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This 2 part expository study of Philemon was preached at Flagstaff Christian Fellowship in 2007. Audio and manuscripts are available for each lesson.

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Lesson 1: The Changes of the Gospel (Philemon 1-25)

The story is told of two brothers, convicted of stealing sheep, who were branded on the forehead with the letters ST, to indicate “sheep thief.” One brother couldn’t bear the stigma. He became bitter and moved away, never to return.

The other brother chose a different course. He said, “I can’t run from what I did, so I’ll stay here and win back the respect of my neighbors.” As the years passed, he built a solid reputation for integrity. One day a stranger saw him, now an old man, with the letters still on his forehead. He asked a townsman what they signified. “It happened a long time ago,” said the villager. “I’ve forgotten the particulars, but I think the letters are an abbreviation for ‘saint’” (adapted from “Our Daily Bread,” Aug., 1982).

Although there is no mention in the story that the cause of the thief’s transformation was the gospel, it illustrates how the gospel does in fact change everyone that it saves. As Paul wrote (2 Cor. 5:17), “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” “But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin, you became obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were committed, and having been freed from sin, you became slaves of righteousness” (Rom. 6:17-18). These verses state what the story of Philemon and Onesimus illustrates, that…

God changes every person whom He saves through the gospel.

Philemon is Paul’s shortest and most personal letter, written during his first imprisonment in Rome. Philemon, the main recipient of the letter, was a wealthy man from Colossae, near Laodicea, about 100 miles inland from Ephesus, which was on the west coast of modern Turkey. The letter was also addressed to Apphia, who was probably Philemon’s wife; to Archippus, who may have been the pastor of the church there (some think he was the son of Philemon and Apphia); and to the entire church that met in Philemon’s house. (There is no record of a church building until the third century.) Paul had not visited Colossae, although he hoped to do so soon (v. 22). But somehow, perhaps during Paul’s ministry in Ephesus, he had come into contact with Philemon and led him to Christ (v. 19).

Being wealthy, Philemon owned slaves. The New Testament never directly attacks the institution of slavery. If it had done so, as one author points out, “Christianity would have sunk beyond hope of recovery along with such revolutionary attempts; it might have brought on a new slave rising and been crushed along with it” (W. Bousset, cited by R. P. Martin, Zondervan Pictorial Encyclopedia of the Bible [Zondervan], ed. by Merrill C. Tenney, 4:755). But, as F. F. Bruce pointed out, “What this epistle does is to bring us into an atmosphere in which the institution could only wilt and die” (ibid.).

One of Philemon’s slaves was named Onesimus. He had stolen from his master and run away. In the Roman Empire, masters had absolute authority over slaves and they often tortured or killed them for minor offenses or mistakes. So Onesimus was a fugitive slave, under a capital offense.

In his travels, God providentially led Onesimus all the way to Rome, where he crossed paths with the apostle Paul. We don’t know whether he was imprisoned with Paul for a time or how they met. But the Hound of Heaven was pursuing Onesimus! Although he had undoubtedly heard the gospel in Philemon’s household, he ran from the place where he easily could have been saved. He traveled hundreds of miles to a large city where he “happened” to meet Paul. When Paul shared the gospel, God opened Onesimus’ heart and he trusted in Christ. He then stayed with Paul and the two men formed a close relationship as Onesimus served Paul (vv. 10-13).

In time, as Onesimus grew in the faith through Paul’s teaching, he realized that he needed to return to his master and make restitution for the crimes that he had committed. The fact that we have this letter to Philemon is proof of the genuine nature of Onesimus’ conversion. If he had been a false convert, he would have taken off for some other hiding place and never returned to Phile­mon. This short letter is Paul’s appeal to his friend, Philemon, and to the entire church, to welcome back this runaway slave, not as a second-class citizen, but as a beloved brother in Christ.

Paul’s task was not easy. He had to convince a man and an entire church that was immersed in the cultural acceptance of slavery to set aside that cultural viewpoint and to practice the Christian truth that all people are equal in Jesus Christ (Col. 3:11 also enforces this). This would be like trying to convince a slave owner and a white church in the South before the Civil War to accept a returning runaway black slave as a member in full standing! Paul could have asserted his apostolic authority, but he wanted to secure Philemon’s obedience from the heart. While not denying Onesimus’ crime, Paul wanted Philemon, his wife, and the entire church to forgive him completely. He wanted mercy to triumph over raw justice. He also wanted to leave the door open for Philemon to free his slave, so that perhaps Onesimus would choose to return to Rome and continue his ministry to Paul.

There are several ways to approach this letter. Next time I want to examine it for what it teaches us about the art of good relationships. But today, rather than giving a detailed, verse-by-verse exposition, I want to focus on how God changes us through the power of the gospel: He changes our character, our relationships with others, and our relationship with Him.

1. God changes your character when He saves you.

Everyone in this story is behaving differently than he would have before meeting Jesus Christ. These changes are not automatic or this letter would not have needed to be written. They require constant, lifelong work. I will limit myself to Paul and Onesimus:

A. God changed Paul’s character.

This letter oozes with Paul’s gentleness, graciousness, and sensitivity. In verses 4-7, he commends Philemon in a loving and gracious manner, describing how his own heart has come to have much joy and comfort in Philemon’s love. He goes on to appeal to him as a brother in Christ (vv. 8, 10), urging Philemon (v. 17), “If then you regard me a partner, accept him as you would me.” He gently adds (v. 20), “Yes, brother, let me benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ.”

You may be thinking, “Yes, of course, this is the apostle Paul. What do you expect?”

But you may be forgetting what Paul was like before he met Christ. When the Jews stoned the innocent Stephen, Paul watched this gruesome spectacle in hearty agreement (Acts 8:1). Then he “began ravaging the church, entering house after house, and dragging off men and women, he would put them in prison” (Acts 8:3). He was “breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord” (Acts 9:1). He describes himself during this time as being “a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor” (1 Tim. 1:13). He wasn’t a nice man! To call him an angry young man would be an understatement. But, here he is, about 25 years later, a gentle, humble, gracious man, urging others to love and kindness.

Don’t miss Paul’s mention of Mark as one of his fellow workers (v. 24). On the first missionary journey, Mark had abandoned Paul and Barnabas. Later, when Barnabas wanted to give Mark a second chance, Paul adamantly refused, leading to a split between these two men of God. Barnabas took Mark and worked with him until Mark became a faithful man of God. As Paul grew in grace and gentleness, he came to see Mark as useful for service (2 Tim. 4:11). Paul’s change of heart towards Mark shows how God changed the apostle over the years as the fruit of the Spirit grew in his life.

Maybe before you met Christ, you were an angry person. You had a reputation for having a short fuse. But, as you learn to walk in the Spirit, not the flesh, you should see “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Gal. 5:22-23) replacing outbursts of anger and arguments (Gal. 5:20). You learn to put off the sinful ways of the old man and put on the godly ways of the new man in Christ.

B. God changed Onesimus’ character.

Onesimus had not been a Christian as long as Paul had been, but there were already some major changes in his character. Formerly, he had grudgingly served Philemon, doing only the bare minimum, and stealing everything he could as he looked for an opportunity to escape. But now in submission to the Lord, he returns to his master, ready and willing to render whatever service is required of him. Formerly, Paul says that Onesimus, whose name means “useful,” was useless to Philemon (v. 11). He was not a good worker. But now, he truly lives up to the meaning of his name, both to Philemon and to Paul.

This can only mean that God had changed Onesimus’ attitude. Before, he resented his lot in life as a slave. He hated his master and he hated his master’s God. But now, he was in submission to God to the extent that he was willing to give up his freedom, go back and place himself under his master’s authority. Instead of being a surly, angry slave, he now was a helpful, cheerful servant. God had changed Onesimus’ attitude through the gospel.

Has He changed your attitude? Teenager, has God changed you from grumbling and snapping at your parents to cheerful compliance from the heart as you seek to please them? Men and women, has God changed the way that you act on the job? Before, you did the bare minimum to keep your job, grumbling with other employees about the way the management treated you. Now, you excel with a joyful spirit of obedience, doing your job as unto the Lord. At home, before you met Christ, you were selfish and insensitive, exploding in anger if the rest of the family didn’t do things your way. Now, you are patient and kind towards them. You think about their needs and seek to serve them.

About fifty years after Paul wrote this letter, Ignatius, the bishop of Antioch, was being taken to execution in Rome. At a stopover in Smyrna, he wrote to the church of Ephesus and commended their bishop, whose name was Onesimus (Apostolic Fathers [Harvard University Press], translated by Kirsopp Lake, 1:166, 175). While we cannot positively identify him as the once-runaway slave, it is possible that God used this once useless slave in a mighty way as a servant of His church (see, also, William Barclay, The Letters to Timothy, Titus, and Philemon [Westminster Press], rev. ed., p. 275). If God has saved you, He changes your character to make you useful in His service.

2. God changes your relationships with others.

This is an extension of changed character, of course. When you change from being hostile to gentle, from rebellious to submissive, and from being self-serving to serving others, it is bound to affect your relationships. Philemon illustrates two basic relational changes:

A. God changes you from alienation to reconciliation with others.

When Onesimus absconded with Philemon and Apphia’s money and some of their personal belongings, they were no doubt angry. They probably complained, “After the nice way that we treated him, he ripped us off! That ungrateful wretch!” And, Onesimus probably didn’t have the warm fuzzies when he thought about Philemon and Apphia. “They live in ease and luxury while we slaves work our fingers to the bone! It’s just not fair! Sure, I stole a few things, but they’ve still got more than plenty left!”

How can a relationship as strained as that ever be reconciled? Only by the power of God through the transformation of the gospel. One key evidence that a person is born again is when he wants to repair broken relationships and to make restitution for past wrongs. Jesus emphasized this in the Sermon on the Mount. After talking about the seriousness of the sin of anger, Jesus said (Matt. 5:23-24), “Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.”

You can’t worship God properly until you first do all that you can to be reconciled with the person who has something against you. While it takes time and effort, if you do not work at repairing strained relationships, it may indicate that you are not right with God (Matt. 18:21-35). Reconciled relationships are a big deal to God! They should be a big deal to us, also!

B. God changes you from relating to others on the basis of social status to relating as family.

Formerly, the relationship between Philemon and Onesimus was strictly master-slave. But now it had a new dimension: brother to beloved brother (v. 16). We don’t know whether Philemon freed Onesimus immediately or not, but even if he did not, they had a new basis for relating to one another. Perhaps in the church, Philemon even served communion to Onesimus. Perhaps Onesimus on occasion opened the Scriptures and taught the church the things that the beloved apostle Paul had taught him, as Philemon listened attentively. The gospel erases social class distinctions and puts us in relationship as members of the family of God. Included with social class distinctions, there is no place for any racial discrimination in the church of Jesus Christ!

Years ago, my Uncle John was an enlisted man in the National Guard. A colonel in his unit also belonged to the same church that my uncle belonged to. On some occasions when the colonel saw my uncle in the mess hall, he invited him to come over and join him for lunch. They would have a good time chatting together. After the meal, the colonel often said, “Here, let me get your tray.” He would carry my uncle’s dirty dishes to the window. The other men would gawk and say among themselves, “That guy must have something on the colonel!” He did: they were brothers in Christ!

I should add that when it came to performance on the job, my uncle respected the colonel’s rank and authority. He showed him proper respect and obeyed his orders. While at church or in social settings, your boss is your brother in Christ, on the job he is still your boss. You must show proper respect and serve him all the more because he is a brother (1 Tim. 6:2).

Thus God changes every person whom He saves through the gospel. He changes your character and He changes your relationships with others.

3. God changes your relationship with Him.

Martin Luther wrote, “We are all the Lord’s Onesimi” (cited by H. C. G. Moule, Colossian and Philemon Studies [Christian Literature Crusade], pp. 302, 315). What he meant is true—that this little book beautifully illustrates the salvation that every believer enjoys.

God created you to serve Him. He is your rightful owner and master. But, like Onesimus, you rebelled against Him. You said, “I will not have this Master to rule over me.” And so you took the body, the intelligence, and the talents that God had entrusted to you to use for Him and squandered them on yourself. Claiming to be free from God, you became the slave of sin. Like Onesimus, you were a condemned fugitive on the run, useless to your rightful Master, guilty, and indebted to Him. You had robbed God.

But even as God had His sovereign hand on Onesimus, so with you. In due time, while you were deliberately running in the opposite direction, He providentially led you across the path of someone who shared the gospel with you. At first, you were fearful of dealing with God, because you knew that you were guilty and condemned. You thought, “How could I possibly return to God and stand before Him in light of the things that I’ve done?”

Then the Savior said, “Don’t plead your own case. Don’t say a word on your own behalf. Don’t attempt to justify yourself. You are guilty as charged. Just give the Master this letter.” You looked down and read (v. 17), “… accept him as you would me.” “But, how can He do that? What about all the wrongs that I committed toward Him?” You kept reading (v. 18), “But if he has wronged you in any way or owes you anything, charge that to my account.”

Maybe you had heard it before without understanding, but suddenly He opened your blind eyes and it made sense. You never could hope to pay God for all of the sins that you have committed. But you don’t have to! Christ paid your debt on the cross. Everything that you stole and all the back wages that you owe were charged to His account. You put your trust in the Savior who paid the debt that you owed. You returned to the Master and willingly put yourself under His lordship. For the first time in your life, you were truly free! Now, you live to please Him and do His will from the heart. And to your amazement, the blessed Lord Jesus, who paid the debt you owed, is pleased to call you his beloved brother or sister, just as Paul refers to the slave, Onesimus (v. 16)!


Perhaps you’re thinking, “That’s all well and good for someone who has a rough background, who has done a lot of terrible things. But I’m not like that. I’ve always been a basically good person. I’ve always gone to church. I’m not like this runaway slave.” If you’re thinking that, then consider this story.

Some years ago, a church in England was having a combined communion service with one of its mission churches. The pastor noticed that a former burglar was kneeling at the communion rail beside a judge of the Supreme Court of England, the very judge who, years before, had sentenced that burglar to seven years in prison. After his release the burglar had been converted to Christ and had become a Christian worker.

After the service, as the judge and the pastor walked home together, the judge asked, “Did you see who was kneeling beside me at the communion rail?” “Yes,” replied the pastor, “but I didn’t know that you noticed.” The two men walked on in silence for a few moments, and then the judge said, “What a miracle of grace!” The pastor nodded in agreement, “Yes, what a marvelous miracle of grace!”

Then the judge said, “But to whom do you refer?” The pastor replied, “Why to the conversion of that convict.” The judge said, “But I was not referring to him. I was thinking of myself.”

“What do you mean?” the pastor asked. The judge replied, “That burglar knew how much he needed Christ to save him from his sins. But look at me. I was taught from childhood to live as a gentleman, to keep my word, to say my prayers, to go to church. I went through Oxford, took my degrees, was called to the bar and eventually became a judge. Pastor, nothing but the grace of God could have caused me to admit that I was a sinner on a level with that burglar. It took much more grace to forgive me for all my pride and self-righteousness, to get me to admit that I was no better in the eyes of God than that convict whom I had sent to prison.”

Has God opened your eyes to see that you are just as needy of the Savior as that convicted burglar or as Onesimus, the runaway thief and slave? Have you trusted in Christ’s shed blood to pay the debt that you rightfully owe?

If you have trusted in Christ, are you allowing His grace to change you? Is your character becoming less angry and more patient, kind, gentle, and loving? Is your attitude toward authority becoming more submissive, even when you’re mistreated? Is your life changing from self-centered uselessness to becoming a useful servant to others as you serve Christ?

What about your relationships? Are you working at being reconciled to those from whom you are alienated, as much as it depends on you? Have you sought forgiveness and made restitution to those you have wronged? Would those who formerly knew you as a sheep thief now think that the ST on your forehead must be an abbreviation for saint?

Application Questions

  1. A person who professes to know Christ, but who has an angry temper, asks, “How can I change?” Your answer?
  2. How can you know whether or not God wants to change something in you? Is there a difference between immaturity and sin?
  3. Why is change so difficult? Why doesn’t God usually change us instantaneously rather than gradually?
  4. Think about this question as it relates to you (not to anyone else!): “What shortcoming or sin does God most want to change in me?” And, “what do I need to do to work on it?”

Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2007, All Rights Reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation

Lesson 2: Godly Relationships (Philemon 1-25)

Once upon a time, a mean old mountaineer fell sick and died. There were no funeral directors back in the hills then, and embalming was not yet practiced. So the widow and family dressed the body and placed it in the coffin. As the deceased was being carried from the house, one pallbearer stumbled, causing the coffin to crash into a gatepost. The knock somehow revived the old mountaineer, who sat up yelling at everyone in sight.

The man lived for over a year and was as mean as ever. Then he got sick and died again. Once more the body was put in the coffin and the pallbearers lifted their burden. As they shuffled by, the long-suffering widow lifted her head and said, “Watch out for that gatepost!” (Merritt K. Freeman, Reader’s Digest, July, 1983.)

Most of us have known difficult people like that. Maybe they’re in your family. I hope that none are in this church, but it’s possible. You may not be so bold as to wish that they would die, but you may secretly wish that if that fate befell them, they wouldn’t get resurrected!

The gospel of Jesus Christ brings together people of diverse backgrounds and personalities, increasing the possibility for strained relationships. We can see this in this short letter of Philemon. We have Paul, a scholarly, zealous Jew and former Phar­isee; Philemon, a wealthy Gentile businessman; and, Onesimus, a runaway slave. Any time you bring together people from such varied backgrounds, you have the potential either for great conflict or great glory. It brings great glory to God when people who would normally be at one another’s throats instead love one another because of the reality of Jesus Christ.

The potential for great conflict is increased when the divergent persons brought together by the gospel live in a culture permeated by inhuman and unjust social institutions. The Roman world accepted slavery as a matter of course. Slaves had no protection under Roman law. J. B. Lightfoot (Saint Paul’s Epistles to the Colossians and to Philemon [Zondervan], pp. 321-322) writes that two or three years before Paul wrote to Philemon, a slave had killed his master, a Roman senator. The law demanded that when this happened, all of the slaves in the household would be executed along with the one who did it. The senator had 400 slaves! The populace tried to intervene to save them from this unjust treatment. The Roman Senate held a special hearing and decided that the law needed to be carried out. All 400 were executed!

This was the social background and cultural mindset behind Paul’s letter to Philemon. If Paul could persuade Philemon to forgive this slave who had wronged him and, even more, to accept him as a brother in Christ, the word would spread like wildfire. When people asked, “Why did Philemon forgive this slave?” they would hear, “Because he follows Jesus, who taught His followers to love one another.” The potential for the gospel and the glory of God was great!

It’s no different today. The world is watching the lives of Christians to see whether they really are different because of the gospel. Does following Christ make a difference in our homes? Do we work through our problems with kindness, gentleness, patience, and understanding?

What about in our churches? This is why racial diversity in the local church is important. It’s easy to say, “In Christ there is no white or black, no Navajo or Hispanic,” when we segregate our churches according to race. But we ought to demonstrate the truth of that by meeting together across racial and cultural barriers. Racism in the local church erases the message that we are called to proclaim. Jesus said (John 13:35), “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” Thus the furtherance of the gospel depends upon godly relationships among Christians. The book of Philemon teaches us that…

Godly relationships glorify God and demonstrate the reality of the gospel in our lives.

We are flooded with supposedly Christian books telling you how to use God and the Bible to reach your full potential, to boost your self-esteem, to achieve your best life now, etc. They convey the worldly message that it’s all about you.

But the Bible is radically God-centered. It’s all about God and His glory. The main reason that you should work through your marriage problems and relate to your children in a loving manner is not so that you’ll have a happy family, although it will result in that. The main reason you should work through your family problems in a godly manner is so that God will be glorified and others will be drawn to the Savior.

Worldly people should look at your marriage and home life and marvel at how you love one another. That’s when you tell them the difference that Jesus Christ has made in your life. He gets the glory and, of course, you enjoy the harmony of a happy home. But it’s all about His glory and the testimony of the gospel first. That’s why when Paul gives instruction to wives and husbands (Eph. 5:22-33), he says (5:32), “This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.” Your marriage is to reflect the loving relationship between Christ and His church.

The same is true with regard to unity in the local church. When believers cannot get along and split over minor doctrinal differences or personality conflicts, it is not a great advertisement for the gospel. The world looks at the church, shrugs its shoulders, and says, “They’re no different than we are.” But when we demonstrate the love of Christ, especially across cultural, social, and racial barriers, the world takes notice.

That’s why Paul not only addressed this letter to Philemon, but also Apphia (probably Philemon’s wife), Archippus (perhaps the pastor of the church; Col. 4:17), and the entire church that gathered in their home. Paul included all of them because the matter of forgiving Onesimus and accepting him as a brother in Christ was a matter of corporate testimony. It was an opportunity for God to be glorified and for the gospel to spread in that city. Godly relationships in our homes and in the church glorify God and demonstrate the reality of the gospel in our lives.

With that as a foundation, I’d like to spell out ten principles for godly relationships as seen in how Paul relates to Philemon. This is not a comprehensive list, of course. But they are lessons worth learning and practicing for God’s glory and the furtherance of the gospel.

Principles for godly relationships:

1. Be rightly related to God by grace through faith in Christ.

These are not just common sense principles that might appear in a Reader’s Digest article. Rather, they must be built on the foundation of heart-transformation that comes through faith in Christ. In verse 5, Paul refers to Philemon’s “love and the faith which you have toward the Lord Jesus and toward all the saints.” Probably, Paul begins by thinking of Philemon’s love. Then he goes to the source of that love, which is his faith in the Lord Jesus. He completes the thought by going back to the object of his love, namely, all the saints (Lightfoot, pp. 334-335).

The key to loving relationships is that God has transformed your heart by His grace and love in sending His Son to die for your sins. As Jesus told the disciples just before He went to the cross, they were to love one another just as He had loved them (John 13:34). When you live daily in light of the truth that the Son of God loved you and gave Himself for you, you have the proper foundation to love others, even those who are not easy to love.

2. Affirm the value and contribution of each person.

Throughout this short letter, Paul affirms both Philemon and Onesimus. There is a way of using affirmation manipulatively, but when you do this, the other person usually senses your wrong motives. But Paul had a way of genuinely affirming people and acknowledging the valuable contribution that each one was making for the cause of Christ. Paul begins (v. 1) by addressing Philemon as a “beloved brother and fellow worker.” He thanks God for Philemon because of his faith and love (vv. 4-5). He expresses his joy and comfort that stem from Philemon’s love and mentions how the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through him (v. 7). He goes on to ask Philemon to show the same love toward this new brother, Onesimus. But you don’t get the feeling that Paul is flattering Philemon to manipulate him to do what Paul wants. Rather, he was truly appreciative of Philemon’s life and ministry in Christ.

How long has it been since you’ve told your mate or your children how much you appreciate them in a specific way? Maybe someone at church has ministered to you or encouraged you. Let the person know, either verbally or by a written note, how much you appreciate what he or she did.

3. Pray for the person and tell him so.

Paul tells Philemon that he thanks God for him and prays for him (v. 4). Again, be careful to be genuine about this! Don’t say, “I’ll pray for you” to sound spiritual, and then fail to pray. If I tell someone that I will pray for him, I usually stop and do it as soon as I can, so that I don’t forget. When we pray for one another, God uses it to form a bond of love. This even applies when you’re angry with someone or when a relationship is strained. Have you noticed that it’s hard to pray sincerely for someone and stay angry with him at the same time! I am not referring to praying imprecatory psalms against him, but genuinely praying for God’s blessing in his life! And, it is hard to be angry with somebody who tells you that he has been praying for you!

Paul’s prayer (v. 6) is difficult Greek to translate, as reflected in the variations among the English versions. We can’t be dogmatic, but I think Paul is praying that Philemon’s generosity (“fellowship”) that stems from his faith will grow in effectiveness as he learns all of the good things that God has given to him for Christ’s sake. In other words, as Philemon realizes what God has generously given to him, it will cause him to overflow with generosity and grace towards others.

4. Whenever possible, appeal rather than command.

Paul had authority as an apostle to command Philemon to accept Onesimus, but he rather appeals to him (vv. 8-10), so that (v. 14), “your goodness would not be, in effect, by compulsion but of your own free will.” He wanted Philemon’s forgiveness and acceptance of Onesimus to come from his heart, not grudgingly.

Paul’s appeal was not just to Philemon’s mind, but also to his heart or emotions. Paul could have just said, “Philemon, you need to do this. Here are my reasons. End of the discussion!” But instead, he says (v. 9), “yet for love’s sake I rather appeal to you—since I am such a person as Paul, the aged, and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus.” Paul was probably only 55-60, but he had suffered a lot, so his body was wearing out. Six times in this short letter, Paul refers to his imprisonment (vv. 1, 9, 10, 13, 22, 23). As Bishop Lightfoot puts it (p. 333), “How could Philemon resist an appeal which was penned within prison walls and by a manacled hand?” Paul refers to Onesimus as his child (v. 10), and tells Philemon that in sending him, it’s like sending his own heart (v. 12).

Paul’s dealings with Philemon apply especially to any relationship where you are in authority. Although there are times with your children when you must say, “Obey because I said so,” that should not be your primary means of relating to them. I’ve heard parents snap at their children and order them around like the family dog. Then they wonder why their kids aren’t overwhelmed with warm feelings toward them as parents, especially “after all I’ve done for you!” It’s better to appeal on the basis of love and save the commands for situations that have really serious consequences.

5. Don’t presume upon a relationship for your advantage.

Paul really wanted Onesimus to stay with him, because he was in a difficult situation and Onesimus was providing valuable service to Paul. He could have rationalized, “Philemon would probably let Onesimus stay if he were aware of my situation. I’ll just keep him here.” But he didn’t want to presume on Philemon’s generosity.

It’s easy for pastors to fall into this trap. I once read of a pastor who got together for lunch with a man in his church. The time came when the man needed to get back to work, so he asked the pastor, “What did you want?” The pastor said, “I just wanted to see how you’re doing.” The man was surprised and replied, “That’s the first time any church leader has ever made an appointment with me when he didn’t want me to do something for him!”

There is a legitimate sense of meeting with someone to challenge him to a needed ministry or job in the church. The person may not be aware of the need and of how his particular gifts could fit the ministry unless you tell him. But you cross a line if you try to use people to accomplish your objectives. The proper focus is to encourage people to use their gifts for God’s purpose and glory.

6. Use tact.

Some people say, “I just say what I mean,” as if bluntness and insensitivity were virtues. They are not, to put it bluntly! While we need to be clear in communicating our desires, we should be careful to say it in a sensitive, tactful manner.

Note how Paul proceeds to build his case for Philemon to accept Onesimus. First, he begins, as we’ve seen, by stating his appreciation for Philemon’s love and faith. He moves from the general to the particular: “You’ve shown love to all the saints. Now, here is a new saint for you to love.”

Then, Paul paints this touching portrait of himself as the aged prisoner. He makes his appeal, but he doesn’t mention Onesimus by name until verse 10 (in Greek, Onesimus is the last word in the sentence). He goes on to describe the change in Onesimus (v. 11) and his own sense of loss in sending him back to Philemon (vv. 12-14). Finally, he softens the story by suggesting the overruling hand of God’s providence in the whole turn of events. He begins verse 15 with the word “perhaps.” He is saying, “Consider this perspective.” He does not say, “for this reason Onesimus ran away,” but rather, “was parted from you” (using a passive verb). He is not absolving Onesimus of blame, but neither is he magnifying his crime so as to stir up resentment in Philemon. Then, finally (v. 17), he gets around to his request, that Philemon accept Onesimus even as he would accept Paul. It’s a great lesson in diplomacy or tact!

7. Be willing to bear the cost of a relationship.

There is always a cost involved in maintaining good relationships. Somehow, we’ve gotten the unrealistic idea that if the chemistry is right, good relationships just happen spontaneously without any effort. But in all good relationships, there is a price tag.

Paul’s cost was twofold: First, he was willing to part with Onesimus in spite of his own needs. Second, he was willing to pay for any costs that Onesimus had incurred towards Philemon. Some have said, in light of Paul’s rather humorous reminder (v. 19) that Philemon owes him his very self and from the fact that Paul was poor and in prison, that he didn’t really expect to pay. But I think Paul was sincere in wanting Philemon to view Onesimus’ debt as Paul’s debt. As Onesimus’ father in the faith, he wanted to provide for his child.

Philemon also incurred some costs. He lost a slave and his labor for a while, along with whatever cash and property that Onesimus had stolen. He had to bear these costs in order to forgive Onesimus. Also, there was the cost of his reputation in town when he forgave Onesimus. Other slave owners would have criticized him for setting a dangerous precedent.

And, of course, Onesimus had to bear a cost to return to Philemon. He had to part from his dear mentor, Paul. He had to be willing to give up his freedom and perhaps work to make restitution. Godly relationships always come with a price tag!

That price tag is usually called “forgiveness.” Forgiveness means that you bear the hurt and the one who wronged you goes free. I was once counseling with a couple that had a long history of one hurting the other and then the other retaliating. Then they got saved, but they were still bitter. We were getting nowhere. Finally, I said, “Look, each of you keeps bringing up all of these hurts from the past. We could keep dredging up the past for years to come. Or, you could choose to forgive one another.” I asked the husband if he would forgive his wife for all of these wrongs. He thought about it a moment and said that he would. I asked her the same question. She stewed about it for a while and then blurted, “If I forgive him, he goes free!”

I said, “Yes, that is what Jesus did for you. He bore the penalty you deserved and you went free.” But, she wouldn’t do it. At that point, I couldn’t help them.

But when we bear the cost, whether monetary or the cost of forgiveness, we always get more in return than we gave. Philemon received back this now useful slave, not just as a slave, but also as a brother. Onesimus now was able to serve out of joy in the Lord. The church welcomed a valuable member.

8. Expect the best and follow through to make sure that it’s done.

Paul expected Philemon’s obedience and even more (v. 21). But at the same time, he knew that people often do what you inspect, not just what you expect. So he mentions that he will be coming for a visit soon (v. 22). I don’t think that this implied a lack of trust on Paul’s part, but it did add a measure of accountability. Paul hoped to be there soon, and he would be able to tell whether Philemon and the church had forgiven and accepted Onesimus.

This principle also applies to rearing your children. Expect them to do their best to please you. Do you show surprise when they do well or when they mess up? You should expect them to do well, but be surprised if they disobey. Don’t expect your teenagers to rebel. Expect them to follow the Lord. Then follow through with reasonable accountability.

9. Make the person feel included on the team.

Paul mentions all of these other believers that greet Philemon (v. 23). On the one hand, he is just being friendly, but on the other hand, he’s letting Philemon know that he’s on a bigger team. If he drops the ball with Onesimus, it will affect the entire team.

In the local church, we will be more careful about restoring our relationships if we keep in mind that we’re all on the same team. We cannot serve Christ by ourselves. We can’t afford to say to anyone, “I don’t need you on the team.” Besides, it’s not my team. If the Lord has picked someone for His team, then I need to include the person and work through relational problems.

10. Never forget God’s grace toward you.

Paul begins and ends (vv. 3, 25) by mentioning God’s grace, and it was more than a polite formality. As I recently pointed out, God’s grace was at the center of Paul’s life. It summed up everything about how he related to God and to others. If we have been shown grace, then we need to show grace to others. If we want to be shown more grace, then we’ve got to give more grace to others. Philemon may have thought, “Onesimus doesn’t deserve forgiveness!” Precisely! Grace is always undeserved. Don’t ever forget it!


You’ve probably heard the little ditty, “To dwell above with the saints we love, O that will be glory! But to dwell below with the saints we know, well, that’s a different story!” That’s why we need to learn how to relate in a godly way that glorifies God and shows the reality of the gospel in our lives. This short letter to Philemon leaves us with the question, “How are your relationships?”

Application Questions

  1. Think of one person to whom you need to express your appreciation this week. Do it!
  2. Is there a difference between liking someone and loving him (or her)? If so, what is it? Must we like everyone in the church?
  3. Why is it important to see God’s glory as the primary reason to work at restoring broken relationships? What implications does this have?
  4. How would you counsel someone who was finding it difficult to forgive someone else? What biblical principles apply?

Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2007, All Rights Reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation
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