When it comes to God’s will, two things are usually in view: God’s decree and God’s desire. Everything that happens, happens according to God’s decree; but not all is done according to his desire. When someone says, “This must have been God’s will,” referring to something that has already happened, they are usually speaking of his decree. When they say, “It is God’s will for you to do such and such,” they are speaking of his desire.

Now, the trick is trying to determine what God’s desire is. Many today think they see it in their experience, devoid of scriptural guidance. But the Bible is very clear that God’s desire for us is to be found in the Word of God. “This is God’s will for you, that you abstain from sexual immorality” (1 Thess 4:4); “this is the will of God, namely: do not get drunk with wine... but be filled by the Spirit” (Eph 5:18). These are the texts that speak of God’s desire. It is always right to obey them; whether it is right to follow one’s hunches or emotions is a different matter. But if such are in line with Scripture, it may be the prompting of the Holy Spirit (cf. John 10:27—”My sheep hear my voice”). God’s will is to be found in the Scriptures. There are over 200 commands in the New Testament alone. We need not look far to find out what God’s will is.

In our sexually-oriented and very secular society, this is an important question and one that needs solid biblical direction. I won’t attempt to answer this myself, because this has been addressed in a number of books. One such book is one by Josh McDowell. This book was written for teenagers but I think it can help because it would deal with principles that are applicable to any age. It’s called, “Why Wait?: What You Need to Know About the Teen Sexuality Crisis,” by Josh McDowell and Dick Day. You can order it from www.amazon.com. Also, “Why Wait: A Christian View of Premarital Sex,” by Scazoni.

In addition to these, I would highly recommend that you check out an excellent web site that is specifically devoted to contemporary issues from a biblical perspective. It’s www.probe.org. Use their search engine and do a search for “premarital sex” and you will get a lot of hits. Here you will find one article specifically devoted to this issue. It called, “Why Wait Till Marriage?” by Jimmy Williams and revised by Jerry Solomon.

There are different areas of relationships (dating, marriage, church, friendship, etc.), but for a relationship to be biblical, it must be in accord with the teaching of Scripture. The word, “biblical” is an adjective and simply describes the relationship as one that meets the criterion of the Bible as it defines, describes, and delineates the principles that should characterize any relationship. For instance, in dating, it would be a relationship that was between two believers and one that was sexually pure, free from fornication and the kind of sexual looseness that characteizes our society in general. In marriage, it would be a relationship that followed the truths of passages like Ephesians 5:22f and 1 Peter 3:1-7.

The Bible teaches us that God Himself designed sex and sexual intimacy including intercourse for man’s blessing and enjoyment in addition to procreation. But the Bible is equally firm in teaching that this is to be confined to marriage where two people are committed to each other.

In the general context of Scripture, such intimate acts outside of marriage are wrong because it can excite both partners so that it breaks down their defenses. Scripture does not need to say, ‘thou shalt not kiss or engage in heavy petting unless married’ in order for it to be contrary to God’s will and wisdom. But in this case, there are plenty of passages that clearly apply. For instance, we are warned against flirting with temptation. The biblical and godly response for those who care about the other person and about God’s will and desire to please Him is to flee temptation. This is a command in Scripture. Compare the following:

Now flee from youthful lusts, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart (2 Tim. 2:22).

Contrary to the claims of our president about sex, kissing and heavy petting is sexual and a part of the sexual relationship of intimacy called foreplay. In discussing the beauty of sexual intimacy and how it can be a magnet that protects us from adultery, the writer of Proverbs had the following to say … and note in this he is talking about one’s wife:

Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love. 20 For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress, And embrace the bosom of a foreigner? (Prov. 5:18-20).

But then note what follows:

For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the Lord, And He watches all his paths. 22 His own iniquities will capture the wicked, And he will be held with the cords of his sin (Prov. 5:21-22).

Yes, heavy petting is sin apart from the marriage bond. We may try to rationalize and explain away the need for moral purity and avoiding temptation, but God not only sees all we do and think, but He declares that such foolish behavior has destructive and dominating consequences. This type of personal intimacy is self-centered outside of marriage. It uses others for selfish and exploitative purposes, and not only can it get out of hand, but can become explosive. Heavy petting is a part of foreplay and is designed to arouse sexual desire in preparation for intercourse—something that is to be saved for marriage.

God says, “flee temptation,” but this is flirting with temptation. And Christ tells us that if a man even looks on a woman with a view to fornication, it is the same as committing the act. Such behavior outside of marriage shows that a one’s primary focus is sexual and selfish rather than a spiritual/soul relationship in which you get to know the other person and are concerned about what is best for them.

We can know how God feels about this subject because He has clearly spoken of the dangers and evils of sex outside of marriage in any form. Listen to what Scripture says in 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8.

4:1 Finally then, brethren, we request and exhort you in the Lord Jesus, that, as you received from us instruction as to how you ought to walk and please God (just as you actually do walk), that you may excel still more. 2 For you know what commandments we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. 3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, 5 not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; 6 and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. 7 For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. 8 Consequently, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.

For a detailed study on this passage see An Exegetical and Devotional Commentary on 1 Thessalonians on our web site. Also there are a number of books on the market that deal with a Christian perspective of dating and building relationships that would be helpful if you are sincere in desiring to please the Lord in this area. One such book is Why Wait?: What You Need to Know About the Teen Sexual Crisis, by Josh McDowell.