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Things I’ve Learned From My Children

(Honest and No Kidding)—an anonymous mother

1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 4-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh-oh,” it’s already too late.

12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

13. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak—it explodes.

16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-square-foot house 4 inches deep.

17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

18. Duplos will not.

19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

20. Super glue is forever.

21. McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know. Ditto Tarzan.

22. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

23. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

24. VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

25. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

26. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

27. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

28. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

29. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

30. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response time.

31. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

32. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Grintown