This week I received one of the most incredible emails that I have ever received. It was from Michael Abel, who is with Gospel Recordings in Pakistan. I first met him when he visited our church a couple of years ago. In this email, he was passing on to us information that he has received to the effect that about 300 million lower caste people in India, called the Dalits, are on the verge of rejecting Hinduism and embracing the Christian faith!

The Dalit leaders have been meeting with leaders from the All India Christian Council, the largest evangelical network in India. The Council leaders have helped the Dalit leaders to realize that the ultimate freedom they were searching for could only be attained if their people know Jesus Christ. These Dalit leaders then opened their hearts to call their people to become Christians. This call will go out nationally to the 300 million Dalits next Sunday, November 4th, asking them to embrace the Christian faith. In fact, this mass exodus from Hinduism has already begun, with thousands here and there being reported as coming to Christ. The Dalit leaders’ request is, “The only way for our people to find freedom from 3,000 years of slavery is to quit Hinduism … and embrace another faith. Christianity offers hope for us. We would be happy if our people would know Christ and become Christians … can you help us?”

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if God so moved in America that almost one-third of our population got converted within a short period of time? And yet, it would be an overwhelming task to handle that many seekers and new believers!

Our text records the establishing of the church in Ephesus. In Paul’s day, it was a city of about 200,000, noted as a center for magic arts and especially for its Temple of Artemis, a multi-breasted goddess. This temple was the largest building in the world at that time, as long as a football field, known as one of the Seven Wonders of the World. It was four times the size of the Parthenon in Athens. God opened the door for Paul into this stronghold of Satan, so that the church was established and “the word of the Lord was growing mightily and prevailing” (19:20). In fact, “all who lived in Asia [western Turkey] heard the word of the Lord, both Jews and Greeks” (19:10). It was probably during this period that the seven churches of Revelation 2 & 3 were established.

Every Christian longs for God’s church to be established and extended as His word spreads mightily and prevails. Our text shows that for that to happen, there must be evangelizing, empowering, and equipping. The church must be preaching the gospel, it must be empowered through God’s Spirit, and pastor-teachers must be equipping the saints for the work of the ministry. All three were happening in Ephesus.

To establish and extend the church, there must be evangelizing, empowering, and equipping.

1. To establish and extend the church, there must be evangelizing.

Fulfilling his earlier promise to return to Ephesus if God willed (18:21), Paul returned about a year later, after Apollos had left for Corinth. He found about 12 men whom Luke describes as “disciples” (19:1), who had “believed” (19:2). But as Paul talked with them, he discerned that something was not quite right. Finally (we are given only a brief summary) Paul asked, “Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?” The men replied that they had not even heard that there was a Holy Spirit. But since they were disciples of John the Baptist, and since John clearly taught that the Messiah would baptize His followers with the Holy Spirit (Luke 3:16), probably they meant that they had not heard that the Holy Spirit had been given in the sense that John had predicted.

So Paul explained to them that the one of whom John prophesied had come, namely, Jesus. No doubt he told them of His death on the cross as the substitute for sinners, of His resurrection from the dead, and of His ascension into heaven. When they heard the gospel, they believed in Christ and were baptized as a confession of their faith. Then Paul laid his hands on them, the Holy Spirit came on them, and they began speaking with tongues and prophesying (19:6). Then Paul went into the synagogue and spoke out boldly for three months, until an opposition group forced him to take the disciples and meet in the school of Tyrannus, where he taught them extensively, resulting in the further spreading of the gospel (19:8-10).

First I want to focus on three lessons that our text teaches us about evangelism.

A. Some who need to be evangelized already believe and are in the church.

You’re saying, “What? If they already believe and are in the church, aren’t they saved?” Not necessarily! The question is, What do they believe? These men believed in the message of John the Baptist, but they had not heard how Jesus had fulfilled John’s preaching. Even though Luke calls them “disciples” (19:1), it is clear that they were not disciples of Jesus. In a similar way, there are many in evangelical churches today who believe in God, and perhaps even believe in Jesus in some general sort of way, but who are not truly saved. If you asked them, “Are you a Christian?” they would answer, “Of course I am! I’m not a Hindu or an atheist!” But in spite of their answer, they are not truly saved.

How can you tell? One way is to look for signs of spiritual life. We are not told why Paul asked them whether they received the Holy Spirit when they believed, but probably he sensed that something didn’t quite seem right. Maybe they didn’t understand spiritual truth as he talked about it (1 Cor. 2:14). Maybe the fruit of the Spirit was not evident in their attitudes and behavior (Gal. 5:22-23). But Paul sensed something that led him to ask a diagnostic question to determine where these men were really at spiritually: “Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?” (The KJV translation, “since you believed,” is in error.)

Sometimes you will be talking with someone who claims to believe in Christ and who has been in the church for years, but you sense that something isn’t right. The two diagnostic questions that Evangelism Explosion uses are excellent tools to determine where the person is at spiritually: “Do you know for sure that when you die you will be with God in heaven?” And, “If God were to ask you, ‘Why should I let you into My heaven?’ what would you say?” Their answers will reveal what they are trusting in for eternal life. A person must believe that Jesus Christ, who is fully God and fully man, paid the penalty for sin that we deserve when He died on the cross. And that person must personally receive God’s gift of eternal life by trusting in what Christ did for him on the cross. Any trust in human goodness, even if coupled with faith in Christ, reveals that the person does not understand the gospel and has not trusted in Christ alone for salvation.

B. When the gospel is rightly proclaimed, it draws a line that divides people.

Paul set something of a personal record here, in that he lasted for three months in the synagogue before opposition forced him out! He was “reasoning and persuading them about the kingdom of God” (19:8). Paul not only lectured, but also responded to their questions and challenges. He took them to the Scriptures to show that Jesus Christ is the promised Savior and King. “The kingdom of God” refers to more than the future millennial reign of Christ. It refers to the realm where Jesus is King or Lord. It encompasses all that is entailed in a life of “righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit” (Rom. 14:17).

Whenever you make it clear that human goodness and works have no merit toward salvation, and that Jesus Christ is the rightful King and Lord of all, some will respond in faith, but others will become hardened and disobedient, and speak evil of God’s way of salvation (19:9). Often those who oppose the most are those who are most religious. They take pride in their religion! How dare you suggest that they are sinners! How can you possibly say that they are not good enough to get into heaven? Every religion, except biblical Christianity, appeals to man’s pride by promoting a salvation through human goodness. But the gospel, rightly proclaimed, says that there are none good enough for heaven. “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” The only way that sinners can be justified is “as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 3:23-24). That message divides people!

C. All who truly believe in Jesus Christ should confess their faith through water baptism.

John the Baptist had baptized these men when they repented for the forgiveness of their sins (Luke 3:3). But there is salvation in no one other than the name of Jesus (Acts 4:12). Old Covenant saints were saved by believing in the Messiah to come. After Jesus came, it is necessary to believe in Him specifically. This was the transitional time between the Old Covenant era and the New. The fact that Paul has them baptized in the name of Jesus seems to indicate that they just now got saved. The name of Jesus does not mean that the baptismal “formula” must be Jesus only. Jesus taught plainly to baptize in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit (Matt. 28:19). Luke is here focusing on the fact that their faith is now in the person of Jesus Christ, not just in a hope of Messiah in general.

Although those who advocate infant baptism would disagree with me, I believe that those who were baptized as infants, but who later come to saving faith in Jesus Christ, should be re-baptized as a confession of personal faith in Jesus as Savior and Lord. Infants cannot believe in Jesus and should not be baptized. There is no New Testament example or command to baptize infants. The whole argument is built on linking baptism with circumcision as the sign of the New Covenant, and on identifying the church as the new Israel. But baptism is always linked with saving faith in Jesus Christ (even in Col. 2:11-12, which links circumcision and baptism). It is an outward picture of the inward cleansing and new life that God imparts to the person who trusts in Christ. If you have believed in Christ but have not been baptized, I urge you to talk with one of the pastors and be baptized on December 2nd.

Thus to establish and extend the church, we must be evangelizing by proclaiming the gospel of faith alone in Christ alone.

2. To establish and extend the church, there must be empowering by God’s Holy Spirit.

After these men believed and were baptized, Paul laid hands on them and the Holy Spirit came upon them, causing them to speak in tongues and prophesy. This text has led to much confusion in modern Christian circles, primarily because interpreters do not keep in mind the transitional nature of Acts. Because of the unfortunate King James translation (“since you believed”), many in the Pentecostal movement have argued that not all believers receive the Holy Spirit at the moment of salvation. They say that we should seek a “second work of grace” where we are baptized by the Spirit and speak in tongues. They make speaking in tongues the mark of whether or not a person has received the Spirit. I must be brief, but let me make three statements about the Holy Spirit:

A. All who have truly believed in Jesus Christ have received the Holy Spirit.

In Romans 8:9, Paul asserts, “But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him.” The Spirit of Christ refers to the Holy Spirit, whom Christ sent. Even the carnal Corinthians had God’s Spirit dwelling in them (1 Cor. 6:19). Paul told them that the Spirit had baptized them all into Christ’s body, and that they all were made to drink of the one Spirit (1 Cor. 12:13). Paul later wrote to the Ephesians, telling them that when they believed, they had been sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, who is given as a pledge of our inheritance (Eph. 1:13-14). If a person does not have the Spirit indwelling him, he is not saved.

B. Speaking in tongues and prophesying are not the normative signs of receiving the Holy Spirit.

As a transitional book, Acts describes the outpouring or baptism of the Spirit as promised by Jesus just prior to His ascension (Acts 1:5). The initial reception of the Spirit happens with four groups in Acts. First, the Jews who believed in Christ received the Holy Spirit on the Day of Pentecost (2:1-4, 33). Then, in Acts 8, the Samaritans believed the gospel, but they did not receive the Spirit until Peter and John came and prayed for them and laid hands on them (8:14-17). The reason for the delay was so that the early church did not divide into Jewish and Samaritan factions. The apostles saw that the Samaritans received the same Holy Spirit by faith that the Jews had received, and the Samaritans saw that they had to submit to the Jewish apostles. In Acts 10, Peter preached the gospel to the Gentiles, who received the Spirit at the moment of saving faith, much to Peter’s surprise. Here, these Old Testament believers living in Ephesus (which may represent “the remotest part of the earth,” Acts 1:8) are the last group to be gathered in.

In each case, an apostle was present to impart the Spirit to this new group. In Acts, receiving the Spirit and speaking in tongues were always group experiences, directly related to salvation. With each group (tongues is implied in Acts 8), the miraculous sign of tongues demonstrated that God was giving that group the gift of the Spirit. But it was a transitional sign, not normative for all times. In 1 Corinthians 12:30, Paul asks rhetorically, “All do not speak with tongues, do they?” If speaking in tongues had been a normative sign of receiving the Holy Spirit, he would not have said that. Even in other conversions in Acts, such as that of the Philippian jailer and his family, there is no record of such manifestations.

I believe that both in Acts and in First Corinthians, the gift of tongues was the miraculous ability to speak in a language that the speaker had not previously learned. It was not ecstatic utterances. In Acts 2, it clearly was languages, since the foreign speakers present heard the believers speaking in their native languages. The same Greek word is used everywhere for tongues. The fact that tongues require interpretation shows that they were not ecstatic utterances, since such noises cannot be objectively interpreted. Prophesying here seems to refer to spontaneous, Spirit-inspired praises to God, not to foretelling the future. My point is that tongues and prophecy were not the normative sign of conversion and receiving the Holy Spirit, whether in Acts or in the rest of Scripture. To make them such for our day is to misinterpret this transitional text.

C. Those who have received the Spirit through faith in Christ must learn to walk in the Spirit’s power.

While every genuine believer in Christ receives the indwelling Holy Spirit at the moment of conversion, walking in the Spirit’s power is not an automatic process. If it were, Paul would not have commanded us to walk in the Spirit (Gal. 5:16) and be filled with the Spirit (Eph. 5:18). Sadly, there are many who profess to know Christ, but their daily lives are more characterized by the deeds of the flesh than by the fruit of the Spirit. We could well ask them Paul’s question here, “Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?” If you did, why aren’t you walking in the power of the Spirit, so that He transforms your character and behavior to conform to Jesus Christ? Especially our families, but also those who know us, should be able to see evidence of the Holy Spirit’s work in our lives. If they cannot, we need to make sure that we have trusted in Christ by faith, and we need to make it our priority to walk daily in the Spirit’s power.

3. To establish and extend the church, there must be equipping.

When Paul finally ran into stiff opposition in the synagogue, he withdrew with the disciples and reasoned daily in the school of Tyrannus. An early manuscript (probably not original) says that it was from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. daily, when the city would have been taking a midday siesta. The name Tyrannus means “tyrant,” and one commentator notes that since it is difficult (except in certain bleak moments of parenthood) to think of any parent naming his or her child “Tyrant,” this must have been a nickname given by the man’s students (Richard Longenecker, Expositor’s Bible Commentary [Zondervan], 9:495). Paul would have worked at his trade in the morning hours (Acts 20:35) and then taught his students in this school building during the middle of the day. If he did teach for five hours every day for two years, it adds up to 1,500-1,800 hours of teaching, a substantial amount! The men who received the teaching went into the outlying areas and established churches, such as Epaphras did in Colossae, Laodicea, and Hierapolis (Col. 1:7; 4:12-13). The result was that “all who lived in Asia heard the word of the Lord” (Acts 19:10).

You can have evangelism and even empowering by God’s Spirit, but if there is no solid teaching, revival will go astray. Sound doctrine is the essential foundation for establishing solid churches. Paul later even warns these men, to whom he had declared the whole purpose of God, to be on guard against men from their own ranks who would speak perverse things, drawing away the disciples after them (20:27-30). In Paul’s final letters to the pastors, Timothy and Titus, he repeatedly emphasizes the need for sound doctrine (1 Tim. 1:3; 4:1, 6, 11, 13, 16; 5:17; 6:3, 20; 2 Tim. 1:13; 2:2, 14-16, 23-26; 3:10, 14-17; 4:1-5, 15; Titus 1:9, 13-14; 2:1, 7-8, 15; 3:9).

In our day, doctrine is being set aside, and experience and emotions are exalted. But if experience and emotions are not rooted in sound doctrine, they will not be biblical and will not sustain us or keep us from serious error. To establish and extend the church so that it is a vital force in future generations, we must devote ourselves to the teaching of God’s Word.

Conclusion

Wouldn’t it be exciting if we could substitute “Northern Arizona” for the word “Asia” in verse 10: “All who lived in Northern Arizona heard the word of the Lord, whether religious people or pagans”! For that to happen, we must commit ourselves to evangelizing the lost, we must daily rely on the power of the Holy Spirit, and we must equip the saints for the work of the ministry.

With reference to the situation I mentioned at the beginning of this message, Indian church leaders are asking churches around the world to mobilize for prayer for the potential opportunity of 300 million Dalits being open to the gospel. The forces of darkness will not be idle if 300 million people suddenly want to hear about Jesus Christ!

Next Saturday, a number of Christian leaders in the U.S. are calling for a special day of fasting and prayer for our nation in light of the current war against terrorism. Since Sunday in India begins while it is still Saturday here, I would ask you to pray not only for our nation, but also for this amazing potential movement of God’s Spirit in India. If 300 million lower caste people convert to Christianity en masse, it will shake the entire Indian social system to the very core, and probably spark a wave of persecution! It will flood the churches there with overwhelming needs. They are estimating the need for at least 10,000 more missionaries in the next few months so that they can adequately handle the masses of Dalits coming to Christ. What a problem!

Let’s close with a time of prayer for the church worldwide, but especially in America and in India, to be evangelizing, to be empowered by God’s Spirit, and to be equipping believers through the teaching of God’s Word.

Discussion Questions

1. How can you talk about the gospel to someone who thinks that he is a Christian, but whom you suspect is not?
2. If the true gift of tongues is speaking in a foreign language, how do you explain the current phenomenon of tongues as ecstatic utterances? Is it of God? Of Satan? Other?
3. How can a believer learn to walk in the Spirit?
4. A Christian says, “Doctrine is divisive and it is not relevant to where I live.” Your response?

Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2001, All Rights Reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation

I have never been caught in the midst of a riot, much less been the target of one. But I have read of Hudson and Maria Taylor’s harrowing experience in Yangchow, China, when an angry, drunk mob attacked their house and tried to set fire to it, and it doesn’t sound enjoyable (see Roger Steer, J. Hudson Taylor [OMF], pp. 217-224)! Somehow God miraculously spared them and their children from permanent injury and death, although Maria, who was six months pregnant, had to jump out of a second story window to escape. If you’ve never read the story of Hudson Taylor and the China Inland Mission, you are lacking a profound spiritual experience!

Our text reports the story of a riot in Ephesus instigated against Paul and the infant church there. Although Paul was not at the center of the action, it must have been an unforgettably frightening ordeal. He may have been referring to it when he told the Corinthians how he had fought with wild beasts at Ephesus (1 Cor. 15:32). He probably was referring to it when he also told them, “For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves in order that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope” (2 Cor. 1:8-10).

Most of us have never had to face that kind of severe opposition because of our faith. Hopefully, we never will, but we should not be taken by surprise if it does come. Sometimes I think that the doctrine of the pretribulation rapture has made American Christians naively assume that they will be spared from any serious persecution in the end times. But whether the pretrib rapture is true or not, we have no guarantee of protection from persecution. Christians in other countries have suffered terribly for their faith, and America is not exempt. We need to be ready in case it comes.

Luke’s purpose for including this incident seems to be twofold (I’m following Richard Longenecker, Expositor’s Bible Commentary [Zondervan], 9:502): First, he was trying to present an apologetic that the Christian faith was a legitimate religion, not at odds with Roman law or government. Therefore any who persecuted the Christian Church were in violation of Roman law. He shows this by telling of the friendliness of Asiarchs toward Paul (19:31). These men were from the noblest and wealthiest families in the province of Asia, and were a quasi-religious association that sought to secure loyalty to Roman rule (ibid., pp. 503-504). The fact that they were friendly toward Paul shows that he could not have been a threat to the state. Also, the city clerk’s intervention to quell the riot (19:35-41) shows that he did not regard the Christians as a threat to the city or its citizens.

Luke’s second purpose for including this incident was to show that spiritually, the only thing that heathenism can do against Paul and the Christian faith “is to shout itself hoarse” (Ernst Haenchen, cited by Longenecker, p. 502). Unbelievers oppose the gospel because Satan has blinded their minds and the gospel confronts their sin. Satan’s fury against the church is great, but pagan religions are impotent and empty in the long run. God’s sovereign providence protects His church, even in the face of fierce opposition. So our text is showing us that …

People oppose the gospel because Satan has blinded them and the gospel confronts their sin; but God rules over all.

This disturbance was not just against Paul personally, but against “the Way” (19:23). The Way was an early designation for the church (now it is the name of a false cult!). It points to Christianity as a way of life, and to the fact that Jesus is the only way to God (John 14:6). The first lesson to note is:

1. When the church effectively spreads the gospel, Satan will arouse opposition.

You may wonder, “Why would people oppose Christians? Christians care about and help their neighbors. They are good workers on the job. They are good citizens. Why is there such intense opposition toward Christianity and Christians?”

The answer is that there is an evil spiritual being, the devil, who is at work in the world to oppose God and His Messiah, the Lord Jesus Christ. As Paul later explained to this Ephesian Church, “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places”(Eph. 6:12).

It is no coincidence that this riot took place after the professing believers confessed their secret sins and openly demonstrated their repentance by burning their sorcery books (19:18-19). As a result of that cleansing, “the word of the Lord was growing mightily and prevailing” (19:20). Whenever the church repents of her sins and the word of the Lord grows mightily and prevails, Satan will not sit around passively wringing his hands. He will launch an attack. If we do not sense any opposition from the enemy, we should examine ourselves to determine whether or not we are doing anything significant enough to oppose.

The power of the Ephesian Church was not primarily political, but spiritual. They hadn’t picketed the temple of Artemis to try to get it shut down. They hadn’t organized rallies or tried to get legislation passed to stop the corrupt practices that went on there. If they had, the city clerk would not have spoken so favorably about Gaius and Aristarchus (19:37). Rather, they had proclaimed the gospel in Ephesus and the outlying area, and they had demonstrated the power of the gospel through their repentance. It was so many people coming under that transforming power of the gospel that now was threatening the business of these idol-makers.

There is a proper place for the church to use political means to accomplish spiritual goals. At times Paul used his Roman citizenship to secure protection for the church and for himself (16:35-40; 25:11). Luther, Calvin, and Zwingli all used political power as a part of their overall strategy to establish the Reformation. But our main focus should be to demonstrate by our godly lives the truth of the gospel, and to proclaim that gospel verbally. As people get saved, the culture will be changed. And Satan will not allow that to happen without stirring up opposition. But why do people oppose the gospel?

2. People oppose the gospel because Satan blinds their minds and the gospel confronts their sinful lifestyles.

A. People oppose the gospel because Satan blinds their minds to the glory of Christ.

“And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, in whose case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving, that they might not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God” (2 Cor. 4:3-4). Paul also refers to how Christ delivers us from “the domain of darkness” (Col. 1:13). Those who do not know Christ do not have the capacity to accept or understand the things of the Spirit of God, because they are spiritually appraised (1 Cor. 2:14).

Why else would people worship a grotesque statue of a multi-breasted woman? The legend was that Artemis fell down from Zeus (or, Jupiter; 19:35). Probably, a meteorite fell to the earth that looked something like a multi-breasted woman. The superstitious people thought that she must be a symbol of fertility, and so women would invoke her help in childbirth. The Temple of Artemis in Ephesus was one of the Seven Wonders of the World, and people would flock from all over the Roman Empire to see it. The girls who served the temple dressed in short skirts with one breast bare (E. M. Blaiklock, Zondervan Pictorial Encyclopedia of the Bible [Zondervan], 1:341). The annual festival in honor of Artemis, which was kind of like the Mardi Gras, drew a great deal of business to the area, including buyers of these small statues.

These silversmiths had heard of and probably seen evidence of the many miracles that God had been doing through Paul in Ephesus (19:11). You would think that they would stop and ask whether Paul’s message might be from God. But sin and Satan blind people so that they can’t see how irrational they are. Demetrius and the silversmiths knew that Paul was saying that “gods made with hands are no gods at all” (19:26). That seems to me to be a fairly self-evident truth, that if someone made it, it isn’t God. But Satan had blinded their minds.

When we talk to people about Christ, we should try to be as clear as we can be. We should be logical and persuasive. But the bottom line is, if God does not shine into the person’s heart with the light of the knowledge of His glory in the face of Christ (2 Cor. 4:6), he or she is not going to respond favorably. You may as well try to get a blind man to appreciate the fine points of a beautiful picture as to try to get an unbeliever to understand the gospel! And so as you share the gospel, pray that God would grant sight to blind eyes.

B. People oppose the gospel because it confronts their sinful lifestyles.

Both the message of the gospel and the lives of those who have believed the gospel confront sinners with their sin. The message necessarily confronts people with their sin, because if people are not sinners, they have no need for a Savior. A “gospel” that presents Jesus as the way to a happier life, but dodges the sin issue, is no gospel at all. The Bible plainly indicts us all: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Rom. 3:23). While some of us are better than others (when we compare ourselves with ourselves), none of us has perfectly obeyed God’s holy standards. By our thoughts, words, and deeds, we have repeatedly rebelled against Him as our rightful Lord. We have failed to love Him with our total being, as He rightly deserves. Before people can appreciate and respond to the good news, that Christ died for sinners and that He offers forgiveness and eternal life as a free gift, they must hear the bad news about their sin.

But not only the message of the gospel confronts sinners. Also the lives of those who have believed the gospel confront sinners. If everyone is in the dark, doing things that they know they shouldn’t be doing, and some guy walks in with a bright light, it exposes their evil deeds. If people who used to get drunk and sleep with the temple prostitutes suddenly stop doing that because they have trusted in Christ and repented of their sins, it threatens those who still do those things. They can no longer compare themselves with these people, because they make them look bad. So either they need to accuse them of hypocrisy or spread false rumors to discredit their behavior. Perhaps you’ve experienced this on the job. Because you don’t lie or cheat and because you work hard, you make the other employees look bad, and so they attack you.

Demetrius and his fellow-workers should have asked, “Is the message that Paul and others are proclaiming true? If it is true, we’re in big trouble before the Creator of the universe, because we’ve not only worshiped this stupid idol; we’ve helped thousands of others to do the same! If Paul’s message is true, we need to find another line of work!”

But as Paul argues in Romans 1:18-23, men suppress the truth in unrighteousness and end up in idolatry, worshiping the creature rather than the Creator. Idolatry in the broadest sense is devotion to anything other than the living and true God. It often involves using statues or images, which the second commandment forbids (Exod. 20:4). Even to claim that you’re just using such physical objects as “helps” to worship God (as Roman Catholics and the Orthodox do) is to engage in idolatry. Israel would have claimed that the golden calf was just an object to help them worship the god that brought them out of Egypt (Exod. 32:4), but they were clearly engaging in idolatry. To pray to statues or pictures of Jesus or Mary or the saints, or to set them up in your home or yard in the hopes that they will protect you from harm, is to engage in idolatry.

But you can engage in idolatry without statues. It is idolatry to be more devoted to your job and financial success than you are to God and His kingdom. Devotion to sensual pleasure through pornography or immorality is a form of idolatry. A pursuit that may be legitimate in balance, such as a hobby or a sport, can become an idol when a person devotes an inordinate amount of time and money to it. Sitting in front of a TV set for two hours or more every day, or playing computer games for hours, but not having time to spend with the living God and to serve Him, is idolatry.

At first Demetrius plainly states that his concern is that Paul’s message was cutting into their profit margin (19:25). That was the bottom line! But then (19:27) he makes it sound a bit less self-serving by stating that their entire way of life, built around the famous Temple of Artemis, was in jeopardy. If people stopped flocking to the temple, it would disrupt their whole society. The entire economy would be affected. Inns and restaurants would lose business. Merchants who sold goods to the tourists would be hurting. And, the familiar customs and festivals associated with the worship of Artemis would come to an end. Perhaps even the great goddess, whom the whole world worshiped, would be dethroned from her magnificence!

This whipped the craftsmen into an irrational rage. On their way to the theater (which is still standing, and seated about 24,000), they somehow grabbed Gaius and Aristarchus, whom they recognized as being associated with Paul. Only by God’s gracious providence were they spared from being killed. Paul surely would have been killed if he had ventured into the arena as he wanted to do. But in this case, God protected His people, and no one got hurt.

3. God is sovereign to protect His church against the opposition of Satan.

Even in situations where missionaries have gotten killed, we know that God sovereignly protects His church. Satan is on a leash, and can only go as far as God lets him. As you know, on earlier occasions, Paul was stoned and beaten. Here, he was spared. But whatever happens, we can always know that God is never asleep when it comes to watching over His servants. His providential care and direction are ours, even when the enemy ferociously attacks us.

We see God’s sovereign providence in verse 21, where Paul lays out his plans for future ministry. It is ambiguous whether “in the spirit” means in his human spirit, or in the Holy Spirit, but I lean toward the Holy Spirit. When Paul says, “I must see Rome,” the word “must” is consistently used as a word of divine necessity. God was impelling Paul to new regions. In Romans 15:22-29, which he wrote shortly after this, he tells the Romans that after he visits Jerusalem, he hopes to see them and from there to keep heading west toward Spain. God was leading Paul by putting these desires in his heart

If you know the rest of the story, you know that Paul eventually did get to Rome, but not quite as he had envisioned! He got arrested in Jerusalem, detained in Caesarea for two years, and eventually, by way of shipwreck on Malta, got to Rome as a prisoner. We don’t know whether he ever did get to Spain. But Paul’s plans, made in dependence on the Spirit, show us that we should seek the Lord for how He wants to use us in His purpose. But the outworking of those plans is subject to His sovereign control.

In the riot in Ephesus, we see God’s providential protection of Paul and the other believers. If it had been up to Paul, he would have ventured into the arena and tried to address the unruly mob. He saw it as a choice opportunity to preach to thousands all at once! But surely he would have been viewed as the ringleader and the mob would have killed him. Later (21:11-14), Paul gets warned that he will be imprisoned if he goes to Jerusalem, and his friends plead with him not to go, but he goes anyway. But here he heeds their warning. Why did he listen here, but not there? I think the difference was the providential warning of his Asiarch friends. It is significant that Paul had a good relationship with these influential men, even though they were not yet believers. Out of respect for them and their position of influence, Paul held back from going into the theater to try to preach in this volatile situation.

Luke includes a somewhat obscure detail about a man named Alexander to show that Paul would not have gained a hearing anyway. Probably Alexander was put forward by the Jews to try to disassociate the Jews from the Christians. The Jews in Ephesus were against idolatry, of course, and they feared that the frenzied mob might launch a pogrom against the Jews as well as the Christians in this situation. So they wanted Alexander to show the mob that the Jews were not the cause of their loss of business. But he never got the chance. When they recognized him as a Jew, they started chanting for two hours, “Great is Artemis of the Ephesians!” We don’t know if this is the same Alexander mentioned in two other places in Paul’s letters (1 Tim. 1:20; 2 Tim. 4:14).

God finally protected Paul and the Ephesian Church through the wise words of the town clerk, who is comparable to the mayor. He was the one who would have to answer to Rome for this riot. He assured the crowd that the greatness of Artemis was not in danger, and that the two men they had apprehended were not guilty of robbing the temple or blaspheming their goddess. He reminded them of the proper judicial channels if they had a grievance. And he warned them of the consequences if Rome accused them of an unlawful assembly. Then he dismissed the crowd.

Conclusion

I could not find the exact quote, but T. W. Manson once said something like, “These early disciples were completely fearless, outrageously happy, and constantly in trouble.” This story makes me ask, “Am I doing anything significant enough on behalf of God’s kingdom to stir up the enemy’s opposition?” I realize that God sometimes grants the church times of peace (9:31). I also realize that the freedom of religion in our country assures us a certain amount of protection from persecution. But I also think that we should ponder G. Campbell Morgan’s words: “The Church persecuted has always been the Church pure, and therefore the Church powerful. The Church patronized has always been the Church in peril, and very often the Church paralyzed” (The Acts of the Apostles [Revell], p. 465). Are we making a powerful impact on our culture?

Have we burned our idols and cut off our ties with our old life of sin? Surveys show that those who profess to be evangelical Christians watch the same amount of TV and the same TV shows as the population at large. What if all who profess to know Christ stopped watching the filthy TV shows and spent the time studying their Bibles? What if Christians refused to go to or rent questionable movies or videos? Would Hollywood feel the loss of business? What if Christian young people kept themselves morally pure until marriage? What if Christians who were married kept their marriage vows and worked through their problems rather than get divorced? (There is currently no difference in divorce statistics between Christians and the general public.) What if Christians stopped squandering their wealth on frivolous toys and luxurious living and started living and giving sacrificially toward world missions?

Would these things impact our culture? Would unbelievers begin to see the effects of the gospel in our lives and be convicted of their sins? Would the Way of Jesus Christ begin to cause no small disturbance in the United States? Let’s begin in Flagstaff and find out!

Discussion Questions

1. Should we question our impact for Christ if we are not experiencing Satan’s opposition? Why/why not?
2. To what extent should Christians use political power for kingdom purposes? Where is the balance?
3. What are some ways that evangelicals commonly engage in idolatry? How can we rid ourselves of such idols?
4. When presenting the gospel, how confrontational should we be towards our sinful culture? Where is the balance between grace and salt (Col. 4:6)?

Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2001, All Rights Reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation

“How do you explain your marriage?”

That was my question to Dr. and Mrs. Howard Hendricks as they sat on the hot seat at a Saturday luncheon with the leadership of our church several years ago.

In spite of their active and pressured life as seminary professor, conference speakers, church leaders, authors, parents of four, mentors to scores, they had one of the neatest relationships I had ever seen.

Slowly but deliberately, “Prof” leaned into the microphone:

“Jean and I have two unconditional commitments.
We are unconditionally committed to Christ as Lord.
We are unconditionally committed to each other.”

That was it! We sat hushed and stunned. Is it that simple? Is it that profound? What a challenge!

While an unconditional commitment to a spouse may include several components, very close to the top of the list is the commitment to manage each other’s expectation in a biblical and constructive manner. And it is critical to constructing any strong and stable relationship.

Every relationship involves expectations, whether it’s at “Home,” at “Church,” at “Work,” or even in the neighbourhood.

When you enter marriage, you have expectations of your spouse and your spouse has expectations of you. In your parenting, you have expectations of your children and your children have expectations of you.

It’s true on your job, at your bank, in your neighbourhood, at the fitness centre, on the highway, in the classroom.

When you join a church, sit on the church board, chair the mission’s committee, sponsor the youth program, teach a Sunday school class, prepare the church bulletin, usher at Sunday services, share on the worship team, serve in the nursery, expectations are always involved. It works both ways: your expectations of others and their expectations of you.

How we manage those expectations will largely determine the character and quality of those relationships. This, in turn, dictates the direction and quality of our lives.

In his book Little House on The Freeway, Tim Kimmel identified four characteristics of a home with peace. One of the four: “They discipline their expectations.”

Bob Biehl is a much appreciated author and speaker on Christian management. He writes concerning expectations: “All miscommunications are the result of differing assumptions.”

A number of years ago I was invited to teach a summer course at my alma mater, Dallas Theological Seminary, on the subject Premarriage Counselling and Marriage Enrichment in the Local Church. Dr. Mitchell of Arizona taught a course on Conflict Management in the Local Church. On Wednesday afternoon we went for a walk - my opportunity to glean from his vast experience of years in Christian leadership ministries.

I asked him what he had learned from the 35 pastors and Christian workers in his class. He told me that he had asked each one to give him a brief account of their most recent major conflict. I was most curious to hear the report. All but one were in conflict with their Board of elders.

Was their a common thread? You bet! In every case it was over ‘Expectations.’ Either their expectations of the elders or the elder’s expectations of them.

I found this remarkable because that very Wednesday morning I had devoted a major part of my class time insisting that students in my class would never officiate at a wedding without first conducting a premarriage course, preparing a couple for marriage. Why? A primary function of pre-marriage counselling and planning is to adjust unrealistic expectations and express assumed expectations so that the couple can commit themselves to agreed-upon realistic expectations.

The evidence is overwhelming. We are not doing well when it comes to Managing Expectations.

The Mismanagement Of Expectations

When expectations are poorly managed, four negative emotions emerge, any one of which can be destructive in any relationship.

Two of these emotions, anger and sadness may be the feeling of the person whose expectations are not being fulfilled; you or your spouse, your pastor, your colleague, or any person with whom you have a relationship where their expectations are poorly managed. The other two emotions, anxiety and shame, may be the feelings of the person who is trying to meet the expectations of another individual.

ANGER: When people are prevented from seeing their expectations realized, they often respond with anger. A Christian leader may be angry with you, his congregation or board because you or they are perceived as the obstacle preventing him from seeing a goal fulfilled.

A teenager may be angry with a parent who blocks the way to seeing an expectation realized.

A spouse can become resentful and angry with his or her partner who stands in the way of a dream coming true.

SADNESS: While it is much less intense, it is no less hurtful. When the expectations of your partner, your friend, your colleague, your child are simply lost, ignored or forgotten in the busyness and frenzy of your life, there is sadness and a feeling of being unappreciated. In either case these feelings can erode and corrupt any relationship. They are the soil that produces a harvest of hurt.

ANXIETY: This can become your emotional pitfall. You may feel this way when you are uncertain of what exactly someone’s expectations are. They won’t talk, They say, if you really cared, you would know! But you don’t know. You find yourself saying, “What does he/she really want?” “They give me a job but never tell me what they expect. They just complain.”

SHAME: When it is clear you have failed to meet the expectations of the other person you feel embarrassed, ashamed, unworthy. Children often struggle with this emotion when they come to the conclusion they can never please their parents.

For these reasons alone we must endeavour to cultivate some skills and strategies for becoming better managers of our expectations and the expectations of people who mean a great deal to us. Some lessons can be learned from two familiar biblical incidents.

Two Biblical Examples

In Genesis 24, Abraham sends his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac. In commissioning his servant, several expectations were clearly expressed: *from his home country, *from among his relatives, *offer her gifts of gold, jewellery and fine clothing, *leaving her home and travelling to where Isaac lived, *the Lord’s guidance. The servant, although in an inferior position to Abraham, begins some negotiating: *What if she won’t leave home? *He offers an alternative. Abraham rejects the alternative and clarifies his expectations. The servant steps out confidently, conscious of his master’s expectations and in due process is able to fully meet them! That’s how relationships grow deep and strong. That’s how one can maintain stability in any relationship.

Acts 13-15 relates the unhappy account of Mark’s defection from the mission of Paul and Barnabas (15:37). We are never told why Mark left. It’s pure speculation but I seriously wonder if it was a matter of expectations. Did Paul ever spell out to Mark his expectations of him in various categories: *duties required, *length of the term Mark would be with them, etc. Was Mark given the opportunity to negotiate his responsibilities?

While I can’t be sure of Mark, I know for sure it has been the primary reason why missionaries leave after their first term on the mission field and never return. In recent years missionary organizations have recognized this and have sought to address the problem by requiring an extensive preparation program before missionaries are sent to a foreign country. They need to know what to expect, what will be expected of them, what kind of co-workers to expect, etc. etc. Why do pastors leave churches prematurely and disillusioned? Why do marriages struggle? Why do families struggle? When expectations are assumed, never expressed, when they are imposed, never negotiated, when they are ignored or unrealistic, there is suffering, trouble and sometimes failure in one way or another.

I want to suggest a model that will help make a difference in any and every relationship. You will be able to locate on it exactly where you are in any particular relationship. You will be able to see how you got to where you are in that relationship as well as see how to change the dynamics of that relationship and bring stability to it.

Expectations

To manage expectations well we begin with recognizing three essential characteristics of expectations.

1. They Must Be Expressed

Someone has concluded that 80 % of our expectations are assumed
– never really expressed.

Consider for a moment one of your relationships. How many expectations have you actually expressed and discussed? You see – most are assumed.

During a week long summer conference a few years ago a young lady asked, one afternoon, if we could have a talk. She had been married for several years, long enough to accumulate a list of complaints against her husband. When I asked her if she had ever expressed these to her husband, her quick reply was; “Oh, he knows alright.” In a later conversation with her husband it became apparent that many of the criticisms were a surprise. She was sure he knew, but she had never clearly expressed them to him.

When my wife and I arrived at a church for a Bible conference we were met by a pastor who was heart-broken, dejected and a little angry. He had just resigned a day earlier. It was the fall-out from his recent annual review by the church board at which time his wife had been strongly criticized. What hurt most was the fact that they had never once expressed any of their expectations of his wife when he was hired. Now, in his review, he was hit hard. “It just isn’t fair,” he said. And it isn’t! You can’t complain about unfulfilled expectations that have never been expressed.

Interest magazine (July/August 1994) reported on a Lutheran bishop in North Dakota who sent out to his parishioners a list of 112 action verbs and asked them to circle the ones they felt were most important for a leader to be doing.

He received 332 returns.

Some verbs usually associated with leadership didn’t make the top ten: administration (12th), teach (23rd), lead (24th). What they wanted spiritual leaders to do was to pray (5th), love (4th), inspire (3rd), encourage (2nd) and listen (1st).

You may not agree with another person’s expectations, but you do need to understand what they expect. Don’t guess-so, know-so! Ask and listen! Give the person the opportunity to express. On the other hand, you have expectations. Don’t withhold them. Don’t be silent. Express them.

When it comes to expressing expectations, it is most helpful to discuss one category at a time. An open-ended question like, “What are your expectations?” is a non-starter. Identify a single category and focus on it alone.

Here are some suggested categories in five major relationships. Remember, you want to work on the ones which are appropriate, one at a time.

A. Husband/Wife Expectations
1. Time together	4. Money management
2. Home responsibilities	5. Sexual relationship
3. Prayer and Bible devotions together	6. Parenting
B. Parent/Child Expectations
1. Allowances	5. Use of car/telephone
2. Home chores	6. Homework
3. Television/Leisure time/Sports activities	7. Dating/Curfew
4. Church attendance/Devotions/Music	8. Clothing/Dress
C. Elders/Pastoral Staff Expectations
1. Office time/Schedule	8. Gender issues
2. Appropriate dress standards	9. Community time
3. Prayer partnership	10.Vacation/Leisure time
4. Attendance at meetings	11.Continuing education
5. Salary	12.Social activities
6. Expenses	13.Integrity issues
7. Spouse’s responsibility	14. Mentoring/Review
D. Leadership/Congregation Expectations
1. What do you understand to be the expectations members of your church have of you?
2. What are the specific expectation you have of individual believers who come to associate with your church?
E. Employer/Employee/Colleague etc.
1. Time	5. Confidentiality
2. Responsibilities: Workload/Social	6. Punctuality
3. Money	7. Dress
4. Education/Training/Mentoring

In his book, Lincoln on Leadership (p. 45), Donald Phillips quotes part of a letter written by the President to General Hooker relating a conversation they had together late in the civil war.

“What I now ask of you is military success…The government will support you to the utmost of its ability…I shall assist you, as far as I can…And now, beware of rashness. Beware of rashness, but with energy and sleepless vigilance, go forth and give us victories.”

Phillips comments on the letter,

“Contemporary leaders can learn an important lesson from this letter. For here, in one bold stroke, Lincoln told Hooker exactly what he thought of him (both good and bad) and precisely what he expected. He offered support and assistance, he encouraged his general to take the initiative and do the right thing. Then Lincoln gave Hooker the letter so that he could take it with him and ponder their conversation more thoroughly. Here was Lincoln the leader at his best.”

The lesson: Express exactly what you expect!

Carson Pue, President of Arrow Leadership Ministries, in his book Mentoring Leaders (156-57) writes:

‘When we at Arrow desired to hire a personal assistant to the president, we created a very accurate role description for the position. However Mr. Jim Postlewaite, who was working with me at the time, asked me for a list of what I was looking for in an assistant beyond the actual tasks that needed to be accomplished (the feelings, emotions side of the search). After a few days I provided him a list of what I wanted in an executive assistant. I wanted someone who:

·         anticipates my next move

·         takes initiative

·         is loyal to me and Arrow

·         presents well on paper—both writing content and layout

·         makes a great first impression

·         is a problem solver

·         is confident

·         is at his best when I am at my worst

·         has an “up” attitude

·         gets along with the other team members

·         has traveled and understands hotels and flights, etc.

·         is secure when I am away from the office

·         can produce when given a task – job delegated, job done!

·         can make me look good

·         is an encouragement to me – encouraging words and prayer support

In the course of my ministry years, I have seen dozens of job descriptions. This is only the second one I have seen that even addresses the question of expectations. Most churches and businesses have difficulty providing such a list because the leadership or board members have never discussed them or can’t agree on them. It is simply not fair to bring a person to a position for which they have responsibility and not provide them with a list of exactly what’s expected.

2. They Must Be Realistic

A cute comic strip, “Between Friends, pictures two young ladies talking together at a restaurant. One says to her friend, “Every time I see my therapist, I tell him that men don’t understand me, and every time I say that he tells me my expectations are unrealistic. Then yesterday, after years of therapy it suddenly clicked!” Her friend asks, “That he’s right?” “No, that he’s a man and he doesn’t understand me either.”

The fact remains, some expectation are just that – unrealistically high. So what can we do then?

In the “Pardon My Planet” cartoon, an earnest young man is speaking in candlelight to a young lady and says, “From the day you marry me I’ll spend the rest of my life making your dreams come true. ‘Till then, I’ll work myself to the bone trying to lower your expectations.”

The objective, of course, is not to lower expectations. It is simply to make them realistic. Unrealistic ones that are unachievable only set us up to fail.

She was a young excited bride-to-be eagerly anticipating married life with her fiancé. In a burst of enthusiasm, in the midst of one of our pre-marriage counselling sessions, she exclaimed, “I can’t wait until we get married and we can be together all the time!” Immediately the lights went on. “Hold it! Wait a minute! You mean that’s your expectation of married life?” Simply unrealistic. If the record isn’t set straight right now, they are heading for some rough water ahead. Managing expectations involves having expectations that are realistic.

A full-time pastoral leader recently called me. It was a distress call. He had just received a review from the leadership in his home church – elders who were caring and very supportive. In the course of his review they encouraged him to continue to develop his preaching skills and style. (Hat’s off to the elders here!) But he was distressed. Why? He was expected to prepare three new sermons a week, while carrying a full load of administration , counselling and visiting responsibilities. Simply unrealistic!!

We all have limitations: time, physical strength, training, skills, facilities, education, personality, experience, finances and a dozen more. That’s what makes some expectations unrealistic. So, what do you do?

My wife and a good friend were having lunch together when her friend lamented over the conflict she and her husband were having with their adult children. Due to circumstances of school and finances the 22 year old and 25 year old were living with them. The friend felt she was doing all the mother-chores for the adult children who were taking some advantage of her, showing little respect and taking on little responsibility. She and her husband were exhausted and frustrated.

So, in an act of desperation, the parents created a list of “expectations” - they called them rules – curfews, lunches, laundry etc. etc. They laid it all out – “If you are going to live in our home, this is what we expect.” It seemed quite reasonable to the parents. But with the children it was horrible. The son stormed out of the room stating he was moving out if he had to comply with them. The daughter raced out of the room and fled to her bedroom crying. “We are in a turmoil,” said her friend. What went wrong? What can we do?

My wife replied, “You made an excellent first step – writing down and presenting your expectations. However, you failed to do the second important step – give a person an opportunity to do some negotiations.”

When confronted with expectations that are being placed upon you, you have three options. You can say; “I’ll do it to the best of my ability.” Or you can say; “I’m sorry, I just can’t do it,” and explain the limitations that prevent that. But, there is a third option.” You can say; “Can we negotiate?” Managing expectations well, often requires some negotiation. This is the third essential.

3. They May Need To Be Negotiated

With negotiation, unrealistic expectations can be transformed into realistic expectations.

Here is a simple strategy for negotiating expectations:

a) Identify the issue, problem, area of conflict.

b) Choose the category. For example, it could be time spent together. Narrow it down to the conflict point:

“We miss having you home for supper.”

“I miss our date nights.” “We haven’t had a date night for weeks.”

“We need time to talk.”

“I am feeling very alone when it comes to family decisions.”

c) Express your differing expectations re: the category you have chosen. Take turns, being sure to listen to each other. It might even be wise to write the expectations down.

d) Focus on the problem, not the person. Sentences should begin with
“I think,” “I feel.” Don’t start sentences with “You!”

e) Take time listening and speaking with a Christian attitude.

Phil. 2:2-4; Make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one heart and purpose. (NLT)

Be selfless, sacrificial and serving.

Eph. 4:25-32: So put away all falsehood and “tell your neighbour the truth” because we belong to each other. And don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you, Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil…. Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he is the one who has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behaviour. Instead, be kind to each other, tender-hearted, forgiving one another just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (NLT)

Speak the truth (25)

Settle your differences quickly (26-27)

Speak constructively (29)

f) Work toward a compromise. Adjust, revise, reject, create until you can agree on your expectations in the category you have chosen. They are now expressed and realistic! Write them down (just in case someone forgets!)

g) Reinforce each other’s positive fulfilment of the expectations.

Re-evaluate regularly. It may require a little adjusting before you get it right.

Done over a period of time, you will soon establish a set of specific expectations for a variety of areas that have been clearly expressed. You have agreed on them. You have committed yourself to do them. You are accountable for them.

It must always be remembered, however, that some expectations are non negotiable. Certain legal, moral and biblical directives fall into this company. Parents, for example, can negotiate curfew hours, but never underage drinking or immoral conduct. Biblical absolutes are just that – absolutes!

Roles/Responsibilities

The scripture identifies a variety of roles in our society today. In Ephesians 5:22-6:9 there is the husband, wife, parent, child, slave (employee) and master (employer). In 1 Peter

As a father, my responsibility is not to exasperate my children (Eph. 6:4). Children are different. What exasperates one, may motivate another. This is where expectations come in.

As a husband I am to live with my wife in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). That is in the light of my understanding of her. Wives are different. What my wife needs from me may be very different from what your wife
needs from you. This is where expectations come in.

As a Christian leader I am to manage my family well, be above reproach, have a good reputation. As a Christian businessman, I am to be a person of integrity. What do these and many more biblical directives involve?

There is a sense in which our responsibilities in relationships are not fully defined until we have a clear set of agreed upon expectations. Then, and only then do I know my responsibilities.

Stability

What an amazing place to be in any relationship. Managing expectations is the price of peace in a marriage, a family, a business and a church. This may be an oversimplification, but I have often traced major “wars” between a husband and wife, parents and a child, members in a congregation, pastoral leaders and elders to the mismanagement of expectations.

When this problem is addressed and negotiated it can go a long way toward peace in a home or at a church.

On numerous occasions my wife and I have been enjoying a meal in a restaurant with some friends when a problem surfaces that they want to address. In most cases it relates to expectations between them, with their children or with a colleague. I reach for the paper napkin and sketch out this model for managing expectations. Why? When you understand and are meeting each other’s expectations, you will have peace!

But that won’t continue forever!

Change

More than ever before, we are convinced today of the reality of three things in life; death, taxes and change. Change will come and it will affect your expectations.

Just consider a few such changes: the first child, an unexpected fourth child, a visit from the in-laws, grandparent moving in, a layoff at work, moving from a two career family to an one career family or visa versa, the results of a medical test, a child obtaining a driver’s license, leaving home for college, getting married, promotion at work, new responsibilities at church, retirement and a hundred more.

Any one of these changes will require some adjustment in your expectations. How will you know? You will feel a pinch in the relationship.

Pinch

It’s not a crisis. It’s not an explosion. It’s not a meltdown. It’s just a pinch. The change makes it less possible to meet the expectations that you have been meeting in one category or another. Or, it makes you feel as though your expectations are being ignored, neglected or overlooked. You feel short-changed. Something is different in the relationship.

This is when you ask yourself, your spouse, your child, your colleague, your associate: “Is there anything going on in our relationship right now, which, if it continues, will drive us apart in some way.” Expectations in one or more categories are not being met the way they once were. Why?

This is what we call a “CHOICE POINT.” Don’t ignore it in the interest of peace-keeping. You will only create a pseudo-peace. It will be artificial and superficial. Unless you identify the problem and address it, you certainly will drift apart. You will build up frustration and anger, become bitter and watch the relationship deteriorate.

An unforgettable Candid Camera’s episode illustrates the point. An undercover actor enters a diner, sits at the counter beside a person eating a hamburger and french-fries. He quickly reaches over and helps himself to a french-fry off the person’s plate. The neighbour notices it, frowns, but turns away and ignores it. Another fry is taken, eaten, then another. No reaction from the neighbour, just frowns, scowls, disgusted looks. Several different neighbours were subjected to the same treatment. Not one person said anything. They internalized their frustrations and irritation. They obviously wanted to keep the peace but it was a pseudo-peace. Underneath there was lots of agitation. This type of thing is relived in real life over and over again.

Don’t ignore the pinch. Something is gong on which will drive you apart if you don’t do anything about it. Something has changed and it’s affecting your relationship. You are trying to keep the peace but you are slowly losing it.

So what do you do when you feel the pinch? You go back to the first line; EXPECTATIONS. Identify the category which has been affected by the change in your life. It could be time spent together, curfew, sermon preparation time, or any one of the categories you came up with when you deal with expectations. Now you renegotiate the expectations in that category.

Some years ago, Marilyn and I conducted a Marriage Enrichment weekend with a group of professional couples. One session was devoted to Managing Expectations. At the end of the day we were driven to the home of our hosts. We had barely settled into the back seat when the woman said; “Well, that explains it!” What explains what we wondered? She began to pour out her heart to us. She and her husband had been married 30 years earlier, just as he had finished his doctoral program. A significant career followed, the birth of children and church leadership . She regretfully confessed that she had never adjusted her expectations of her husband. With some complaining, she had absorbed the pressures. It was a pseudo-peace.

The “Pinch” is a CHOICE POINT. It’s the time for a PLANNED RENEGOTIATION. Do not renegotiate every category of “Expectations,” just the expectations affected by the life-change at that time.

I mentioned this at a summer conference a few years ago. After the service a couple introduced themselves to me – both physicians. I smiled and guessed that they had lots of experience in trying to manage their expectations. Was I in for a surprise!! They told me that early in their marriage they had agreed upon a set of expectations for several critical areas of their life. They had been married for 5 years and every year they had sat down together and revised those expectations. I was very impressed. I commended them highly. Then, I suggested that they would find it more helpful to revise at the time of a change that’s affecting a certain expectation rather than at the start of a new year.

What if you don’t do it then?

xxx Disruptions xxx

Disruptions occur because of the violation of expectations. Anxiety, resentment, blaming, guilt, anger, bitterness are just some of the unhealthy fruits.

Far too often, this is when the pastor or marriage/family counsellor enters the picture. There have been months, even years of mismanaged expectations. There are emotional bruises and scars, shattered dreams, devastated self images.

This brings us to the second CHOICE POINT.

Crunch

At this point a person has at least four options:

1. EXIT: We may choose to terminate the relationship. It is generally hurtful, resentful, painful, even a devastating conclusion. In marriage it is a divorce. In family it’s a moving out. In our work it’s a resignation. In ministry it’s leaving a church. Often it’s unbiblical. Never is it easy. It may actually be unnecessary because there is a better option.

2. QUIT AND STAY: We may choose to stay in the relationship but withdraw from any ownership, participation and responsibility. The husband or wife quits the marriage but stays until the children have all left home. The couple quits the church but decide to stay in the church for the sake of the children who love the youth ministry. The teenager quits the family but stays in the home until he/she leaves for work or college. The elder or Sunday school teacher withdraws from participation – just fulfills their term but no joy in ministry. Every case is a sad, pathetic story – settling for so much less when there is a better option.

3. FORGIVE AND FORGET: This is the option most Christians choose when the situation is not too serious. We may go back to the second line in our model – ROLES AND RESPONSIBILITIES. We review our biblical roles and responsibilities, face up to the fact that we have failed to live up to them, apologize, ask for forgiveness and promise to try harder. The problems have not been settled or addressed and we probably will be shortly repeating the cycle through the PINCH down to the CRUNCH again.

This is a PREMATURE RECONCILIATION. It’s a reconciliation for sure, but has the cause actually been addressed? Too often they are setting themselves up for a repeat breakdown in the relationship. This is a poor solution because there is a better option.

4. The PRESSURED RENEGOTIATION: This is the fourth and preferred choice. It requires returning to the top line of our model and renegotiating expectations. Not all of them, just the categories affected by the changes and disruptions creating the crisis.

Check the completed model on the following page.

Did you notice the two CHOICE POINTS: PINCH and CRUNCH? Which of the two is the preferred choice point? Of course, it’s at the PINCH in any relationship. Recognize it and act on it. Don’t wait for the CRUNCH!! It’s so much more painful and difficult. Avoid it at all costs.

Did you notice there are three strategies?

PLANNED RENEGOTIATION

PREMATURE RECONCILIATION

PRESSURED RENEGOTIATION

Which of the three is preferred? Of course, it’s the PLANNED RENEGOTIAION. The PREMATURE RECONCILIATION doesn’t eliminate the cause. The PRESSURED RENEGOTIATION is acting with an ultimatum on the table. So much better to plan to renegotiate any expectations affected by a life-change at the time of the life-change. That’s really being smart!!

Think about a relationship which you are in – whether at home, at work or at church. Where do you place yourself on the Expectations model? If you are at STABILITY, then you know why you are there – you have in one way or another expressed and negotiated the expectations pertaining to that relationship and for the most part those expectations are being met. If you are at the PINCH you don’t have to stay there – you know what to do. Change has come into the relationship. Think about the category that has been affected by that life-change. Now renegotiate those expectations. Many relationships today are feeling the CRUNCH. They find themselves in a desperate situation not knowing where to turn. Now there is hope. Don’t QUIT, QUIT AND STAY or just FORGIVE AND FORGET. Go back to the EXPECTATIONS, think through the categories where the relationship is falling apart and renegotiate those expectations.

Here is the goal in all of our lives:

Unity and Stability in the church. This is God’s ideal as we see in Ephesians 4:1-6

Harmony and Stability in the home. This is God’s ideal, as well, and in Ephesians 5:21 – 6:4 we see the critical factors to achieve this.

Harmony and Stability in the workplace. Ephesians 6:5-9 offers the critical factors, once again.

Unfulfilled Expectations

Not only do men and women have different expectations, they often handle unfulfilled expectations differently. Take wives for example. Martie Stowell in Promises Promises (p, 177) writes;

“A wife has assumptions about time with her husband, about money, about meals and about the children. Her husband has different assumptions. So every time he acts in some way that differs from her assumptions, she feels as though he has broken a promise to her.”

The effect; she feels betrayed and crushed. This, of course, is not really the case. What has happened here? There has been a failure to express, discuss, negotiate and agree upon a set of expectations in these categories. Think of the damage done when a wife thinks her husband has broken a promise. This can all be avoided through better management of expectations.

How do men, characteristically, handle unfulfilled expectations? They feel personal rejection. They feel neglected and usually withdraw or become aggressive and redirect their energy to their job, sports or hobby. This can all be avoided also! Now you know how to do it!!

What About Our God Relationship?

After all, our relationship with God is the most important of all. It is our primary relationship affecting every other relationship. Understanding and meeting expectations are as important in our relationship with God as with one another.

The Bible makes an important distinction between being a creature of God and a child of God. We are all His creatures; every breath we breathe is a gift from our Creator. Speaking of God’s Son, Jesus, coming into this world of humanity, John 1:11 says; “He came unto his own and his own received him not.” Then verse 12 says; “Yet to all who receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.”

That’s the difference. Children of God have personally received Christ into their life, recognizing He is the Son of God who died to pay the penalty for their sin. This is what God expects.

When we receive Christ into our life, turning from our sin, trusting Him to become our Saviour, we are delivered from the penalty of our sin. We are committing ourselves to be one of Christ’s followers. That’s what God expects of us. That person becomes a child of God.

1 John 5:12 – “He who has the Son has life. He who does not have the Son of God does not have life.”

What can followers of Christ expect of God? Forgiveness; a personal relationship with God as our Father; a new life with the joy of the Lord, the peace of God, the guidance and energizing of the Holy Spirit, the privilege of prayer, a new freedom and ultimately a home in heaven.

If you have never received Jesus Christ personally into your life perhaps this prayer from The Four Spiritual Laws will help to guide you.

“Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins, I open the door of my life and receive You as my Saviour and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.”

Some Questions For Discussion

1. What category of expectations is most problematic to you?
2. How can you initiate a discussion on expectations?
3. How can we initiate a discussion on expectations with a person who isn’t ready to express, discuss, negotiate?
4. How do you negotiate with a person who is in a position of authority or power over you?
5. How do you handle unfulfilled expectations?
6. What unrealistic expectations are you struggling with today?
7. Discuss together some realistic expectations of God, followers of Christ can have. Then, discuss some of our unrealistic expectations.

A simple short video to give you an overview of the NET Bible Drawer

How does the Drawer work?

On any article look for this icon on the upper right:

You can either click on it or drag it towards the center of the page to open the drawer.  The Drawer can be set to any size width.

1 - Click on this to select different books and chapters.

2 - Place a term in the search box to find a specific verse.

3 - If you have a note for a verse you will see this icon.

4 - Click on a note number to have the note pop up at the bottom in the red box.

5 - View the note and when you are done click on the red x in the upper right or choose another book/chapter to make the note go away.

Click on any word within a verse and the Add Note icon will appear.  Click on this to add a note to that verse.

You can edit the note by clicking on the pencil icon or you can delete it by clicking on the trash can.

To get back to the drawer just click the word Bible in the upper left.

Click on the book and chapter listed at the top of the drawer and the navigation box will appear. From here you can select the book and chapter that you want to go to.