7. Foundation Seven: Financial Faithfulness In Marriage
Related MediaHow can couples practice financial faithfulness in marriage? Many Christian couples give their tithe and offering to God but act like the rest is theirs. However, this is an incorrect use of finances. Psalm 24:1 says, “The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it.” Crucial to financial faithfulness is recognizing that God is the owner, and we are simply stewards who will one day give an account (cf. Lk 19:15, Matt 25:19-20). When God created the earth, his intention was for humanity to rule over it under his dominion. To use his resources as though they were ours alone will always lead to unfaithfulness. Because of this predominant mindset among married couples, there is a constant misuse of finances, leading to financial stress.
Financial stress is one of the top reasons for marital conflict and divorce. This was never God’s will. It was God’s will for finances to be a source of blessing and a door for his overflowing grace in each marriage (cf. 1 Cor 9:6-11). But to be faithful and reap the blessings of God, couples must understand and follow God’s plan for their finances.
How can couples practice financial faithfulness in marriage?
In Order to Be Financially Faithful, Couples Must Use Their Wealth to Win Souls for Christ
In Luke 16, Christ taught a parable to his disciples about wealth, to help them be faithful with it. We will consider this parable and apply it to married couples. This is what Christ said in Luke 16:1-13:
“There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions. So he called him in and asked him, ‘What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be manager any longer.’ “The manager said to himself, ‘What shall I do now? My master is taking away my job. I’m not strong enough to dig, and I’m ashamed to beg— I know what I’ll do so that, when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses.’ “So he called in each one of his master’s debtors. He asked the first, ‘How much do you owe my master?’ “‘Eight hundred gallons of olive oil,’ he replied. “The manager told him, ‘Take your bill, sit down quickly, and make it four hundred.’ “Then he asked the second, ‘And how much do you owe?’ “‘A thousand bushels of wheat,’ he replied. “He told him, ‘Take your bill and make it eight hundred.’ “The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light. I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings. “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own? “No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.”
Christ shared the story of an unjust steward who was misusing the master’s money and, therefore, was going to be fired. Because of this, the steward devised a plan to provide for himself when he lost his job. The steward approached his master’s debtors and gave them a discount, with the hope that they would provide for him when he lost his job. It almost appears as though Christ is praising this steward’s dishonesty, but he is not. He praises his “shrewdness”. This steward realized his future was uncertain and acted prudently to prepare for it.
Christ paralleled this with the Christian’s preparation for eternity. Essentially, he said, in the same way the world seeks to provide for their earthly future (through storing up for retirement, making business connections, etc.), Christians must use worldly wealth to “gain friends” who will welcome them into “eternal dwellings” (v. 9).
What does he mean by eternal dwellings? Obviously, he was referring to heaven. Christ understood that to reach people with the gospel, money is needed. For churches to run and reach people in their neighborhood, it takes money. To send missionaries to other countries with the gospel, it costs money. Ministry work costs money. In fact, the Bible teaches those who “preach the gospel should get their living from the gospel” (1 Cor 9:14), meaning our teachers, pastors, and missionaries should be compensated for their work.
But not only was Christ stressing the need for Christians to give money to spread the gospel, he also was giving insight into a faithful steward’s entrance into heaven. Christians who sacrificially give their money to advance the work of the gospel will be richly welcomed into heaven. People from other nations will surround them saying, “Through your support of this ministry, I accepted Christ and my family as well. Thank you.” It seems that in heaven people will have a profound knowledge of what others did for the kingdom (cf. Matt 5:19, Rev 6:9). This shouldn’t be a surprise, since those who do great things on earth are similarly honored. Days are named after them, streets, buildings, etc., and it seems to be similar in heaven. Those who generously give to advance the kingdom will be greatly welcomed and honored.
This should be the desire of every Christian couple. Christ commanded Christians to make friends in eternal dwellings by using their “worldly wealth” (v. 9). This is a calling that couples in developed nations can especially be fruitful in because of the amount of resources available to them.
With that said, Paul shared how the Macedonian churches, even though they were extremely poor, participated in this ministry as well. In 2 Corinthians 8:1-5, he said:
And now, brothers, we want you to know about the grace that God has given the Macedonian churches. Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity. For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability. Entirely on their own, they urgently pleaded with us for the privilege of sharing in this service to the saints. And they did not do as we expected, but they gave themselves first to the Lord and then to us in keeping with God’s will.
Consider the Macedonian’s wonderful testimony. In order to encourage the Corinthians to give, Paul told them about the Macedonian churches and their extreme generosity. He first clarifies their generosity came from a special work of God’s grace (v. 1). God did a work within their hearts, which enabled them to give generously, even beyond their ability (v. 3). In fact, they pleaded with Paul for the privilege of helping struggling saints (v. 4). Isn’t that amazing? They pleaded for the opportunity to give, even though they were poor themselves, and in this passage, they are forever memorialized for their sacrificial gifts.
That is what God desires for couples in marriage. He desires for them to sacrificially give to advance the kingdom. However, this is only possible if they, likewise, first give themselves to the Lord (v. 5). If couples hold back their lives, their passions, and their goals from God, then they will also hold back their wallets. When we give ourselves to the Lord, we will start to look more like him, being transformed from glory to glory (2 Cor 3:18). It was God who so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son (John 3:16). This sacrificial lifestyle of giving should also be seen in his followers as they seek his approval in their stewardship.
The first principle couples must practice to be faithful with finances is to use their wealth to win souls for Christ and to build God’s kingdom. Let us read our Lord’s words again, “use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings” (v. 9).
In Order to Be Financially Faithful, Couples Must Focus on God’s Reciprocal Blessings to Givers
After commanding his disciples to use their wealth to win souls, Christ gave them reasons why they should practice this. He says,
“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?
Luke 16:10
He essentially said that if the disciples were faithful with their money, God would richly reward them with “true riches” on earth and in heaven, but if they were unfaithful, he couldn’t trust them with more. We see this every day in our work world. A person starts working at a company with an entry level job. He works hard and is promoted by his manager. Good managers realize that those who are faithful with the small tasks will also be faithful with greater tasks. Therefore, they promote faithful workers and give them more responsibility. However, the unfaithful often lose responsibility and possibly their job. Similarly, God, our master, always watches how his children handle his money, and those who are faithful, he rewards with true riches.
What are the “true riches” God rewards his faithful stewards with? It probably refers, in part, to riches in heaven. In Matthew 6:19, Christ commanded Christians to store up riches in heaven that moth and rust cannot destroy. Similarly, in the Parable of the Minas, the faithful stewards received cities in the coming kingdom (Lk 19: 17, 19).
With that said, true riches refer to much more; it also refers to the discipleship of souls. Those who are faithful with money can be trusted with leading people, training them, caring for them, etc. This is part of the reason God requires elders to not love money and to run their own household well (1 Tim 3:3-4). Running one’s household well includes faithfulness with finances. If a person is unfaithful with finances, he will be an unfaithful steward of people. However, when one is faithful with finances, God can entrust him with discipleship opportunities.
Furthermore, true riches probably refer to understanding and teaching the Word of God. Those who are faithful stewards of money will be faithful stewards of God’s Word. And those who are not faithful will wrongly interpret and misuse Scripture.
Lastly, we gain more insight on “true riches” by considering Paul’s teaching about God’s promises to givers in 2 Corinthians 9:7-8. He says:
Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
What other riches are bestowed upon those who faithfully give to populate the kingdom?
- God promises to love those are who are cheerful givers (v. 7). One might ask, “Doesn’t God love everybody?” Certainly, but God only takes special pleasure in some (cf. James 2:23). He loves a cheerful giver—somebody who is happy to give. When we are liberal givers, we reflect God, which gives him great pleasure. This should be a motivation for couples.
God promises to give grace to meet all the needs of cheerful givers (v. 8). It says that God will make “all grace abound” so they have “all” they need. Many marriages struggle with lack simply because they are not faithful givers. In Malachi 2:8-9, God brings a curse on the Israelites as a consequence for robbing him in tithes and offerings. No doubt, many couples are similarly under a curse for robbing God.
- God promises to give grace to abound in “every good work” to cheerful givers. When he says there will be grace for “every good work,” that includes much of what we have already considered. God will grace them with souls to shepherd and a growing understanding of Scripture. He will even give them grace to have a healthy marriage. Surely, marriage is a “good work” that God wants to lavishly pour his grace upon.
A couple who faithfully uses their little (money) to build God’s kingdom will receive much (true riches). Through proper use of finances, a couple opens the door to an overflowing amount of grace given by God to and through their marriage. This principle is the door to great spiritual riches, great grace, and approval from God over a couple’s stewardship.
In Order to Be Financially Faithful, Couples Must Not Love Money
To be faithful with finances, couples must also not love money. The desire for wealth and success can pull people away from God and, therefore, pull marriages apart. After teaching his disciples about how to use their money, Christ warned them by saying this:
No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.
Luke 16:13
Christ wanted the disciples to be aware of the danger of loving money. Similarly, Paul warned his disciple Timothy. He said:
People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.
1 Timothy 6:9-10
Paul warned Timothy of the consequences of loving money. Many plunged themselves into ruin and destruction because of it. Some even wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with countless griefs. Certainly, this has happened to many marriages as well.
In order to be faithful stewards of God’s finances, couples must not love them. The apostle John said:
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world.
1 John 2:15-16
It is not that money or material possessions are necessarily bad in themselves. They are neutral; however, our hearts are bad. Our hearts are prone to ungodly cravings, lusts, and pride, which pull us away from God. And, when couples are pulled away from God, they will also be pulled away from one another.
It is good to think of marriage like a triangle. God is at the peak and the husband and wife are on opposite ends. The closer the husband and wife get towards God, the closer they will, by necessity, be with one another. But the farther they are away from God, the farther they will be from one another. Love for money and treasures have a tendency to pull couples away from God and from one another. Christ clearly said, “You cannot love both. You can only have one master.”
Unfortunately, many couples fail to heed this warning, leading to rotten fruits in their marriage. In many homes, the husband works long hours to provide a better living for the family. However, work keeps him from spending quality time with his wife and children, and it also keeps him from being involved in church. Slowly, money becomes his god, and it destroys his relationship with his family. Many times the wife shares the same lust for more. In order to have more or to maintain what they have, both mates work long hours and the children are neglected, creating bitterness, resentment, and anger in their hearts. For this reason, we are raising a generation of rebellious children who are apathetic towards spiritual things and disrespectful towards authority. The god of money is destroying the home and, therefore, society.
Why is this so common among families? It’s because riches have a tendency to deceive us. In the Parable of the Sower, Christ described the seed of the Word of God being sown into thorny ground. He said the worries of life and the “deceitfulness of wealth” choke the Word and make it unfruitful (Matt 13:22).
How do riches deceive people?
- Riches deceive people into thinking only more will satisfy. How much is enough? The answer always is, “Just a little more.” Therefore, people spend their lives trying to gain and find satisfaction in money and things, which only leave them unsatisfied.
- Riches deceive people by blinding them (cf. Matt 6:21-23) and distorting their values. People start to put career and securing wealth above God, family, and people. This is because they have been blinded by their greed. Many times this leads them to do anything to gain wealth including breaking the law and hurting people.
- Riches deceive people by promoting pride in those who possess it and insecurity in those who do not. The wealthy tend to exalt themselves and look disdainfully upon those who have less. In contrast, the poor often feel insecure and exalt the wealthy.
In order for couples to be faithful with their finances, they must not love money. Stress over money is one of the highest reasons for divorce because of its tendency to steal the hearts of one or both mates in marriage. Many in the church are really following money instead of God. Money dictates where to live, where to go to school, what job to take, where to go to church, who to marry or associate with, etc. We cannot serve two masters. The master, money, will destroy one’s relationship with God and therefore one’s marriage. The Master, God, will enhance and enrich both, if we allow him.
How can we tell if money is our master? We can tell by how we use our money. Christ said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matt 6:21). Where people put their money shows where their heart is. Faithfully investing money into the kingdom demonstrates a heart for God. But those who primarily invest their money into the things of this world reveal a worldly heart. Therefore, we can tell who our master is by looking at our bank statements.
What does your use of money say about your heart and your relationship with God? Do you love God? Or do you love money and the things of this world? Loving money and the things of this world will grow weeds in your relationship with God and your marriage.
In Order to Be Financially Faithful, Couples Must Practice the Discipline of Simplicity
In addition to not loving money, couples must guard their hearts by practicing the discipline of simplicity. Because of our tendency to love treasures (cf. Matt 6:21), Christ commanded his followers to not store up riches on the earth. He said:
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.”
Matthew 6:19-20
To not store up treasures on earth is to practice the discipline of simplicity. How this is implemented will vary between each Christian. The disciples sold all in following Christ (cf. Lk 12:32), where others simply practiced moderation (cf. 1 Tim 6:17-19).
Now again, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with treasures, but there is something intrinsically wrong with our hearts. Therefore, Christ commanded Christians to not store up wealth, or anything that is a treasure, to protect our hearts.
What about saving? Does this mean that Christians should not save? Absolutely not. Scripture teaches us to save in order to meet our needs. Proverbs calls for us to consider the ant, how it stores up during the summer harvest for the winter (6:6-8). And so should Christians.
Then, what did Christ mean by the command to not store up treasures? What does it mean to practice the spiritual discipline of simplicity?
1. Simplicity means we should not trust in our wealth to provide for us (1 Tim 6:17). God is our provider. When Satan tempted Christ to turn stones into bread, he replied, “Man does not live by bread alone but by every word that comes from the mouth of God” (Matt 4:4). God is the one who commands the door to open for a job, a raise, a scholarship, housing, etc., in order to meet our daily needs. We must trust in him. Sadly, many couples are kept from doing God’s will simply because their trust, really, is in their finances, their job, or their retirement.
2. Simplicity means we should practice moderation in our time devoted to the treasures of this world. Paul said that we should use the things of this world but not be “engrossed” in them (1 Cor 7:31). Video games, social media, Internet, and other creature-comforts have a tendency to consume people’s hearts—creating distance in their relationship with God and their spouse. Moderation must be practiced.
3. Simplicity means we should practice moderation in our accumulation of wealth and the things of this world. We should consider this when purchasing clothes, electronics, cars, furniture, homes, etc. James rebuked the early church for disobedience to Christ’s command. He said the wealth they had stored up would testify against them in the last days. James 5:1-3 says this:
Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon you. Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days.
4. Simplicity means we must, at times, rid ourselves of certain treasures. With the rich man, his love for riches was keeping him from being saved (Matt 19:21-23). Wealth was his god. Therefore, he was commanded to leave his riches and follow Christ. Similarly, couples may have to make hard decisions about money, hobbies, career, etc., to really protect their relationship with God and one another.
What are your treasures? These have the potential of creating distance in relationships with God and your spouse. Many wives lament that their husbands spend so much time working, watching sports, spending time on the Internet, or playing video games. Many husbands feel like the home, shopping, beauty products, etc., get more attention from their wives than they do. Wealth and treasures have their proper place (cf. 1 Tim 6:17). Each couple must pray about and discern what the discipline of simplicity will look like in their marriage.
Some couples may feel called to sell all they have so they can focus on the kingdom, as the disciples did (Lk 12:32-33). Others may feel called to give up certain treasures (Matt 19:21) or to simply practice moderation with everything (1 Cor 7:31). We must be careful to not judge others for their convictions in this area (cf. Matt 7:1-2). Christ has called all his disciples to not store up (Matt 6:19). How has God called you to implement the discipline of simplicity to protect your hearts in marriage?
In Order to Be Financially Faithful, Couples Must Practice Living Debt-Free
The next principle couples must practice is staying debt-free. Romans 13:8 says, “Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law” (KJV). The NIV translates it, “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another.”
It is very interesting to consider the practical implications of this verse. Many people want to love others through giving liberally and serving radically but feel like they can’t because of debt. They have a house payment, car payments, college payments, credit card payments, etc., which keep them from paying their “continuing debt of loving one another.”
In order to liberally give and radically serve, couples must pay their debts and practice staying out of debt. This may call for significant life changes. For those still going to college or graduate school, this could mean going to a less expensive, and possibly less reputable, university to lower debt. It could mean being resourceful by finding ways to lower college debt through obtaining scholarships, working while in school, lengthening the time it takes to finish, living inexpensively, etc.
For others, staying out of debt could mean buying a used car and avoiding car payments. I heard a famous TV show host say one time, “I never purchase a new car! It drops thousands of dollars right after leaving the lot. I let somebody else buy it new, and then I buy it cheaper with low mileage.”
For others, it could mean renting instead of buying a home or not buying their “dream home”. It should be noted that though the norm in today’s society is to own a home, it might not be God’s will for you. Abraham never owned a home; he lived in tents though he was a rich man (Hebrews 11:9). It was also normal in Abraham’s time to own, but he chose not to because he saw himself as a pilgrim waiting for his heavenly home. Hebrews 11:9-10 says this about him:
By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
Christ also did not own a home. It probably would have hindered his ability to minister. He once declared, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head” (Luke 9:58). It has been a common practice throughout the centuries for ministers to not own to be more available for God’s purposes.
Whenever a person is in debt, he is a slave to the lender (Prov 22:7), which comes with restrictions. However, Scripture commands us to only be slaves of God (cf. Matt 6:24) and to avoid being slaves of others (1 Cor 7:23). Debt will often deter your allegiance from God and keep you from paying your continuing debt of loving others (Rom 13:8).
How is God calling you to practice staying debt free?
In Order to Be Financially Faithful, Couples Must Practice Increasing Their Giving to God’s Work
The last principle couples must practice to be faithful with their finances is continually seeking to increase giving. Typically, when Christians get more money, they respond just like the world. They put their money into a bigger house, nicer car, new clothes, the newest phone and electronic gadgets, etc. However, Scripture teaches God blesses us so we can bless others (cf. 2 Cor 8:14-15, Gen 12:2) and that we should continually increase our giving. Listen to what Paul told the Corinthians about giving:
Now concerning the collection for the saints, as I have given order to the churches of Galatia, even so do ye. Upon the first day of the week let every one of you lay by him in store, as God hath prospered him, that there be no gatherings when I come.
1 Corinthians 16:1-2 KJV
Paul told the Corinthians to give as God “prospered” them or it can also be translated “in keeping with your income.” When God prospers a couple, they should increase their giving. In fact, Paul taught this same principle in 2 Corinthians 8:7, “But just as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us—see that you also excel in this grace of giving.” He said in the same way Christians continually seek to excel in godly virtues, they should continually seek to excel in the grace of giving.
When a couple gets married, it should be their goal to grow in their giving every year, if the Lord wills. They should periodically look at their finances and discern if the Lord is calling them to increase their offerings. With that said, unplanned events or a decrease in income may require a decrease in giving. But, in general, God’s desire is for couples to grow in giving.
Are you desiring and trying to consistently grow in your giving? What changes need to be made to give more?
Conclusion
God, our master, is returning, and when he does, there will be an accounting of our financial faithfulness. Have you been faithful stewards of the Lord’s money? If couples are going to be financially faithful, they must understand and follow God’s plan for their finances.
- In order to be financially faithful, couples must use their wealth to win souls for Christ.
- In order to be financially faithful, couples must focus on God’s reciprocal blessing to givers.
- In order to be financially faithful, couples must not love money.
- In order to be financially faithful, couples must practice the discipline of simplicity.
- In order to be financially faithful, couples must practice living debt-free.
- In order to be financially faithful, couples must practice increasing their giving to God’s work.
Financial Faithfulness in Marriage Homework
Answer the questions, then discuss together.
1. What was new or stood out to you in this session? In what ways were you challenged or encouraged? Were there any points/thoughts that you did not agree with?
2. Typically, in each marriage, there is a saver and a spender. Discerning this and talking about it beforehand may help protect your marriage from some bumps and bruises down the road.
How do you typically use your money? What do you spend it on? What percentage do you save? What percentage do you give to the Lord’s work? What about your mate?
3. Who would you consider the spender and the saver in the relationship? Do you have any concerns about your spending or saving habits? How could you improve your spending and saving?
4. Do you have any concerns about your spouse’s spending or saving habits? In what ways could your spouse improve his or her spending and saving?
5. What would you consider “treasures” that potentially could steal your heart away from God and your spouse? This could be anything that consumes your thoughts and time such as: relationships, Internet, school, clothes, movies, music, video games, money, work, success, etc. How do you feel God is calling you to be more disciplined in these areas? What about your mate?
6. Imagine that you were approached to help persecuted Christians in North Korea. Christians there are being raped, killed, and imprisoned every day. Finances are needed to support underground missionaries to teach the Word, bring Bibles in the country, and to minister to the persecuted and oppressed. You have committed to helping this cause for the next five years in conjunction with faithfully giving to your church. What lifestyle changes can you make now to live more simply to give more? How can you and your mate be more economical? Consider that both of you are working unless you know one partner will not be.
7. Consider the possibility that you and your spouse will have a baby within two years and you will have to live on one income. Could you live on one income? What could you do to cut down expenses in order to promote greater savings? Are you willing to live in an apartment instead of a house? Are there any long-standing debts that it might be prudent to pay off now? Are there trainings, schooling or other preparations that you should complete to be more economically stable in the future?
Consider that it is always good as a lifetime practice to budget as though you only had one income, not only for pregnancy, but sickness, loss of job, unforeseen problems, etc. Write down a plan to prepare to live on one income throughout marriage.
8. Consider the possibility of being a couple that always wants to increase their financial giving to kingdom work. A wise practice to consider with your giving is to begin by giving a tithe, and as God prospers you, increase it (cf. 1 Cor. 16:2, 2 Cor 8:7). Pray and ask God what percentage to start with in your giving and what percentage you want to reach by living simply over the next five years?
9. Proverbs 27:23-24 says, “Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; for riches do not endure forever, and a crown is not secure for all generations.” It is a good practice to always budget so you know the amount of money you have, where it is going, and your short-term and long-term goals for it. If you don’t always know the condition of your flocks, a great loss could cause unexpected stress on your family.
Make a sample budget taking into consideration that you are married and living either in an apartment or a house. Include such things as: tithe and offerings, savings, cell phone, rent or mortgage, gas, food, insurance, fun, etc.
10. How much will it cost to live comfortably, save, and generously give to the Lord? Are there any concerns and/or adjustments that might need to be made?
11. After completing this session, how do you feel God is calling you to pray for your marriage? Spend some time praying.
8. Foundation Eight: Intimacy In Marriage
Related MediaHow should couples develop intimacy in marriage?
Marriage should be the most intimate relationship anybody experiences in life. It should be more intimate than a friendship, a mother-daughter relationship, a father-son relationship, a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, etc. But sadly, many couples often feel distant and alone in marriage.
Because man is body, soul, and spirit (cf. 1 Thess 5:23, Heb 4:12), married couples must cultivate each aspect of their being in order to develop intimacy. They must cultivate their friendship (soul), their sexuality (body), and their spirituality (spirit) in marriage. If one aspect of this tri-unity is missing, couples will lack the intimacy God desires. Therefore, all three must be continually cultivated.
How should married couples develop these three aspects of intimacy?
Intimacy in Friendship
As we consider developing intimacy in friendship, we must consider Christ and his friendship with the church. Jesus said this in John 15:15:
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
What makes the difference between being Christ’s servant and his friend? It was the fact that Christ shared everything with his friends. As the church, we are both Christ’s bride (cf. Eph 5:23-27) and his friend. He has taught us his secrets, things that the world will not and cannot understand (1 Cor 2:14). Through his Word and the Holy Spirit, he has taught us truths about salvation, mankind, creation, angels and demons, and the future. As the church, we are Christ’s friends, and every day we have the privilege to grow in intimacy with him through studying his Word and speaking with him in prayer.
Similarly, this practice of communing through sharing one’s life, thoughts, fears, and concerns will cultivate a married couple’s friendship and therefore intimacy. Certainly, there is a need for discipline in this area. As life gets busy with work, managing the household, raising children, church, hobbies, etc., there will be many things (some good things) that can distract from cultivating the friendship.
Likewise, this often happens in our relationship with God. Remember the story of Mary and Martha? Martha was busy serving, while Mary quietly sat at Jesus’ feet. In the same way, we often get busy with good things, which can cause us to neglect our relationship with God. This can also happen with our spouse, causing not only a lack of intimacy but discord in marriage.
What disciplines can couples practice to cultivate their friendship?
1. Couples should practice setting aside a period of time every day for sharing and listening to cultivate their friendship.
Activities are good, but intimate sharing should be maximized when couples are together. For most, evenings will be the best time for this, after work and other endeavors are completed.
Personally, my wife and I always try to leave the last hour or more of the evening for sharing and prayer. We may have family time before that where we eat dinner, talk, watch a TV show together with our daughter, etc., but with the last part of the evening, we want to focus on one another.
As a couple has more children, it becomes even harder to allot time for intimate sharing, but it is still just as important. I heard one pastor’s wife, who had five children, share that in their home, the children had to be in their rooms by eight pm. She would commonly tell their kids after eight pm, “I am no longer Mom but my husband’s wife.” That’s how they managed a busy home and yet kept intimacy. It also demonstrated to the kids the priority of the marriage relationship.
2. Couples should be careful of intimacy killers to focus on cultivating their friendship.
In considering the importance of time alone, one should be aware of intimacy killers. Though I mentioned watching TV with my wife, I am aware that this does not create genuine intimacy, but commonly distracts from it. Often watching TV, being on the Internet, playing video games, being on the phone, etc., can be ways of distracting from or avoiding intimacy.
One marital counseling book my wife and I read early on in marriage encouraged couples to not turn on the TV for the first year of marriage. The first year of marriage is foundational for the rest of marriage. In the Old Testament, a soldier was not allowed to go to war during the first year of marriage. He was to stay home and bring his wife happiness (Deut 24:5). It is within the first year of marriage that patterns are established, both healthy and unhealthy ones. If a couple establishes early patterns of primarily watching and doing instead of being and sharing, it may reap hazardous dividends later in marriage. It is not uncommon for couples to say after years of marriage, “We realized that we really didn’t know one another.” It is very possible these couples established unhealthy patterns early in marriage of being distracted by intimacy killers, which kept them from ever truly knowing one another.
This is good to consider about marriage and especially one’s first year, which establishes a foundation for the rest of marriage. Do you want to have a marriage where your mate comes home, kisses you on the cheek, and then gets on the Internet, TV, or phone for three hours before bed? It is good to beware of these tendencies which can potentially hurt couples. Protect yourself from intimacy killers; block out daily time to focus on sharing, listening, and being together.
3. Couples should enjoy activities together to cultivate their friendship.
With all that said, balance is needed in marriage. Couples need times of just sharing and listening to one another, but they also need to enjoy activities together such as: reading, working out, going to movies, traveling, etc. Sadly, many couples get married believing they have many activities they love doing together, but after the first year, they find that they really enjoy different things. While courting, the woman would watch sports with her boyfriend because she was just happy to be with him. However, soon after getting married, she would quickly decline watching the Sunday football game to do her own thing. While courting, the man would go to the mall with his girlfriend because he was just happy to be around her. However, in marriage, he promptly declines the Saturday excursion to instead stay home. It is not uncommon for early passion to blur the reality of the person one is going to marry, and couples should be aware of this.
Whether this happens or not, it is important for couples to find activities they enjoy together, to help maintain and increase intimacy. Christ went everywhere with his infant church, the disciples, and shared everything with them (cf. Matt 17:1, John 15:15). To protect our marriages and help them grow, it is wise to think about and plan for activities that can be enjoyed together as well as setting weekly or monthly dates to share these things. “The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty” (Proverbs 21:5).
Of course, many times husbands and wives will simply not enjoy the same activities. This is normal. However, out of love for their spouse, they should participate in many of the activities their spouse enjoys. The wife should occasionally watch the football game, and the husband should occasionally watch the romantic comedy. Out of love, we should serve our mate, and one of the greatest ways to do this is by doing something he or she enjoys. This will enrich the friendship.
4. Couples should establish a weekly date night to cultivate their friendship.
In addition, a wise practice for couples is to establish a weekly date night. Choose a convenient night of the week to go out and do something special. Guard this night from the rigors of busyness, and when unforeseen circumstances do not allow it, always reschedule. Date night does not have to be expensive or even cost money; the most important aspect of it is spending uninterrupted time together.
One of the great realities of marriage is that it will take a lifetime to truly know your spouse since he or she is always growing and changing. Therefore, as a discipline, wisely plan to cultivate the intimacy of friendship in marriage.
Intimacy in Sex
Next, couples must cultivate intimacy through sex. God meant sex to be a powerful means of increasing intimacy in marriage. In fact, it has often been called the “litmus test” of marriage. Couples who are angry with one another will eat together, go to the movies together, and church together but most likely will not have sex together. Sex is a gauge for a couple’s intimacy and, also, how a couple increases it.
If a married couple finds themselves going weeks without sex, it may be a good time to evaluate the relationship. “Are my spouse and I alright?” “Am I meeting his/her needs?”
In considering sex, it is also important to consider Satan’s tactics in that area of marriage. While unmarried, his energy focuses on tempting couples towards premarital sex, but in marriage, his energy focuses on tempting them to not have sex. Young married couples will often find this a paradox since their passion was hard to contain before marriage. But in the marriage union, sexual intimacy tends to become dry and stagnant. Satan wants to hinder a married couple’s intimacy through a lack of sex. We will consider Satan’s work more later in this session.
For now, let’s consider God’s purposes for sex.
1. God’s purpose for sex is as a means of unity and intimacy in marriage.
Genesis 2:24 says: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” When the narrator said the man and woman become “one flesh,” he was referring directly to sex. This is supported by the fact that 1 Corinthian 6:16 says a man who has sex with a harlot becomes “one flesh” with her. The sexual act was meant to be a symbol of unity and intimacy in marriage and how a couple cultivated them.
In fact, sex was used to picture God’s intimacy and covenant with the nation of Israel. Ezekiel 16:8 says:
Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.
God took Israel as his wife, as a husband took his virgin wife to himself. God meant sex in marriage to symbolize the most intimate relationship in the world, our relationship with him. It is a powerful union. It is both a symbol of unity and intimacy and the means of how a married couple grows in them.
2. God’s purpose for sex is as a means of procreation.
As mentioned in session one, God desires for couples to birth and raise godly seed. Consider these verses:
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.
Genesis 1:27-38
Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.
Malachi 2:15
3. God’s purpose for sex is as a means of enjoyment and pleasure.
Consider these verses:
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.
Proverbs 5:18-19
How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights! Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, “I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.” May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine. May the wine go straight to my lover, flowing gently over lips and teeth. I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me. Come, my lover, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages. Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom—there I will give you my love.
Song of Songs 7:6-12
Couples are meant to enjoy their spouse through sex. In a very real way, sex is a celebration of the relationship, a way to express pleasure in one another.
4. God’s purpose in sex is as a means of serving one’s spouse.
In 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, Paul said:
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Paul taught the wife must give her husband the right of ownership of her body, and the husband must do the same (v. 4). They should not withhold sex as a weapon to get their way or to punish their mate. Paul explicitly said to not “deprive each other” except temporarily by “mutual consent” for spiritual reasons (v. 5).
When I got married, I received counsel about sex from a godly man. He said when he first got married, he and his wife made an agreement. When angry or when one didn’t desire to have sex, one would still offer oneself to the other as Scripture teaches. He or she would say to the other, “I may not feel like it now, but if you will take me like this, I want to serve you.” Married couples must learn to view sex as a ministry to one another and commit to always be available to fulfill their mate’s need.
Sadly, sex in marriage is often about fulfilling one’s lust or reaching one’s own climax instead of serving. Consequently, a spouse can still feel used and/or unsatisfied sexually in marriage. However, this was never God’s plan. Philippians 2:3-4 says this:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
In sex, as with every relationship, nothing should be done out of selfish motivation but primarily to serve the interests of the other. In sex, the husband’s goal should be his wife’s pleasure, and the wife’s goal should be her husband’s pleasure.
How does this work when spouses have different libidos? In most marriages, one spouse desires sex more than the other. Because God’s plan for sex in marriage is for each spouse to seek the pleasure of the other, this means that one spouse will have sex more than desired, and the other will have less than desired. Each should continually seek to serve the interest of the other within the sexual relationship.
Obviously, no one should feel forced, but if a spouse is lacking desire to serve his/her mate, the spouse should pray and ask God for grace to serve. In fact, it is a wise practice for mates to continually pray to serve their mate better in the sexual union. By serving their mate, they are honoring God and his design for marriage.
Moreover, couples should minister to one another sexually with the understanding that there is grace available (cf. James 4:6, Gal 5:22-23, John 15:5). God desires to give couples grace to love, to serve, and to bless their sexual union because this is his will for marriage. Each couple should regularly petition God for his anointing over their union.
5. God’s purpose for sex is as a means of protection from sexual immorality and other temptations.
First Corinthians 7:1-2 says, “Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.”
Paul taught that marriage, and sex in marriage, was meant to protect couples from temptations towards sexual immorality. In fact, Paul added this:
Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5
When couples do not practice consistency in sex, it allows Satan to tempt them in various ways. In what ways does Satan tempt couples for lack of sexual consistency?
Of course, he tempts them sexually through lust, pornography, adultery, etc. But there are many other temptations, such as one or both mates feeling unloved, undesired, depressed, and/or insecure. I have found this very common for wives, especially after having children. When the sexual union is not consistent, they are tempted to feel unattractive and unloved. It becomes an open door for Satan to trample the woman in marriage. With the husband, when the sexual union is inconsistent, it seems he is more prone to be tempted sexually. This might be because the husband more commonly works outside the home around members of the opposite sex. It is wise for husbands and wives to view their sexual intimacy as a necessary protection from the evil one’s schemes.
As an example, I had one friend share that when he first got married, Satan focused his attacks on the bedroom. It became a tremendous source of insecurity, fears, and discord. Many couples would say the same thing. For this reason couples must practice faithfulness in this area and view it, not only as a way to enhance their marriage, but to guard their marriage. Some churches in recent years have developed marriage campaigns where couples commit to having sex every day for a week or a month as a spiritual discipline to increase the health of marriages. This may be over the top, but the principle behind it is very biblical.
Personally, I think it is wise for couples to establish a weekly plan to practice sexual intimacy. Satan will use busyness, tiredness, children, ministry, etc., to keep couples from the blessing of sex. Proverbs 21:5 says, “The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.” Those who plan, plan to succeed, and those who do not plan, plan to fail.
Let me add a caution about when couples have children. The birth of children adds new challenges to a couple’s intimacy. The children stage is a tremendous blessing, but it will open more doors for Satan to attack sexual intimacy in marriage. Many times children become the focus of the marriage. In some cultures, the wife will often co-sleep with the child for years. In those scenarios, couples will have to be even more strategic. Satan is not going to stop attacking the marriage because of children. In fact, his attacks will probably increase. Therefore, Christians must be wise and strategic in how they protect the sexual union.
With all that said, what are some ways to enrich sex in marriage?
- openly talk about it
- set up dates for it
- practice flirting throughout the day
- pray about it
- be creative
- wisely read Christian literature about it
Christian literature can offer insights without being tasteless and irreverent. For instance, God made the woman’s body differently than the man’s. The woman’s body typically takes longer to arouse, and they are stirred more emotionally than men. In order for the husband to serve the woman, it will typically start long before entering the bedroom through touch, communication, and loving service.
In summary, sex is a celebration that God created to enrich marriage. It is where intimacy and unity are cultivated, where the miracle of procreation happens, and where pure joy is stimulated. However, it is also an area where Satan commonly attacks. Couples must guard it and cultivate it to grow in intimacy with one another.
Intimacy in the Spiritual
The final way of building intimacy is through cultivating spiritual intimacy. This may be the most neglected aspect of intimacy in marriages. People cultivate the mind and the body but often forget the spirit. Many couples in marriage, even marriages lasting over twenty years, commonly say to themselves, “There is something missing.” The spiritual aspect is often the missing link to a successful marriage.
One of the aspects that distinguish man and animal is the fact that God gave man a spirit to commune with him. It is the highest function of humanity, and when it is neglected, man, in one sense, resembles animals. They are driven simply by their basic instincts to feed, to have sex, to have security, and to have power. Mankind was meant to have a relationship with God. In the Genesis narrative, it continually shows how man walked and talked with God (cf. Gen 2:16-17, 5:24, 6:9, 13). When couples cultivate their spiritual life together, they greatly increase intimacy with one another.
What are some ways for couples to increase spiritual intimacy?
1. Couples should schedule times of seeking God through prayer and God’s Word as a family (cf. 1 Cor 7:5).
This could be done every night and/or morning, once or twice a week, or even at meal times. In general, couples should try to incorporate prayer and Scripture as much as possible, when starting the day, when driving, when eating, before going to church, before putting the children to sleep, etc. (cf. Deut 6:6-9).
2. Couples should worship with other Christians weekly.
This should be done by becoming a member of a Bible preaching church and participating in Sunday service, small groups, prayer meetings, etc. The Bible commands us to “not neglect” the gathering of one another together for the purpose of encouragement (Hebrews 10:25). With this, married couples will generally find it very enriching to develop spiritual connections with other Christian couples in the same stage of life and also with those who can help mentor them.
3. Couples should find ways of serving God and others together.
Hospitality should definitely be one avenue of serving. Hebrews 13:1-2 says: “Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.” Couples should open their home to bless others. However, serving should not be limited to hospitality. God may call some couples to invest in ministry to teenagers, children, neighbors, the homeless, widows, etc.
How will you cultivate your spiritual life together in marriage? Certainly, couples should not neglect their own individual devotions, worship, and gifts, but in becoming “one flesh” in marriage (Gen 2:24), they should also cultivate their spiritual life together.
Conclusion
Intimacy is a very important part of marriage. God made man a tri-unity with a body, soul, and spirit (cf. 1 Thess 5:23, Heb 4:12), and each of these must be cultivated to develop intimacy in marriage. Couples do this by cultivating their friendship (soul), their sexuality (body), and their spirituality (spirit). Developing a plan to cultivate these three aspects of intimacy will greatly enrich one’s marriage.
How is God calling you to strategically develop intimacy in marriage?
Intimacy in Marriage Homework
Answer the questions, then discuss together.
1. What was new or stood out to you in this session? In what ways were you challenged or encouraged? Were there any points/thoughts that you did not agree with?
2. How would you describe intimacy and the importance of it in marriage?
3. Are there any known variables that you think could possibly detract from daily time alone with your spouse and intimate sharing (i.e. work, hobbies, personality, fear, etc.)? What intimacy killers do you and your mate have to be careful of? How will you navigate these to cultivate your friendship?
4. Write down seven activities you enjoy doing for fun. Write down seven activities your spouse enjoys doing for fun. What activities will you and your spouse do together? What activities are you willing to learn how to do or enjoy to further cultivate your friendship?
5. How will you cultivate a healthy sexual relationship to protect your marriage from the evil one’s temptations (cf. 1 Cor 7:5)? How will you keep your sex life from stagnation?
6. What will you do in marriage when you and/or your mate start to lose love for one another? Revelation 2:4-5 offers principles that can help protect and restore love in marriage. It says:
Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lamp stand from its place.
The context of this verse is Jesus speaking to the church of Ephesus who had lost passion for him. The church was excelling in many things (v. 1-3): preaching, teaching, hating false doctrine, and righteousness, but they had lost the most important thing—their first love for Christ.
Love is the most important part of our relationship with God. That is why the greatest commandment is to love God with our whole heart, mind, and soul (Matt 22:36-37). Because the church of Ephesus had lost this, Christ promised to discipline them by taking away their lampstand—their light in the community, which would ultimately destroy the church.
Similarly, love is the most important part of marriage. Therefore, the counsel Christ gave this church can be applied to restoring love in marriage. Christ called for this church to restore their love by repenting (recognizing and turning away from sin) and doing what they did when they first started to love God (maybe extensive time in the Word and prayer, church fellowship, service, etc.). This type of response to a lack of love is also needed in marriage to maintain or restore intimacy.
What type of things did you originally do when you fell in love with your spouse? How can you continually cultivate these to keep your first love or restore it?
7. After completing this session, how do you feel God is calling you to pray for your marriage? Spend some time praying.
Related Topics: Marriage, Sexuality, Spiritual Life
9. Closing Thoughts
Related MediaCongratulations on finishing Building Foundations for a Godly Marriage curriculum! I would like to leave you with a few closing thoughts. In Deuteronomy 24:5, God called for soldiers to not go to war during their first year of marriage. He said:
If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.
In this, a clear principle is established showing how important the first year of marriage is. Statistics support this; one of the highest years of divorce is the first year. Everything will be new, and in this year, you will build habits that will sustain or hurt you for the rest of your marriage. Therefore, it is important to be very intentional within your first year.
As shared earlier in the book, one marriage guru said that couples should not watch any TV within the first year of marriage to focus on one another. Though this may be an overstatement, the basic principle behind this statement is true. Couples need to develop a pattern of focus within the first year that will continue throughout the marriage.
For example, in my first year of marriage, my wife and I decided that she would not work full-time and I stopped pursuing further education, so we could focus on one another. Plus, we had a brief courtship, so getting to know one another was even more important for us.
Couples should be very careful about taking on extra tasks in the first year that will keep them away from one another. They should spend as much quality time together as possible, building a foundation for a long and healthy marriage.
Another principle that I will leave you with is the importance of having a mentor or a mentor couple. Think of a strong Christian married couple who would serve as good mentors. You could meet together once a month, pray together, do a Bible study together, or simply secure the right to call them for godly advice and invite them to check in on you throughout the marriage.
There is support for this in Paul’s call for older women to mentor younger women. In Titus 2:3-5, Paul says this:
Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.
For a new job, we go through training. How much more do we need continual training in marriage? You will find mentorship invaluable for your future, and one day you will pass on the wisdom you gained to another couple. May God richly bless and strengthen your marriage.
10. Bibliography: Building Foundations For A Godly Marriage
Related MediaBarclay, William. The New Daily Study Bible: The Letters to Philippians, Colossians, and Thessalonians, 3rd ed. (Louisville, KY; London: Westminster John Knox Press, 2003), 190.
“Discipline”, accessed 2/7/15 http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/discipline.
Hawkins, Ronald E. Strengthening Marital Intimacy. USA: Baker Book House Company, 1991.
Keathley, J. III. The Principle of Nature (Knowing Your Child), accessed 2/8/15 https://bible.org/seriespage/principle-nature-knowing-your-child .
Miller, Kathy Collars, D. Larry Miller and Larry Richards. What’s in the Bible for Couples. Minnesota: Bethany House, 2007.
Parrot, Les and Leslie. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2006.
Rainey, Dennis. Preparing for Marriage. California: Gospel Light, 1997.
Wes, Roberts and H. Norman Wright. Before You Say “I Do”. Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 1997.
Worthington, Everett L. Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling: A Guide to Brief Therapy. Downers Grove: Intervarsity Press, 1999.
Appendix 1: Sample Counseling First Session
Related MediaPre-session:
If the counselor prefers, the couple will fill out the relationship questionnaire before the first session (see Appendix 2).
Counselor Introduction:
The counselor will share a brief testimony, including his background, his own marriage (if married), his counseling experience, and his hope for this session. Then, the counselor will ask the couple questions to get to know them better.
Questions for the Couple:
(Or, instead of asking questions in the session, the counselor can simply follow up on questions from the relationship questionnaire.)
Please share your individual backgrounds: where you are from, your family background, your education background, and anything else you would like to share.
Please share how you and your fiancé(e) met, how long you’ve known each other, and how you knew you were meant to be together.
Please share your religious experience. Are you a born again believer? Do you have assurance of salvation? What is your involvement in church?
Please share ways you and your fiancé(e) are similar. Share ways you are different. How can these similarities and differences complement your marriage?
How do you get along with your parents? What was their parenting style like? What did you like and dislike about it? What will you take from your parents and add to your marriage?
What are your hopes for going through pre-marital counseling?
Course Overview:
Counselor will share the course overview and expectations. For example:
This pre-marital course will cover eight different foundations of marriage including: God’s plan for marriage, gender roles, finances, communication, raising godly children, etc.
Each week you will:
- Read the lesson and complete the homework individually. It should take around one to two hours to complete.
- Discuss the answers to your homework with your mate. After your discussion, you should spend time praying together about your future marriage. Also, think about any questions you might have for me (the counselor). Send me your answers and questions before our session together.
- Meet with me to discuss your answers and questions. I will share any additional insights and pray with you. This should take no more than an hour. (Or the counselor can respond through email and only meet sparingly if preferred).
Closing:
Any questions? Session 1 “God’s Plan for Marriage” will be your first assignment. Let’s meet next week at this same time. Let’s close in prayer.
Related Topics: Marriage
Appendix 2: Relational History Questionnaire
Related MediaPlease respond to the following questions so I can prepare an assessment after our first meeting. We will discuss some of these questions while getting to know one another.
1. Define marriage. What is its purpose?
2. List ways you and your fiancé(e) are similar? List ways you are different?
3. How can these similarities and differences complement your marriage?
4. Describe your relationship, as a child, with your parents? What were they like? What did you like and dislike about their methods? Are there any things you would like to model or not model in your marriage?
5. What was your spiritual life like as a child? How has it changed since then?
6. What is your previous relationship history? How does it affect you in your present relationship?
7. What do you enjoy reading and watching on TV?
9. What was your family’s financial situation as a youth?
10. Describe briefly your education and job experience.
12. What do you do for fun?
13. Describe some things you and your fiancé(e) usually disagree over or fight over? What does a fight look like?
14. Please share how you and your fiancé(e) met and how you were led to commit to one another in marriage.
15. Share your religious experience. Are you a born again believer? What is your involvement in church?
16. When do you plan on getting married? What type of wedding do you plan on having?
Related Topics: Marriage
Appendix 3: Get To Know One Another
Related MediaConsider investing in your future marriage by taking tests that will help you know one another more, understand one another, and better serve one another. Your marriage is worth the investment.
1. Take the Myer Briggs Personality Test and discuss with one another.
http://www.mbtionline.com/TakeTheAssessment
What did you learn about yourself and your mate, and how can it be helpful in marriage?
2. Take the Five Love Languages Test and discuss with one another.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
What did you learn about yourself and your mate, and how can it be helpful in marriage?
3. Take the Strengthfinders 2.0 test and discuss with one another.
http://www.strengthstest.com/strengths-tests/strengthsfinder-20-access-code.html
What did you learn about yourself and your mate, and how can it be helpful in marriage?
Appendix 4: Study Group Tips
Related MediaLeading a small group using the Bible Teacher's Guide can be done in various ways. One format for leading a small group is the “study group” model, where each member prepares and shares in the teaching. This appendix will cover tips for facilitating a weekly study group.
- Each week the members of the study group will read through a select chapter of the guide, complete the homework, answer the reflection questions (see Appendix 5), and come prepared to share in the group.
- Prior to each meeting, a different member can be selected to lead the group and share Question 1 of the reflection questions, which is to give a short summary of the chapter read. This section of the gathering could last from five to fifteen minutes. This way, each member can develop their gift of teaching, and it also will make them study harder during the week. Or, each week the same person could share the summary.
- After the summary has been given, the leader for that week will facilitate discussions through the rest of the reflection questions and select homework questions that apply to the group.
- After discussion, the group will share prayer requests and pray for one another.
The strength of the study group is the fact that the members will be required to prepare their responses before the meeting, which will allow for easier discussion. In addition, each member will be given the opportunity to teach, which will further equip their ministry skills. The study group model has distinct advantages.
Appendix 5: Reflection Questions
Related MediaWriting is one of the best ways to learn. In class, we take notes and write papers, and these methods are used to help us learn and retain the material. The same is true with the Word of God. Obviously, all of the authors of Scripture were writers. This helped them better learn the Scriptures and also enabled them to more effectively teach it. In studying God’s Word with the Bible Teacher’s Guide, take time to write so you can similarly grow both in your learning and teaching.
1. How would you summarize the main points of the text/chapter? Write a brief summary.
2. What stood out to you most in the reading? Did any of the contents trigger any memories or experiences? If so, please share them.
3. What follow–up questions did you have about the reading? What parts did you not fully agree with?
4. What applications did you take from the reading, and how do you plan to implement them into your life?
5. Write several commitment statements in this format: As a result of my time studying God’s Word, I will . . .
6. What are some practical ways to pray as a result of studying the text? Spend some time ministering to the Lord through prayer.
Appendix 6: Walking the Roman’s Road
Related MediaHow can a person be saved? From what is he saved from? How can someone have eternal life? Scripture teaches that after death each person will spend eternity either in heaven or hell. How can a person go to heaven?
Paul said this to Timothy:
But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.
2 Timothy 3:14-15
One of the reasons God gave us Scripture is to make us wise for salvation. This means that without it nobody can know how to be saved. This is why God gave us the Scripture.
Well then, how can a people be saved and what are they being saved from? A common method of sharing the good news of salvation is through the Romans Road. One of the great themes, not only of the Bible, but specifically of the book of Romans is salvation. In Romans, the author, Paul clearly details the steps we must take in order to be saved.
How can we be saved? What steps must we take?
Step One: We Must Accept that We Are Sinners.
Romans 3:23 says, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” What does it mean to sin? The word sin means “to miss the mark.” The mark we missed is looking like God. When God created mankind in the Genesis narrative, he created man in the “image of God” (1:27). The “image of God” means many things, but probably, most importantly it means we were made to be holy just as he is holy. Man was made moral. We were meant to reflect God’s holiness in every way: the way we think, the way we talk, and the way we act. And any time we miss the mark in these areas, we commit sin.
Furthermore, we not only sin when we commit a sinful act such as: lying, stealing, or cheating. Again, we sin anytime we have a wrong heart motive. The greatest commandments in Scripture are to, “Love God with all our heart, mind, and soul and to love others as ourselves” (Matt 22:36-40, paraphrase). Whenever we don’t love God supremely and love others as ourselves, we sin and fall short of the glory of God. For this reason, man is always in a state of sinning. Sadly, even if our actions are good, our heart is bad. I have never loved God with my whole heart, mind, and soul and neither has anybody else. Therefore, we have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23). We have all missed the mark of God’s holiness and we must accept this.
What’s the next step?
Step Two: We Must Understand We Are Under the Judgment of God
Why are we under the judgment of God? It is because of our sins. Scripture teaches God is not only a loving God, but he is just God. And his justice requires judgment for each of our sins. Romans 6:23 says: “For the wages of sin is death.”
A wage is something we earn. Every time we sin, we earn the wage of death. What is death? Death really means separation. In physical death, the body is separated from the spirit, but in spiritual death, man is separated from God. Man currently lives in a state of spiritual death (cf. Eph 2:1-3). We do not love God, obey him, or know him as we should. Therefore, man is in a state of death.
Moreover, one day at our physical death, if we have not been saved, we will spend eternity separated from God in a very real hell. In hell, we will pay the wage for each of our sins. Therefore, in hell people will experience various degrees of punishment (cf. Lk 12:47-48). This places man in a very dangerous predicament—unholy and therefore under the judgment of God.
How should we respond to this? This leads us to our third step.
Step Three: We Must Recognize God Has Invited All to Accept His Free Gift of Salvation
Romans 6:23 does not stop at the wages of sin being death. It says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Because God loved everybody on the earth, he offered the free gift of eternal life, which anyone can receive through Jesus Christ.
Because it is a gift, it cannot be earned. We cannot work for it. Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.”
Going to church, baptism, giving to the poor, or any other righteous work does not save. Salvation is a gift that must be received from God. It is a gift that has been prepared by his effort alone.
How do we receive this free gift?
Step Four: We Must Believe Jesus Christ Died for Our Sins and Rose from the Dead
If we are going to receive this free gift, we must believe in God’s Son, Jesus Christ. Because God loved us, cared for us, and didn’t want us to be separated from him eternally, he sent his Son to die for our sins. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Similarly, John 3:16 says: “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have eternal life.” God so loved us that he gave his only Son for our sins.
Jesus Christ was a real, historical person who lived 2,000 years ago. He was born of a virgin. He lived a perfect life. He was put to death by the Romans and the Jews. And he rose again on the third day. In his death, he took our sins and God’s wrath for them and gave us his perfect righteousness, so we could be accepted by God. Second Corinthians 5:21 says: “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” God did all this so we could be saved from his wrath.
Christ’s death satisfied the just anger of God over our sins. When God saw Jesus on the cross, he saw us and our sins and therefore judged Jesus. And now, when God sees those who are saved, he sees his righteous Son and accepts us. In salvation, we have become the righteousness of God.
If we are going to be saved, if we are going receive this free gift of salvation, we must believe in Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection for our sins (cf. 1 Cor 15:3-5, Rom 10:9-10). Do you believe?
Step Five: We Must Confess Christ as Lord of Our Lives
Romans 10:9-10 says,
That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.
Not only must we believe, but we must confess Christ as Lord of our lives. It is one thing to believe in Christ but another thing to follow Christ. Simple belief does not save. Christ must be our Lord. James said this, “Even the demons believe and shudder” (James 2:19) but the demons are not saved—Christ is not their Lord.
Another aspect of making Christ Lord is repentance. Repentance really means a change of mind that leads to a change of direction. Before we met Christ, we were living our own life and following our own sinful desires. But when we get saved, there is a change of mind and direction. We start to follow Christ as Lord.
How do we make this commitment to the lordship of Christ so we can be saved? Paul said we must confess with our mouth “Jesus is Lord” as we believe in him. Romans 10:13 says, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
If you admit that you are a sinner and understand you are under God's wrath because of them; if you believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God, that he died on the cross for your sins, and rose from the death for your salvation; if you are ready to turn from your sin and cling to Christ as Lord, you can be saved.
If this is your heart, then you can pray this prayer and commit to following Christ as your Lord.
Dear heavenly Father, I confess I am a sinner and have fallen short of your glory, what you made me for. I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins and rose from dead so I can have eternal life. I am turning away from my sin and accepting you as my Lord and Savior. Come into my life and change me. Thank you for your gift of salvation.
Scripture teaches that if you truly accepted Christ as your Lord, then you are a new creation. Second Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” God has forgiven your sins (1 John 1:9), he has given you his Holy Spirit (Rom 8:15), and he is going to disciple you and make you into the image of his Son (cf. Rom 8:29). He will never leave you nor forsake you (Heb 13:5), and he will complete the work he has begun in your life (Phil 1:6). In heaven, angels and saints are rejoicing because of your commitment to Christ (Lk 15:7).
Praise God for his great salvation! May God keep you in his hand, empower you through the Holy Spirit, train you through mature believers, and use you to build his kingdom! “The one who calls you is faithful, he will do it” (1 Thess 5:24). God bless you!
Related Topics: Soteriology (Salvation)