. Grace means "favor." Establish your favor, care, and belief in the person before "facing the issue."
1. In ongoing problem solving where there is no big issue, you need not utter some big proclamation of your love and commitment. You are merely correcting a problem.
"Sara, I love going to the movies with you. I really enjoy our time together. One thing that would make it better for me would be if we could leave on time. When we are late, I feel rushed, and I want to enjoy the time we have together."
"Joey, I like how you have been trying to do your chores. Would you look a little harder at the way you leave the den before you go outside to play? I end up picking up some things for you, I don't want to do that. Thanks."
Validate other people with language that lets them know you are with them and not against them.
2. In situations other than the moment-by-moment corrections, where you want to sit down and talk through a problem, a little more proclamation is needed.
"Sara, you know that I am your friend and that I am with you 100%. You know how much I value our relationship. Because of that, I need to share something with you that would make things better for me. You are late a lot. The time we have together means a lot to me, and your lateness robs me of what I really desire-to have good time with you. So I wanted to talk about it."
"Jay, I like how much you care about the work we are doing. It is really contagious, and it helps me. But I want to make sure we look at an issue that is getting in the way of our working together effectively."
"Joe, you know how much I love you and how you are the most important person on the earth to me. I am your biggest cheerleader. But something you do sometimes makes my heart sort of go away, and I want to talk with you about it."
"Sam, I want you to know that the reason I'm bringing this up is because I love you and am committed to our relationship. I love and value so many things about you. In fact, that is why I have to talk about this. I miss seeing those things because your drinking is getting serious, and we have to do something."
With significant confrontations, it is really important to firmly declare your favor, or grace, for the people you are confronting. It reestablishes that you are for rather than against them, and it establishes the connection that serves as the bridge for the truth to pass over to their heart and mind.
Do you see how this helps us carry out the second greatest commandment, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself"?
Apologize for Your Part in the Problem
One of the most powerful things ever said on confronting someone's problems came from Jesus. This message should be in every psychiatry and psychology book ever written about relationships: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matt. 7:3-5)
This passage speaks to another important dynamic in confrontation:
- being humble
- looking at what we have done wrong in the relationship
- owning it first before we talk to the other person about what he/she did wrong.
The principle is this: When confronting, don't confront someone if you owe her an apology first.
If she is aware of how you have hurt and failed her, she may have thoughts like, "Well, how can you judge? You do such and so. . ." It is easier for her to be defensive, and she may actually have some evidence to back that up.
But if you begin with owning and apologizing for ways you have failed her, or for poor ways you have dealt with this failure, your humility paves the way. Here is what it does:
- It lets her know you care.
- It lets her know you are not there to lord it over her or be judgmental.
- It lets her know you are not there to "win."
- It models for her what humility looks like and takes away the shame she might feel.
If you have so much to apologize for that you cannot do it in the same conversation as the confrontation, delay the confrontation and just have an apology session first. Bring up your issue at a later time.
It is very common for an apology to open the door for the other person to see what she has done.
"Mary, I want to talk to you about the argument we had the other day. I did not like how it went, and I thought I needed to begin by telling you that I'm sorry. As I thought about it after I cooled off, I could see I was way out of line in the way I responded. It was wrong, and I'm sorry for how I behaved, and also for how that must have felt to you. Will you forgive me?"
"Joe, I want to talk about what's been going on between us. I want us to look at the ways we have been interacting and at some things that have happened, but I want to begin by telling you that I've reacted to you in very hurtful and inappropriate ways. I've been angry and judgmental much more than I've been helpful. I've nagged, been bitter, and even punished you for some things. I was wrong. I'm sorry for how that must have felt to you. Will you please forgive me?"
"Sam, as you know, I've been upset by some things you've done, and I want to talk about them. But I want you to know something first. I'm just as wrong as I've said you are. I've not held up my side of our relationship in some ways. I've come down on you way too hard and not really been your friend or ally in trying to resolve things. I lose it, and I'm not very helpful. I want to be more helpful and loving, and let you know that I'm on your side. But I can see how you could not feel that way at times because of how I have acted, and I want to apologize for my behavior and my failure to be what you need."
There is no hard and fast rule on how to do this. You can apologize and then go right into your issue. You can tell the other person you want to talk about the issue right up front, and then say, "But first I have to apologize for some things."
You don't have to begin every boundary conversation with an apology; if one is not needed, don't apologize.
Women tend to be apologetic because we learn early that it soothes ruffled feathers. . . but we can go too far and apologize for things we didn't do.
But if you are aware of ways that you have failed the person, deal with that first. It will do a lot of good, and it may give the confrontation an entirely different tone.
About apologizing: If we owe someone an apology, that's the next thing to do.
Matt. 5:23 "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
Avoid "Shoulds"
"You should have thought about this beforehand, because then this never would have happened."
"You should plan better."
"You should write it all down. Then we wouldn't be in messes like this."
When you hear these statements, how do you feel? Guilty? Ashamed? Angry? Or do you think, "Wow! What helpful input. I wish that person could follow me around and evaluate everything I do"?
The word should feels very parental and judgmental to people.
If you're talking about the past, saying "You should have" doesn't give the other person many options other than to see how he blew it. He will often feel, "Okay, fine! Now I feel awful. What do you want me to do about it? It's done! I should have done better, but I didn't. So you are right; I am pond scum." That might be extreme, but you get the idea. It reinforces his feelings of failure and shame.
It's much more helpful to put it in question form, "If you had to do it over again, what would you do different?" That's a better way of asking, "What should you have done?" If the other person is stuck, you can say, "May I offer some feedback?" "May I make a suggestion?"
When someone says "You should," people feel their choices going away. Instead, you want the other person to freely choose to do what you are suggesting, to feel good about it, not forced into it.
That's what God does: He brings us to the point where we freely choose to do what is right because the alternative is such a bad idea.
Joshua preserved the freedom of the people of Israel when he said, "If serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the river, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living" (24:15)
Joshua told them to serve God and be faithful to Him, but he also said that if it were disagreeable to them to serve the Lord, then they were free to choose whom they would serve. He preserved their choice. He was clear about what he thought was the right choice: "As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." But he did not try to force them to choose what he had chosen.
In good relationships, where it does not get in the way, using should is fine. "You should do it this way, and it would work better" can sound like, "Here, let me help you get out of that bind. Turn the handle to the right, and you can get out of that basement you're locked in."
But it can also sound like, "You idiot! If you were turning the handle the right way, you wouldn't be stuck down there in the dark." To the pure, all things are pure. (Tit 1:15)
How to say it better:
Not so good: "You should have called me and told me you were going to be late. Now you have ruined the whole night for me. I could have used the time to do something constructive instead of waiting for you."
Better: "It would have really helped me if you had called when you knew you were going to be late. Please do that next time so I can make use of the time."
Not so good: "You should get up early, read the paper about new jobs, and get ahead of the game. You should also be making more calls. You are sitting around so much that you are never going to get a job. You should have been out there looking all this time, and you have just wasted your time."
Better: "Things would go better if you made some changes. You would have more success, I think, by getting an early start and using the days to find the work you agreed to seek. It seems as if you are letting really valuable time slip by."
Not so good: "You shouldn't hang around with those kids. You should be finding better friends, and you should not be out anyway. You should be here doing your homework."
Better: "I don't think that that group of friends is good for you. Some of the things they are into are things I don't want you doing, and it is tough to avoid falling into things when you are around kids who are doing them. Let's talk about what is going on, why you are there, and what you think about it all. Also, I want you to do your homework first before going out, no matter who you are with. So finish that, and then let's talk."
Not so good: "You shouldn't be drinking so much. You should focus more on me and the family. You like your beer better than us."
Better: "I am concerned about your drinking. It is becoming a problem, and we miss you. When you drink, the kids and I lose you, and we don't want that."
Watch your use of should to make sure that it is being heard correctly, as helpful. If it is used or heard as punitive, condemning, or controlling, you might want to find another word.
Be Specific
Remember Ray's professor who wouldn't tell him what she wanted in his dissertation?
We need to tell people exactly what we want them to do and what we want them to change.
Instead of "I want you to connect more with me,"
- "Honey, I want to go for a walk with you, and I want you to tell me what is going on at work and how you are feeling about it."
- "Marty, I want us to sit down and talk about our dreams and where we want to go from here. When can we do that?"
- "I want to know how you are feeling lately. I want to know what you think and feel about us. I want you to tell me what it is that makes you feel good about us and what makes you feel not so good."
How to Be Specific
Global: "You are so irresponsible. I need for you to be more responsible around here."
Specific: "I feel as if there are a lot of times when you leave things undone. I want to talk about your paying the Visa bill on time and taking care of the car insurance payment like you promised. Let's talk about how to resolve this."
Global: "I want to feel more loved."
Specific: "I wish you would tell me you love me at times other than when we have sex."
Global: "You're so mean to me. I am tired of your verbal abuse."
Specific: "When you get angry at me and yell like you did last night, it hurts. I want to know that you can see how hurtful that is."
Global: "You treat me like an idiot. You act like I am so stupid."
Specific: "When you don't talk to me about our finances, like the refinance application the other day, I feel as if you think I'm too dumb to understand. And when I don't understand something and ask you a question, like about the insurance claim, you didn't answer me. You grabbed it out of my hand and said I was dense. I want you to talk to me about specifics, and if I don't understand something, answer my questions without putting me down. Please treat me like a partner, even when I don't know everything you do."
Global: "You always do this. You promise me you are going to do something, and then you forget about it and leave me hanging. This happens every time I try to depend on you."
Specific: "I need to know that if you tell me you're going to do something, it will get done. Yesterday you promised me you would get my prescription filled, and you didn't. Now I am without my antibiotic, and I'm afraid I'm not going to get over this infection before our vacation. It also happened the other day with the form I asked you to mail. I want to talk about what we can do to make this better. I love you, and I want to trust that you will do what you say you will do."
Related Topics: Boundaries, Christian Life, Messages, Spiritual Life, Women
5. Setting Boundaries, Part 1
Article contributed by Probe Ministries
Visit Probe's website
Boundaries Face to Face, p. 29
As a youth, I was a Boy Scout. Scouting was a big part of my life, and Troop 4 was a very active troop, with lots of camping and activities. During the latter years of my scouting experience, I was in my teens and getting close to earning my Eagle rank. As a teen, however, I was also experimenting with becoming an individual, which involved some rebellious attitudes. During one weekend campout, when we were putting up our tents, I used some pretty rough language to make my buddies laugh. It was the wrong time to do this, as our scoutmaster, Mr. DeKeyser—whom we called "DK"—was walking by.
DK pulled me aside, looked at me, and quietly said, "You're too close. Don't mess up."
That was all it took.
DK's six words were enough. I knew what he meant. He knew I knew. No more was needed. He never brought it up again. From then on, I curbed my tongue-as much as a teenager can anyway-and stayed pretty much on track until I got the Eagle.
Be emotionally present
Being emotionally present and connected while we are confronting another person is the first essential of a good conversation. It truly requires a work of grace in us.
A boundary conversation is very difficult because it feels unnatural—and it IS unnatural, in that the natural person within us does not think this way.
Ways to help you "be there" in your boundary conversation:
1. Be warm
Remember that although confrontations can be uncomfortable, this does not mean you need to be angry, detached, or distant from the other person. As much as you are able, be warm and available to them. If you are warm, the other person is much more likely to receive what you have to say.
2. Be in a conversation, not a lecture
Let the other person respond. Listen to her heart even if you don't agree with her position.
3. Discomfort versus injury
Be willing to suffer discomfort—to a point. The point is the line where you pass from discomfort to the place where you're actually getting hurt. Not let the person in too deeply, or end the conversation until a better time to protect yourself. But if the talk is more about being uncomfortable than being injured, keep on pressing through to reconciliation.
Be Clear About "You" and "I"
Boundary setting takes into account that two people are involved. There can be problems when you don't clearly distinguish your feelings and opinions from the other person's. The process of problem solving and reconciliation can quickly get bogged down. You see this when people say things like "You need to change this" rather than "I need for you to change this." There is an "I" who has a desire and a request, and there is a "you" who is being asked to change something.
If you are not clear about "you" and "I" in your confrontation, the other person:
- may feel controlled by you
- you may assume feelings they don't have
- they may balk at whatever you want
Some suggestions to clarify your communication:
1. Look at it emphatically.
Do you like it when people try to put words in your mouth? Do you connect with another person when she tells you what you are feeling when it is really what she WANTS you to feel? No, you disconnect. Remember that though boundary-setting is hard, so is receiving a boundary-setting. So allow the other person the grace to have their own responses to your opinions.
2. Be clear in your own mind.
The more clear you are ahead of time about what you want in this relationship and what you are asking the other person to do, the better things will go. Write out, or talk through with a friend, exactly what the "I" and "you" parts are. Many conversations have broken down when the other person says, "So what do you really want?" and the confronter gets flustered.
Dr Phil: "What I want from you that I'm not getting is_____"
3. Speak from YOUR need, not the other person's
Tell the other person, "I really need more help from you around the house, or I don't think I can be as close and loving to you as I want to be." This is much better than, "You need to do more around the house." He may not experience that need, and he is likely to resent you for telling him what he needs.
When people say, "We need to talk," they are confusing their wishes with that of the other person. It's much better to say, "I need to talk to you."
Small details? Yes, but words matter. In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, John Gray says to ask, "Will you take out the trash?" rather than "Can you take out the trash?" One appeals to the person's will, the other questions his ability.
Another boundary violation: "Oh, you shouldn't feel that way." Don't tell another person how they should be feeling!
Another: "It's stupid to think that way."
4. Be humble
You have no control over the person you are confronting. More than that, you are asking for something you need from him. This is a humble position, and it helps to accept it. Saying "I want" and "I need" is a way of letting the other person know that he is important to you, that you do need him, and that you are aware he might see things differently. It's not a comfortable position, but it's the best position to take-the other person is free to choose is he is not controlled by you.
As much as possible, stay away from the "we need to" and "you need to" traps. Speak from your own experience, your own heart, your own needs. This increases the likelihood that your side will be heard, because you have clearly identified it as YOUR side. No one likes to be told who he is or what he should think.
Clarify the Problem
Don't lose focus and end up going over a whole list of offenses that overwhelms the person being confronted.
Don't start with "It seems you don't pick up after yourself as regularly as you should" and end up with "What about the time you forgot the kids at the mall last year?" DON'T GET HISTORICAL! You may have so many unconfessed issues with the other person that in the momentum of the conversation, you bring up everything else you have a problem with.
Look at 3 important elements of the problem itself and what you would like to see happen:
1. Clarify the nature of the problem
Be clear and focused on what the problem is really about.
This step may have more than one level to it. For example, a husband might say to his mother, "Mom I've noticed that you are pretty critical of Laurie's cooking and parenting. You put her down a couple of times in front of everyone at the party last week. I don't know what this is about, but it seems you are seldom pleased with how she does things." Notice the two levels: the specifics, and then an observation about the nature of the specifics. This gives the other person clear information about what you are concerned about.
2. Clarify the effects of the problem
Include not only the facts and realities about the problem, but also what it does to you and the relationship.
The husband talking to his mother might say, "Laurie gets discouraged, because she knocks herself out for you. The kids are confused about why you are so mean to their mom. I'm embarrassed because I feel caught in the middle. And you and I get disconnected, because even though I love you, Laurie is my wife and she's getting hurt. So it makes things worse for me, you, and all of us."
3. Clarify your desire for change
Avoid the mistake of stopping with the negative aspects of the problem. Doing that can make the person feel:
- as though she just got dumped on,
- with no way to resolve the problem,
- or feel that there is no way to please you
- or that you are insatiably critical.
Instead, let her know what you would like to see that would change the situation and solve the problem. This gives her hope, a structure, and a chance to do something to make the relationship better.
The husband might say, "Here's what I would like you to do. If it's a small matter, drop it. I don't bring up little things you do. If it's a big thing, pull Laurie aside quietly and tell her your concerns. She is very open to constructive feedback. And finally, notice the good things she does, and talk about them in front of everyone. I would really appreciate it. It would bring me closer to you, and I think the whole family would be happier."
Balance Grace and Truth
Jesus was the perfect combination of grace and truth. John 1:17—"For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." People need both grace and truth in relationships with God and with each other.
Think about a time when someone told you the truth without love. You probably felt attacked, judged, or condemned. No matter how accurate the truth, it hardly mattered, because the hurtful feelings erased the truth in the confrontation. In good boundary conversations, truth needs grace for the person to safely receive and digest the information.
Now reflect on a time you received grace without any truth. Grace comforts us and keeps us safe and loved, but it doesn't provide reality, structure, direction, or correction. You may have come away from that encounter feeling refreshed and encouraged, but without the path or insight to know what to do next.
Lead with Grace
It's always best to start with grace, as it sets the stage for the other person to be able to tolerate the truth. Tell the person, "Before we get into the topic, I want you to know I really care about you and about us. I want us to be better, and I want us to be on the same team. I hope I can convey that to you even when we talk about the problem."
Don't assume that the other person automatically knows these things. In fact, in a boundary conversation the other person often needs more reassurance of the grace.
When in doubt, go for grace. The damage done by a lack of grace is more severe than what's done by a lack of truth. With grace alone, you stand a chance of being able to have another conversation later. With truth alone, the judgment could possibly rupture the safety of the relationship so much that things fall apart.
Stay on Task
P. 45-46, Boundaries Face to Face
Here is a common crazy-making script on confrontations:
You: "Sharon, I'd like to talk about a problem in our relationship."
Sharon: "Well, what about all the things you do?"
You: "Like what?"
Sharon: "You never call when you're going to be late, you work too much on the weekends, you don't spend enough time with the kids, you don't help around the house. . ."
This little script illustrates a common problem in having the talk: the inability to stay on track and on task. A good confrontation has a specific and clear focus. It can be reduced to one or both of two things: You want the other person to start doing something you want or to stop doing something you don't want. If all goes well, each of you understands he other's view and feelings, and you agree on how things will change. This is how the conversation above could be kept on track.
You: "Sharon, I'd like to talk about a problem in our relationship."
Sharon: "Well, what about all the things you do?"
You: "I know I do things that irritate you, but I want to focus on my concern right now."
Sharon: "Sure, it's always about you."
You: "I'll be glad to talk later about want you want to talk about, but for now, I'd like to talk about how we can stay within our budget."
Often, what complicates things is the other person's defensiveness. In other words, the other person doesn't want to be faced with either the problem or the problem's effects on you.
Chuck Lynch, in You Can Work It Out, says that often when he starts laying out areas of personal responsibility, someone says, "I feel like you're picking on me." This is often the first time the person has been forced to face the x-ray of their relationship and it's ugly!
Very often, people who have longstanding patterns of negative behavior and attitudes have also developed character patterns that help maintain those problems. They have some internal resistance to seeing themselves as wrong, flawed, or responsible. So, in the face of all reality, feedback, and circumstances, they turn a blind eye to their immaturity or hurtfulness. The problem either
- doesn't exist or
- it's not as bad as you think or
- it's your fault.
The other person wants to deflect and divert the attention anywhere away from what she is doing. Then you find yourself sidetracked and lost.
1. Be prepared
Don't be surprised or upset. Accept this as part of that person for now until they decide to change.
2. Hear them out to a point.
It's always best to give the person a chance to be heard and understood. You cannot go wrong with that position, as you're giving grace before moving in with truth. You might say, "I didn't realize that you feel so nagged by me. I really want to look at that, and if I am doing that, I want to change it."
Note, however, that we said "to a point." When a person is open to feedback, she needs her point to be heard, and then she is ready to hear yours. When you are dealing with a character problem, it is different. After you have heard her out, she may still not be open to hearing you. She always has another excuse, or she blames you again. It is not good for either of you for this to go on indefinitely.
3. Make several attempts to get back on track
Again, giving grace, simply listen, empathize, and get back to the issue at hand. Say things like, "I really will take a look at my part there; I don't want to make the problem worse. But I'd like to get back to what I was saying about your drinking. . ."
Don't give up quickly on this. Many people try to stay on topic, but then feel it is hopeless and they shut down. The message they are sending to the other person is that a little resistance will end things. Be persistent and let him know you will keep bringing this up because it is important to you and the relationship!
4. Make the defensiveness an issue
If the person has a pattern of diverting things, bring that into the light. Don't keep getting sidetracked by excuses. Say, "I have noticed that every time I talk about our problem of how to allocate the chores, it seems you get angry or change the subject. I really do want to own my part, and I will be glad to when we deal with your part. But it's hard for me because you keep diverting things. Can you tell me what is going on when I bring up problems, or how can I give you feedback in a better way?"
Don't blame; inquire. The person may be feeling judged or put down, and simply reassuring him that you are on his side will be enough to get back on track.
With Ray: "How would you like me to point things out to you so you don't get defensive?"
Use the Formula, When You Do "A," I Feel "B"
One of the most powerful and effective ingredients of a good boundary conversation is explaining to a person how her attitudes or actions influence you: "When you do 'A,' I feel 'B'." In other words, you show how what another person does affects your emotions.
Opening your heart can often get through to another person, because it connects to the love and care he or she has for you. It helps them move away from winning an argument and into being involved in the relationship.
This ingredient is also very important because it avoids blame and assault. Telling how you feel describes an internal reality that the other person might not be aware of. This is the opposite of the "blame barrage," where someone runs through a list of the all the other's infractions. Not many people can remain open and undefensive when hit with that. They become more invested in protecting themselves from all the badness, guilt, and condemnation being thrown at them.
Keep the following in mind as you bring your feelings into the boundary conversation:
1. Concentrate on feelings, not thoughts
This is hard; it is easy to use the word feel and then say a thought. "When you negate my words, I feel like I shouldn't say anything." It would be better to say, "When you negate my words, I feel hurt and disconnected from you."
See "Why Marriages Fail" at Probe.org:
- Escalation
- Invalidation
- Negative Interpretations
- Withdrawal and Avoidance
2. Identify your feelings
This may take work. Know the difference between being
- hurt
- sad
- angry
- frustrated
- afraid
- anxious
One mistake many people make is identifying angry feelings as hurt feelings. Have friends help you know when you are hurt and when you're angry.
3. Stick to your experience
Not what you think the other person is doing. Instead of "When you negate my words, I feel like you don't care about me," say, "When you negate my words, I feel alone and unloved."
4. Avoid the statement, "You make me feel. . ."
Though it is true that the other person highly influences you emotionally, convey to her that this is about your reaction to her rather than about her power and control over you. If you avoid this kind of blaming statement, it keeps the other person from reacting to being blamed: "I made you frustrated? How can I do that? Those are your feelings. I can't control what you feel." Making an association for the other person solves a lot of problems. Instead of saying, "You frustrate me," say, "When you are constantly late, I feel frustrated and unimportant."
5. Own your part of the feelings.
You are not ascribing fault as much as opening a window into your heart so the other person has access to your world. "I know sometimes I get hurt too easily, and that's not you, that's me. But last night, when you made fun of my dress at the party, I really felt attacked and embarrassed."
6. Be specific, specific, specific
Give the other person a description of what he really said or did, or what tone of voice he used, so that he has a picture of the situation. "When you teased me about my weight at the dinner table tonight, I felt hurt."
Saying "When you do 'A,' I feel 'B'" is, at heart, not only a way of confronting, but also a way of reaching out to the other person. Allow yourself, as much as it is safe, to let him or her see this part of your heart.
Next Lesson: Setting Boundaries, Part 2
Related Topics: Boundaries, Christian Life, Messages, Spiritual Life, Women
4. Boundaries With Family
Article contributed by Probe Ministries
Visit Probe's website
Susie had a problem that I had seen countless times before. This thirty-year-old woman would return from a visit to her parents' home and suffer a deep depression.
When she described her problem to me, I asked her if she noticed that every time she went home to visit, she came back extremely depressed.
"Why that's ridiculous," she said. "I don't live there anymore. How could the trip affect me this way?"
When I asked her to describe the trip, Susie told of social gatherings with old friends and family times around the dinner table. These were fun, she said, especially when it was only family.
"What do you mean 'only family'?" I asked.
"Well, other times my parents would invite some of my friends over, and I didn't like those dinners as well."
"Why was that?"
Susie thought for a minute and then replied, "I guess I start to feel guilty." She began to recount the subtle remarks her parents would make comparing her friends' lives to hers. They would talk of how wonderful it is for grandparents to have a "hands on" role in raising the children. They would talk of the community activities her friends were doing and how wonderful she would be at those activities if she only lived there. The list went on and on.
Susie soon discovered that, when she returned home, she felt as if she were bad for living where she lived. She had a nagging sense that she really should do what her parents wanted her to do.
Susie had a common problem.
She had made choices on the OUTSIDE.
She had moved away from the family she grew up in to pursue a career on her own.
She had been paying her own bills.
She had even gotten married and had a child.
But on the INSIDE, things were different.
She did not have emotional permission to be a separate person,
make free choices about her life,
and not feel guilty when she did not do what her parents wanted.
She could still yield to pressure.
The real problem is on the inside.
Remember, boundaries define someone's property.
Susie, and others like her, do not really "own" themselves.
People who own their lives do not feel guilty when they make choices about where they are going.
They take other people into consideration, but when they make choices for the wishes of others, they are choosing out of love, not guilt; to advance a good, not to avoid being bad.
When you feel guilty for being different from what your parents or your family want you to be or do, that is a sign of boundary problems. It DOESN'T mean you're a bad daughter or sister or grandmother.
Examples: Jesus' boundary setting:
Mark 3:31-35
Then Jesus' mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, "Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you."
"Who are my mother and my brothers?" he asked.
Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does God's will is my brother and sister and mother."
Luke 2:41-51
Every year his parents went to Jerusalem for the Feast of the Passover.
When he was twelve years old, they went up to the Feast, according to the custom.
After the Feast was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it.
Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. 46After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers,
listening to them and asking them questions.
Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers.
When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, "Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you."
"Why were you searching for me?" he asked. "Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?"
But they did not understand what he was saying to them.
Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.
John 2 Wedding in Cana
On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus' mother was there,
and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding.
When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine."
"Dear woman, why do you involve me?" Jesus replied, "My time has not yet come."
His mother said to the servants, "Do whatever he tells you."
Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.
Jesus said to the servants, "Fill the jars with water"; so they filled them to the brim.
Then he told them, "Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet."
They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside
and said, "Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now."
This, the first of his miraculous signs, Jesus performed in Cana of Galilee. He thus revealed his glory, and his disciples put their faith in him.
John 19
Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene.
When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, "Dear woman, here is your son,"
and to the disciple, "Here is your mother." From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.
Signs of a Lack of Boundaries
Catching the Virus
When our family of origin has the power to affect our new family in a trickle-down effect. One sure sign of boundary problems is when your relationship with one person has the power to affect your relationships with others. You are giving one person way too much power in your life.
You can tell when a person has not left his/her father and mother by whether or not they are a different person around their parents than they are with their new family.
One young woman made steady gains in therapy until she talked to her mother, when she would withdraw for three weeks. She would say things like, "I'm not changing at all. I'm not getting any better." Fusing with many of her mother's ideas about her, she wasn't able to stay separate. This fusion with her mother affected her other relationships. She virtually shut everyone out of her life after an interaction with her mother. Her mother owned her life; she was not her own.
1 Cor 6:19-20 says, "You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." The Father bought us with the price of the Son's blood. If we have boundary problems with our family, we are acting as if we are owned by people, when we are owned by God.
Second Fiddle
"You wouldn't believe how she is with him," Dan said. "She totally focuses on his every wish. When he criticizes her, she tries harder. And she practically ignores me. I'm tired of being the 'second man' in her life."
Dan wasn't talking about Jane's lover. He was talking about her father. Dan was tired of feeling like Jane cared more about her father's wishes than his.
This is a common sign of a lack of boundaries with the family of origin: the spouse feels like he gets leftovers. The feels as if his mate's real allegiance is to her parents. This spouse hasn't completed the "leaving before cleaving" process; she has a boundary problem.
The Hebrew word for "leave" comes from a root work that means to "loosen," or to relinquish or forsake. For marriage to work, the spouse needs to loosen her ties with her family of origin and forge new ones with the new family she is creating through marriage.
One woman is struggling in her marriage because her husband's first allegiance is to his mother. Mom makes decisions for her son and his wife—major life decisions—and son happily goes along with it. This man's teenage daughter got pregnant and decided to keep the baby even though she had no ability to do so. Grandma says, "I will help raise the baby" and carries the brunt of the responsibility. She tells son and his wife, "I'll raise the baby till I'm too old, then you will." Grandma experiences some unexpected physical problems that land her in the hospital, and informs the son and his wife that they will have to care for the baby. Then she calls about every 15 minutes asking about what she ate and if she napped, micromanaging the baby's caretaking. Can you see a boundary problem?
This doesn't mean that husbands and wives shouldn't have a relationship with their extended families. But they do need to set clear boundaries with their families of origin. Many marriages fail because one partner fails to set clear boundaries with the family of origin, and the spouse and children get leftovers.
May I Have My Allowance, Please?
Mom and Dad want their married children to have all the good stuff they enjoy, so they pump money into their lives. While it allows the couple to have things they couldn't have otherwise, it cost them dearly.
Bailouts from Mom and Dad cut into a husband's self-respect. The wife feels she can't spend any money without consulting her in-laws, since they contributed the funds.
Common boundary problem for young adults today, both married and single: they are not yet adults financially.
Being a grownup means you provide for yourself and do not depend on Mom and Dad to provide for you.
Kids want freedom and privileges: we can tell them, "When you're an adult, that means you are on your own, earning your own way and paying all your own bills, completely separated from us. Then you can make all your own life decisions."
Problem comes when kids want to have the privileges of making adult decisions without the responsibility of paying one's own way, which leads to the "I'm in trouble" side of financial boundary problems.
Many adult children perpetually get into financial messes because of irresponsibility, drug or alcohol use, out-of-control spending, or the modern "I haven't found my niche" syndrome. Their parents continue to finance this road of failure and irresponsibility, thinking "this time they'll do better." In reality, they are crippling their children for life, preventing them from achieving independence.
An adult who does not stand on his own financially is still a child. To be an adult, you must live within your means and pay for your own failures.
Mom, Where Are My Socks?
In the perpetual child syndrome, a person may be financially on his own, but allows his family of origin to perform certain life management functions.
Hangs out at Mom and Dad's house
Vacations with them
Drops off laundry
Eats many meals there
Mom or Dad's closest confidante
At thirtysomething, he hasn't found his career niche
has no savings
no retirement plan
no health insurance.
On the surface, these things don't appear to be serious problems.
But often, Mom and Dad are symbolically keeping their adult child from emotionally leaving home.
This is essentially an adolescent financial life.
Adolescents make enough money to buy a surfboard, stereo, or outfit, but do not think past the immediate present to the future.
Did I make enough money for the pleasures of this weekend?
Adolescents—and adult children who have not separated from their parents—are still under parental protection, and it's a parent's job to think about the future.
What if you're the parent?
"Son/daughter, we've made a mistake in enabling you to not grow up. We're going to draw some boundaries to encourage you to be a grownup. We will no longer ________. I'm sure it will be uncomfortable for you, and it will be for us too, but we're doing this because we love you."
Three's a Crowd
Dysfunctional families are known for a certain type of boundary problem called triangulation.
Person A, B and C:
A is mad at B.
A doesn't tell B.
A calls C and gripes about B.
C enjoys A's confidence and listens whenever A wants to play the triangle game.
By this time, B, feeling lonely, calls C, and in passing, mentions the conflict with A.
C becomes the confidante of B as well as A.
A and B have not resolved their conflict, and C has two "friends."
Triangulation is the failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides. This is a boundary problem because the third person has no business in the conflict, but is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other. The third person functions as a stabilizer in the relationship between the other two.
This is how
conflicts persist,
people don't change,
and enemies are made unnecessarily.
What happens in the triangle is that people speak falsely, covering up their negative emotions with nice words and flattery. A is usually very cordial, nice and even complimentary to B in person, but when A talks to C, the anger comes out.
This is a clear lack of boundaries because Person A is not "owning" his anger. The person with whom A is angry deserves to hear it straight from her. How many times have you been hurt by a "Do you know what John said about you?" And the last time you talked to John things were fine.
In addition, Person C is being drawn into the conflict, and her knowledge of the conflict gets in the way of her relationship with Person B. Gossip gets between people. It affects our opinions of the people being gossiped about without them having a chance to defend themselves. Many times what we hear from a third person is inaccurate. That's why the Bible commands us to listen to at least two or three witnesses, not just one.
You can triangulate in a group: sharing prayer requests or burdens. If you are giving enough information that they will align with you against the other person, you are triangulating, and it's gossip.
The scripture is very serious about dealing with conflict DIRECTLY with the one you are angry with:
- He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue. (Prov. 28:23)
- Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt. (Lev. 19:17)
- Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. (Matt. 5:23-24)
- If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. (Matt. 18:15)
These scriptures show that a simple way to avoid triangulation is to always talk to the person with whom you have a conflict first. Never say to a 3rd party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person herself.
Some of the wisest counsel I ever received was about my behavior as Curt turned 18. Someone with “eyes to see” pointed out that I was still trying to control my son, even though that didn’t work anymore. And when I couldn’t control him directly, I tried to control him indirectly, by getting other people to give him messages he wouldn’t receive from me.
This person said, "I refuse to be triangulated into your relationship with Curt. Indirect communication is both manipulative and deceptive, as well as ineffective. The problem is that you are feeling powerless, and you truly are, because your son is now an adult and he is not only capable of but supposed to make, and bear, the consequences of his own choices.
"Powerlessness is one of the most difficult experiences to embrace in our relationships and in our spiritual journey. Paradoxically, it is the key to unlocking both relational and spiritual effectiveness. That’s hard to hear, since we usually resort to being controlling when we’re feeling the most out of control. Your responsibility is to control yourself, and when it comes to other people, love them and leave them in God’s hands, acknowledging your powerlessness and yielding to His power and sovereignty."
But I'm Your Brother
Grown sibling relationship: An irresponsible adult child depends on a responsible adult sibling to avoid growing up and leaving the family.
The tough issue here is the guilt and pressure you feel because it is your brother or sister. Sometimes people do totally crazy and unhelpful things for a brother or sister that they would never do for their closest friend. Our families can tear down our best-built fences because they are "family."
Ask yourself, "If she/he weren't family, how would I handle this?"
"What is in his/her best interest?" (to grow up, to take responsibility for self)
But Why Do We Do That?
If we don’t learn about boundary-setting in our family of origin, our adult boundary problems are just continuations of old boundary problems that have been there since childhood.
"If you only do the things you've always done, all you'll ever have is what you've got."
The first step is identifying these rules of the family and turn from them. You have to become aware of old family patterns that continue into today. It helps to go through the laws of boundaries and see what's being broken, in order to fix things.
Adoption
Boundaries are an essential aspect of growing up. One step in growing up is coming out from under parental authority and putting yourself under God's authority.
The Bible says that children are under the authority of their parents until they become adults. But when adulthood comes, that person comes out from under guardians and managers and becomes responsible for him or herself.
Christians move into another parental relationship with God as Father. God adopts us into His family.
Numerous NT passages teach that we need to forsake our allegiance to our original family and become adopted by God. God commands us to look to Him as Father and have no parental intermediaries. Adults who are still holding an allegiance to early parents have not realized their new adoptive status.
Many times we don't obey the Word of God because we have not spiritually left home. We feel we still need to please our parents and their traditional ways of doing things rather than obey our new Father.
When we become part of God's family, obeying His ways will sometimes cause conflict in our families and sometimes separate us.
Matt. 10:34-37
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
For I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--
a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;
Ray and I were the first Christ-followers in our families, and it caused conflict. Ray married me instead of becoming a priest. When we joined Probe, we became missionaries. (Catholics didn't do that.) We went to a Bible church. We didn't baptize our children. Our parents didn't understand these choices, and it caused conflict. But because our first allegiance was to God and to each other, the boundary lines were clearly drawn in our heads and hearts. "I'm sorry you don't understand what we're doing, but it's a matter of listening to and obeying God." We heard what our parents said, we acknowledged what they were saying, we affirmed them and loved them, and then we did what we knew God was telling us to do.
Jesus says that our spiritual ties are the closest and most important. Our true family is the family of God:
Matt. 12:46-49
While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him.
Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."
He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?"
Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers.
For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."
This doesn't mean we are to cut other ties. We are to have friends outside of God's family and strong ties with our family of origin. But we need to ask two questions:
- Do these ties keep us from doing the right thing in any situation?
- Have we really become an adult in relation to our family of origin?
When setting boundaries with family:
1. Love and honor your parents.
All communication needs to be done in love so the other person can hear the truth and take it in without feeling bad or defensive.
When we honor our parents, we acknowledge their previous role in our lives.
We express gratitude for what they did for us.
We live in grace, so we can extend it to our family.
If you find you can't love and honor your parents, get into God's healing process: Find a trusted friend, a support group, or a counselor to help you deal with the wounds your parents caused. This will help you come to love and honor them.
God's healing process: 1) grieve the pain and the loss, 2) forgive the person who hurt you.
2. Do not obey your parents.
Loving and honoring do not equal obeying.
God placed you with your parents for a season of time to help you grow into a mature adult.
At some point this season ends, and your relationship with your mom and dad changes from child-to-parent to adult-to-adult.
The roles change from dependency and authority to mutuality.
While you are to respect and care for your parents, you are not longer under their protection and tutelage.
Children are to obey their parents; adult children are to love and honor them.
Therefore, sometimes you will need to confront parents, disobeying their desire for you to agree with them or go along with a bad situation.
3. When dealing with a sibling, remember it's adult-to-adult, and distance yourself from your childhood ways of relating.
Reprogram the jukebox, so when they hit your button, it no longer plays B-17. Respond, don't react. CHOOSE the way you will deal with what they say and do. You are not in bondage to childhood ways of relating.
Sometimes when you insist on maintaining your boundaries (for example, “I’m sorry, I can’t be your child’s afterschool babysitter”), people will try to trample those boundaries through guilt (“I can’t believe you call yourself a friend and you would deny me this simple need”) or manipulation (“If you don’t do this for me, I’ll lose my job and we’ll go hungry and it’ll be your fault”) or other less-than-honorable motives. When you continue to stand your ground, other people may get their feelings hurt because they couldn’t make you do what they wanted you to do. In that case, remember that some people choose to get their feelings hurt, and that’s OK. It’s not wise to honor others’ self-centeredness, which is what’s happening when they get their feelings hurt because they wanted their agenda instead of honoring yours.
Next Lesson: Setting Boundaries
Related Topics: Boundaries, Christian Life, Messages, Spiritual Life, Wisdom, Women