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David Letterman’s Top 10 Signs You Have No Friends

1. No calls from salespeople pushing MCI’s “Friends and Family” plan.

2. You go to a video store and say out loud to yourself, “Well, what do you want to rent tonight?”

3. You send birthday cards to members of “The McLaughlin Group.”

4. You are one of the five best solitaire players in the world.

5. Your initials are G.S., and you own a Major League baseball team in the Bronx.

6. At your funeral, the entire eulogy is, “Yep, he’s dead.”

7. Having a Super Bowl party means dressing up your dogs and tying then to the furniture.

8. James Taylor sings the first bars of “You’ve Got a Friend,” notices you in the audience and stops.

9. You’re still drinking from the same keg you bought on New Year’s Eve 1987.

10. All your phone calls start with “900.”

Late Show With David Letterman,” CBS, Reader’s Digest, January 1996, p. 82.