**This is a part of an incomplete series. The rest will be added as soon as it becomes available.
The words, “Mom, I’m pregnant” can either be the most joyous words a grandmother-to-be can hear, or the most devastating. If her daughter is happily married, a celebration ensues. If that daughter is 19 and an unmarried college sophomore, her world comes crashing down.
When that mother and daughter land in your office or at your kitchen table seeking help, where do you start? What do you do or say?
First, understand that everyone in that family will be affected by the pregnancy. The notion that only the body of the pregnant girl is involved and therefore she alone should be able to make decisions about the pregnancy is patently foolish and simply not true. (It is correct, however, that legal rights surrounding potential abortion decisions belong only to her.)
Any pregnancy is a life-changing event, regardless of its outcome. Think of the number of times you’ve said to an excited, jubilant young married couple expecting their first child, “Oooohhhh, your life will never be the same!” And that’s right – it won’t.
The same is true for an unplanned pregnancy, whether its outcome is parenting, adoption, or abortion. The life of that pregnant girl will never be the same, because she will never “not have been pregnant” (all English teachers please excuse the double negative.) She is already a mother; all that remains to be decided is how she will respond to that fact.
The pregnant girl faces a very difficult situation and needs help in dealing with it. Her mother also faces a very difficult situation and needs help in dealing with it. (Her father does too, but we’re talking Women’s Ministry here, so we’ll not address his situation.)
So, we’ll divide this up into several parts. Part 1 A will focus on the pregnant girl prior to her decision about what to do. Part 1B will focus on her mother during that same time frame. 2A will look at how to help this girl after her decision, if that decision was abortion. 2B will look at her mother in that same time frame after “it’s over.”
Let’s use a hypothetical case study to make name references easier. Heather is 19 and a sophomore in college. She has grown up in a Christian home and has always been a “good” girl – making good grades, active and even a leader in the church youth group, full of educational and career plans, the apple of her parents’ eyes.
She sailed through her freshman year of college, meeting lots of new friends but sticking to the “straight and narrow.” Now, though, as a sophomore she has begun to explore some new experiences and friendships–and the pregnancy test she bought at Wal-Mart and just took shows positive.
[No, not all girls facing unplanned pregnancies fit the above description, but a majority does fall into the 19-24 age group. And the rest of the description summarizes the situation that you as a Women’s Ministry worker are most likely to encounter. Other young women will most likely go somewhere else for help. We hope it’s their local pregnancy resource center (crisis pregnancy center) and not their local Planned Parenthood (for whom parenthood is the last thing they’re planning.)]
Imagine how Heather feels right now. She’s scared to the point of panic; she’s in shock (“This isn’t supposed to happen to me!”); and most of all, she’s humiliated at the thought of what her parents will think/say/do. She knows how proud they are of her; and up until now, she’s never given them any reason not to be. How will she ever tell them?
See why abortion can be such an appealing option?
If she just “takes care of it,” her parents would never have to know! Everything could just go back to being like it was before she saw that pregnancy test, back to “normal.” She won’t have to break her parent’s hearts or embarrass both them and herself. She knows abortion is wrong, but . . . .
And now Heather is sitting in your office, asking for help. What do you say? Where do you start? You know that a life literally hangs in the balance.
1. LISTEN. Obviously you must begin by compassionately listening while she pours out her whole story, probably with tears. Try not to interrupt unless her narrative just completely loses you. You may need to softly, gently prompt her at times, but frequently reassure her with nods, smiles–all of your body language–that you hurt for her and that you care.
2. GATHER INFORMATION. Once she seems to have “told it all,” you can begin to gently ask about details not mentioned that you feel are important:
3. REASSURE HER that God still loves her, even though she has made bad choices, ascertaining as best you can whether she has a personal relationship with the Lord.
4. CREATE A PLAN OF ACTION. What steps should she take next–whom to share the news with (and not), importance of getting medical care, referral to a local pregnancy resource center (crisis pregnancy center) where she’ll find folks experienced in walking through similar situations with others. They are listed in the Yellow Pages under “Abortion Alternatives.” Offer to go with her, if she wishes, to tell her parents or to the pregnancy resource center.
5. MAKE AT LEAST ONE FOLLOW-UP APPOINTMENT with her to make sure she’s following through on what you’ve discussed. This also communicates that you care about her and her situation.
6. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER come across as judgmental or lacking in compassion. Remember that all of us have sinned, as Scripture makes most clear, and that Jesus died for all those sins, whether that be Heather’s sin of immorality or your sin of anger or bitterness or gossip. We’re all sinners in need of a Savior. It’s vital that she senses that acceptance from you, because in her eyes at this point, you represent “The Church.” And by extension, you represent God. Yes, if she has a belligerent attitude and not one of sorrowful repentance, she will have to be brought to that point. But in this initial conversation, you are establishing a relationship of trust with her, and any future opportunities for ministry to her will be predicated on that.
7. PRAY WITH HER before she leaves. Thank God that He created her as well as the life she’s carrying–and made each of them unique and special. Pray that His comfort, peace, and joy will be her constant companions as she walks through the next difficult weeks and months and that all the decisions she makes will be in accordance with His will.