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5. Top Of The List - Five Love Needs Of Men And Women

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“Top Of The List – Five Love Needs Of Men And Women” is a selected excerpt from the online/DVD teaching series Marriage 101: Back to the Basics.  Be sure to check out the clip.

Summary:  A revealing look at the top five needs of married men and women

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Be honest – have you ever made a list of the qualities in your “perfect” mate?  One glance at the exhaustive online dating service questionnaires leaves little doubt that, when it comes to finding love, people are making their lists and checking them twice.

But what about sustaining love after you say, “I do”?  There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want before marriage, but it’s far more important to know what you need within marriage – and it’s absolutely crucial to know what your spouse needs.

Gary and Barb Rosberg interviewed hundreds of couples to compile a list of the top five love needs of married men and women.  In this video, they share the results, and provide solid biblical guidance that will help you tune in to your partner’s needs and express your own.

Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg

Gary Rosberg:  How do you meet each other’s needs?  We know that the Word of God has a lot to say.  1 Peter 3:8 is terrific:

“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult; but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

That’s what all of us want in our marriages.  You want to be blessed.  Barb and I want to be blessed.  So we need to be other-centered and serve each other well.  Years ago, we wrote a book called The Five Love Needs of Men and Women and we learned that men and women are wired differently.  Now, there’s no newsflash on that, I know. 

Barb Rosberg:  We researched 700 couples to find out what they needed in order to feel loved in their marriage.  We’re going to list for you what these five needs are.  Now, some of you may say, “Hey, wait a minute.  You’ve switched us around.  I feel one way and my spouse feels the other.”  Well, this is good.  There is hope.  The bottom line is this:  we need to understand what our mate’s needs are, and then meet them.

GR:  The number one love need for men is unconditional love and acceptance.  That’s the agape love, it’s the way Jesus Christ loves us.  And women, you need to understand something about your husband.  Life is hard.  He’s getting beat up all day long and he needs to know that you love him no matter what.

BR:  And when we, as women, were asked that question, women told us that they need to feel loved unconditionally with acceptance as well.  It’s the unconditional love from the Father.  It’s when we make mistakes, when we blow it, when we find out that our mates love us to that extent, that’s when we can grow from good to great in our marriage.

GR:  The number two love need is intimacy.  And men spell it correctly – S-E-X.  I love this part of this teaching.

BR:  The number two love need for women is intimacy as well.  But we spell it correctly – T-A-L-K.  We need loads of talk time – open communication with our spouse so that we feel the safety and the boundaries around our marriage relationship.

GR:  Number three is the area of companionship.  Wives, your husband may not tell you this, but he needs you to be his best friend.  Guys love to go hunting with each other, or play basketball, or go to a men’s event but when we come home, we really want to connect to our wives.  And when you watch a marriage over the stages that they go through, as they grow old together, there’s nothing better than seeing a husband and a wife really becoming one, and that companionship and friendship need being met.  It’s phileo love in a marriage relationship.

BR:  The third love need for women is that of spiritual intimacy.  If you want to take an ordinary marriage to the next level, it will become extraordinary when we follow Christ individually, and then corporately as a couple.  If you want power in your marriage, truly it’s the couple that prays together, that talks about spiritual things, that’s when couples really go deep in their relationship.

GR:  The number four need for men and women alike – and this is remarkable to us in this research – is encouragement.  It’s encouraging one another.  Scripture is clear that we need to do that with one another; but when we’re getting beaten up, when it’s hard out there, what I coach wives to do is to let your husband hear the applause from heaven and then let you be the one whispering in his ear, shouting from the rooftops, that you are encouraging him, that you’re with him, that you believe in him.

BR:  And women, we need encouragement from our husbands.  We need it because truly we are the hub of the family.  If your wife doesn’t get encouragement she will slowly die without it.  Give your wife loads of encouragement.

GR:  Number five for men is spiritual connection.  Wives, you need to understand something – your husband may experience his spiritual life differently from the way you experience it, and that’s okay.  As you’re growing in a marriage, as you’re becoming one in the marriage, you will find that your husband moves closer and closer to Christ.  But you’ve got a lot to do with affirming him in that area.  You need to speak that belief in him, and cheer him on, because it’s hard to be a spiritual leader for us as men.  Many of us did not learn how to do it in the homes in which we grew up.  Nevertheless, our role is to serve our wives, to “out serve” our wives, and to continue to speak into the spiritual connection with our brides.

BR:  And number five for women is that of friendship in marriage.  We as women love our girlfriends, don’t we?  We love being a circle of friends to one another.  But when we examine it within the context of marriage, I want my husband to be my very best friend.  It’s on the level of being a soul mate.  And so we talk about the importance of making sure that friendship is a strong ingredient in marriage.  You know, marriage can be costly.  It can be sacrificial to you.  But when we understand that the power of marriage is to cause us to walk together side by side with our spouse, we can then understand how God has designed marriage to be great – not just good, but great – this side of heaven.


From “Marriage 101: Back to the Basics” DVD series

Related Topics: Spiritual Life, Christian Home, Fellowship, Christian Education, Marriage

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